Discussing divorce.

garyfla_gwJanuary 27, 2014

First wife and I had a long bitter divorce but produced one daughter . She was not quite 3 at the time and I got custody and stayed with me until she was 11. then went to live with her mother stepfather until she married .
I made a STRICT policy of never discussing the divorce
for many reasons . She is grown has children of her own,even a grandmotherlol During visits whenever the subject came up I would avoid direct answers or change the subject.
During a visit last May the subject came up mostly about the details. When I tried to change the subject she said "I.m a grown woman I think I can handle anything you might say and I feel whatever the truth it mostly involves me " So for the next 4 hours we discussed every sordid detail and included her husband who knew her mother but only me indirectly of course.
Anyway , I was VERY uncomfortable but realised almost every detail was either an outright lie or twisted
She told me the conversation was "Very useful" as did her husband but I feel I made a huge mistake in rehashing the distant past and noted it aroused alot of emotion that I though was dead and buried lol
Anyway this brings me to the present problem she severed all contact with her nmother over 3 years ago. In fact her mother has remarried and she didn't know it though they live less than 10 miles apart!! I feel this is wrong after all it's her mother no matter what happened ..
She does have some VERY good reasons I'll admit but there must be another way. I do think it's irelevant what I think so have not pushed the point . Since we live 1500
miles apart I only communicate irregularly but can sure feel a "wedge" building . So I guess the answer is to "Shutup?? Feel I'm making yet another mistake?? Thanks for any suggestions

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I'm not sure I understand. I'm guessing you dished out the dirty details on your ex to your child. It's really never a child's business to know the intimate details of the parents divorce. It's enough to tell the child that it has nothing what so ever to do with them and that's ALL they need to know. take the high road even if your ex has lied. If you're confronted with something the child was told and it's untrue then say so but don't give details. the cat is already out of the bag now so I would just try to get back to the relationship you were comfortable with and never discuss it again. Call and email, even send a nice "thinking of you" card with a few words and an I love you written inside. Do it as often as you feel comfortable with. I'm sure time will heal this fracture if you don't let it fester.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2014 at 1:32AM
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Guess I missed with my post. First my daughter is 47 lol
The divorce happened in 1970 in a town of 15,000 and involved 27 court hearings spanning around 15 years
So there was much talk around town particularly with her mothers family. Much public recrimination even gunfire on a couple of occasions .lol All best forgotten in my opinion .
Of the many problems that have defied resolution two
have resurfaced many times .
First Her mother testified under oath that I am not her father. Which required a LOT of hearings for me to get custody .. Next comes her eldest daughter by her second marriage which she testified was mine not her husbands . This child was born while we were separated during the divorce . This required a lot of hearings to leagally straighten out. This child bears her husbands name and according to my daughter, her HALF sister she believes that he is her father not me.
Which brings me to the present problem which led to long discussion .
Two years ago my ex wifes husband commited "suicide". During my visit my son in law was telling me the details and suspects that it was not a suicide at all.
While he does not know what happened he does know that she lied to the police.. So he was asking for my advice on what he should do. To that I have no idea!!! lol
Looking back I strongly regret that I had not been more open . Might have avoided some of the ensuing problems ,misunderstandings ??
Anyway i thank you for your thoughts gary

    Bookmark   January 30, 2014 at 6:54AM
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Wow Gary, that's way more complicated than your average divorce. No wonder I didn't understand the first post. You might be better off to keep your distance from this ex. It sounds like the son in law might be in some danger. He would be well advised to keep his mouth shut and not let anyone know he has any info about the death. He might end up waking up at the bottom of a lake or something. Good thing you got out of the situation in one piece! As far as your kids go, let them know you love them and do what you can to keep in contact but don't get involved in the family politics. If you really want a relationship with the Half daughter, include her in any events you invite the older daughter to. Make her feel welcome and maybe, with some time, you can develop at least a friendship with her. If you KNOW she's yours and you have any paperwork that proves it, show it to her. But wait a while. She just lost the man she thinks was her dad. I would try to develop a friendship first though. Good luck to you Gary.

