Husband flirting on facebook - Help Please - sorry it's so long

gifgurlDecember 17, 2008

My husband and I have been married for nearly 15 years, but the last year, since he discovered the networking site Facebook, has been horrible. He has made friends with lots of women and spends every evening chatting with them for hours. He has become secretive, and I know that he has been lying to me. I once used the pc after him, and while doing so, pressed the 'paste' button, only to find a message that my husband had typed to one on his 'friends', which said about how happy she made him, how gorgeous she was, sending her hugs and kisses, etc,

I will admit this freaked me out, and although I know it is wrong, I now check his email and look at his facebook page to see what these women are saying to him and sending him. I feel really bad for doing it, but I feel I would rather find something myself than be the gullable idiot that sits here totally unawares while he is planning to run off with his girlfriend.

We have had arguments about this, but he says these women are only friends and he has a right to be friends with who he wants - which is true. He says he is doing nothing wrong, but I know he is lying to me about some things. He always turns the argument back on me, so that I am at fault for wanting him to not have friends, spying on him, nagging him, etc. I don't mind him having friends, I just don't want him flirting with them, sending them kisses and completely ignoring me for hours on end. He lies to them about us also, he says we never have sex (we do, but not as often since we started arguing), and that I don't enjoy any of the things he likes doing, like camping (I do), and re-enactment (no, but surely we don't have to do everything together?), he says I nag him constantly and makes he out to be a complete tyrant, but I don't nag and I do everything I can to make him happy, I always have.

Now I've found that one of the women works in a local shop and he makes excuses to go to the shop as much as possible to see her. And another has changed her status from 'single' to 'in a relationship' this morning after he was chatting to her all last night.

If you had asked me a year ago, I would have said he was completely trustworthy and would never cheat, but now I spend all my time thinking, will today be the day he says he's leaving me? I spend hours crying and feel so lonely and desparate. Even though I've tried to tell him how I feel, he doesn't seem to care how much this is hurting me and how betrayed I feel. The last time we argued about it he said I was going to push him away if I kept bringing it up and he didn't want to discuss it again. He says he loves me and wants to be with me, but I'm so confused I don't know what I can believe any more.

Am I just being totally stupid and paranoid? How can I make him see how much this is hurting me? And how can I do it without ruining my marriage? Or do I just have to put up with it if I want to keep him. I love him so much. I just wish he loved me as much as I love him.

Please help me.

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The feelings and the insecurity you are experiencing would be the normal, healthy response to the behavior of your husband. Period. I imagine that it will take a marriage counselor to reach your husband at this point. His behavior is totally inappropriate for a married man to participate in. But I imagine that you are unable to reach him at this point, and any efforts on your part will be pushed aside, and disregarded. It will take a third party marriage counselor to reach your husband, and get him to grasp the damage he has already done to your marriage and trust.

If he will not go with you to marriage counseling, consider going alone. The counselor will help you find perspective and peace in the midst of all the emotions you are experiencing.

Part of the roller coaster ride you are experiencing emotionally, is because his words and actions do not line up. He says he loves you, but what he is doing is not the behavior of a loving husband. He is building up the egos of other women (and himself), at your expense. Does that sound loving to you???

    Bookmark   December 17, 2008 at 10:00AM
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i am also on facebook ,it is very addictive,i go on it all the time even thow its rubbish,i also do silly stuff on there sending hugs and kisses and sexual stuff that i wouldnt dream of doin in real life,but yr fella does sound dodgy so your right to be worrid,

    Bookmark   December 17, 2008 at 5:27PM
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Why does this always happen?
#1 They do something clearly out of bounds, something THEY would not dream of tolerating from us.

And then #2-accuse US of being crazy, stupid, controlling, etc, etc.

Isn't #1 bad enough without #2? Do they learn this in some secret class we don't go to?

    Bookmark   December 17, 2008 at 5:42PM
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I think these social networking sites are the death for alot of relationships and marriages.
They take people,who may not have cheated otherwise,and expose them to everyone who is available out there.Some people practically throw themselves at you too!

Some people are going to argue,it is not the sites it is the person.I disagree.In real life we do not have the opprotunity to chat for endless hours outside of work with a total AVAILABLE stranger.
These sites make it too easy for people to get to know each other intimately and quickly.
They are temptation incarnate!(and I'm not religous at all,I just think that phrase fits here)

What I find MOST disturbing,is the total lack of respect people have that someone else is married.

I almost got lead into ending my marriage because of my space.(see other thread I lost 65 pounds and I'm sexy)
My page had pictures of my husband and I,our family,said I was HAPPILY MARRIED.That DID NOT stop man after man from trying to pursue something!!!
And I know it's not just men who do it,but women too.My DH had his Ex sending him stuff on there and wanting to get together to "rekindle" the past.
DH and I both agreed to cancel our my space's.(my space and facebook are similar)
I think it is fine for single people.But it is mostly JUST A MEAT MARKET,and married people put themselves at risk by being a part of it.

Now your DH has met a woman at a store he otherwise may have never met...
And you have every right on God's green earth to not want him talking to her!
Especially if he's discussing the intimate details of your marriage with her!

What he is doing is called emotional cheating.It may in fact lead to the real thing.
I would demand he cancel his account,or tell him it is over.
If he puts this stupid site before you,then he must not care too much about your marriage.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2008 at 8:33PM
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Gifgirl--its a shame--but you have a major problem and you are going to have to make some decisions. Your husband doesn't want to upset his life. He has a house, you probably cook, clean, etc. maybe there are kids? This involvement with facebook & flirting is something extra in his life.
When they get involved with somebody else or in this case, several somebodies it is rotten for you. Because in your case this detracts from your happy life and relationship. So you are ending up with less in your life.
Let me give you some ideas: lose 10 pounds, buy some new clothes and right after dinner (and without doing the dishes) just tell him you are going out to meet some friends. Usually when they are deep in the computer it takes a few minutes for the brain cells to register and you will be out by then.
you can go to church, shopping or to the local pub.
when you return you can see what his reaction is--if he has barely noticed --you have a major problem.
If he is upset you have something to work with. I think he is simply bored. If he is busy worrying about you --facebook isn't nearly so interesting.
You need to leave the house each day either for a walk around (you can do it before or after work) or you can go somewhere and give no details. Let him worry about you for a change. He may throw a fit--don't let it stop you.
Its no surprise to me that the nicest women end up with husbands who do nutty stuff like this. The women I know who throw fits, are flirty with other guys, seem to get more attention from their husbands and less grief.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2008 at 8:48PM
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"The women I know who throw fits, are flirty with other guys, seem to get more attention from their husbands and less grief."
This is so true Marge! God help me I was watching doctor PHIL,and they were telling what sayings about men were fact or fiction.One was,MEN ALWAYS WANT WHAT THEY CANT HAVE,and it was said to be true! I was floored by that fact,but it makes perfect sense.
I think your idea for OP about getting dolled up and going out is a awesome one!

