HELP!! I'm overwhelmed again!))

adobesunlightOctober 11, 2007

Talley Sue----I honestly did forget to pick up the 10 things last night and hadn't returned to the computer to receive your message until this morning. So sorry! Not only did yesterday get me off track, but DH got up during the night and made a mess in the kitchen, so sink has dirty dishes and pots and pans piled up which was awaiting me first thing this morning!! He knows that I'm trying to keep order in this house and is also aware that the sink must stay clean, so why did he do this??? Also, I had mentioned to him (bad mistake) that I still needed to do my 15 minutes worth of work last night and his response was, "Please don't!!! You make me crazy whenever you're doing stuff like that. Just relax...." OMG!! So now I know he's not going to support me in this endeavor, which means I have to get tougher on myself and make the most out of my days when he's away. UGH! I also spoke to my best friend on the phone this morning and cancelled our plans for today so that I could get caught up here. She seemed to understand every word, but then mentioned the fact that she'd see me in a few minutes! She and her husband are dropping by because I had ended up with one of her grocery items by mistake. Now knowing the talker she is, I fear being distracted for a period of time and feeling side-tracked once again. Okay, now I'm borrowing trouble, right? So today I feel at loose ends. The dishes are done yet again and sink is clean. That's all so far! Headed for a trash bag and at least pick up what's visible for now.....We'll see what happens next!!

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talley_sue_nyc

his response was, "Please don't!!! You make me crazy whenever you're doing stuff like that. Just relax...." OMG!!

My DH does that too--he always wanted to sit and linger after dinner, and he used to try to make me do it with him. He wanted the "illusion of leisure," he said.

Made me CRAZY!!!!

I finally had to say to him, "The thing YOU want is destroying totally something that is tremendously necessary to me. I do not value the 'illusion of leisure.' I desperately, desperately NEED the 'reality of industry.'"

I couldn't relax. I was sitting there fidgeting, thinking of all the things I had *planned* to tackle. All my energy was stirred up to *work,* and I couldn't USE it. In fact, my suffering was not JUST that stuff wasn't getting done. It was that the "relaxing" was in fact doing just the OPPOSITE. I was MORE stressed from the "illusion of leisure."

And I just did it, after that.

He has to give in, He has to.

You have to, of course, thoroughly explain to him why this is something that you NEED. This is not a whim, this is not "entertainment." This is a desperate, desperate need. And it is an investment in being ABLE to relax at some OTHER time.

And then just ignore him. Do what you need to do. Relax with him when you can.

Also, when your friend the talker "drops by," you do NOT need to stop for her. You open the door, give her her groceries, and put your hands on whatever thing you were decluttering. Either she'll stand and talk at you while you work, or she'll realize you're busy, and she'll leave.

No matter what, you don't stop for her. This is not a social visit--this is "dropping by to pick something up," and you don't stop your project for any part of this but opening and closing doors (and maybe handing her the grocery item)

Good luck, you can do it! Think of this as a training exercise--like basketball practice or homework.

You're not knocked off course; honest, you're not.

You are just (understandable in the early stages of this) identifying the obstacles, and testing the coping mechanisms.

(w/ your DH, can you say to him, "I will relax when I've done the 15 minutes--how long is that? Surely you can cope w/ me being effective for THAT long. And after then, I'll be ABLE to relax w/ you")

As for the sink, well, one thing to remember: a clean sink is a transient thing. Flylady doesn't intend for us to clean it once and then admire it.

One thing the clean sink is a metaphor for is this: keeping order is like dealing w/ a river. Stuff is always moving. You are simply herding it, clearing the debris out of the way, etc.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 12:24PM
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clink

My DH is the same way about relaxing so I found I had to change my work schedule to accommadate his "relaxation" ---

Our work schedules are slightly different so those early morning hours -- I spring into action while making his lunch while he is getting ready for work. I start laundry then -- I make the bed -- I plan supper.

Then in the evening, when he wants to sit and relax, I do the mending, I knit, I do bills -- I may sort thru a box of stuff. I don't have to be sitting still to relax -- nor do I have to be running thru the house to accomplish something.

Plan your work so DH has some attention from you and you get what you want -- a clean house.

Cathy

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 1:06PM
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marie26

My DH was alsi the same way. And I was the same as Talley Sue, not relaxing knowing that there were things to take care of. If DH had a choice, I think he could be one of the grandparents in Willy Wonka, always lying in bed and taking it easy. I, on the other hand, need to be doing something. It's gotten to the point that there are few movies I'll watch at home without doing something else at the same time.

DH tried to get me to relax instead of decluttering. He's learned to just accept that this is what I'm going to be doing.

I also woke up this morning to a pile of dishes in the sink. DD decided to bake a cake in the middle of the night. I made a comment to her that there were dishes left in the sink and she said that she cleaned up the counters. That is a definite improvement and I guess my nagging finally got to her. Funny, how she was proud of herself for cleaning up HER mess but all I could think of was the dishes in my clean sink. Baby steps, I guess.

Well, I'm off now to "sparkle" clean the kitchen and floor.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 1:17PM
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jannie

My husband has an odd habit that I've tried to corral. He puts all the dirty dishes and pots in the sink. I've told him at least 1,000 times, put them in the dishwasher. But it's like he "thinks" he's helping me by piling up the sink.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 3:46PM
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marie26

Mine thinks he's helping by putting the dishes near the sink and further away from the dishwasher. Jannie, at least your DH understands there is a sink.

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 3:54PM
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adobesunlight

I don't like being faced with dirty dishes in the sink and even moreso dirty pots and pans because I can't make coffee without emptying the sink first! ACK!! So yes, I'd much rather if he didn't do them himself to leave "whatever" on the counter and I'll deal with it as soon as I have at the very least a sip of coffee.

Oh, and by the way, DH told me today after coming home from work that he really should have done the dishes since it was his mess afterall. LOL! YAY!!! At least he's realizing how much effort I'm making in trying to get the house organized and clean! I'm a happy camper!

    Bookmark   October 11, 2007 at 7:37PM
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wantoretire_did

Adobe - If you have a percolator or drip coffeemaker you can set it up in the evening, then you just have to plug it in when you get up in the AM,or put it on a timer to be finished by the time you are up :-)

Sure saves me when I'm stumbling around and the dog wants to be fed, etc., etc.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2007 at 9:24AM
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