out of chances...

sav202020December 20, 2006

I just found this site searching for information about a divorce and found it very intriguing.

Unfortunately my wife and I are going to be getting a divorce. We have been together for 12 years, 2 of them marriedwe have two children, a 1 and 3 year old. Things have been very bad the past couple years and I donÂt know what to do anymore. IÂll start at the beginningÂ

About six years ago, I made some poor decisions with some money, but instead of telling her, I dug my hole deeper with lies, on top of lies, on to of getting small loans, on top of more liesÂI know she knew, sheÂs a very smart girl, but she just let it be, and I just kept on lyingÂwhen the mail would come, I would try to get to it first so she couldnÂt see anything, then people started calling me and I would lie some moreÂsomething had to be done, so I did it, I woke her up one night and told her everything about the lies, where they started, why they started, etc. She was furious and immediately things changedÂThere was no more love in our house, no more hey honey, hey baby doll, none of that, everything became on a first name basisÂit has gotten very bad since. She has since become physically abusive towards me, she tried to kick me and punch me down the stairs while I was holding our son and left me with a huge gash on my cheek and head from her nails, she was close to scratching my face again at my sisterÂs house for a party but didnÂt cause I walked out of the room we were in, she attacked me four weeks after our second son was born and I grabbed her wrists and told her she would not attack me again, then she punched and scratched my face at the ocean while I was holding my 3 year old and my one year old was screaming on the floor  I had to grab her hair and hold her away from me so she couldnÂt get at my faceÂShe has called me every name in the book, she says she does not respect me as a man, or a husbandÂshe keeps threatening to go to a lawyer, she says she doesnÂt love me at all. She wishes injury on meÂitÂs really badÂ

Yes, IÂve asked her to help me with my finances a long time ago, she says she doesnÂt have time to "babysit" my finances too. IÂve asked her three times to help me, even if she has to give me an allowance to help me, and three times IÂve been turned downÂ

IÂve suggested to her on numerous occasions to go see a marriage counselor, she says I have the problem, that itÂs not her, IÂm the reason we are like thisÂso she finally decided to go and went by herself for two sessions and didnÂt say a word to me, then said I need to go to the third session, and she pretty much bashed me, and then when it was my turn to talk she kept making noise and chiming in, it was really embarrassingÂ

Obviously there is much more to this "story", but I canÂt say everythingÂbut the bottom line is that everything she is angry with me has to do with money or the result of something money related  and now, all of the hate and anger that sheÂs taken out on me is starting to take itÂs toll on my and IÂm ready to take the next step. I JUST WANT TO KEEP MY BOYS, but I need help - I donÂt know where to turn, or who to talk to about a lawyerÂI need help finding someone that will let me know what my stance is as a man trying to fight the mother of his children for custodyÂ

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Your posting makes very distressing reading.

Your wife sure sounds angry with the financial situation. I can understand her shock and anger about that...but to sustain it for SO long, and at the other people's house, and whilst the children are there, whilst she was pregnant, well its really out of control.

I think you realize this, and understandably you don't want to be exposed to this very unhappy situation, any longer. You are probably really concerned about the affect your fued is having on your children.

You seem to be confused as well, not knowing where to turn or what to do next.

Its unacceptable for her to physically assault you.

I would suggest that you go back to a counsellor.
I would suggest that you find a lawyer, for an innitial chat, about your options.

You sound very distressed, and so does your wife. Is there anyone around you who can take the children for a morning whilst you both sit down and talk to each other?

I don't understand what you wife expects you to do ? Have you asked her ?

If things are desperate, I would suggest you look for a shelter and take the children. In Australia, where I live, they have "women's refuges" for women in abusive situations. I think they have the same thing for men.

Let us know how things are going.

I feel for you and you precious little ones.


    Bookmark   December 21, 2006 at 1:42AM
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This sounds so one-sided:

Husband, who registered in gardenweb the same day he posted this, is all in the right, wife's not only all in the wrong, she's violent & irrational.

husband made "mistakes", *knows* wife *knew*, yet when he woke her up in the middle of the night (!) to tell her, she went wacko & has been wacko ever since, going so far as physical violence & thus *forcing* husband to grab, pull hair, etc.

just as abused women everywhere are always forcing & provoking their abusers.

Although I would like to hear her side of the story, the first & last sentences of the original post may tell the whole thing anyway:

"I just found this site searching for information about a divorce"

"I need help finding someone that will let me know what my stance is as a man trying to fight the mother of his children for custody"

    Bookmark   December 25, 2006 at 4:26PM
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You're getting a divorce? You don't need this forum. You need a lawyer -- as does your wife -- as soon as possible. This will be serious legal stuff. Opinions of cyber-strangers may be interesting but I suspect little more.

From your post, I don't know whether to wish either of you well. I do wish the best for the children. Please give them first priority in your considerations.

    Bookmark   December 25, 2006 at 5:53PM
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If you've told lies on top of lies, on top of lies over a 6 year period, I would imagine your wife is beyond frustration, as you have clearly stated. All trust would definitely be lost over that period of time. You aren't responsible to her reactions, but if this is an ongoing issue, it's pretty much understandable even if it doesn't seem right.

As popi suggested, you need counseling, whether your wife goes or not, whether you're headed for divorce or not. Until your wife gets it all out of her system, I'm not sure joint counseling would benefit you because she has alot of frustration and anger directed at you to get off her chest and a therapist might have a hard time not agreeing with her, putting you in the hot seat on every visit. Regardless, I doubt your marriage could ever improve without some outside intervention, and you definitely should not be putting up with any abuse, and nor should she!

I could put another couples names in place of yours and your wife's and have the exact same story. His problem was gambling. In an 8 year period he admits to gambling away $20,000 so it's probably even more than that. But that couple has recovered, I guess, so there is hope for those in severe marital difficulty.

Think long and hard on whether it's the right thing to be seeking custody of your children. If you can't handle your own finances, how can you take care of your children?

    Bookmark   December 25, 2006 at 11:49PM
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maybe their mother could give him an allowance?

    Bookmark   December 26, 2006 at 11:11AM
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What I don't understand:

1. Do you have a job, if yes, why do you need money from your wife.

2. What are you doing to get yourself out of your financial situation.

3. Sounds like there is much more to the story....

4. I don't believe much of your story. I don't know many women who would chance hurting their children by going at the person whilst holding her child. No where in your post do you describe her going at you, only when you are holding the child??

5. Sounds like she's getting counselling. Perhaps you should do the same.

    Bookmark   December 26, 2006 at 5:48PM
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There does seem to be a lot missing from your story.

But in the event you DO want to try to repair your marriage, I'd suggest you start by trying to repair your financial credibility. (That will be necessary whether you stay married or not.) There are some excellent books available about managing your money -- even when you don't have any. If I were married to a man with 'holes in his pockets', and I saw him sincerely trying to change his ways -- and saw that it was working -- that would do a lot to sooth my rage.

    Bookmark   December 26, 2006 at 7:13PM
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