I am unhappy and my marrige is awful...what should i do?

angel7777777December 14, 2006

Hello everyone I have serious issues. I have three kids and a husband of 11 years. All 11 years i have fought to keep my marriage. My husband started out as a pot head, then alcoholic, and now pain pill addict. I am a christian and prayed that god would send me a good man. i thought he was it. i thought i could change him..boy was i wrong. He left me twice and has munipulated me for years into believing i can't find anybody else. he has never laid a hand on me or his real kids but he has run off my first born which wasn't his by abusing, calling him names, and physically and mentally destroying him. He has a very bad temper and curses the children and me out for no reason. i always believed that god wanted me to tough it out and be unhappy. He has a bad back and had a serious surgery which has led him to be hooked on oxycodone and now morphine. He runs out of his pills in no time and has to go through dts or get some from other sources. I know i deserve better adn someone better has come into my life. I never believed in cheating but this was an old high school friend he is perfect. He is sweet, good to me, and loves me and my children. He doesn't do drugs, drink, or lose his temper. He wants to be married one day but I don't know what to do about my current husband i don't want to hurt him in anyway but he has put me through so much i am miserable and he will never change...please give me some advice!!!!!!

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Well, if your high school friend is willing to have an affair or help break up a marriage (even if it's not a good one) then I am not so sure he is your perfect knight in shinning armor either. Don't trade in one vice for another. The biggest mistakes I see people do in jumping from one relationship into another bad one, is "only" looking for good points in people that their current partner lacks. The grass really isn't always greener and the fact that you think your old friend is "perfect" is very telling to your mindset. No one is perfect; you are only seeing the side of him you and he want you to see. I see him as a homewrecker! If he were a woman and the roles were reversed, would you see him as so perfect then?

With that said, you need to decide what to do with your marriage without another man in the picture. If it was meant to be, it can be so down the line, but getting involved with someone while you are married is NEVER a good answer.

I would seriously try to work on your marriage; if it fails and you need to leave that may be understandable, but do it for yourself and children and don't do it with the intention of running into another man's arms. You need to mourn the loss of your marriage before starting another serious relationship. So, if you leave your husband, take a break...for yourself and children. You will be able to judge your future relationships with a clearer head on your shoulders. You should be considering a divorce for many reasons, but not because you found another man.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2006 at 2:21PM
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"God" isn't going to solve this problem. And your old high school friend probably won't either.

Never mind your friend. First get yourself and your kids away from your druggy husband. Then worry about the rest. Pray all you want but act. Your children are in danger.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2006 at 3:34PM
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I think you answered your own questions with the name of your post. You know your unhappy and your marriage is awful...what else is there. Put a fork in it and call it done. After that and you get your life together then persue your friend and if it was meant to be it will be.
Don't put your kids through any more mess. You need to get it together if not for yourself do it for your kids.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2006 at 5:46PM
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Correct me if I am wrong but doesn't God help those who help themselves ?

It is hard for you to know what to do, you are probably confused, trying to do the best for many people. Perhaps talking to someone about your issues would add some clarity to the situation. It is easy for an objective person to iron out the issues for you, and place them in order of importance, and thereby help YOU come to a decison as to what is best for all concerned.

You do know one thing, a husband reliant on drugs is not the way you want your homelife to be. Can you talk to his doctor ?

You know it is not fair to be nasty, verbally to the children, they have a right to a happy childhood, what happens to them NOW will affect their whole lives.

I would question a person who is willing to meddle in someone else's marriage, is that the sort of person you want to spend time with. You say he likes your children, does he like them enough to live with them ? Ask yourself these questions.

You are vulnerable, anybody who shows you kindness and concern, will be a person you gravitate towards. Lets face it any man that shows you kindness, in your situation, would seem like a wonderful person.

Try and deal with the issues concerning your husband, I know this is hard, but if you don't try to create a better environment for you and your family, you will never know how good it can be.

All the best to you.


    Bookmark   December 14, 2006 at 6:15PM
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someone already said it: Act.

You're in a bad place.

That place will not change:
your husband likes it fine just the way it is, & he's the only one who has the power to change it.

It is a bad place.

Get yourself & your children into a good place:
As a human being, you deserve a decent life.
As a mother, your obligation is to protect your offspring.

If that means going to a women's shelter & training for a new job, just do it.

Other women have done it, you can too.

(I've learned to be skeptical of a man who's very eager, who wants a relationship to move very fast, who 'pursues'.)

Best luck, & take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2006 at 4:21PM
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Why in the world would you think that God would send a pothead as his choice for your husband and the father of your children? And I am sure you know his views on adultry. And yet you are involved with another man outside of your marriage, ignoring the vows you have made, and what you know is right and honorable. I believe they say that you are to get your own house in order.

And obviously you are dealing with big issues when your spouse has addiction issues, and anger issues. Can you pull in members of his family to help him? Chronic pain as your husband is suffering with is tough for him to deal with on a daily basis. He needs help managing the pain, and being able to deal with the pain, along with the stress of family life when he simply doesn't feel well. The anger can come from the misery of living with, and dealing with such pain, and the overuse of medication doesn't help. He needs help, and you need support from family. They need to understand that your family needs help. Can you quietly talk to him about what he is dealing with, the stress of the children, and the atmosphere in the home, and the long term effects it will have on the kids. How you can help him, and yet make the home a good environment for his children to grow up in? Do either of you have family members, or a church family who could help you both? Does he want this marriage to continue? Is he strong enough to battle this addiction and have victory over it? Can you talk to his doctor about the pain, and search the web, and find answers to what can be done to help your husband? Can you open up dialoge with his family on a regular basis to help him, and your family begin to heal?

