'sexless marriage.. need help'

lonely_wifeDecember 28, 2008

I have been married for barely 2 years and I'm miserable. I have known my husband for 4 years now. Pathetic I may be but I'm one of those mail ordered brides from Asia. We had a whirlwind relationship that ended in me getting pregnant. I wanted to break up with him 'coz I didn't want him to stay with me because of the baby but he assured me that he "loved" me so I stayed in the relationship. When we finally got married and when I came here in the US, I found out that he was seeing other girls and was having sex with them during the 2 year "get to know each other" years. I was devastated. During the first months of my stay here, he treated me like crap, threatening that he could have me deported. Ofcourse I was scared coz I didn't want to be separated from my child who's already 2 years old. He lied to me when we were still writing to each other. He does not have a job, he has so many health problems and most of all he has erectyle dysfunction. After we got married, we did not have sex, it took us 3 months before the marriage was consumated. He'd tell me that it's because of the child that it's hard being intimate when there is a child bugging us. He was never sweet to me, never showed that I was special. We did not even have a wedding ring coz he did not want to wear one. He was married once and it really hurt when he used to tell me how he treated his ex wife, sending her flowers, giving her expensive ring, buying her stuff and just doing anything for her. I mean I don't want to sound materialistic but as a woman, I yearn to be treated with gentless and to feel special.

I'm the one working fulltime now. I pay for the bills and now he has medical insurance to pay for medical stuff. I don't know what to do. I want to believe that he loves me but I just don't feel it. We're not sleeping in the same room. He chose to sleep in the sofa coz he wanted me to sleep with our child. I've been trying to tell him about my need and even told him that I resorted in masteurbation but it didn't do it for him. He'd tell me that I have to understand his problem that all the time and that I should not be selfish but there he was, he got addicted into internet porn. He was apologetic when I caught him but again, he demanded that I understand his "struggle".

I don't know what to do... We have not have sex for 7 months. We've only done it 4 times this year and everytime, I don't get any satisfaction. The thing that really hurts me is that he does not want to do anything about it. He saw a Urologist last month but did not ask the doctor if he could prescribe a medication to help him. I'm confused.. He's a very loving father to our child. He can be a nice person to me. He can be affectionate too, throwing hugs and kisses here and there but I want more. I want a marriage. I really do care for him but it fades off everyday. Sometimes I even think of getting a divorce but I don't want to hurt our child who loves him so dearly. Please please help!

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This is from a Christian site about husbands looking at porn-makes sense to me!

Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person's involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it's a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be "neuter" for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 2:13AM
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If you are not happy with them you need to get divorced with him..


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    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 6:16AM
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Of course, it sounds like a porn problem but it also seems like there are levels of other, maybe more, serious problems going on here.

It sounds like he never really respected you. Do you think he ever loved you - not in the whirlwind romance type of love -- but the "he really cares about me" sense. You call yourself a mail order bride -- but then say you got pregnant -- not sure how that relationship was. I take it he was simply 'visiting' you from time to time while he had a girlfriend(s) back home? I'm trying to figure what your relationship is based on. Did you actually really date enough to fall in love or did he just 'visit' you? Do you think he thought he was doing you a favor marrying you (not because you were pregnant - but because you were foreign)? Was the love and respect of a dating relationship ever there to continue into marriage?

I think a marriage counselor may help. You guys need to figure out what is going on. Maybe he doesn't think YOU really love HIM, roped him into marriage with a pregnancy and were really just after a green card. You guys need to get everything out in the open to be able to move on- hopefully with each other since there is a child involved. The porn, to me, seems like a symptom of another problem. Then again, I would guess you met him on line when he probably had a girlfriend, no? - Maybe he's just one of those guys that isn't a one woman man, and is always searching for something/someone else online. A counselor may help there too. Good luck.

...And, compared to what I hear on here, 7 months isn't that long ... especially with health problems and a small child sleeping in your bed. Get that kid out of your bed and into his/her own bed now!

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 10:18AM
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Are you able to stay in your adopted country if you are not married ?

Perhaps you should become a citizen of that country for the security of your child. I assume you are in the US ?