    Bookmark   December 18, 2008 at 1:43AM
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Thank you all so much for replying to me. I was kind of hoping you would say I was being stupid and to just ignore it, but you didn't, and now I'm crying again because I'm so scared.

How do I find a marriage counselor? Would my GP be able to help there?

Do you think I should go out and leave this page open on the pc for him to read? I'm just thinking out loud here. I really don't want to be alone for Christmas.

We don't have kids, I can't have any, which has been a problem for us in the past, but I thought we were through it. I know he has told his 'friends' about it, and some have suggested he leave me so he could have a family with someone else. Is he just keeping me around until he finds the right person to do that with?


"What I find MOST disturbing,is the total lack of respect people have that someone else is married. "

Me too, these women don't seem to care that he is married (it says so on his profile), and are obviously happy to chat him up.

I think he would be pleased if I went out. He could chat with whoever without worrying that I'm in the room and might glance over and see what he's typing.

Going back a few months, I did have a note put through the door, from an ex-boyfriend. He said he'd driven past me at the shops, that I looked beautiful, he still thought of me after all these years, gave me his number. Obviously I showed my hubby the note, because I don't believe in keeping secrets in a marriage (should I be laughing here?!), and hubby totally freaked out and wanted to punch ex, then said I could phone him if I wanted but was bolshy about it. I tore up the note and binned it. Hubby fished it out of the bin and put it in a drawer. Explain that one to me please!

I actually feel better for being able to share this with someone, I have no friends I can discuss it with, and don't want family to know, so thank you all again for helping me.


    Bookmark   December 18, 2008 at 6:47AM
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"Hubby fished it out of the bin and put it in a drawer. Explain that one to me please!"

I dont know,that's werid.Maybe saving it as evidence for something? Maybe he plans to call the guy? Or maybe he's using it to justify his own behavior with whom he's met on Facebook?
Alot of churches offer marriage counseling.Or you could find one through your health insurance maybe? Most pyschologists offer marriage counseling services.

I'am so terribly sorry for you.What a time for this right before Christmas.15 years is a long time and alot to throw away.
Think it is his mid-life crisis???

    Bookmark   December 18, 2008 at 11:08AM
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tracystoke: I remember from your earlier posts that you are married. And yet you participate in the sexual banter rampant on the sites you mention. Why? Is the fleeting amusement that feeds your ego, and that of the guy on the other end (who also indulges in the "games") worth the heartache it brings? There are real people on the other end whose real marriages and families are collapsing from these "games" that breed mistrust. To build up the ego of someone else, it is usually at the expense of a real life partner. If those who indulge in these "games" could only see the pain they are creating in the life of someone else, would they stop? If they could see the pain they are contributing to, in the eyes of children, as their families collapse from the hurt and mistrust, would they still think their "games" are innocent "fun"?
Have you ever read anything written or talked about by people who have technically died? And then these people were revived, or brought back to life. They speak about having entered a light tunnel, and their entire life is played back to them. The good, the bad, and the horrible. What if one could see how their behavior affected people in ways they never intended? That what they believed to be fun games, created tremendous grief for someone else? Or destroyed marriages and changed a child's family forever? For what? To indulge an ego, or the ego of someone on-line you actually could care less about? There is a Christmas movie that I can't remember the name of, but the movie tells the story about a man who did not think he mattered. His life was played back, and he was able to see how his life affected other people. He was shocked at how he impacted those around him, without really even realizing it. And if you think about it, think about those whose life touches yours. Perhaps you have feelings towards someone and they are not even aware of it. And by feelings, it could mean that you hold resentment, or envy, or anger towards them, and they are not even aware that what they are doing would affect anyone at all. Possibly because we are all so good at "justifying" what we do, in our own minds, even though it may be wrong. Or we have no idea that someone has a grudge towards us, until they seem to sort of avoid us, or leave us out, or make a comment under their breath.

The point is to remind people who play this "game" (of flirting/sexual banter/etc). of their role in hurting another human being. The women on the other end (I imagine) would probably be shocked to discover that their "games" created such pain. That their playful words could be partially responsible for the destruction of someone's marriage.

When you look back over your life, do you really want that on your life history?

    Bookmark   December 18, 2008 at 11:38AM
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"he says these women are only friends and he has a right to be friends with who he wants - which is true"

Really, that is true???? Why??? Because you think you're being cool if you allow your husband to have female friends and carry on with them. People define friendship in different ways. IMHO, your husband doesn't have a right to be friends with whoever he wants to. If he wanted to be friends with his old girlfriend and go to her house to console her when her boyfriend broke up with her; would that be ok?

Re-evaluate what you think is ok to do in marriage. Your husband is cheating on you... be it emotionally or physically or both. And, he's visiting them in real life?!!? No female friend should take that much time away from you or cause problems in your marriage. You're not over reacting; you're being a fool by allowing any of this stuff.

I'd set a rule-- - no friends of the opposite sex -- Female work acquaintances, fine, but not girls you talk to every night and sends hugs and kisses too -- that's not good for any marriage. The rule I would go by is that any email or correspondence sent to the opposite sex 'friend or acquantance', should be copied to you. I could/would gladly copy my husband on emails I send to my male friends. If your husband can't or won't copy you or let you read his entire facebook, then it's not appropriate. I'd personally leave him if he kept it up.

Good luck; the saddest thing is YOU don't realize how wrong what he is doing is -- don't let him manipulate you into thinking what he is doing is even remotely ok. It's not...

    Bookmark   December 18, 2008 at 12:02PM
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bnicebkind,ive not read all of what u put,but i think you will find i have never once said i was married because i have never been married,partner i said,and i also said once i had my baby i was leaving the horrid man,which i did and am now happily single,so get yr facts right,

    Bookmark   December 18, 2008 at 12:16PM
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tracystoke- I remembered there was a man you wanted to leave...I did not realize he was not your husband. My apology. And I wrote my post to you, not meant to really focus on you, per se, because there are so many, many people doing the same thing (the on line sexual banter to people unknown) and since you mentioned you participate in the on line banter, I wrote it to you, but in my mind I was writing to everyone who plays that game, believing it is all just innocent fun.

I do not mean to offend you, or anyone, because I believe most really believe it is just in fun, never really meaning to hurt another human being.

But I imagine that there are many, many people like the OP (gifgurl above) who are about to lose a long term marriage or family because of the games played.