    Bookmark   January 31, 2014 at 6:02PM
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Well those two problems have been resolved at least to my satisfaction... It does not matter to me what the truth is. She is MY daughter while the second is not. A DNA test obviously would resolve the whole thing. Not necessary for me I'm content with the legal decree from many years ago.
I told my daughter this during our discussion
I explained to her why her mother lied and her motives for doing so. She seemed content with that explaination and I feel under no obligation to explain to her stepsister
As to my son in law he has a lot of VERY good reasons to doubt the "suicide" He was NOT questioned during the investigation so he never had to make a statement. I think he should just let it pass UNLESS he is directly ?? by the police. If so then stick to exactly what he has seen not what he suspects . After all he might get into serious trouble if he lied ?? Stick to the absolute truth?? Has been over two years since this happened and there has been no further investigation BUT there are at least two other people who do not think it was "suicide"

    Bookmark   February 1, 2014 at 6:39AM
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Have you ever thought to put some of your feelings in writing to your daughter just as you have here?

She's an adult so it is her choice whether she wants to see her mother or not, despite whether you feel it is wrong or not. She has her reasons and needs to sort that out for herself. She also asked you for information about the divorce as an adult. She did so for a reason, even if that reason is her own. Given what you said here I personally would probably not say anything about that, but be supportive of her if she wants to talk about it.

The most you can say is that you do feel a wedge building and that it concerns you for her (if that is the case). Other than that I see her asking for info about your divorce as a positive sign that she is sorting it out on her own and I think it good that you were open with her despite it being in the past and uncomfortable for you. It doesn't hurt to reiterate that. Likewise, what she does or doesn't do is her choice.

"So I guess the answer is to "Shutup?? Feel I'm making yet another mistake?? Thanks for any suggestions."

Maybe the answer is just for you to explore why you feel it would be another mistake.

As to your son-in-law if he has reason to believe or doubt that this was a suicide then maybe he needs to report it to the police. How could that be construed as lying? You provided him with good info that he should report what he has seen and not what he suspects and especially so if there are other people who also don't think it was a suicide. It sounds like people think she murdered him or at least suspect so. If that is the case then definitely the police need to be alerted. If he is worried or concerned about consequences then he needs to take some precautions and also talk to the police about his concerns as well or see a professional counselor.

You daughter elected to estrange from her mother and that is her choice regardless of whether you feel that it is wrong or not.

There's an excellent website that deals with estrangement that you may find beneficial. I would encourage you to take a good look at the articles on the website and I will offer the link below. Just for your information I am also not affiliated with the website.

I hope this helps.

Here is a link that might be useful: Estrangement

    Bookmark   February 1, 2014 at 6:18PM
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Apparently what happened when my daughter moved away with her mother and stepfater. There were a lot of separations ,infidelities as well as a lot of financial ,legal problems.. This continued when they moved back to our hometown.. When the suicide occured he was living with an "old girlfriend" which is where it happened.
Son in law told me that she had stated to the police that she was NOT around when it happened but SIL had actually taken her to the house that day. also the gun that was used actually belonged to her. The other people who believe she was directly involved are his daughters from his first marriage .
He was not ?? by police and death is legally classified as "Suicide ". He DID not see any confrontation that night
but she was very agitated and he suggested that she not go there but he did drive her there and has no idea how she got home . Has no idea what"old girl friend" "believes or where she was at, that night but there had been several confrontations that he had personally wittnessed .
My advice to him was to say nothing unless directly ?? by the police The investigation is "closed " see no benefit to any action on his part.
As for me ,I see no involvement at all . Thank the lord I live 1500 miles away and know nothing lol Thanks for the info

    Bookmark   February 4, 2014 at 5:06AM
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