23 year old, going thru a divorce wants to date my 16 yr old

Seamer1January 1, 2007

What do you all think about a 23 year old, going through a divorce, wanting to datew my 16 year old daughter?

She had the nerve to bring him home New Years Eve, and Her Dad stood at the counter with his arms crossed and said, She's 16 years old and you are still married. The guy turns around and leaves. Our daughter throws a fit and we are all torn up over this. what are your thoughts on this?

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My thought is that you did exactly the right thing.

I'm sure she's flattered - most any 16 year old would be. But that doesn't mean that her ability to make good judgement calls is fully mature.

I wouldn't get all torn up over this. You're protecting your daughter. At that age, the difference between 16 and 23 is huge.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 5:34PM
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Wow, fireworks at your house on NYE !

I can just imagine it, I have a teenager daughter who has a real defiant streak.

It really hard, this situation, and I wish you abundant strength and wisdom in dealing with it.

Questions come to my mind.

Is your daughter a mature 16 year old, or a young one?

How do you feel about this situation, yourself ?

What stage is his divorce ?

What would a 23 yo have in common with a school girl (assume she is still at school) ?

What is the boy like, what sort of person is he ?

If they went out, where would they go ?

I really think that if you say "No you cannot do this", it just makes it all worse, because your daughter will immediately think "Oh yes I can and you can't stop me".

With my daughter I have resigned myself to work on placating her. Often her requests and complaints are just so unreasonable, and I do not like having futile arguments, so I just gloss over things, say things like "yes I can see that's tricky for you" or "I can see thats annoying for you ....". When really I have not intention of changing my behaviour !

Its all a process of negotiation. If you allienate her by saying "NO Way", then you have put up a brick wall and in her mind there is no more negotiation.

I would consider all the pros and cons, and make your rules very clear, like when she must be home, sex issues, and make it very clear to her his responsibility in conducting himself so she feels safe.

Hope thats a bit of help for you. Is a rocky road.
I think your daughter show consideration for you, because she brought the boy home to meet you. Thats good, you should encourage that.


    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 7:24PM
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I think you did the right thing. She threw a hissy fit, thought she'd get her way...she put you in a FOG (soo other post of FOG and guilt), and now you're doubting your self. DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF. You know why he's dating a 16 year old...makes himself feel better about himself. A 16 year old will ADORE a 23 year old. He SHOULD me too mature for her. If he's not, he NEEDS TO MATURE!!! You have rules in your house, stick to your guns. You may not be popular now, but being a parent is not about winning a popularity contest, it is about doing what is best for your child, and you know what that is.


    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 7:32PM
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I think, as parents, we should not be quick to judge our children and their motives.

Take time to consider the situation, be creative with the outcome, authoritarianism is not the only way to deal with the situation.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 1:46AM
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My thoughts are,"Oh HELL NO!" If that guy had walked into my house...I'd have said,
"I got a gun and a shovel,I'm sure no one will miss you"

Your daughter can hate you all she wants,this guy is first of all too old and you can have him arrested for even seeing your daughter.Secondly not even divorced yet?! Whose this guy think he is?
Seriously,I think dad needs to have a little chat with this guy and tell him to stay the hell away.Oh the baggage and drama this guy could put your daughter through!!!
Tell this guy to pick on someone his own size,the pervert.
I have a daughter too and I dread the day something like this happens.But I will be the kind to "polish the shotgun"so to speak.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 3:16AM
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I agree with coolmama, oh hell no! Not even divorced yet? This guy is trouble!!!! And although I can see where popi is coming from, I think you did the right thing. The gap between 16 and 23 is immense, huge, gigantic. Your husband should have a chat with him, and make things clear. Otherwise, call the police.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 10:34AM
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I can see where popi is coming from, too. But, that throws up the DANGER flag in my head. Good luck to you. Christy

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 12:37PM
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16 year old girls should not be dating 23 year old married men... period. I don't care what HER motives are - but HIS scare the crap out of me!
You did the right thing.