You need to step back and think this through, not sneak into the arms of another man, while your family is in such turmoil.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2006 at 7:50AM
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I agree with bnicebkind. Generally, I may take your "awful" marriage a little more seriously if it wasn't prefixed with wanting to be with another man. Granted, you are going through a bad time of your marriage, but it's almost like you are trying to make excuses as to why you should be able to go be with your "perfect" other man.

I think the problem of your marriage/family is everyone having to deal with a person with a chronic medical problem. I'm not God, but I would bet this may be where the "in sickness and in health" part of your marriage vows kick in. Granted, you and your children can't live in a constant very abusive environment, but I think putting up with some cussing and temper/mood problems may be expected from almost any person dealing with a chronic illness. Your husband needs to get better medical help, and consult with someone about his addiction. This should be your main/only focus.

You need to stay away from your 'boyfriend' so that you can make a good decision about what needs to be done to either help save your marriage, or to leave, if that is necessary.

Simply walking away from your sick moody spouse to go be with a "better" man is just not right, IMHO. Other men always look better when someone is going through a rough spot in their marriage. And, unless/until you've had to deal with a chronic illness yourself, you really don't know how bad it can be. Compassion and understanding can often do wonders in situations like these.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2006 at 12:44PM
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Well I see i have some playa hate ers in the house...I never said i cheated with my old friend....i said i never believed in cheating but friend came along...and you all made it more about him than my abusive husband. I haven't cheated yet but if i do it is my business I know God wants me to be happy and my children...through thick and thin...does he want us to be abused and beat. I don't think so..and you can't change a man....that is a fact....

    Bookmark   December 17, 2006 at 1:55PM
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I think what the good folks here are trying to point out is that you have two separate issues to deal with here. One is your marriage -- deciding whether or not to try yet one more time to fix it and stick it out. And the other is your 'escape fantasy' other man. What they - we - are trying to say is that this 'other man fantasy' is clouding your vision about your marriage, and that the question you should be asking is NOT: "Should I leave my abusive addicted husband for my perfect boyfriend?" but rather "Should I leave my abusive addicted husband?"

To THAT question - "Should I leave my abusive addicted husband?" - I would answer "Probably, yes." He sounds abusive, controlling, and not at all good for you. If you believe his abusiveness is a result of his pain and addiction, if he is willing to admit he has a serious problem and commit to trying to fix it, and you think you have it in you to make one more real try -- then give your marriage that one last shot. But if he was abusive before the pain, if he denies he's addicted or refuses to attempt a change, or if you're just plain too sick and tired to try any more (it happens) -- then get your financial affairs in order, pack up your children and leave. It won't get any better unless someone does something -- and it isn't going to be him.

Once you've ended your marriage, build a life for yourself that is good and independent. Get yourself 'whole' first before committing to a new relationship, because believe me, they ALL have flaws. As long as you're not seeing them, you're a victem waiting to happen.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2006 at 7:49PM
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You made it about your "friend" not us. Why was "he" even part of the post if he's not relevant? And, hardly anyone believes in cheating, but still many do it. Cheating starts in the heart....look up what "Covet" means. Why is he even spending time with a married woman? If your husband was doing the same "non cheating" with a woman what would you think? I mean, physical sex aside, it sounds like you are considering maybe someday marrying this "perfect" guy...that must fall into some sort of cheating. Right?

I don't care if you even believe in God, but you brought up the Christian part, again, not us. And, your story seems to get worse depending on how defensive you get. At first, your husband never laid a hand on you or his real kids, now it appears you are "abused and beat". Which is it?

And by the way, none of God's Christian laws that I know of say anything about "THOU must be Happy"....you may "THINK" and "HOPE" God wants you to be happy because you want it, but it has never been one of his laws. Happiness is often found in the next life, not this one. Of course, no one wants you or your kids to be abused unmercibly, but you should be working on resolving your problems one way or another WITHOUT another man in your life.

I know you want to hear..."Your husband is so awful, so go be with the man of your dreams and live a wonderful happily ever after life that you deserve"....but that's probably not going to happen no matter how much you want it. I have friends that have done and thought the exact same way you did, and you may think I am trying to be mean and hurtful, but I really am trying to help you. Things just won't turn out all rosy like you think, no matter how much you hope or think you deserve it. Believe it or not, I really am trying to help you and your kids.

I could recommend some books about living with people with chronic pain, even abuse, etc... but it doesn't sound like you're interested in anything but approval to do what you want to do. Sorry, you don't like my advice. But sometimes the hardest things to hear are those that are true.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2006 at 8:23PM
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You sound very stressed, and that's not surprising.

You need peace and quiet, sit down with a pen and paper, and work out a priority list.

So what do you think would be your number one priority ?

Your health, your happiness and your children's happiness.

If this is number one....then what do YOU think YOU could do to make this so ? Are you happy now ?

Start thinking like this, its hard to know HOW TO deal with all the many problems you appear to have, but if you get each one down on paper, and look at it, and think about it...you might come up with the best way for YOU to deal with it.

I do think you should seek out a counsellor, to help you with this, though.

We do care about you and your problems, keep posting.


    Bookmark   December 18, 2006 at 1:58AM
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God wants you to be happy,not with someone who is abusive to himself and you and your kids.
My advice isnt as in depth as everyone else's. Here it is: You have wasted enough time being unhappy.Life is short! Dont prolong the pain any longer,exspecially if your husband isnt even good with the kids.
If you are such a christain then you would know that everyday alive is a blessing.Dont waste anymore time...you might not be here tomorrow.

    Bookmark   December 28, 2006 at 1:55AM
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