Just found out how much my opinion is worth...

freezetagDecember 22, 2007

There is a new health club in town, and dh got a temp membership for two weeks. He liked it, and wanted to join ($950 for three years), and was that OK? I said absolutely not! because he is gone all the time anyway, and it would just mean more time away, and more time working to pay for it. There is a small workout facility at the fire station where he works, and he can work out while on shift. Plus, he has access to another health club, where they give firefighters a free membership. But this new club has a pool, and he likes to swim. We discussed it several times, and I knew it was somthing he really wanted, but I was firm in saying that I didn't want him to.

So guess what? Today he left to go work out, and I said, "I thought your trial period was over" and he said "yes, it is". He joined anyway, and my feeling that he doesn't hear much I say, unless I agree with him, was confirmed.

Sigh... The GPS I bought him for Christmas is going back, because he has already purchased his gift himself. It is hard for me to hang in here, because I am so irritated that he doesn't listen. I am used to having my opinion heard (at work, with the kids, with my family) and expect him to as well. Glad to have a place to vent, though!

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With that much money, I don't think it's about listening to your opinion or not, but more about a couple making financial decisions together. Are you able to go out and spend $1000 on a frivolous item for yourself without his 'consent' knowing his opinion is against it. Granted if you can or do, then I wouldn't really be mad about what he wants to do with his spending money... but if you don't have that sort of money for yourself too, then I'd be quite mad.

And, do most health club places make you pay 3 years in advance like that? I'd be very, very skeptical of paying that much money in advance to a new company that may easily go under within a few months... What happens to his money if they go out of business? And what a waste if he injures himself or gets sick and can't use the club for long periods. A 3 year agreement just seems too long to me.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2007 at 4:07PM
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That's really my point, that I don't feel like an equal decision-maker. And we have joint accounts, so I suppose I could buy things he doesn't approve of - I just wouldn't. I hate conflict and can't think what would be important enough to me that I would buy it, knowing I am coming home to a fight.

But I understand how couples who are fighting spend themselves into trouble, cause I really feel like doing some retail therapy right about now! Granted, it would be immature and hypocritical, and I'd regret it, but don't think it didn't cross my mind!

    Bookmark   December 22, 2007 at 4:21PM
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Well, I didn't really mean to suggest "retail retaliation" :-) I just thought that if you were really loaded finanacially, had a lot of spending money, and were both known for spending these types of money on yourself, then it may not really mean that much.. But, if your not really loaded, I would be mad too.

I'd have a serious talk with him about finances.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2007 at 4:50PM
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is that Fitness USA? Because after you paid $900 or so you get lifelong free membership to any of their facilities anywhere in the country. You can also transfer it to anyone in the family if you don't want it. It is not that bad because I paid like $20 a mont intrest free and aftre I wasd done I have life long free membership. It is not bad at all. But if it is a different deal then I don't know.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2007 at 7:42PM
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sounds like the tip of an iceberg.

I once was married to a guy who liked new cars.

One night he called to tell me he'd be late, he was "talking to Ronnie", the guy who had sold him the last 3 brand-new cars he'd bought since I had bought my 2-year-old-when-I-bought-it vehicle.

I said, "Please put this phone down & walk out of there. Don't buy another car, I can't keep up my end of things financially (we had to live according to his standards but we split expenses, bad deal for the person who makes less money), & if your payments go up or the term of the loan increases (the idea being that I would get a new car when his was paid off), I don't know what I'm gonna do."

"Oh, I just came by to talk."

"Mike, if you come home in a new car, I'm leaving."

He came home in a new car.

& I didn't leave, not right then, didn't think I could afford to.

I left a couple of years later, still driving my now-maybe-6-year-old car, (by which time he had another new car), & he was *shocked!*, *shocked!* I tell you, when my attorney asked for half the money in the savings account.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   December 23, 2007 at 12:00PM
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To me, it sounds you are annoyed because he didn't do what you suggested. Perhaps you expect him to do what you say ?

"I am so irritated that he doesn't listen." Perhaps he did listen, he just did what he wanted to do anyway.

Nevertheless I can fully understand your predicament.

You feel disappointed that you are not working together as a team. You feel like you are not heard and he might feel like you nag him.

