please help advice needed

nikki2403December 13, 2013

Hi folks, I just need a bit of guidance,
My husband and I have been married 6yrs we have 2 beautiful boys(5and 2), hubby is 40 and I am 34. The thing is we both have no senior qualifacations although hubby works in I.T and have got some Diplomas, his salary with 2 children is not great.
I have always worked in Admin and have taken time out of work since having the children although i have done agency work to make ends meet inbetween.I am now ready to go back to work and have a career but am finding it difficult to get the job I want, hubby also wants to earn more but finding it hard as he has experience but no higher qualifaction like a Degree.We have discussed this in depth and decided that we dont like the way our life is and we have to take control and change this.
We have both decided to do Degrees I am doing Law and he is doing a business degree. I thought great at least he is trying. The thing is my husband is a gamer at 40 (I DONT GET IT) and spends 20mins studing and 4-6hrs playing game at night when the kids are asleep. I dont think he has any interest in the course as this shows in his scores I have told him that the marriage is over if he doesnt complete as I am the only one trying to make a difference here. He promised me this will change but his last exam he got 41% pass mark 40%.
This is really stressing me out as we are poor and have taken out student loans to facilitate this and he leading me on.The thing is I WILL kick him out and he thinks i wont fedup of nagging.

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Nagging doesn't do any good and I don't think he will change until you give him a ultimatum, if then. Leave him alone and start making other plans for you and the boys. Good luck.

You don't have to have a degree to get a job and have it turn into a good thing. My husband of 15 years only had a 6th graded education and always managed to support us. He worked at a major aircraft plant, had a civil service job and the longest he was out of work was 6 weeks one time.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2013 at 6:30PM
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thanks Emma, I have spoken to him he knows the ultimatium but I have also accepted the fact that I cant MAKE him study anything he has to want it.
The thing is we are both depressed because we are just always skint all the time. I keep repeating the words of my gran to myself she says "it doesnt rain everyday" things will get better.

thanks for reading

    Bookmark   December 14, 2013 at 5:25AM
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The thing you have to do is decide if you would be better off with him or without him.

If he is a good father and husband stay with him, you may never find a better one. As long as he is working a job and not laying around the house, that is not to bad. Adjust to the fact he will not change. If he was abusing you I would never suggest this..........try to adjust your feelings about this for your children's sake. Don't dwell on the problem.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2013 at 9:17AM
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If you are the mom of two young boys and in law school, then you are a very busy young woman. I don't see how you have the time to study law, take care of the home and family, and he has time to play video games 6 hours every night.

Your grades are very important if you are studying law. I don't know if you can make your husband study and make good grades if he really doesn't want to. But you can ask him to pick up more of the chores. If he does all the cooking, cleaning and shopping, and he takes care of the kids after he gets home from work, then perhaps you can take a part time job while you are working toward your law degree.

I know what I'm about to say next is not what you asked, and forgive me if I'm overstepping my bounds here. Have you checked into your career prospects with a law degree? I have read that many young people are taking out loans for law school and are unable to get a job in the profession once they graduate. I saw a long-time acquaintance of mine recently who had 2 very talented and intelligent sons, one of whom graduated recently from one of the top law schools in the southeast. He's living in her basement now because he's unable to find a job in law.

You might have better prospects with accounting or something in the IT field.

Whatever you decide, I applaud you for sacrificing to get a better education to improve your job prospects. That's wonderful! Your boys will be so proud of you one day when they're old enough to understand. I know many people who have gone back to school at your age and improved their lives and the lives of their children. You go, girl!

    Bookmark   December 14, 2013 at 10:33PM
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Hi Daisy,
thanks for your reply. I am studing my degree firstly for myself more than anything, not everyone studing a Law Degree wants to become lawyers there are a lot of career paths one can take with a law degree. I am in the UK and every career path is hard at the moment it just depends on how determined a person is to get on, my husband works in I.T and I have a friend who is an accountant its not blooming in those professions either.
80% of the people on my course are over 40 which for me is really encouraging.I hope to do well but I am not alone in terms of family ,commitment a job and kids at the moment I am averaging 75% which I dont think is too bad:)

    Bookmark   December 16, 2013 at 8:13AM
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Unless you have an intense desire to practice law, I can't imagine choosing a more difficult and time consuming career path. However, as you know, there are other, shorter, ways to make a living in law: legal secretary, legal assistant, paralegal, etc.

Have you considered how much time you will have to devote to your career after you get the degree? Most actual lawyers spend a lot of time at work, in research, etc.
Their hours are long and hard.

I applaud you for having the foresight to realize that you want and need a better future, which takes education. I hope your husband comes to the same conclusion, but you cannot force him to do so. He either will or he won't. Threats, ultimatums, etc. are not very effective. I hope that he sees that you are serious and you can role model for him. He may never get to the place you are, but if he is a good husband and father, why throw out the baby with the bathwater?

Meanwhile, my advice is to seek career counseling, set a definite job goal and learn all you can about the actual day -to-day requirements of a job in law. Maybe you could job shadow for a week, or volunteer for a short time to get the feel of what this actually entails. There are web sites that tell you the beginning, median and top salaries, requirements, where the jobs are. etc. I don't know those specifics in the UK, but here they are under US Dept. of Labor, then just look for the career title.

Good luck and congratulations on taking charge of your future! (And treat your husband the way you would want to be treated.)

    Bookmark   December 16, 2013 at 6:47PM
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I'm just going to be blunt here. I don't understand why you're pursuing a law degree "for yourself, not necessarily to practice law", when you seem to desperately need more money. Do you understand how hard it is to get a law degree and the amount of $ you'll spend doing so? You didn't say what yours or your husband's current education level is so it's difficult to say what you should do next. As someone else pointed out, having a degree is not always the answer to getting a good job. There are lots of programs out there right now that will train you in a short period of time for a better job. This wouldn't cost you as much and would get you in better jobs right away. Then later on, you could pursue degrees or advanced degrees (depending on where you are now). As for your husband, it doesn't sound like he's ready for the path to higher learning. If he's in an IT job now, he should probably look into getting certified in various IT applications so he can apply for more and better jobs. Again, he can just take short courses and pass the test to achieve that. Bottom line, I think you might want to have short and long-term plans. Good luck.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2013 at 6:37AM
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What kind of home do you have, is it to expensive and adding to you financial burden. I have a friend who works almost 2 shifts to make their bills. He does all of that because they live beyond their means.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2013 at 10:51AM
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Nikki, I have some practical suggestions. Find a law firm close by and ask for an appointment with HR. Tell them you are not seeking a job, just information. Find out how many people they hire each year and the starting salary and grade average for those new hires. That way you will know if the law degree will pay off. If you are not going to practice law, I would just finish the time you paid for and stop.

If you stop, you can use the money to move out. Your husband is not going to change. He is addicted and puts his gaming first. I don't know how it is in England, but you may be able to get government assistance. Time to start finding out what is available. They may do career guidance as well.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2014 at 6:30PM
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