Need Advice

galatea_sdDecember 1, 2007

I really am at a loss and have been unable to sleep. My husband and I have been together for almost eleven years; we met at a work place. At that time I was disappointed that he was not more detail oriented (he worked in the restaurant kitchen and wouldn't sweep/mop under appliances after closing. I thought it was lazy and would do it myself as I couldn't stand not to have it done.) BTW I was not officially his boss then.

We worked various other jobs, sometimes at the same places. In 2003 I opened my own business which is based on commision only. He has worked in my office before but I honestly though he was too lazy and took advantage by surfing the internet most of the day. He came back this Spring when I was unable to find good help & he was sick of his job. He would then tell me when I asked him if he got such & such done that I had not trained him properly on the process and so he did not feel comfortable doing it, so it was not done.

He is not a self starter At All and to be honest, I am only partially one. Now his 11 y.o. son has come to live with us, we have no children (I never wanted any) and we are having discipline issues there. The child has never beent taught properly to use utensils, speak proper english, maintain his own hygiene, etc. It has been a massive challenge right there.

To add to that, my business production has fallen steadily since DH started in the office. It has gotten to the point that we are not making enough to pay all of our bills for the past two months. He just says 'we will have to sell more this month' but doesn't really try and I honestly feel so demotivated I would rather do it myself, at least I know it is done right (Type A.) I am also thinking at least with another employee that I can hire/fire without personal issues.

I tell him that something has to change this month or we won't make it, he says to me 'you make it sound like it is all up to me'. I can't even think what to do or say, I spend most of last night sleepless and worried sick. I have always been controlling about taking care of bills etc, and know can see the effects of that - he has no idea how bad that things really are, no matter what I say. he has never in his life had to deal with the bills by himself, and I don;'t think that he really cares as someone else has always taken care of things for him before.

I am so scared and worried and thinking maybe things will never change. I know that I should never have expected him to be responsible, but now wonder how in the hell I am going to support all three of us for the rest of my life. He knew money was tight and still spent over $400 on a credit card last month. I honestly don't think that consequenses are real to him; they are something that other people deal with. I am thinking about divorcing and getting out of this.

I honestly don't know how to keep going and what to do. I am sick at heart and we are now over $25K in CC debt with no end in sight, as he does not seem to want to get another job.

what do I do? Am I being unreasonable or did I set this up to happen with babying him all through our past relationship? I am at a complete loss.

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What a mess:( I really feel for you, you need to set him down and show him everything, can you get your hands on his credit cards? he does not need to have them at a time like this, if he does not understand what is going on he needs to learn, quickly. Those credit cards can be your worse nightmare. I am lucky to have a DH that has a good head with the cards, he never charges more then he can pay off in the next month, if I had access to them we would be so far in debt, lol!
There are things I want to say, but I am afraid they would be taken wrong, I want to see what others say first:)

    Bookmark   December 2, 2007 at 12:40AM
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You knew it. You married him anyway. (why?!?!) No surprises since, just more of the same. Don't know why you did it then, but this is now. Stop circling the drain with this loser. You have all the information you need. Get out, out, out!

    Bookmark   December 3, 2007 at 6:54PM
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I'm interested in this answer as well. I have no real advice--just commiseration. Your situation and mine mirror each other to a great deal and I'm wondering about the "should I stay or go" thing as well.

It's a tough decision.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2007 at 8:31PM
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OP, I was married to a man that, although he was actually a good worker and his bosses always loved him, just wasted money and was irresponsible. I made more money and had to make sure I could mostly cover the bills. All my money went to the household. He pocketed a portion of his. He used our emergency credit card for a boat rental. I would tell him all I had in my purse was just enough gas money to get to work until pay day, and then he would snatch it. Nice huh? The whole point is he never changed. Honestly, if you can't live with him exactly as is I think he's making it clear he's not going change. My advice, run. I was heartbroken, but it's the best thing I ever did. I have an awesome husband now.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2007 at 9:19AM
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Do you love him ?

I guess its good that you are in a situation where you are the one "in charge", so to speak. I would use your "authority", and come up with a strict financial plan.

I would certainly take away the credit card.

Get him involved with the bill paying. Show him the bills.

Sounds like you are being taken advantage of, which is not ideal, is it ? He is in the marriage, he must take responsibility for what is going on.

You need to address your stress levels. Loosing sleep will certainly make things worse than they appear.

Learn some relaxation techniques.

Do you have respect for this man ?

    Bookmark   December 5, 2007 at 1:13AM
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This man has been avoiding responsibility far longer than you have known him. He was running away when you met and married him. (married "almost 11 years) 11 year old son comes to live with you. I personally find it a lot easier to love a helpless baby than a badly trained smelly pre-teen. Just wait a while. This man will be gone leaving you with the kid he abandoned years ago. Why shouldn't he? You've been cleaning up his messes for 11 years.

Wake up and smell the coffee.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2007 at 3:53PM
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