I guess you have to work on some communication skills, together. Read up on how you can do this. Its worth the effort.

All the best to you.

    Bookmark   December 23, 2007 at 7:50PM
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It sounds like your opinion was in fact heard. I believe he heard you and then, as an adult, made a decision about what he wanted to do. It seems that any discussion relative to his choice was shut down when you told him "absolutely not". I hate it when my husband asks me "can I do this, can I do that"...I would prefer to just discuss the pros and cons as adults and if it is obvious that his dream is super important to him, I will help him reach it. It sounded like he was opening a discussion and was shut down. The faux pas on his part was that he opted to accept the closed discussion and didn't let you know that even though he heard your opinion (no), it was important to him and he was going ahead with his plan.

I know it is frustrating when your partner finds something important that you don't agree with. I think that as adults we should be able to make choices relative to the money we earn. True that when you merge finances it is important to discuss. Keep discussions open by not saying "no". Making the decision together, means reaching yes or no together...not one person saying no. There will be the occasion that as an adult, you will find something important enough to you to fight for...or in this case, just do.

If this was coming out of your grocery money, or your childs eyeglass fund, I would say it is right to be upset. But he earns a decent wage I am sure and is an adult and came to you with his little scheme in a sweet heartfelt way. He did not just buy it without bringing it to you first. Just remember, partnership does not mean dictatorship...each party has to feel a certain amount of freedom...or marriage would really be financial prision masked as a loving union. Wether you spend $950 in one shot or $10 95 times...I am sure overall, it is equitable and if you really think about it, he might even deserve it.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2008 at 9:05PM
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I know where you're coming from. He'd already decided it and nothing you said, no reasoning would've changed it. $950 is a lot of money and really shouldn't be taken lightly. Yes, he did what he wanted to do and not what you wanted to. But... the problemis, there is no middle of the road on this. He can't get some smaller version of what he wants while giving you some ground.

Sometimes, he gets to do what he wants just because he wants to do it. Just like you'd expect to get to do. So you have to ask yourself, at the core, the very very core of this decision, what bothered you? He didn't do what you wanted? He spent more than you two could afford? He wasn't respectful? Whatever the "true" issue is, you need to talk to him. Unless you were just being selfish. I hate when that's the one it ends up being. It's so hard to tell myself, I really wanted him to do what I wanted, but it was more just that I wanted to have the final say. Bitter pill to swallow. If it isn't this, take up the real issue with him. Make sense?

    Bookmark   January 9, 2008 at 5:32PM
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Freezetag~ I feel your pain! I had almost the same exact thing happen to me. My DH likes "big boy toys" and found a Mini Rod that he just had to have. This thing cost $1000! He has done this w/ several things, found something, had to have it, got it, then in a month it was boring & he wanted something else. So, when he brought it up, I said that I didn't think it was a good idea b/c we had just bought Christmas presents, his work was slow & money was just tight in general. He continued to tell me how cool it was & that he really wanted it, etc. I kept saying (very calmly & nicely, mind you) that he really didn't need it & that it cost a lot of money that we really couldn't afford, etc. Well, he proceeded to get dressed (we were talking over coffee) and walk out the door to go purchase it. As he was leaving, I said again that I did not want him to buy this thing (I wasn't so nice this time) and his reply was, "I don't care." The door shut & he returned w/ this $1000 piece of junk.

I didn't get mad b/c he didn't do what I wanted. I got mad b/c he did the wrong thing. Plus, he did it the day before we got married... Lovely start to a marriage there! Plus, there have been very few times that I have said, "No, don't buy -----", I usually don't care b/c we've usually got the extra $. But, when it came time for him to stand up and be a responsible adult, he couldn't do it. We had a very big fight over this & I explained to him why this was so childish, irresponsible, disrespectful, etc... and now I'm over it. But guess what? The toy is old now, he hasn't looked @ it, touched it, or even mentioned it for about 3 weeks now. It still gets to me every time I see it or think about it, but I know it's in the past & I'm trying not to dwell on it... Your story just sounded so much like mine, I'm glad I'm not the only one... I suppose misery loves company... LOL.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2008 at 11:58PM
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