I hope you will go back and read my whole post.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2008 at 12:59PM
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Thank you all again for your replies. We had another big row last night. He knew as soon as he came in from work that something was wrong and it ended up all spilling out. Again, he made me feel I am in the wrong for spying on him (although I denied reading his email), he says he speaks to his male friends as well as his female friends, but I only seem to freak when I know the person he's speaking to is female. He says he helps people by talking to them. He helped one women save her marriage by giving her advice (!!!), helped another whose father had hung himself, (his uncle did this also). He says if he didn't love me and want to be with me, he would just go, but he's still here, and he does a crappy job that he doesn't like so that I don't have to work, does everything he can to make me happy, and won't give up his friends who need him. He said "I can't have kids and leave my genes when I die, so I'm going to help as many people as I can and leave my mark that way!"

He said I was paranoid and should speak to my GP about going back on antidepressants, (I was on prozac for 12 months, mainly due to my 24yo brother dying from cystic fibrosis in March'07, and I had some health problems and was in constant pain and became suicidal). I will see my GP after Christmas for a chat.

I hear what you are all saying, I really do, and I know I have a lot to think about. I really don't want to lose him. I love him so much. I'm thinking I am just going to have to put up with this if I want us to stay together, and hope that he gets bored. I have lost 12lbs in weight this week, but I needed to. I think I'll do as suggested by Marge, lose some more weight, get my hair done, go out with friends, let him see what he's missing, and hope I can pull him away from the pc.

Please don't think I am disregarding your advice. Perhaps I am a fool to put up with it, but I think about the 15 years together, I love him, he says he loves me, and I'm not ready to throw that away just yet, so I'm going to work hard to save it.

Please wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.


    Bookmark   December 19, 2008 at 8:15AM
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We have had arguments about this, but he says these women are only friends and he has a right to be friends with who he wants - which is true. He says he is doing nothing wrong --- same words from my husband

My problem was somehow similar with facebook. My husband was not gone far as I discovered it quite quickly as I could quess his password on facebook and knew his email password. He also said that female contacts are just friends nothing serious about it. He put his whole profile with liking, cars he own/drives in Asia/Europe. His contacts were female of his age. To one of his contact he has send his mobile number by an email.

They say that they want to stay with you but they start thinking that they might have to look for another in future.

I think your husband is not able to share his sex desire with you somehow. Mine had same problem but is opening now as I have seen his facebook and other sex site profiles.

Buy some new lingerie and try to have good time with him.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2008 at 9:27AM
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I recently heard a pastor on the radio speak about men (or women) doing this sort of thing, with the excuse that they were "helping" another woman (or man) by talking to them about their "problems".

His response to those doing this sort of thing was to stop it now. They thought they were being such a wonderful supportive "friend" and really enjoyed helping this woman, or that man with their problems.

He said that they had no business doing what they were doing, because they were married - and they were to tell the other woman (or man) to seek help from a minister or priest, or another friend or relative.

That married men or women have absolutely no business getting emotionally involved, under the pretense that this person needs their help.

Many men fall for this because they love the ego gratification it brings, and feeling like the hero, or knight in shining armor. A radio psychologist wrote a book about it called helping the damsel in distress. This is an ego trip.

On the other hand, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get healthy physically, emotionally, spiritually, and get a fresh new look (clothes/hair). Find your smile again, and your laughter, so that you are a joy to come home to.

Living with someone crying and sad all the time must feel claustrophobic and depressing.

Notice when people get divorced how they get their act together by losing weight, and buying new clothes, and looking a lot better than they had in years.

If you love your DH, do it now. Start smiling, and laughing again. Pay attention to how you look, and your moods. No one wants to listen to someone someone down all the time.

If you have chosen to stay in spite of what you have read, and the fact that he visits some woman at her shop, that is your decision. But if you make that choice, then do not torture yourself by reading his sites, or e-mails, etc. Choose to assume it is as innocent as he claims, and look the other way. There are many women out there who "choose" for whatever reason to live in the land of pretend, by looking the other way. I think particularly in previous generations. Heck, Hillary Clinton for one.

Perhaps he really is able to convince himself that he is doing a good deed by helping people. If it is really as innocent as he claims, then perhaps as another poster mentioned, that all e-mails and responses can be copied to you, and "together" you can help these "friends" of his. But they will understand that you are firmly by his side, so you do not feel threatened. It is the secret nature, that is so threatening to you and your marriage. And he should be sharing with these women what a great wife he has, and perhaps you can help too - instead of talking to them about your sex life, or your shortcomings.

I still think you need to find a counselor to help you find perspecive, so that you are not on some emotional roller coaster.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2008 at 10:16AM
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Again I say....

the saddest thing is YOU don't realize how wrong what he is doing is -- don't let him manipulate you into thinking what he is doing is even remotely ok. It's not...

You're not doing your marriage a favor or showing him love by allowing this type of behavior. Men are not women; they do think about having sex with their "friends" and will act upon it if/when given the right opportunity if they put themselves in the right situations. You are allowing him the opportunity -- bad, bad move.

Affairs aren't just about the act of having sex -- they are about putting yourself in positions and predicaments that make it easy for the affairs to happen. -- Trust and a respectful marriage is about a man making good choices - like deciding NOT to take his hot recently divorced secretary out to lunch everyday -- marriage is about not putting yourself in positions where you can grow close to another person of the opposite sex. That's what respect and love and trust is all about. If he can't give you's really only time and if you don't see that, and put an end to it now... he will have a full blown affair and your marriage will be OVER! You're not loving him or helping your marriage by allowing this behavior; you are hurting it.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2008 at 11:13AM
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If he is such a helpful chap, helping other women with their problems - he should use those useful skills in helping the most important woman in his life - his wife !

He has gone beyond helping them - he has befriended them - and that's inappropriate. He needs to get his priorities right.

I used to become resentful when my DH would spend hours on the phone helping friends, (male ones) listening to them helping them to solve problems (usually related to work). He works from home. I remember thinking "if only he would spend that time helping me, listening to me" - but I guess he saw my problems as not very important.

Sometimes I think men don't really see what's going on in a marriage - they see an unhappy wife, and become defensive and think that the wife is blaming them for their unhappiness, when all she really wants is to talk and work out a way to feel better.

It is so important for women to learn good communication skills, to be able to talk to men in a way that does not make them feel defensive. Is this at all possible, I wonder ?

