Help.. Single, meeting child for first time, child is 11.

SingleGuy84January 13, 2014

Hi, i'm writing here because I don't know if I'm about to make a big mistake in my life..

In short, I'm 29 male, my son is 11. I left him when he was 1.
I built a life without him, and no one in my life knows I have a child. I talked to him on the phone for the first time, and he wants to know me, and I can't just bring him into my life.

short history: I had a very terrible relationship 11 years ago, that ended up with me banning everything associated with my ex from my life. I moved, changed my contact information.. basically wiped myself from the internet and any trail of my existence. It's been difficult but I've built a stable life for myself.. I currently live the single life, work full time, and in my 'new' life, no one knows of my past or the fact I have a son. I have nothing against my son, in my heart I wished him well in his endeavors.. after all, when I left, my ex was with a new man. They got married, bought a house, had more children. I figured my son would have a more stable life than I could provide anyways.

I escaped my ex and her family, but throughout the years she managed to get a hold of me, as to reclaim lost child support... which, is rightfully due. I finally admit to running and I started paying for child support anonymously. This is no problem to me, it is my responsibility to another life.

About 2 years later of showing my commitment to child support, my ex initiated a connection with my son, and so I agree'd. I don't think it is fair to keep me being his dad from him, so for that I agree'd.

But my intentions are not honest.. I do not have a want to be in his life.. it's not that I do not like him, but its the past I escaped from that still haunt me and although times have changed, and people have become civil.. it is not the life I tried to build for myself, and I am almost admitting defeat to my situation for the sake of my son's right to know his dad.

I know it sounds selfish, but he does want to visit, and I live with others who don't even know I have a son.. i feel i need to uproot my life and build a new home for the sake of my son to visit.. and I would do that, but i just don't know how to handle this...

The thing that puzzles me is that his mother doesn't seem to show a care whether or not i am in his life.. or whether I have good intentions or not. She seems complacent with whatever I choose to do, and whether I am talking to him or not. She reached out to me, and i went along with it.. but its difficult for both sides I guess. She hasn't asked me any questions about my life or anything.. I feel that she wants no part of our reunion, although she is his mother.. its odd.

After talking to him on the phone for the first time, I've realized I'm in no position to be a parent.. so what do I do? I'm open to critism

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On a side note, I wouldn't mind connecting with my son.. i just don't know how to transition my life

    Bookmark   January 13, 2014 at 9:05PM
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Its time to be honest with everybody, including yourself. Tell the people in your life that you have a son. Tell your son that you don't know how to be a dad. Tell your ex that you don't know how to be a dad. No secrets, no excuses, no shame. Just be honest with everybody and it just might be a little bit easier to give it a try.

This post was edited by JDez on Tue, Jan 14, 14 at 13:45

    Bookmark   January 14, 2014 at 10:47AM
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Yea, I agree with JDez, honesty is the best policy.

You are assuming that everyone in your life will fall over with shock when you little boy turns up - that may not happen. They may think it is wonderful and the child may benefit greatly from the influence of your side of the family.

I think when it comes to children you must act in the child's best interest.

I would make absolutely sure that he is your son - do you know this ?

You might find that you enjoy spending time with him - you are very lucky to have this contact - I think.

Good luck - I hope it all works out well for you and the child.

Take one day at a time, you might have problems but they can be overcome, if you have determination that the situation will work.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2014 at 9:53PM
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I had a similar situation from my first marriage . Saw my daughter once at two months and then again 35 years later lol The meeting was arranged by friends and she was at their home during a visit to my home town . Total surprise for me lol Interesting that during the meeting I had no idea who she was but immediately noticed how much she looked like her mother 35 years ago of course lol She was married and had children of her own my grandchildren which were almost teenagers .
had intentionally avoided the meeting as I was totally unprepared to explain what happened .
Interestingly that was not a problem we talked mostly about her kids and her mother her life but almost nil about the past. She said that she was very happy to have finally met me as my name had come up in conversations over the years lol Wasn't bad and am sort of glad that it happened though I certainly wouldn't have arranged it She returned to her life and me to mine naturally and since we live almost 2000 miles apart we do exchange info a bit. Has tapered off in the last few years
My grandchildren send me Christmas and Birthday cards
As to your problem there's really only two choices either do it now or much much later?? Good luck with whichever way you decide!!! gary

    Bookmark   January 26, 2014 at 4:56AM
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