deb0615December 20, 2006

This is going to sound childish (i think) 5 years ago the love of my life for 25 years had an affair. He and I did everything together even begged me to play golf so we could play and go on trips. We had so much fun and we could be in a room full of peopla ans he would say we are the only two in the room. He tore up our home toseel and went to be with her, no stopping him. He married her in 2005. The problem is I am devasted and heartbroken. I can not get over this, my heart hurts and I miss him so much. I know it has been five years and he said if she had not come along we would be together now. Idon't know what to do. I could of gotten over him dying but not this, sounds terrible. Any suggestion please.


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It's a form of grieving....dealing with non-desired events over which we have (or seem to have) no control. I agree deaths are easier than divorces.

Thing is, life goes on. YOUR life goes on. The emotions should regress to their own appropriate place in your life in a "reasonable" period of time. If they don't, you may need some help for it. Counselors can be very good for this. However, it is a passage you must negotiate. You must not allow it to become an illness. Need to perk up and get going sooner or later. Preferably sooner. This is a choice you CAN make -- don't allow yourself to be delayed or stopped in your progress by anyone or anything.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2006 at 2:52PM
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I once knew someone like you, who simply could not get past a divorce and move on. For the first two years, others sympathized with her, and understood the grief she was struggling through. Many of us have been through a breakup and that was devastating, that shook us to our core. But for her, 7 years later, it is obvious that she needs to get serious help, because he has moved on with his life, and you need to do the same. To waste so many years of your short time on this earth is wrong. When I run into her now, and she is still grieving a divorce that occurred nearly a decade ago makes me think that she is beyond foolish. She is missing out on a life. She could have married a loving guy and had 3 children by now, building a family or an awesome career, and put together a great life. But instead wasting her gift of life, alone, shedding tears and perhaps driving away friends who cannot listen to it anymore. I am not trying to be unkind. I am trying to wake you up, and tell you that it is time to move on, and build a life for yourself. If you have not gone into therapy, you need to go, and work on why you are wasting your life, grieving someone who is long gone, and has built a new life. I am saying this with urgency and a heart that feels compassion as I say it. It is time to get past this. I wasted a year of my life doing what you are doing. When I finally was able to see him for who he really was, and not my fantasy of who he was, and move on with my life, I look back and cannot believe that I wasted a year of my life grieving over him! I cannot imagine looking back if I had wasted half a decade!!!!!!!!!!!

    Bookmark   December 20, 2006 at 4:21PM
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Grief takes as long as it takes to process -- and to a certain extent, you need to let it take its course. But the fact that you're reaching out now, admitting that five years later, you're still grieving, but wanting to move on --

That sounds like you do need to get some professional help to help you work through those final steps and get closure on this. There is still so much good stuff out there -- Don't let it pass you by because you're not ready to see it yet.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2006 at 7:31PM
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I agree with the previous posters. You feel you need some help, because you have posted here.

At least read books about greiving, if you don't seek the counselling. I think just having someone to listen to you, is well on the road to feeling better. Have you spoken to someone about how you are feeling ?

Good times ahead, waiting for you. Just reach out and take a grasp.

All the best to you.


    Bookmark   December 21, 2006 at 1:29AM
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Hi Broken,
I was in your shoes, we were not married, but was madly in love. I met him in College, I still remembered him, standing next to my dorm room, wearing white long sleeve shirt and black jeans, introducing himself, I remembered his smile, the feel of his soft hand aganist mine. We lasted for 5 yrs, had a blast, he told me he could not marry me because of cultural differenced. I thought then that no one could ever love and understand me like he did. It's been 8yrs since, I pursed a nursing Degree, now a Registered Nurse. It was hard to put myself out there, but I did, I met a man, we have a lot in common, we wanted the same things in life, we have crazy passion for each other. We got married 4yrs now, have one child and one on the way. I think about my old love at times, but he is fading in my memory with every passing day.

I know 25 yrs is a long time, I hope you are able to move on at some level, this will take time to heal, but try to move on somehow.

    Bookmark   December 26, 2006 at 10:59AM
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Perhaps if you did something symbolic, in your mind, that signifies the end of the relationship. Because, only then, will you truly be able to move on and close off that part of your life.

Perhaps you could sit down and write a letter to him, pour your heart our, write pages, put it all down on paper, how you are feeling, how good it was, what you will miss.

Then when you have done that, seal it up in an envelope, and take it outside and burn it. Watch it burn, and have a weep.

I know this sounds a bit crazy, but it might work, it might make you feel like you have a new lease of life. You might have a spring in your step, and a glowing smile on your face, and put your shoulders back and be proud of the lovely person that you are.