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 6:41PM
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Thanks for the response. He admitted to me that he has been addicted to porn for years now and that he tried stopping so many times but failed. He also admitted that he went to strip clubs in the past. Apparently, he has deep problems with porn. One time when we were in the car listening to Dr. Laura about this wife whose husband is also addicted to porn, he commented that she should have been more understanding about it. I was really annoyed, I told him I don't understand the need to look at porn coz to me, pardon my words but it's the same freakin vagina. I think he was really surprised to see me reacted like that coz I'm normally very dassile. Anyway, to carla35, I honestly don't know if he loves me. The way it happened was, he went to see me and the unexpected happened the first night we saw each other. Of course, it was not planned and I did not know I was fertile so I got pregnant. We've only known each other for 3 months when it happened so things we're just in total limbo. While I was pregnant with the child, I later found out that he went to see this other woman and told her that he thought the child was not his. He was basically bad mouthing me. I found it out when I saw the girl's page in myspace so I asked her a couple of questions. When I confronted him about it, he got mad and told me that my problem was, I was too preoccupied with the past. He then told me that he was not married to me when that happened and he's not obligated to be loyal to me. Again, I sulked in too much apathy. There I was pregnant and was not married and he was doing things behind my back. And that's not the only time that he was disloyal in our relationship. Over the course of time when I was pregnant, he went to places like Thailand and Indonesia to meet his penpals while I was back home not knowing what was going on. You have to understand that where I'm from, it not like here in the US where people don't put too much emphasis on someone getting pregnant out of wedlock. There, it's a taboo and it's shameful. People are not as liberated as people here. I suffered a lot and so did my family but I ate everything because it was my fault in the first place. I did not do it to get a greencard. It was just something brought my an impulse. I was stupid enough to believe that he loved me. When I found out I was pregnant, I broke up with him but he insisted that he loved me and I believed him.
I had been supportive of him since we started writing to each other. I was loyal and really committed myself to the realtionship. I guess it's too much for me to ask for just a little respect and love. I only dated one guy before I got married. I was a virgin when we did it so I don't know how it feels to be wanted and desired. He's content with what we have right now, him sleeping in the sofa while I sleep with our child. I never wanted to have our child sleep in our bed but he was the one who pushed me to do it. He bugged me that I should be there for the child and that we should sleep in the same bed. Have you ever experienced the feeling of abandonment? The feeling of hopelessness that no matter how hard you try, you're doomed to failure.
All he cares about is bills getting paid and be able to buy what he wants. He does not care about what I need nor my feelings. I really want to get a divorce but it's just difficult with the child. I know it'll break the poor kid's spirit. But I guess I have to just be happy of what I have right now. Just make the best of what's there coz the child is the innocent party here. I don't want to rob his childhood and not have an intact family.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 10:59PM
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I'm not sure that I got this right, but, you slept with a foreign man the first night you met him (I'm guessing after talking to him on the computer a couple months), got pregnant (because you didn't know you were fertile), and really thought he was marrying you because he loved and respected you?

Well, he obviously can't be all bad. He did marry you even suspecting that you could have very well been carrying someone else's child (I probably would have thought the same thing). He didn't really know you and your sleeping around habits any more than you knew his, right?

But he's right, the past is the past, and you may really still be able to form a respectful and loving relationship especially because there is a child involved. Some men don't often look for the 'love' like most women do, but are content with more of a companionship thing... maybe he's got that with you and thinks it's enough. There appears to be layers going on in your relationship and maybe even some cutural differences contributing to problems. Fact is, he does need to treat you better; porn is bad enough, but I for one wouldn't put up with visits to his penpals. How is this even allowed? If you want to be respected, start acting and even demanding some respect. It totally sounds like he's going to take advantage of you if you allow him to. Again, talk to a counselor and get that kid out of your bed! There's so much going on here - I'd really try to get to the root of it rather than slowly picking away at symptoms.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2008 at 12:28AM
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This just doesnt sound right to me. A mail order bride from Asia with no language barrier at all? She uses "perfect slang", the word "crap", grammer and english is perfect? She sounds educated. All in two years?

    Bookmark   January 1, 2009 at 9:54AM
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Good point, Linda. That got right by me.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2009 at 8:38PM
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