If you see him again, you might want to remind him that she is underage.... Maybe that will keep HIM away from HER.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 1:21PM
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Hello, he is breaking the law, she is underage. MAJOR RED FLAGS! Older guys like the younger girls only because they put up with crap that older more experienced women would no way put up with. Like abuse, and alcoholism, and cheating... A 16 year old is not emotionally matured yet to deal with a heavy duty relationship. esp. with a still married guy. Old wise adage: If he cheats on his wife, he will cheat on you...
That said, her Dad should not physically hurt him or threaten to hurt him or Dad may end up in jail. Be careful.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 5:15PM
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LOL,I know KLIMKM,I wasnt really meaning he should.Just that cliche of the parents on the porch with the shotgun will be me was all I'm saying.And not in a literal sense,but I will be a FBI agent when my daughter starts dating.
However,nothing wrong with dad telling him he is crossing a line and that further actions will be taken if he doesnt back off.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 7:34PM
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Not EVERY 23 year old who dates a young girl is a sicko, warped, abusing pervert.
And not EVERY 16 year old girl who dates a 23 year old guy is too immature.
But many are. And the relationships tend to be unbalanced.

When I was 16, I dated a wonderful young man who was 22. Because of the circumstances where we met, he did not realize how young I was, and I didn't realize how old he was until we'd gone on a few dates. And by that time, it was clear that we had a lot in common and liked each other very much. He did not pressure me for sex during the entire 2 years we dated.

But that said -- there was an imbalance of power in the relationship. It was kind of like a freshman in high school dating a popular senior. He will naturally be the leader, and she will naturally be the follower. That may be an analogy your daughter would understand, and I'd explain your objections that way. If she's a sensible girl and you don't forbid the relationship, sparking defiance, she may very well come to her own conclusions rather quickly that this guy isn't right for her at this point in her life.

And for what it's worth, a 23 year old guy who's going through a divorce will probably have many more opportunities for legal sex than your average 16-year old high school student. So he may be less likely to pressure your daughter than the boys she usually dates.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 7:53PM
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I agree with most of what is said here except Sweeby, previous poster.

This relationship is trouble, and I can certainly understand why you are upset. She needs to be having fun with friends her age, going to football games, the prom, participating in school activities, doing a good job on her school work, planning for college, etc. He more than likely will have no interest in these things as he's experienced it most of it already. So if she's with him, she'll miss these wonderful years.

However, I do see great resentment if you come down on her too heavily. She could rebel and sneak out to be with him, and you don't want that either.

I believe her Dad did the right thing. Hopefully it scared the guy off.

He's obviously an immature and not smart guy. He would be putting himself at considerable risk, basically dating a child.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2007 at 8:36PM
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What is the age of consent in the US ?

In Australia its 16. Maybe that's why I am not so shocked about the idea of 16 year old going out with 24 year old.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2007 at 2:28AM
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As a guy,I wouldnt do this.Ever heard the term jailbait?

    Bookmark   January 3, 2007 at 3:32AM
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Popi, each state has their own specific laws, but in most states, the age of legal consent is 18. It is uncommon, but not unheard of, for charges to be filed if both parties are under 18 and gave mutual consent. But a 23 y/o man who has sexual contact with a 16 y/o (even consentual) would likely be arrested here, charged with statutory rape, and forever be a "registered sex offender." And I suspect most people would cheer the decision. Also goes for a 23 y/o woman and 16 y/o boy (as has made the news recently with a couple high school teachers). However, our age for legal use of alcohol is 21 in every state that I know of. (Used to be 18, laws started to change when I was a teen in the 80s.)

I'm not there yet with DD. I would definitely not allow a relationship. It is illegal and that point would be stressed to DD and the man. I would tell him I cannot allow a relationship, I'm sure you understand I am still responsible for my daughter and a good mother would never allow this. I would be polite and respectful in my words so as to alienate DD as little as possible.

With DD, I hope I would handle this with open dialogue, not a lecture. I hope I would tell her how wonderful she is, that I can see what any guy would find attractive in her. That she is beautiful and smart and fun, and make sure that she said it about herself. I'd make sure of that so she didn't need to go to this guy to hear good things about herself. I'd maybe ask "what if your friend wanted to date a man who was 23, what advice would you give her? How about a little sister?" I'd try to get her to see things from a different perspective and figure it out for herself. That her idea of a relationship is probably different that hers. How much fun would he even have hanging around her friends? And her hanging around with his friends is an even bigger issue, considering they can drink and she cannot, legally. But if push came to shove, I would assert authority in the end and not allow her a relationship with this man.

I'm curious, how did your daughter meet this guy?

