discipline adivce

zekeJanuary 31, 2005

i have been wondering about this particular subject

for some time , why is it that kids will mind one parent more than the other one ??

this has been troubling me for some time as our boys 2 and 4 seem to ignore my wife/mom to the point that she will end up literally yelling at them to get them get their attention .

occasionally she will throw up her hands and want me to take over, i have never had any problem getting the boys to mind me as i have alawys been firm but fair .


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You need to step in before your wife asks you to.

When you see that the boys are ignoring their mom, you should go to them and say "Your mom is talking to you. Don't ignore her."
Then they see you as a united front, with you backing her up.


    Bookmark   February 1, 2005 at 11:15AM
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Maybe she does far more yelling than following through. Children often mind the father better than their mother, because the father is not there as often and their not sure what Dad will do.

Our grandchildren always obeyed us better than their folks because I followed through with what I told them and they knew it.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2005 at 6:31PM
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i do "step in" when we are all are home together as
both i and my wife have day jobs and our work schedule is such that i am not alawys home when DW and the boys are
and sometimes there quite a uproar , so i am told .

    Bookmark   February 2, 2005 at 7:27PM
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She doesn't demand they obey....she yells and then doesn't follow through. She lets them get away with a certain amount and then clamps down. She needs to see that they obey her first time she asks....and pick the offender up and close him in his room....no second chances!
I am remembering baby sitting for a grand son....about 4 at the time. he did some thing....I told him that was not allowed ( something like kicking his little brother!)...he did it again and I picked him up and roughly sat him on the "time out step". He was broken hearted...sobbing and crying...not the usual angry crying. After 2 or 3 minutes I asked him why he was crying, he knew he wasn't supposed to kick his brother....and the little boy on the time out step said..."but you only gave me one warning". His mother had been accosotmed to giving at least 3 warnings before getting tough....and maybe more if she was busy.
Demand they mind at the time you ask. I have been known to physicaly take a child's hand and clamp it around a toy and carry him to the toy box and drop it in, when he didn't mind when I asked him to pick up his toys.
Linda C

    Bookmark   February 3, 2005 at 12:56PM
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I think it's normal. Think about it from their point of view. They see Mom all the time. She's a known quantity. "Familiarity breeds contempt" kind of thing.

But Dad! He's big and has a deep voice. Also, he's not around all day so they have less time to learn which buttons to push with him. And lets face it, Dad lets them get away with more because he hasn't seen that cute trick 20 times already today and doesn't know it ends up making the cat scream, whereas Mom HAS seen it and it's not too cute anymore and she's already told him to cut it out, therefore more yelling from Mom. Mom yells cause she's more stressed! Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.

No right or wrong but just the way it is. It can be very aggravating for Mom, just like all the times they scream with joy, "Dad's home!!!" when Mom's been there all afternoon kissing their booboos, wiping their nose and dishing out cookies and hugs.

I used to do the counting thing. I figured it out by the third child when I was too tired and apathetic to yell. It worked really well. When I'd start, "ONE - TWO" they knew I meant business, so they would MOVE IT! I'd swat them on around four I think. I was amazed to find I never had to yell after that. Just quietly start to count...

    Bookmark   February 4, 2005 at 7:27PM
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mom's got no natural knack for discipline- if she's letting the kids goad her into yelling, then she's not in control of the situation-

jonsey and Linda are both right on with their observations-

though I have to wonder what kind of conditions your wife grew up under- people learn to scream at their kids from being screamed at, and it's possible that the whole idea of bringing the wrath of MOM down on their little heads hasn't occurred to her.

the number one cure for being ignored is generally to remove the distractions- if they're watching TV, it gets unplugged. if they're playing cards, they go away...

kids need to learn action and reaction early, or they struggle with it as adults.

(also have to ask if mom's not making unreasonable demands, or shouting 'jump' to make them play frog- I've seen kids totally desensitived by the age of 4 to a parents whose demands are inconsistent.)

    Bookmark   February 16, 2005 at 1:43PM
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"i have never had any problem getting the boys to mind me as i have alawys been firm but fair . "

Maybe your boys are picking up on your obvious opinion that your wife is not as firm or as fair as you are. Kids learn what they see.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2005 at 4:09PM
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those are all interesting answers .
thanks for the replies .

    Bookmark   March 3, 2005 at 8:27PM
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hi, I could say a lot here but don,t type fast.
All I really know is this yelling is a pych. condition and is handed down from person to person . true phycholigists might read all sorts of things into a persons yelling and with some it a sign of bigger things to come .
I speak from experience this was a way my step mom handled things and help create several people who now handle problems this way ,I will also say that small children are scared by this and don,t know much else but fear and then are actually scared of the only person they trust creating god knows what . but definately not as grounded as we would like.
A steamfitter huh. thats not one you hear much .
my d.f. R.I.P. was a boilmaker/pipefitter.
I sat on the couch a while back nursing a sore back and thought of something about this and my d.d.
If we are at work and the boss or the job calls for a certain task to be done whether it be a certain number of valves to seat ,welds to make or patients to look in on, or windshields to inspect(what I do) we know that if it does not get done we lose our jobs . or are disciplined.
And we are expected to do this fairly quickly and follow through every time not part time .
this might have been a little off base but it was simple and very true .
I have for yrs worked with a lg. variety of people and the ill mannered un kempt ones are always the laziest or least productive .
A direct reflection on how they were disciplined .I think the old school ways win .
I now no longer blame the person at work but am mad as he..... at their parents .Rick

    Bookmark   March 4, 2005 at 12:04AM
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This may be redundant to other posts, but it's follow through. Men tend to follow-through more than women. Women get worn down faster and let things slide and kids take full advantage of it.

Plus, women tend to yell more than men. They become "mommy deaf".

All great answers!

    Bookmark   March 4, 2005 at 9:46AM
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Not sure at all about your theory, Annellis. Mothers get worn out because they are, in general, with the kids for many more hours than are fathers - including moms who work outside the home.

And I have yet to see any evidence that women yell more than men. My own experience would indicate exactly the opposite.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2005 at 1:04AM
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In my experience and that is from watching other mothers when my children were young and when I worked in retail stores. They do yell more than the fathers and they don't carry through with their threats. While shopping one day I saw a mother on a cell phone, her kids begging for attention, she just told them to shut up. I know there are exceptions to the rule, I am one of them. It always hurt my feelings to be yelled at, so I didn't yell at my kids. Even at 2 years old they could be reasoned with.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2005 at 12:20PM
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I, too, don't agree that moms yell more than dads. In our house there's no truth to that. It's about equal.

As far as giving in, you can't judge that based on your experience in retail stores, because statistically, far more moms shop with kids than dads.

My DH won't go shopping with DD unless he has to. And when he does take her, he brings her home with treats and toys.

I'm the "bad guy" who says, No we cannot go to the toy store, we are here for XYZ. or - No you can't have a cookie because it's nearly dinner time.

My DH is rarely in the position to have to play "bad cop" and ground her or punish her. It is me. I'm not saying that in a bad way about him, it's just that I'm with her more.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2005 at 12:27PM
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this post certainly seems to be getting some interesting answers .
in regard to Moms yelling more it makes me think of a situiatin i saw once upon a time when i was in
Des Moines at a dept. store and this 3-4 yr. negro kid came running in through the door with Mom close behind saying

    Bookmark   March 8, 2005 at 10:20PM
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