    Bookmark   December 19, 2008 at 5:46PM
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Right, op needs to join facebook,to see what actually goes on there,people on here are giving her the wrong impression,are any of you on facebook NO,these people are all making it out to be a sexual dateing site,its not like that,nobody on there is a stranger,its about finding people u grew up with,class mates ,relatives,I,choose to stay in at night with my kids,when they are in bed i go on facebook for a natter with my closest friends ,it costs nothing,everyone sends silly things on there,but i think the op hubby as stepped way over the line by seing these women in shops and his behaviour is not right,nowt to do with facebook,she isnt goin to leave him so i suggest she joins facebook,and see how he feels.I would happily be yr first friend on there

    Bookmark   December 19, 2008 at 5:50PM
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But, he's not talking to old classmates, or his kids on Facebook, he's using it to form unhealthy relationships with the opposite sex. I don't think anyone here has a problem with Facebook per se, just what he is doing on Facebook. He's forming relationships that are hurting his marriage. Case and point... he goes to visit the girls on there... this will happen when you spend too much time chatting with attractive members of the opposite sex that you send hugs and kisses and let cry on your shoulder. It's natural; it's the development of relationships. You're single, traceystoke, so you can chat away and get as sexual and suggestive and spend as much time as you want on Facebook or any place. But when the op is in bed waiting for her husband every night and he's on line chatting with other women (giving his hugs to them), a marriage suffers.

And you want her to put herself in the same situation? Forming friendship with strange men she doesn't know and becoming emotionally involved with them. Well, I'm pretty sure that will be the end of their marriage. She'll turn to the guys on line (It won't be hard especially since her husband is ignoring her), then she'll start meeting up with them and we can pretty much guess where that leads.

I'm guessing she doesn't need to join Facebook for more friends; she can join a book club for that -- she needs her husband and he needs to behave like a husband, not a single guy.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2008 at 6:25PM
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Like i said, you have to join facebook to see what goes on there,untill you join you really can not comment,ok

    Bookmark   December 19, 2008 at 6:38PM
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I have to agree with Carla. Your husband at minimum is having an "affair of the heart". This can be more damaging than a physical affair. He claims to be "helping" people, and to have "saved someones marriage" yet he doesnt recognize that his own marriages needs saving. Put your foot down. You don't have to put up with this. Don't think that you have to accept it to stay with your husband. Your husband needs to stop this behavior to be with you! Him telling another woman that she makes him happy, him becoming secretive and putting those woman before you are all red flags that more than he is telling is going on.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2008 at 7:58PM
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tracy, I am on Facebook. I joined this summer so I could keep in contact with my niece who was starting college. And, I'm really not understanding in the least bit why you think you must join Facebook to understand what is going on or be able to post an opinion. I don't think you get the point... it's not Facebook itself that is the problem. It's her husband talking to other women online for hours on end (flirting, and meeting up with them) when he's married. What site he's using to form these special relationships is irrelevant. But, surely you're not suggesting that all Facebook relationships are always 100% platonic and the flirting that goes on is always harmless. It's not as much that I disagree with you as I just don't even understand where you are coming from. Why exactly can't someone comment unless they have a Facebook account - and who are you to tell people that, and make that decision for this post?

    Bookmark   December 20, 2008 at 12:55AM
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I'm on facebook. And on MySpace. I've never used it for anything but a glorified "pen-pal" site for my friends. My ex used it for "fishing".

It's the same as going to a bar and "hanging out" with your best friends, or "flirting" with strangers.

As Carla said "What site he's using to form these special relationships is irrelevant."

It's all about INTENTION.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2008 at 11:02PM
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"He said I was paranoid and should speak to my GP about going back on antidepressants"

Excuse me? He said what?

I would have told him maybe he needs to go on viagra so he can last longer. What a loser he is. Seriously that was a nasty and condescending statement meant to make you question your emotional state and feelings. What a crock. No way would I try to dress sexy and make him want me-Yuck.

I agree you need counseling to get stronger and realize your feelings are yours and you have good reason to feel them. Maybe check out some CODA mettings online. There are two people in a marriage and they BOTH have the right to be happy. Otherwise why bother?

Here's hoping you get stronger and don't put up with another 15 years of this nonsense.


    Bookmark   December 22, 2008 at 11:25AM
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Carla35,I think tracystroke is referring to what I wrote about these social sites being the death to many marriages and relationships.
And I have been on both facebook and my space~and while it is not the sites themeselves,they certainly make it EASY for anyone who would WANT to cheat was what I was trying to point out.
And if you(tracystroke) dont think cheating can happen with old classmates too,then you're kidding yourself.BTW,facebook is NOT just for old classmates.

    Bookmark   December 23, 2008 at 5:49AM
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I did wonder how many of you would pipe up and to admit being on facebook,cant be that unhealthy a site then can it,all you married people.
My point was if somebody is going to be unfaithful then they will ,and there isnt a great deal you can to to stop it.

    Bookmark   December 23, 2008 at 6:23AM
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Tracy, no one disagrees with you there. Carla put it best:

"...I don't think anyone here has a problem with Facebook per se, just what he is doing on Facebook."

    Bookmark   December 23, 2008 at 1:06PM
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Unfortunately...if someone is going to be unfaithful they will find a way. Facebook, dating site, or office's going to happen if they open themselves up to an affair. In fact, I have heard from more than one person male and female that married men/women are considered the "best"-they bring gifts, don't stay the entire night, and they know where they are when they are not with them. Sad to think someone would use a marriage as a "comfort zone" in a relationship-but I am sure it's true, because I've heard it again and again.

    Bookmark   December 26, 2008 at 12:16AM
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Tracystoke,I said I HAD been on facebook and my space~~PAST TENSE.I'am not anymore.

    Bookmark   December 28, 2008 at 10:29PM
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I just got on Facebook because of another family member. So far I hadn't uploaded a picture or bothered to fill out details at all. Ask me again in a few weeks.

By the way I AM a web junkie.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 9:07AM
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I have been on Facebook for a year now (And love it, btw!)... and still have no desire to be unfaithful to my husband.

Imagine that...

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 11:42AM
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Throw your actual face and personal info up on ANY public site....for ANY reason? Idiocy! Stupid and dangerous. Sometimes I'm certain I live in a nation of fools.

Do any of you have any cop-friends? Ask them about facebook.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 7:52PM
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a few years back i was reading in a thread about the danger of posting personal info on the net such as pics of children. someone said it wasn't safe, someone replied that it was as long as you didn't give out personal information. well the guy came back with the other guy's personal info. he gave enough info to show him he had found his name address and phone #. talk about shocked.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 10:09PM
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"Do any of you have any cop-friends? Ask them about facebook."

ummm.... two of my friends (personal and on Facebook) are PA state police, two more are FBI. What would you like me to ask them?

Oh, and their college age kids are there too!