    Bookmark   January 5, 2007 at 12:20PM
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In well more than 1/2 of the states the age of consent is 16 or younger for a female. Likely he won't get arrested for statutory rape.
But the maturity of a man who would be interested in spending time with a 16 year old is not that of my visions for a son in law.
She thinks he's hot stuff because he's married and wants to date her.
But.....if you put up a brick wall, you are likely to force something you won't want to happen.
Hang tough.
Linda C

    Bookmark   January 5, 2007 at 2:03PM
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Popi - for ME, it is NOT so much that there is an age difference. Although, 16 and 23 is WAY different than 26 and 33...
Bottom line...I would NOT want my daughter being the 'other woman' to a married man! Especially my teenage daughter.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2007 at 2:58PM
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Yes, I would like to know where she met him as well.

Stephanie...In Australia, you can legally consume alcohol at 18. My DD was recently in the US and was surprised to see alcohol for sale in the supermarket, train stations. Very accessible.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2007 at 6:37PM
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"My DD was recently in the US and was surprised to see alcohol for sale in the supermarket, train stations. Very accessible."

Not everywhere! And you have to show photo ID and be 21.
You have to buy liquor in state run stores in PA.

When I went to CA I was shocked to see vodka in the produce section of Albertson's (grocery store)!

    Bookmark   January 5, 2007 at 7:10PM
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In Maryland, you can't buy alcohol anywhere but package stores. You won't find wine or beer in grocery stores or convenience stores.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2007 at 9:22PM
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Well after a few days of the silent treatment my dd seems to be back to herself. I don't think she is seeing the 23 year old behind our backs either, because I have heard her and some friends talking about boys their ages.
For those of you who wanted to know how she met the man, he was the brother of her best friend. Or ex- best friend. They had a falling out due to this situation. Hopefully they can mend tha friendship, and I think the guy got the message loud and clear.
thanks to everyone who responded

    Bookmark   January 11, 2007 at 3:26PM
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I once knew a popular girl in high school (16) who also dated a 23 year old. Then one day she told us she was getting married and Friday was her last day of school(at 16)! We never saw her again. As we graduated and moved on with our lives, every once in a while I would wonder why she was in such a hurry to grow up and how she missed so, so much. Those years were so much fun, especially into the 20's... and I imagined her at 16 living the life of everyone else's mom...doing laundry, cleaning the house, etc. I don't not know if she had kids right away of not. I imagine they lived in some dumpy place because they were too young to have any money, and since she never graduated, I do not imagine that there were any great job offers coming her way. I also imagine at some point she looked back and was furious at her parents for letting her do this, and not stopping her. She had so much going for her, and settled for so little.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2007 at 9:05AM
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I think you did the right thing...when I was 17 I dated a 21 year old and it was really bad news. Its obvious now why he was dating me, not at the time though. Luckily he moved away and that was the end of it. Of course, if my parents had said no way, I would have snuck out.
to see him and it would have made it even more exciting.

I am assuming you have had the talk with DD about sex, prevention of STDS and pregnancy? Thank god my relationship with this older guy didn't lead to any of that because I was aware how to prevent all of that.

That is my biggest concern.

Where I am at in the US, age of consent is 14 I believe. I know its younger than 16.

    Bookmark   January 28, 2007 at 8:16PM
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Good for you for sticking to your guns. Your daughter will get over it. There would be no way on God's green earth that I would allow a married man to date my teen-aged daughter. That is a situation just asking for trouble and heart ache. If the fellow tried to date my daughter again my husband would have a little "talk" with him along with my brothers if you know what I mean. As parents you have to make rules that are for the betterment and safety of your children...you did the right thing. Good work! NancyLouise

    Bookmark   January 28, 2007 at 10:18PM
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Ok, first off, you cannot have a 23 year old arrested for being with your daughter...and that IS NOT breaking the law, Unless sex is involved. Now the fact he is still married is what I would be concerned with, and what type of person is he? I am a 22 year old man, and I am just "talking" to a 16 year old girl who is very mature for her age. She lied about her age on a website and thats how that began. In my state age of consent is 16. And how? and where? did your daughter meet him?

    Bookmark   April 24, 2010 at 1:00PM
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monolyth, welcome to Garden Web. Please notice that that post was made in January of 2007. The problem probably isn't a problem anymore.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2010 at 4:29PM
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