Take care

    Bookmark   December 27, 2006 at 2:09AM
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This is much more than the end of an affair.

They had 25 years together.

In a very real sense, it's the end of a marriage, of a lifetime together.

I understand what you said about being better able to handle a death than this.

Death can't be helped.
This was betrayal.

Just gauging by my own experiences & by what I've heard from friends, I think betrayal is one of the bitterest things in the world to have to "get over".

But, as things stand, you're giving free rent in your mind to the very person who treated you badly.

Even though he betrayed you, he still occupies a central place in your life, like the proverbial gorilla in the living room.

Evict him.

Blow your nose, wash your face, & *go do something*.
Occupy yourself with something *enjoyable*.

It doesn't have to be a cruise or a trip to Tibet to consult the Dalai Lama, it just has to be something that occupies your mind & makes you feel happy or content.

Odd as it may sound, this time can add pleasure & substance to your life:

Had I not been in a moaning, groaning, weepy, blue, howlin'-at-the-moon mood at one time, I never would have found many of the people & the activities that now enrich my life & that I really really love.

    Bookmark   December 27, 2006 at 1:25PM
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Thank you for your posts. I see a doc for antidepressants and anxiety meds. I developed attacks after all this. I think I do need to talk to some one. It just hasn't been the break up, that semm to proceed with a black cloud following me.
I had to give up my home I loved
Put my dog to sleep
had to go bankrupt because of him
my son was so upset he started doing drugs(his dad knew) I went thur all the rehab with him
my mother became ill was put in a nursing home for rehab (being a nurse I was the one who went and took care ofher while working full time)
my mother died on Christmas Eve 2004
had a total knee replacement from hell Sept 2005 still isn't right after another surgery, I have been on disability since then and need the whole thing done again and I may not be able to return to my nursing job.
My doc gave me the depression and anxiety test and I scored big time. My life is just falling apart. I can not walk normal and have always been very active now just a trip to the store is a major issue.
All this plus what Tom did making me very tired. I use to be a spritiual person my beliefs are swaying. It just seems that since the break up I can't get a break. I try very hard not to feeel sorry for myself but some days it is hard, every time I turn around it seems something else is happening. I am in pain alot, I am stressed all the time and some days I want to give up.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2006 at 10:46AM
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Oh Deb

I can read the sadness in your post. You do have a lot on your plate, and lots of challenges in your life.

You say that you need to talk to someone, then get on and do that. I am sure it will make you feel better. Someone to hear you, and not be judgemental.

Will you go and do that ? Perhaps a referral from your doctor.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2006 at 2:45AM
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There are also life coaches who can help us rebuild ourselves. If I were in your shoes, I would start with therapy, and if necessary, than medication in addition to the therapy. And I would talk to a life coach about helping me rebuild my life...starting with a new profession where I did not have to be on my feet (due to the surgery you have had) and it would be something I could really be excited about. That I could pour myself into. Also, you have been a caretaker. A mother, of a son who was in trouble, and a daughter who needed to help her mother through illness. I imagine that the depression, and the pain are isolating you...leaving you too much time alone at home. Make 2007 a year of rebuilding your life to make it one you feel good about. If you love the medical field, could you get a job in research, or at the front desk scheduling or billing, so that you are off your feet, but feeling productive. Or would you rather do something completely new? Are you creative? Could you exchange tasks with others? For example, could you do peoples scrap books/photo albums while off your feet, in exchange for someone else, in exchange for them doing your grocery shopping and errands, or house keeping? Many people love to run errands, just to get out of the house and have someplace to go...and if they can help you out, perhaps you can do something they hate doing like doing something with those boxes and boxes of photos that they have ignored for years! Could you join a knitting circle, bridge club, quilts or something, just to be around others talking and creating something beautiful, and building friendships in the process? Could you take an art class and learn to paint or sculpt (you can sit while doing it) and find things that you can look forward to?

Find some friends who can make you laugh, watch movies that make you smile, and find the person you know is still you, before life got so hard. And talk to someone who can help you find peace, and laugh again. Who can help you look forward to tomorrow again!

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 11:13AM
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Thank you all. bnicebkind your words really hit me. Starting a new job would be exciting. I have to get this knee fixed first, but that is a good thought. I have always been a care giver. Funny that you said that 2007 should be a awaking year because that was what I planned. It is just hard to know where to start. I guess one day and one thing at a time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY11111111111111111

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 11:31AM
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Deb, it seems to me much suffering comes from the attachement, which, in turn, comes from likes and dislikes, which, in turn, are determined by your habits. So, discrimination and your habits will always make you suffer (cause of impermanence).