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 11:13PM
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Well Ladies,
I have to say. I too have over time taken the same steps as some of your spouses have and indulged in Face book, MySpace, and so on. During my time doing so. I have never not once pondered the effect that my actions may have had on my wife. I knew she didnt like it and had pretty much the same issues as most of you and more.
MY desire was never to hurt my wife. Lord knows I love her more then I have the capacity to convey to her. But something happens to me. I wonÂt speak for anyone else, and will only say the following about me and my intent and mindset.
1. It started very innocently and then turned into a battle of wills between her and myself.
2. That even after my wife told me it hurt her that I thought is so silly and childish that I continued to do it.
3. That I found the attention I was receiving from the women from my past and even others. Really made myself esteem felt great.
4. That had my wife done the same thing to me. I would have flipped out and divorced her.
5. There was never not once any incident where I ever thought of becoming involved or meeting anyone of them.
6. That the idea of my wife being jealous made me feel a bit more wanted and loved by her. "I know Its Sick"
7. in the end. My love of my wife and my honest self review. Made the need for me to delete said accounts a paramount decision.
Ladies I can only say that a talk to you husband while not demanding he delete the accounts and you being loving and soft. That approach by her toward me did nothing but drive the point home that these very sexy, loving, beautiful women I stood before god and married. Was hurt and it was because my actions that she felt this way.
I love my wife. I have always loved her. I would never want to reap what I have sown. My heart goes out to you all. From one man who has been down this road and regrets it terribly. I am so sorry. You all deserve much more then to worry about your heart and love that you so selflessly give to us.
Honey. I love you. I am sorry. I would never ever want to even breathe a day in this world without you in my life. My sun rises and sets with you. Vicky. Baby. I am so sorry and love you so much.
YouÂre Husband

    Bookmark   February 10, 2009 at 4:17PM
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If they are using any of those sites to meet the opposite sex then they are being disloyal to you. Are they by chance texting a lot on there phones as well? I put up with this sort of thing for years. I don't think I could count on two hands the number of online relationships she probably had and how many of those were possibly physical. I turned a blind eye to it blaming it on the fact she was young and would grow out of it. Wrong.
The old rule of "trust your gut" should be followed. You don't trust them that is why you are questioning it. They need to make a choice. You, or the online stuff. If you do not have full access to there accounts and are not invited to sit there while they have these conversations then do yourself a favor and leave. It is hard but that will be the only way you have peace of mind.

    Bookmark   February 11, 2009 at 10:41AM
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Without meaning to hijack, this thread has been very helpful to me today -- I don't want to start a new topic when this one has clarified so many things.

My situation and why all your posts above have been helpful in sorting out my thoughts:

DH has just recently reconnected via FB with a GF from 31+ years ago, who is evidently happily married with 3 children, but she's also totally into FB with a lot of people. They started IM'ing thru FB, then phone calls and emails, had lunch last week, and are planning on meeting for a walk this week. I started getting really upset despite his saying she was just his "friend", but the length of time he has been spending on FB with her made me sick with worry. I also noted exchanges of FB "hugs".

Yesterday I installed keyboard stroke recording software, which I felt horrible about, but I just felt I had to know at least what he was saying to her before this situation gets out of hand. Sure enough, his IM messages included language -- at least from his end -- regarding staring into each other's eyes but knowing the boundaries, if reincarnated they'd be soulmates, signing off "I love you", etc., etc. I know he doesn't love her, except as a "friend", he just loves the idea of being so special and new to someone he knew so long ago.

I can't tell him about the keyboard software, but I am putting my foot down tonight. I've given him enough rope and he's just about hung himself. I don't believe he wants an affair, but in my mind he's already being emotionally unfaithful. Enough's enough.

DH and I have worked through many challenges with each other, but I know that we do love each other. I think this thing came around due to the "special" feelings FB communication can provide with IM and damaging (if misused) tools for developing new, instantly "deep" relationships. Also, 31+ years ago their dating relationship was abruptly halted by her family for religious reasons -- DH and his family did not have any contact with her family for all this time. I think there's a bit of "what if" going thru DH's head right now. I didn't meet DH until 10 years after that part of his life.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 7:42PM
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Any relationship that is held in secrecy, without your spouse's knowledge or approval is dangerous to your marriage. I do not believe that there is any thing innocent about flirting when you are 1/2 of a married couple.

My SD33 found out that her husband was on the internet with "friends" that were women. She then found out that he had a separate bank account so that he could pay to talk to these "friends" that were women. Then she came home one day and caught him with his pants down around his ankles while he was online with one of his women "friends". She left him. He didn't care. He said he much preferred having relationships like that because he "didn't need anyone".

I asked my husband if I could join one of those high school reunion things online. If he had said that he didn't want me to I would not have. (So far it has been a rip off. LOL)

Internet things like fb and ms can be quick sand to someone that is vulnerable or out looking for the wrong thing. You have to be so very careful.

    Bookmark   February 21, 2009 at 8:15PM
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I agree social networking sites can be a black hole, and can lead to some undesirable things also, but not for everyone.

My wife's best friend from high school (female) is new to the internet so is of course trying everything including emails that begin with "fw:fw:fw this is really funny/help stop crime" or whatever....and persuaded her to join facebook.

My soul mate goes on some evenings but it's not a big deal. She has reconnected with lots of her old friends, and lots of her current friends are on it too. If I come in and ask her to join me in the living room, or to make love or share a coffee or whatever, I know she will.

I trust her implicitly. We actually met online, not a dating site, just a chatroom and I was living on the other side of the world (hailed from same country originally) and I was at the tail end of my marriage. It had degraded to a depressing joke and I had begged my ex to go into counselling with me and wouldn't, she considered it was all 'normal' yet we had no friendship, no intimacy, and if it wasn't right for me, it wasn't right for either of us, right?

Anyway, long story short, I trust the love of my life because we had a sort of "pinky swear" moment - neither of us hid anything from each other and we agreed that we would never part, or give each other any cause to worry or distrust each other, ever. I know it sounds naive but we both just know we can. Both of us were married before, in disastrous marriages so both learned a lot. People around us often comment on how much in love we are (and it's 7 years just about)

When she signed up for facebook, as a computer person I made some suggestions - firstly, to use her maiden name (most of her old friends know her by that name anyway) and not to show her real birth date. Those two things are the first things to consider to keeping you and your information safe. I know it sounds odd not using your name but if you do, as previous poster said, it's verrry easy to track you down. She doesn't even have photos on at the moment. Have I checked her profile to see if she's "married" or "single and looking?" or whatever? No.

She just called me and said she'd forgotten she had something on at school tonight and she'll be late. Again, I am not troubled by it and trust her. Without that trust we'd have nothing, and having that trust is like an enormous boost in your life, it's palpable and real and I suspect not unlike religious faith, in a way.

