my boyfriend's kids bad behaviour

samdreyerJanuary 27, 2014

I feel like I�m fighting a losing battle. I am a 37 year old woman and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 and half years. I have no kids and have never been married; however, I am an independent woman. When I met my boyfriend, his kids (both boys) were ages 3 and 5. My boyfriend and his parents are raising the 2 boys. The mother of the boys are non-existent. She basically visits once a year.

When I met my boyfriend, things with the kids were basically in shambles, they had no routine, no boundaries, and no form of discipline. Because I saw a future with this man, I devoted myself to helping him with the boys. The boys spent a lot of time at my home, I took care of them as if they were my own and I loved them as if they were my own. The boys progressed well and things were good. 6 months ago there has been a routine shift in my relationship with my boyfriend and since then the boys have now spent most of their time with their grandparents. And since that, we have constantly been fighting over the boy�s behaviour because their behaviour has gone so bad people come to me, to tell me how naughty the boys are.

Please note that the boys are now aged 5 and 8.

Most of the boy�s bad behaviour I believe stems from the grandparents. The grandparents have a huge influence over the kids - therefore they spoil the boys (because that is what grandparents normally do - spoil their grand kids) but when the kids are practically living with the grandparents it creates a huge problem in the kids behaviour. Their are no consistency with the boys and no rules/boundaries. The boys are so out of control, no one wants to babysit the boys. People are always coming to me including the day nanny, telling me how naughty the boys are. The boys simply have no manners, no sense of please, thank you or greeting at this point, no respect for other peoples things, they break furniture constantly, they lie and think its okay, cry and scream daily and more... The older one was caught stealing at school and then he lied about it. And to top it all, they are babied constantly by the grandparents and sometimes by their father. The kids act as if they are entitled and I blame the grandparents and my boyfriend for not taking control of the situation.

After all my hard work with the boys � this is what it has now turned into. When I speak to my boyfriend about my concerns, he says "there is nothing wrong with the kid�s behaviour". He believes and says that the boys are good. He does however admit that the grandparents spoil the boys but he says there is nothing he can do about that. The grandmother�s famous saying is this "Ag they just boys, boys act like that, let them be". I have 2 nephews and a neice around the same age who I take care of at times and they don�t behave like that.

I always only wanted what was best for the boys, so that they can grow into respectful, independent, resourceful young men � who can go out into the world and take care of themselves. But everything is given to them on a silver platter, they get to do whatever they want right or wrong. I have no support from my boyfriend and I am out of options. I have basically given up because I feel that it is a battle of 3 against 1. My relationship with my boyfriend is now so strained. I do love him dearly but the problem with the kids & grandparents has caused a huge rift.

What should I do please? Should I break-up with him or should I keep working at it? I am so despondent and embarrassed by all this � I just don�t know anymore.

Signed: Troubled

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colleenoz

Your BF has indicated he's not going to change anything. The grandparents have done likewise. The only person you can change is you. Your only real options are, put up with the situation in the knowledge it will probably not improve and may well deteriorate- further down the track your BF may decide the boys _are_ out of control and start to rein them in, which will not be easy- or move on.
I get so annoyed with the "Ah, they're just kids" attitude- as I said to a co-worker the other day, kids live up to your expectations and if you set the bar low that's what you'll get.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2014 at 7:53AM
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samdreyer

Thank you for your input. I do believe that nothing will change and the kids will always just get their way and be spoilt to their own detriment.

I can't live like this because myself and my brothers were not raised this way. I am not use to bad manners and no respect. It infuriates me almost daily and makes me not like the boys.

Some people might think that kids don't know what they doing, but trust me they know exactly how to behave to get what they want and its always bad. Sometimes I think they just not normal kids because I have never seen this before. But i do understand that the father and grandparents are to blame because the kids learn from them.

When I know the kids are coming to visit, the anxiety builds up every single time without fail and that isn't normal.

I can't accept this for the rest of my life and I guess at the end of the day it is okay if I get out. I just had to come to terms with the entire situation and that it really isn't normal behaviour because my boyfriend made it seem like I'm overreacting and that I take things too serious.

Thank you

    Bookmark   January 28, 2014 at 8:24AM
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colleenoz

Whether it's normal or not, the fact is that you're not happy living with it. (Breaking furniture and stealing at school doesn't sound very normal to me though. Maybe it is. Maybe that's why society in general is going to hell in a handbasket- because parents accept things like that as "normal". Sermon over ;-) )
So it's you who has to decide, Is this a life I'm happy living, or is it not?

    Bookmark   January 28, 2014 at 9:39AM
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samdreyer

I have decided and I am actually having a chat with the BF tonight. Its just going to turn into another one of those back and forth debates but I'm ready to take the next step for my own well-being.

I know this is never something I am ever going to get use too. It will always be upsetting for me. Thank you Colleen, I really do appreciate your time sharing your thoughts with me.

It's good to know that there are still some of us out there recognizing these issues.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2014 at 10:00AM
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