Help me !!!..I've had an affair and now don't know what to do

abs1973December 7, 2012

I've been in a marriage for 19 years ..we've had
Problems from day 1..Ive never found my husband
Attractive and 6 months ago got involved with another man
..he now wants me to leave my husband for him.
My husband is a good honest man and doesn't deserve this .
I have two daughters 17 &8..I asked my husband for
A divorce a few weeks ago which hasn't gone down
Too well with the family husband has been working away in
Another country for 3 years but we meet every 6-9 weeks .due to financial difficulties I can't move to the country he's placed in. To be with him.
The man that I'm involved with has had 3 failed marriages and done time for drug dealing ..he lost his fianc´┐Ż 7 years ago to cancer ..since he's found me he's been given a new lease of life ..I know he loves me and I love him too but I don't know whether to give everything up and leave my husband to be with my new daughters could well turn against me ..I hate myself for getting involved and I Really would appreciate any help
Thank you

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"The man that I'm involved with has had 3 failed marriages and done time for drug dealing"

Well at least it sounds like you are getting what you deserve.

"...since he's found me he's been given a new lease of life"

Sure sweetie, he'll be a regular Mother Theresa now that he has you in his life. Reading too many romance novels are we?

Sorry if I am coming off harsh, and I realize I don't speak for everyone here, their opinion might be a little more forgiving than mine. But as someone who's been put through the same hell by my piece of sh*t ex-wife that you are putting your husband though, I feel extremely entitled to offer my opinion, since you asked for opinions.

I too was a "good honest man" (still!) who did not deserve it. I was always completely faithful to her. I worked my butt off getting a software business off the ground so my ex could be a stay-at-home for our two kids, which is what we both wanted from the start. And instead of being appreciated for working long days and weekends, then coming home and being a good dad and working on the house and all that, she eventually winds up resenting me for not being around enough and winds up having an affair with someone...which I didn't find out about for 9 months.

When I found out, I said I understood (to a point) why she did this and wanted to fix our issues, and resolved to change some things make our marriage better. She said she wanted this too....but her heart was never really in it. Three years later she did it again....this time I told her I was done and we are now amicably divorced (on the surface anyway) and sharing custody or our two kids 50/50.

I say "on the surface" because when I think of what she did to me, not only the affairs, but to string me along for years...knowing she wanted out but not having the courage to act like an adult end our marriage the right way before shopping for her next man, my blood freaking boils. I can't explain it, but I feel like I lived years of my life now in some giant lie...I was happy and thought things were pretty good. Good people DO NOT treat people like this. She completely disregarded me as a person, and did what was best for her, with NO regards for my feelings. I didn't matter at pain was just "collateral damage" to her in getting what she wanted.

To this day (5 yrs later), while I deal with her respectfully on a daily basis regarding the kids, deep down I wish nothing but bad things for her. The scars of being treated like this, by someone that you loved and treated with nothing but respect for 10+ years, do not heal easily. I suspect they never will. I (half) jokingly tell my friends that I just hope she dies before me so that I can take a big sh*t on her grave, as my final revenge.

Well, now you know how your "good honest man" of a husband will feel about you when he finds out. And I hope your daughters do turn on f*cking deserve it.

There, you asked for opinions.....oh, and good luck with your new man, he sounds like quite a catch!

This post was edited by mkroopy on Fri, Dec 7, 12 at 13:14

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 1:04PM
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"The man that I'm involved with has had 3 failed marriages and done time for drug dealing" - sounds like a real winner.
"since he's found me he's been given a new lease of life ..I know he loves me" - I'm sure the other three women he was married to thought the same thing.
"Ive never found my husband attractive" - so why the he// did you marry him then???
If you think this is going to end well you are kidding yourself. But at least it will end better if you ditch the "new man".

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 1:21PM
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As per your subject line....yes you do.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 1:36PM
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You act as if there are only two choices - divorce and be with this (awful) man or stick with someone who's good and hard-working but whom you don't have the least bit of interest in.