I sort of would like to join FB myself, just to be connected with people back home, but value my privacy too much.

What prompted me to post was mtnwomanbc's admission she's installed keylogging software on the computer.

Let me just say, I don't condone people cheating on anyone else, and I should know, I don't condone dishonesty etc either, but if you spy on your partner, you get what you deserve. I am sure nobody does such a thing unless they have some sort of gut feeling, and if they do, much better to discuss it with partner.

In many ways, something like installing a keylogger would be grounds for divorce, right there IMHO.

I would also venture to say, be careful with generalisations. Indeed men and women are equal but different, but don't indulge in this "men always..." - it's very toxic and I'm certain women don't like men generalising about them either - a big part of the feminist war was fought on this very point - let's aim for something different and better for everyone, rather than just turning the tables.

Rant off. Thanks.

    Bookmark   February 26, 2009 at 8:11PM
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I don't know pjb, no matter how many times you say it or how many different ways you imply it, the fact that you have to mention it so much sort of suggests that maybe you don't really or fully trust your 'soul mate'. I just found your whole post kind of defensive for no real reason.

Maybe the fact that you met your soul mate on line while you were still married has something to do with not being able to totally trust in the relationship. I don't know; I'm not sure how you could trust a woman that was carrying on with a married man on line (and I'm not sure why she would trust you) but I guess since she's your one and only soul mate, you're just gonna have to.

I have a different view on faithfulness; it's not just about being in love and not wanting to be with anyone else -- but it's about not putting yourself in situations where you may want to be with other people. It's knowing that you shouldn't be chatting on line with other women when your marriage appears to be falling apart. I know, I know you have good excuses, she was just a friend, etc... but, come on, that's how affairs start, and how marriages going through rocky times totally fall apart and why they often end.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2009 at 2:16PM
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Facebook makes it reeeeeally easy to spark a flame. It happens all the time, not always intentionally, but if you are not the watchguard of your marriage, who will be?

I canceled my account after one too many stories reaching my ears of partners in pain. I don't need that kind of drama in my life. If my childhood BFF wants me in her life so badly, she can look me up in the white pages.

And soul mates are made, not found. Certainly not when you're still married.

    Bookmark   March 3, 2009 at 8:15PM
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I'm not sure how I conveyed being 'defensive' - I was just trying to say how it was.

My marriage was over, it was finances keeping us together. I had made it quite clear that I did not consider what we had was a marriage. She herself would often say she wanted a divorce and indulged in some pretty cruel behaviour.

Still, I was not looking. Not at all. It was fate and when I realised I had feelings for this person I told my ex it was over, immediately. My wife and I discussed my then-situation fully and frankly. If I could have done things differently I would have but that's just how things were.

I absolutely trust my partner and in the relationship. I guess I was at pains to spell it out which somehow gave the opposite impression?? I guess what I was trying to say was, facebook isn't for everyone. I am ok with my wife being on it, because I trust her, absolutely. I still can't see where you read anything else into it unless you find my absolute faith in my partner disturbing.

Since there is no way of saying how a soul mate, if you believe in them works, you just believe whatever you like about them. All I know is I met mine in a one in a gazillion chance. There was no way we would have ever met under normal circumstances. I am very grateful that we did meet.

I agree if someone really wants to make contact with you they ought to pick up the phone. The other downsides I see to facebook is the risk of identity theft, hence not using current surname or birthday. It is very very easy to steal an identity a little bit at a time and facebook/myspace are favourite sources.

Some people can become addicted to social networking sites too, putting all their time into them.

I am curious neither of you commented on the issue I was mostly raising, the ethical issue of spying on your partner. Even if your suspicions are proven right, I don't think that justifies stepping over that line. My whole contention is by taking such actions, (spying) you might actually make something happen.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 4:11AM
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I do believe in soul mates... but I also believe that some relationships are doomed from the beginning if they are begun under the wrong circumstances.

"It was fate and when I realised I had feelings for this person I told my ex it was over"....see what I mean it wasn't really over until you developed feelings for someone else while you were married. I guess you won the lottery and all your finacial problems ended right there and then too. I've heard it before.. it was over, we weren't sleeping together, we just stayed together for the sake of the kids, the finances, the insurance...on and on... but it wasn't over, you didn't file for divorce or even a separation... And you were, if nothing else, having an emotional affair with someone else while you were married. Your post itself serves as a good example of why people shouldn't be chatting on line with members of the opposite sex.

Quite honestly, and in your case, it may have been a good idea if your Ex wife had used spy wear from the start... it may have saved your marriage if your computer affair was nipped in the bud. Because you know how hard it is for a wife to compete with her husband's soul mate that he just innocently happened to meet on line (what are the chances?). I'm just glad your real soul mate wasn't the nurse who helped deliver your second child (now that could have been really awkward).

I can't believe when people cheat and then go off on the spouse for doing what they can to catch them. People can catch diseases and die from their spouses having affairs; if you suspect something -- you almost need to protect yourself. I mean there are psycho people who are just very jealous type people who could bother anyone and then there are people that are married to people like you that are cheating... and, no, even if your wife got spy wear, she didn't make it happen. You did, you and your soul mate who was chatting with a married man... she sounds like a classy lady; hopefully you hide how you met from your friends.. nobody like a homewrecker.

You and your soul mate do sound perfect for each other though. You haven't even checked her profile to see if she was listed as married... What? Seriously, why would you even think about that unless you were doubting her? It wouldn't even occur to me to check my husband's status ..if he didn't list it, I would just think he forgot it, or didn't mention it for some other reason... that's trust... thinking about it, ro the point of saying "I dind't even check it" sounds like you're worrying about it. Serioulsy, it wouldn't even occur to me --why are you even thinking about it?

But honey, let me tell you something, no married woman I know is using only her Maiden name. Many use both last names -- so that people can find them under either; and you can easily set it up that way. Of course using her maiden name makes it easier for her old BOYfriends to find her and totally suggests to others that she is not married. I have old friends, and guess what, they know I am married and have a different last name. Just odd... well, maybe not really all that odd considering the history.

I think deep down you're fooling yourself... like I first said, a relationship that was formed on mistrust and lies, is kind of not the beautiful relationship that you may generally expect to have with your soul mate. It's kind of tainted, no? Of course that pinky swear you did, I'm sure means a lot, probably as much as your last marriage vows.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 9:49AM
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Nice. I guess you're not going to be convinced. I told her to use her maiden name. Wasn't her idea. Like I said I work with computers and suggested it to keep her/us insulated from identity theft etc. Everyone knows her from her maiden name anyway because we were overseas. The people that matter know she is married and she is open about that.

