Dysfunctional sister ~very long post,sorry

coolmamaJanuary 17, 2007

This is a new post about my sister.She has to be the most self absorbed person I have ever known.

Two years ago,she decided to seperate from her husband.I tried hard to be there for her,because I knew it was going to be a difficult situation.

I started off watching her 6 year old son one or two nights a week at her place so she could go to work at night (as an ALL NUDE STRIPPER,dont get me started)

Then it escalated into me having her son every other weekend,ALL weekend long.

By summer,I was having him from Saturday until Friday,and his dad would have him Friday to Sunday.

My sister was spending no time at all with her son,and I was getting worn down having him all the time.It was summer vacation,my husband and daughter and I would have liked to do some things just us.My husband and I literally didnt have one weekend just me and him all summer.So,of course we started getting pissy with each other.

Finally,my sister calls me and wants to know if I can take her son earlier on this one day because she said she was going into work early.

I KNEW her work did NOT open that early (it's a strip club,they dont open til 5pm) So I called to see what their hours were and I was correct.

I asked why she felt the need to lie to me,and she said that I'm just the baby-sitter and I need to keep my mouth shut about what she is doing.That it is none of my business what she is doing.

This of course sets off a huge fight between us. We went a few months without talking,and then my sister started taking advantage of our mom the same way she did with me in regards to the baby-sitting.

Meanwhile,my sister and soon to be ex husband sell their house and she gets 30,000 dollars (he gets the same,they split the money)

She spends it all in a matter of months on breast implants and getting her "vagina sewed"

Then she complains she has no money and is getting evicted from her place...and once again,is trying to pawn her son off on me.

Might I add at this point she no longer even cares about me as a friend.never asks how I'm doing.Never wants to hang out with me.Only wants to know when she can dump her kid on me.

As of January she moves in with this guy she has been dating 6 months because she had nowhere else to go.

My daughter's birthday was last week and she didnt even call to wish her a happy birthday,just wanted to know if I could watch her son.

I said no,that I'm really done with doing her all these favors.That I have a life of my own.So now she is mad at me and not talking to me.

I also need to add that she is totally disrespectful of my things.Borrows dvds,books,games,clothes and NEVER returns them or if she does they are broken.

My husband has completely had it with her. I have too,but she ALWAYS makes me feel like I'm a bad person if I'm not helping her.

Our mom is also tired of her lies and being used.We both feel for her son who has told us many times he wants to live with his dad and not her.

I feel I just cant take anymore when it comes to her.When she isnt in my life,it is so much more peaceful.

Is it wrong to estrange myself from her? I feel like I dont even know her anymore.I used to think she would "grow out of" her behavior,but she has been like this since she was 13...always lying and manipulating others to her advantage.

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You're making this up, aren't you!
If you get your jollies out of making up stories and getting people of various forums to tell you how to get a handle on your life and to just ignore your sister, why I won't be part of that.
On the out side chance that you are talking about a real person and are serious about getting your life in order and raising a child to be a responsible productive member of society, I would tuck my daughtere under my arm and get out of Dodge....leave all the Ex's behind and the sisters and sisters in law with their "Sewed Vaginas" and the drugs and the booze and find a new life and never look back.
Linda C

    Bookmark   January 17, 2007 at 6:57PM
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I swear I couldnt make this up if I wanted too....I wish it were true.
I tried to tell you guys how crazy and dysfuntional both hubby's and my families are. That is why we bonded so close together because neither of us really had anyone else.

I would never get my jollies out of making this stuff up.I'am STRESSED to the MAX all the time because of how things are and have been.I'd give anything to have a normal life with normal people in it.
And believe me,my husband and I are very close to considering just up and leaving town we are so fed up.The only thing stopping us of course is money.We are saving now and hope in a year or so we can move out of state!!!

    Bookmark   January 17, 2007 at 7:36PM
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    Bookmark   January 17, 2007 at 7:44PM
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You know,if you seem to think everything I say is bull,then why do you waste your time writing to me?