First, whatever you do, do NOT inflict this loser on your 8-year-old daughter. The damage someone with his past can do to a vulnerable child is uncalculable, not to mention the likelihood he has a really "stellar" circle of friends from his drug-dealing and prison days that she could be exposed to.

Personally I do hope you divorce because I think your husband deserves better. He's already lost 19 years married to a person incapable of loving him fully.

But divorce for yourself and don't jump into a relationship with a totally unsuitable partner. Focus on figuring out why you would hook up with such a miserable specimen of manhood. Get counseling, build an independent life and focus on being a good mother because your daughter needs and deserves that.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 8:19PM
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1) Please tell your husband everything and say you'd like a divorce. 2) Give him custody of the children and you have visitation rights. You pay him child support -- get your convict boyfriend to help you do that. 3) Fall on your knees and beg your husband to forgive you for depriving him of happiness and contentment for the 19 years you've been pretending. 4) Go to a psychologist if you can to learn about yourself. Plead with your convict boyfriend to help you pay for it.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2013 at 12:47PM
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My opinion is not forgiving at all. I'm not even going to waste my time giving advice.

    Bookmark   January 9, 2013 at 6:30PM
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You are heading down the "wrong" path!!! This has disaster written all over it!!!

    Bookmark   January 20, 2013 at 11:56AM
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You are not happy with your husband. He is not attractive to you. So get out.

As for the affair? "why"? No...WHY? Not hot enough in the pan - you are gonna jump right into the fire?

Get rid of both of them and "live your life". Find out what you love - how you feel - what you "can" do "On Your Own". Get your head screwed on right first. Please!

As for the family and what their feelings are in the divorce? What business is it of theirs? Unless they pay your bills, you live in a country where you might be guilty of putting "shame" on the family, it is "not" their concern in any way shape or form. Sounds like you are way over the age of 21, too. So, get out and get on with your own life. Pay your own bills, Work. Find what you like to do before getting messed up in another sick relationship.

You don't love your husband but feel an obligation to him. Why?

The man you are messed up with now has three failed marriages. Oh well. That is "his" problem. Get away fast.

Why would any one bother with a loser like that? He wants you to leave your husband? So you can now live in Hell with a loser? Great. What did you do to deserve that?

Get a life. Really. Work. Volunteer. Work with sick children. Abused animals. "Something". Get into a "Spiritual" place quick. Pray. Do something! "You do not need a needy man to complete your life". "It will just cause more misery". Until you are ready for a grown up relationship based on love, trust and equality-do not stay with these two! Date a couple - tied down to NONE.

Men are great to have around. But you "do not need them". Get to know "yourself" first. Read. Write. Work. Pray. Raise chickens for the poor - do "something" that makes you love an accept yourself before running into another bad relationship.

Start your own business!! Get involved in something. Me? I am divorcing after 28 years of being totally emotionally abused and controlled. I can't wait to get out. I am moving as far away from this overgrown momma's boy as I can. Getting into the Medical field. And getting my health back. Can't even imagine getting messed up with another man for awhile. Especially one that has an abysmal track record like the one you speak of. *getavibratorifyoumust - but "not him"! Get the Sex and the City dvd's - and watch each of them. :)

You don't love your husband and you don't find him attractive - the least you can do is be honest with him. But staying in hell will only make you into one of those bar floozies. Getting drunk and sleeping with God knows what because she is so messed up and lonely.

Good luck to you. Don't beat yourself up for the affair - what good comes of that? Decide what and who you want for your life. But really, how can you know who you want when you haven't had the chance to be you?

Take care.

Edited due to capitalized words used for "emphasis"

This post was edited by worriedone on Tue, Jan 29, 13 at 12:43

    Bookmark   January 20, 2013 at 9:28PM
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Affairs are wrong. Period. They are the worst possible form of betrayal.

Before you do anything I suggest you learn the meaning of the word commitment.

Here is a link that might be useful: What is Commitment?

    Bookmark   February 10, 2013 at 4:55PM
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