My first marriage was over before it began. As you say doomed from the beginning. I knew I should have broken it off but, I'm ashamed to admit I was too much of a chicken and allowed myself to be swept up in it. I did try my best but eventually it wore me down. Perhaps it was destined to happen anyway, because we did have kids and I wouldn't change that.

My ex was the one who said she didn't believe in love and romance (found that out later) and that we were just 'roommates' - I made it quite clear I didn't want to live like that. We really were just sharing a roof.

My ex 'spying' on me - and she did in her own way - would not have saved my marriage, like I said it was pretty much over by mutual unspoken agreement, not that I acted on it. As for the financial side of it, it pretty much cost me everything to leave - I took on all the debts except the house, and then I still had to pay there, but I wanted the ex to have the house -in the end it would have been better to sell it but she's pretty materialistic and wanted to hang onto it. I ended up with nothing but some debts, she hung onto the house, just, met someone else who helped her out with it.

So everyone went through a financially and emotionally trying time - which I was trying to avoid in the first place, it just goes to show you shouldn't put off unpleasant difficult things you know you need to do.

I guess I'm not going to convince you. You probably think I'm a bad person. Coming from a highly abusive (on her part) relationship, I make no apologies. I regret people getting hurt, sure. I am sorry for the impact on the kids, but the impact on the kids hearing their mother abuse me was pretty tough too.

I am a different and much better person. I learned from my mistakes and moved on. Things are different and both of us have placed a lot of trust in each other and taken some pretty big leaps of faith. I also think I know when I can trust someone, and I do.

My whole point was, facebook et al is not for everyone. Let's just drop it, and agree to disagree.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2009 at 2:40PM
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Hey pjb...

I found my soulmate online, as well. We also lived halfway around the world from each other. Took us a while to figure out what has happening. After a two-year long-distance relationship, we got married in Singapore. We lived there for two years before moving to the US. We now own a small home in New England.


Trust is the name of the game in any online relationship. Otherwise you will be absolutely miserable wondering "what your partner is doing". The trust we shared allowed us to make it through months of physical seperation. Believe me...that was painful enough without the green-eyed monster tormenting us, as well.

Trust like that keeps on going even when the distance is gone. That's why I've no problem with my wife's Facebooking. She chats with old schoolmates - some women, some men, some single. There's texting and phone calls, too. In fact, she's going to a school reunion next month. No other spouses will be going, so there's no need for me to go. Besides...I don't know anyone.

This trust works both ways. When we lived in S'pore, my best friend was a single woman. My wife and she were best friends before we married, and continued the friendship afterward. We became friends later on. The three of us often went out together - movies, dinner, ect. She even wished me a happy birthday via text message. I didn't need to be reminded I was a year older, tho'!

When my wife and I visited her last year, she let us stay in her guest bedroom. That saved us having to pay for a hotel. She had just gotten a "Dear Jane" letter from the jerk she was with, so she appreciated the company.

The second night we were there, my wife went to bed early. The jet-lag had done her in. Yet our friend and I stayed up and talked. I just couldn't help myself...the discussion turned to...POLITICS.

Yes...that was sarcasm...yet I won't apologise for it. I do apologise for hijacking this thread. However I just couldn't stand by while Carla painted all men with that broad brush of hers. She said..."Men are not women; they do think about having sex with their "friends" and will act upon it if/when given the right opportunity if they put themselves in the right situations."

Well guess what?...that behaviour is not limited to men. Another of my wife's girlfriends is a homewrecker. She even lost a job because of relations with a married colleague. When we shook hands during our last visit, she paddled my palm. Apparently she was looking for some opportunities of her own. Too bad I wasn't interested.


Your husband is lying to these women about your relationship to gain sympathy from them. Don't let him twist any blame to you. His actions have turned you into a spy. Shame on him.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2009 at 8:12PM
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Thanks, Daftpunk, for your comments. I agree, generalising is dangerous. Trust is paramount. Lose that, and things become self-fulfilling.

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 2:44PM
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So, we are dropping it, or we're not dropping it? Oh, wait, let me guess, I have to drop it, but not anyone else?


My point was that pjb met someone else on line while he was still married...(that is mistrust plain and simple, no?) If you didn't get or see that, you missed the whole point. I'm not saying you can't meet someone one line that is wonderful and your soul mate and that you can't trust on facebook. Of course you can. But Pjb was married when he met someone on line!!!!

And, sorry for overgeneralizing, but as a whole I do think men think differently about their friends then women do. Of course a women can develop a crush on a male friend and have sexual feelings for them, but men 'generally' do think about almost all their attractive friends on a sexual level at one point, or another while most women really don't think about having sex with every cute guy they see. You don't have to agree with my generalization, but, don't be blind to it either.

And, I didn't really get your sarcastic story.. or even what part of it was supposed to be sarcastic.. (Isn't sarcasm usually mean, and/or saying the opposite of what you think --not just throwing in the word "Politics" or making up a whole story -- I don't know) ...But if your wife really does have this friend, I would lay big money that you have thought of her sexually because that's just the nature of the beast ;-)

    Bookmark   March 14, 2009 at 10:59AM
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Thanks Carla. I am sure none of us men knew what we thought until you happened along. Do not presume to speak for others, and don't judge others.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2009 at 6:56PM
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I'm surfing and came across this post. I am on Facebook. I have friends who are male, female, gay, bi, married and single. Their ages range from late 20s to I think around 76 or so. We banter we joke , we use innuendo. That's all it is. My grown kids on on Facebook and we're friends too.We write goofy stuff on each others walls now and then. DH has no interest in online communities.

I'm 58 years young. Married to my first and only DH for over 35 years. I had male friends when I met him and I still have male friends today. I go on vacation alone sometimes. I have male friends I see just like I would a girlfriend. I have never strayed. Men and women can and do have platonic relationships.

Affairs will always happen. They always have. Either a person is committed or they aren't. The net, keeping tabs etc. won't change that.

Reminds me of teenagers with curfews. They can get knocked up just as easily after school as at midnight but parents choose the false security of thinking if they are in at night they're safe.

I don't know the OP. However I do know there are 3 sides to every story....his,hers and the truth.

