Lies and Realtionships

straycat_wanderingDecember 20, 2008

I just have never had any luck with having a "normal sexual relationship" I am not even sure I'd know one if I had one. People have all kinds of "hang ups": whether they have desires to "try" something the one doesn't approve of or looking at porn that causes a distortion in their expectations of what they expect in someone physically. Or the relationship is a struggle between one person wanting to have sex and the other person wanting someone to make love to them. It's all a hassle and I think a lot of times that is why when we share ourselves so intimately with another person we expect some degree of love and caring. Then you mix in the stuff they don't want to share with you like expectations and what they Really want and what they'd really rather have physically and...you have a lie.

Which like I said can maintain a few months-then the truths start spilling out.

Now that is why I think people have "open marriages." They know -it's going to happen-either mentally or physically or both-so may as well just save the lies and pain and do it with everyone knowing what's up. I've never had this type of relationship and don't plan to. The reason is I am just determined to not be so emotionally involved with someone that it matters. I plan to get and stay single and whatever will just be whatever not forever.

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silversword

Straycat, I'm not sure there is such a thing as "normal". But I think you're right, most people are lying. Whether it's because they are scared they won't get what they want or will be judged, or it's because they don't really know what they want.

I don't think it's necessarily different in open relationships, just that people think they won't get all they want from just one person. While I don't want to be in an open relationship I can see how it happens. Personally, I think if someone wants to be with more than one person, they should. But I don't think marriage should be in the equation.

If a person doesn't like/trust/know another person well enough to say "I'd like it if you'd ....." they probably aren't ready to be intimate with that person. Until a person is willing to do for another person what it takes to make them satisfied and comfortable they shouldn't get married.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2008 at 10:55PM
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straycat_wandering

I agree...but I see a lot of people who are married, and years later find out their spouse was a totally different person in the company of others compared to when they were together.
I wonder if a lot of us wouldn't be surprised if we could "hide and watch" -really kind of scary.
I lived in a small town for years while my children were small and everyone did know everyone and most were related. But even in a situation like that there are surprises...for instance I was shocked to read one of the ministers whom I thought I knew well (and his family)and looked up to was arrested while attending a conference in a nearby town for soliciting a prostitute. If that wasn't bad enough...it was the second time!
I guess we have to trust we know people but it sure is disappointing when we find out we don't.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2008 at 12:34AM
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sweeby

It takes a lot of courage to be totally honest with someone we love.
To reveal our true selves, flaws and all, and simply be the person we really are.
To resist the urge to whitewash, conceal flaws, and tell those little white lies.
To trust that the person we love will love us just the same, warts and all...
But it can be done, and the rewards are so worth it.

Try it. Ease into it a bit by gently stating your honest preferences, even when you know your partner will probably disagree. If he/she truly loves you, you will have gained something valuable; if they don't, what you risk losing isn't something you can't afford to do without.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2008 at 11:00AM
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silversword

"But it can be done, and the rewards are so worth it."

:)

    Bookmark   December 23, 2008 at 1:08PM
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straycat_wandering

It is worth it but...it's not something you can do by yourself. Look at some of the other post-they tell the story. I think that is why so many people are "suprised" when they find out their mate is having an affair, and that's not ever about what "you " did or didn't do-it's about that person's lack of self-esteem.
So just because you are trying your best doesn't mean it's going to work!

    Bookmark   January 11, 2009 at 12:09AM
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sweeby

Being yourself absolutely IS something you can do by yourself.
Now granted, your partner has to accept who you are --
and accepting who you are is no guarantee they won't have an affair.

It's just more of an assurance that there's honesty and respect at the core of the relationship,
which heads off a lot of dumb little reasons many people end up having affairs.

    Bookmark   January 11, 2009 at 1:27PM
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straycat_wandering

I agree we should "be ourselves," and feel confident about being ourselves. Affairs are never about whether or not a partner or spouse has excepted the other partner. They are about the cheating spouse having a self esteem problem.
It's not all that unusual for someone to find out years later that the person they thought they knew doesn't even exist. Any one who doesn't realize that the "honesty" and "respect" they feel they have in their relationship is a "hope" not a fact isn't being real.

    Bookmark   January 11, 2009 at 9:36PM
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