Dont you have a perfect life with perfect people somewhere who miss their holier then thou hagster?
I really take offense to you implying I'd make this up.Some people dont live perfect lives and things like this happen.

Unless you lived in the stone age,really what is so hard to believe about what I posted? Look at celebrities lives and tell me this sort of out of control behavior doesnt happen everywhere.
And I got news for you,I'm not the one who needs my life straightend out! I live my life,take care of my husband and daughter,and just about everyone else's darned kids. I dont drink,or do drugs and I'AM a valuble citazen of society.
Hmm,maybe that's why everyone else is trying to take advantage of me here.
Unless you have anything important to add,that is actually useful and not snide,then you need not address me again.

    Bookmark   January 17, 2007 at 10:50PM
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I don't think it's wrong to want to estrange yourself from your sister, but I would be a little concerned about your nephew and how he may grow up. You and your mother may be the only solid things in his life. Have you considered talking to your sister about 'you' taking custody of him, or even talked to her about giving custody to his father? It doesn't seem like her livestyle and raisng a child go together.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2007 at 12:04AM
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Thank you carla35...my mom and I have gotten in huge fights with her about her son.If she isnt dropping him with us,she will find ANYONE who will take him,and somehow she rationalizes this as being fine.There really is just no talking to her about it.She is in denial about what she is doing to her son.
One day,I had her son,and she was supposed to be picking him up by noon.By 6pm,I had called her several times and she still wasnt here. So I called her ex and asked if he had heard from her.Then we were all freaking out,cuz you always hear about strippers getting killed.
Turns out she had stayed out all night drinking and fell asleep at a friend's house.
We were all really mad that she could be so thoughtless about anyone's feelings but her own.

Now I think her ex is probably going to get custody.They are about to start the court battles soon.He has told me he will fight for their son,and I hope he gets him.He at least wants to see his son,and spends more time with him then she does.

She is getting to the point where I think she may just let him have their son.Right now her big priority is her new boyfriend.
I guess I was just wondering if anyone else ever had a sibling like this.That uses you all the time and who doesnt really care about you.
I cant even be sad about it.I feel like I lost her a long time ago.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2007 at 2:52AM
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Sorry about your troubles.

Why cant the father of the little boy look after him ?

Your sister is acting irresponsibly. She is like the teenagers we talk about on the parent's forum, how they need to be taught to suffer consequences. Your sister needs to suffer consequences.

Seems like the custody battle will sort your situation out.

Good on you for looking after the boy, but don't become a doormat, set boundaries.

I was watching a show last night about a family that moved to France and built a strawbale house. Perhaps you could consider that, get away from them all.....only joking LOL.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2007 at 7:02PM
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Your sister is not thinking clearly. Hang on to the good memories that you have of her. Estrangement is your choice. You could also choose to have a more emotionally distant relationship with her. Set limits in a loving but firm way. Stick to your limits with her. Think of yourself first. You must maintain some sense of sanity and your mental health is most important here. Your daughter and husband need you. One thing I would suggest that you do is start to practice thankfulness everyday. I know that you have a lot to be greatful for. If you do that faithfully, you will begin to recruit positive emotions...like joy and contentment. Also, you can also keep a journal by your bed at night and write down three things that you are thankful for each night. Then, think about what is it about you that makes these things positive. Simple things like: I'm thankful for that beautiful sunset, and I made it positive because I paid attention to it, I noticed it. The reason it's a good idea to write these things down, or even to speak them is because when you translate your thoughts into oral or written language, you give them more power. Soon, you will notice some positive changes. I've read your posts and it seems you have a lot to be thankful for....start counting and good luck. And for me..well, I'm outta here. I've got a busy life and I have been glued to this forum for the past few weeks. lol. (Sort of like watching the soaps)

    Bookmark   January 18, 2007 at 10:15PM
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O.K. I may get into trouble here...you may not like how I say this. I don't mean any slight to you because you have been seeing to the child and I think that should be recognized and appreciated. But...