May be a WHO definition of health will help you: "Health is the ability to adapt". I view self-pity as a self-defeating and misguided adaptation mechanism. Get off it, and stay off it. Sorry if it sounds hursh, but I wish you well.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 2:37PM
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dang, handyal, with friends like you...

has anyone read his response on the "husband caught cheating Christmas eve"?

handyal's on a roll!

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 5:04PM
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WOW Deb, you have perked up, good on you. I hope 2007 is a year of awakening for you. With your current attitude, there is no stopping you !

In fact we could all do with an awakening year !

Thanks Bnicebekind for your words of inspiration.

All the best to you Deb.

Build on your talents.


    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 7:08PM
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If it were me, I would begin tomorrow finding and calling the name of a "good" psychologist, and making an appointment. And I would begin immediately. Together we would decide about medication as I worked with this person to feel whole again. I would also sit down and write a list of some of the jobs I would be interested in when I was ready to go back to work. And I would begin creating a new vision for my life. I would also write down things I liked to do (hobbies) and I would call around and see if I could sit in on a class or two (if you are shy, perhaps a friend might go with you the first time or two). Then I would make a list of things that I needed help grocery shopping, and I would call some friends or family and offer to do something that would help them, in exchange for them picking up some groceries etc. for you. Perhaps you could set this up with several friends, each finding what the other needs and seeing how you could help each other out. Could be a win/win for all of you! If someone is working and cooking is a problem, perhaps one could cook, and another runs errands. Perhaps one does groceries, and you could do scrap books or something you love to do.

Anyway...I am just tossing ideas into the ring to consider. But each change will hopefully get you closer to what you need. Friends, laughter, and healing as you find your way towards rebuilding your life in a way that it becomes something you cherish and look forward to. And draw friends around you that make you laugh again!

I read an article about a woman who called other women who had put ads in the personals to find a man. She figured they needed her friendship as much as she needed theirs. And she put together this group of women who were lonely, and ended up with a great group of friends who did alot together. She said the calls were so awkward at first, and then they timidly got together, and soon they had a good sized group to hang out with and became tight friends! I thought she was brilliant, and brave when I read the story.

So think about what you would like your life to look like, and start building one day at a time. Keep in touch and let us know how you are doing.

Read books, listen to music that makes your heart soar and makes your spirit smile! Dig out movies that make you laugh! Do you have a pet? Do you like pets? They can make you smile too...and make going home more fun, if you do not mind cleaning up after one. Consider slowly what you love, and what would make life fun again. I wish you happier days ahead! Find a life coach or find books or audio tapes on the subject and make this year really something to get excited about!

    Bookmark   January 1, 2007 at 10:10PM
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If you have a medical background there are lots of companies that do research, develop software, etc that require employees with clinical experience. One that I know of is Cerner, which I linked to.

Definitly see a might take seeing a few before you find the right one. I take antidepressents and the combo of it and a therapist works better than just one or the other, IMO.

Best wishes.

Here is a link that might be useful: Cerner

    Bookmark   January 4, 2007 at 11:58PM
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It sounds to me like maybe your meds for depression need to be adjusted. I'd talk to your doctor about it. And, I'm sure talking to someone and trying a new job may work wonders.

Did you ever consider the fact that a guy who doesn't want you, isn't worth you wanting or crying over? Really, if he's not smart enough to know how great you are then maybe he's not all that. You deserve someone who totally loves you, and wouldn't leave you. Sorry, but married men who cheat just aren't my idea of perfect men. Good riddance. You deserve much better!

    Bookmark   January 5, 2007 at 1:32PM
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I was going to write something like what Carla did. Instead of dwelling on how happy you were for over 20 years and how great he was, take a good look at what he has shown himself to be. Unfaithful and a cheater. Maybe also a liar, if he was covering up an affair? Untrustworthy. If you were to meet a seemingly pleasant new man now and you realized he was like that, you would drop him like a hot potato, wouldn't you? I am not recommending that you get angry and hold on to the anger in place of feeling sad, but taking a good look at the kind of person you now know you have lost might help the healing process.

You do deserve much, much better. When you have been married for years and years, your whole personality and life come to seem dependent on your spouse, but in actuality, you very likely have the strength and wisdom within you to start a new life and be happy in it. I hope you will find peace and happiness this year.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2007 at 11:43PM
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You poor thing! You've been thru so much - remember please that God loves you and you WILL be ok. If you can find it in your heart to remember that there is a loving God who KNOWS you and KNOWS your pain and who has a PLAN for your life, you will realize that you need to keep on keepin on my dear!

    Bookmark   February 16, 2007 at 11:44PM
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You forgot Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny....they do all that knowing/caring stuff, too. Oh yeah...plans, too....absolutely.

    Bookmark   February 17, 2007 at 10:11AM
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