My first concern is your nephew. It IS terrible that your sister is using you (NOT fair) to baby sit her child while she seems to have no interest in his welfare. I totally get that you and your husband are overextended with this responsibility that you have taken on out of the goodness of your heart (I reckon). But did you do that because of the child? Or because of your sister? Or what? Sometimes it helps to figure out your motives.

I don't really detect any extraordinary concern about your nephew from your post. You are annoyed at your sister - yep...you have a lot of reasons to be. But then you are insulted that she doesn't treat you well, personally. And she isn't especially nice to your husband or your mother. I understand that that is all very aggravating and it does matter. But what about that little boy? He is the least to blame. He never asked for this. You are being taken advantage of. He may be being damaged.

There was a post suggesting that you seek custody of the child since you have (bless you) taken on most of his care. I think that has merit - IF you really care about him and could devote the energy, resources, and time it would take to help him grow up. If you can't, I don't see it as a foul on you - you didn't choose to have this child; you've just been doing emergency duty - but you should try to find a solution that would provide him with a full time care situation that would provide all he needs.

You definitely have a very hard problem here. I would just urge you to keep the child's welfare at the center.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2007 at 11:46PM
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I appreciate all who posted...alot of wonderful thoughts and ideas.
Dirtdivarocks,I do have alot to be thankful for.I try to thank God for it everyday.I know life is short and you shouldnt take anything for granted.It's funny you mentioned writing down my happy thoughts and moments in a book of some kind.I used to do that all the time! I was thinking about doing it again,and now I really think it is a good idea.

Popi,always enjoy your insight.I have thought about moving to another country,LOL! I also am sure that my nephew's dad will get custody of him.

Lindakimy~Why would you be in trouble? Your thoughts were valid. I can handle constructive criticism,what I cant handle is flat out negativity and rudeness (none of which you displayed!)
I would be more worried about my nephew,but I know his dad is stepping up to the plate because he has had enough of my sister's behavior too. He has bought a house and gotten a lawyer and is ready to fight for him.He takes him 2 nights a week and every other weekend. (It's the weekend he isnt having his son that she always trys to get me watch him now,and I'm not cuz she can spend some time with her son!)

If my situation was better,I would have offered to take her son.But honestly,it is just not something I could do.
I live in a SMALL two bedroom apartment.I have my own daughter and 3 step daughters to worry about.Sure,they dont live with us,but they do visit.I have my own soon to be career to think about.
I have been a stay at home mom mostly because my daughter gets sick alot. So,money has been tight with only my husband working.Now my daughter is older,and I'am less worried about daycare and can finally start concentrating on a career.

I have always strived to "do the right thing"...but right now I feel I have to worry about taking care of my family's needs first.I'm not getting any younger.

Thanks again,so much, for all the imput.I actually started therapy again recently.My therapist says she thinks it is a healthy choice to "distance myself" from my sister.
Guess sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2007 at 1:08AM
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Coolmam, I think your problem is solved, and the little boy will do well with his dad, if the custody hearing thinks so.

All the suggestions above, are brilliant, arent they ? So nothing more I can add.

I think we could all do well to follow Dirtdivarocks advice, it works, believe me ! I do this as well, in every situation, I remember to be MINDFULL, and it does lead to much happiness and contentment.

I am sorry your sis is dysfunctional, but she may need help, she maybe really sad and worried about her life, try to keep that in mind.

Take care
Popi the mindfull girl.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2007 at 1:38AM
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Thanks mindful girl popi :)

My sis does need help...but she has always been in denial.So,you can lead a horse to water right? Actually,she is VERY happy right now because of her new boyfriend.She never wants her kid around and always just wants to be alone with him.
But as I posted to (chris, I think?) she needs to include her son into the equation.The boyfriend will have to accept her as is,with her child,or he shouldnt be with her.It's like she's trying to pretend she's single and doesnt have a child or something.

Anyways,great advice as always.Keep up the good work guys.I think I too am taking a break like dirtdivarocks is from the forum. It is like watching soaps though,and rather addicting!

    Bookmark   January 19, 2007 at 3:12AM
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