If my DH started to question me on what I was doing I would become defensive too. Hugs,hearts and flowers etc on Facebook are not necessarily courting someone LOL. Without seeing the actual message we don't know what the context was. Recently I got an email from a male friend (not on Facebook) who said he thought I was "adorable". He was referring to something I'd said and the way I'd said it. Taken out of context by a jealous mate it could have been overblown into something it had not to do with.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 3:52AM
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I have a similar problem as the op. My DH has I guess what you could call an ex thaat he is now talking to on Facebook. He has female friends and I am ok with that. My problem is the stuff that him and this ex say to each other. She had a list of firsts and he was the first thing she thought of when she woke up. He has also told her that if they were to make a movie of his life it would end with the hero not getting the girl. I'm a girl what the hell does that mean? I'm not a good enough girl or the wrong girl that he got stuck with? Maybe it means that I don't deserve a hero? He has started deleting their messages so that I can't read them. He says it's so I don't jump to the wrong conclusions. He didn't talk to her for a coupole days after our last huge fight about this and she asked if it was because she was coming on to strong? Here is the text...
Don't be afraid of being on Facebook. I will not bother you if you are online. I have noticed that almost as soon as you are on, you are offline again fairly quickly, and I hope it's not because of me.
Maybe I was too forward. I didn't mean to be.
Today at 2:24am
Please woman... I was on and off to see if I got any email from you. I didnt so I logged. I didnt even think to check the chat thingy.
Today at 2:25am
And also, how were you being forward? I still dont understand women after 40+
Today at 9:16am
Checking to see if I sent you an email? Honestly.....I think I sent the last one, and didn't hear anything from you, so I assumed that you didn't want to talk. Men. You guys are impossible. :-) You know, you can send me one too. Sometimes I log in to see if YOU sent ME an email. :-)

The "being too forward thing"? It's like this....I contact you out of the blue after 12 years, and no doubt threw you a curveball (maybe not, idk).
Today at 9:19am
Oh, and BTW...check your chat once in a while. You never know who or what you'll find. :-)

THey are both married. I thought we were happy. Now I don't know. Did you notice the times he sent her messages. It was the middle of the night. He stays up all night to talk to other women and there is nothing for me except yelling the next day if I ask anything or anger because he is overly tired. Can someone please tell me if I am being to sensitive here? The two of them never really dated but did mess around a bit from what he says other people we know say otherwise. Please help I'm at the end of my rope with this!

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 3:47PM
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To the OP:

IMHO, this is your situation:

Since your DH gets defensive about "flirting"...

...which is proven by his need to degrade you for not liking what he is doing...

Since your DH is telling lies about your marriage (accusing you of not having sex with him; not doing things with him, etc, etc, etc)...

Since your DH is trying to make you feel guilty because you realize he is being a cad...

Since your DH is suggesting YOU are the one who needs to see a doc and get on meds...

Since your DH is lying to you by saying his emotional entanglements are "helping" the Other Women's marriages/relationships...

Since your DH has already made physical contact with [at least] one of his Facebook "friends"...

You have a serious problem on your hands. I know fifteen years seems like a big investment (and it is), but are you willing to spend fifteen more years like this???

I realize you haven't posted in a while. I do hope you are getting real help. Hope to hear an update. (((hugs)))

    Bookmark   June 15, 2009 at 6:29AM
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Jen, I'm curious -- how in the world does your DH stay up so late at night doing this and then work the next day, too???

Those messages seem to be innocuous, but if I were in your shoes, I would be very concerned. Strong emotional connections are not to be lightly dismissed.

The very fact that he is so addicted that he stays up all hours of the night doing that is a flaming red flag IMO. To me, the bottom line is that he is expending emotional energy on OW rather than on you.

If I were you, I would definitely stay on top of this. And if your DH is even the least bit defensive about it, that is a HUGE red flag too. HTH

    Bookmark   June 18, 2009 at 3:41AM
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Oh wow....I feel exactly like you do. I know that awful feeling. My husband is in a band...groupie like girls are always around. I too have snooped around & I'm not proud of it but I so know that uncertain feeling. I see the sexy girls profile pics that are asking to be his friend on FB and it makes me crazy! I don't know what to do about it. I just keep watching but in a way it does keep me on my toes. I am more aware of my weight and appearance. I want to feel as good about myself as I can. Nothing worse than feeling fat & ugly when some sexy thing flirts with him when were out. I really feel for you. I don't have advice...I can only relate coz I'm sort of in the same boat.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2011 at 11:51PM
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oh my.I dont know if anybody else has seen their old posts and thought omg, did i say that.well I have definatly changed my oppinion about facebook.I hate it,its one of the worst things invented,i always thought it was a time waster,but when your single,it felt like a great help.But I admit NOW when im happily involved with someone i dont feel the need for that crap.I will never join facebook again and if my partner does I would be watching like a hawk,i think its a terrible social network that needs banning,

    Bookmark   December 9, 2011 at 4:43PM
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Did not read all the posts but I would also post on every one of his "flirty" posts on facebook. EVERY ONE, eventually he will get the point or his female friends will find him weird one or the other!

    Bookmark   December 19, 2011 at 7:52AM
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Sounds like I'm engaged to your husband. :( My fella is texting too though, and learned real fast to delete his history, messages, etc. I don't want it. He promises over and over that he's loyal but maybe we have different definitions of loyal.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2012 at 6:47PM
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I did find this article interesting, especially the last paragraph.. 'But if you want to figure out where drawing the line should come in, then imagine that your girlfriend is doing what you're doing and if you still think it's harmless, then more power to you.'

    Bookmark   January 4, 2012 at 7:00PM
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I know this one seems simple, but actually it is way less simple that it sounds, and we are again missing key data to know what is really happening.

WHY are we missing data for a good analysis and decision tree?

AH ... that indeed is EXACTLY the problem.

Meaning while most of the analyses here above make some good and valid points (most not all) we seem to be dancing around things avoiding "root cause analysis".

Men usually function on a "logical analysis trigger" when something they percieve as fundamental to their needs or a committment in a relationship has been broached or failed.

Now these "reasons" often make very little sense to women, for you see, there really ARE significant differences between both the male brain, hormonal systems,and social entrainments.

Example: 22 years ago my wife told me she never again wanted to hear about quantum cosmology and multi-dimensional space time or the bedtime stories I was telling the kids about cosmological physics and mathematics.

In doing so she closed the door to that part of my life we might have shared and to this day, I take my conversations with the kids elsewhere, to discussions on drives to school or while we are doing something out of the house, when we are discussing such things, and she knows none of my friends I discuss advanced physics with, nor do i meet with them at our home.

One statement and she closed off about 50 percent of my time and life interests from being part of our shared life or marriage.

Now setting aside whether it was rational or not for her to do this or me to react this way ... my point is that this is as TYPICAL for a man ... normal ... as it is for a man to try to SOLVE problems presented to them by a spouse ... it is in our fundamental nature.

Even if a woman just wants someone to listen to her vent emotionally for a minute, if the venting is presented in the form of "a problem to be solved" the guy will feel COMPELLED to attack the problem and ignore the emotional issues his spouse has with it. It is what we do, hunt, kill, analyse, solve problems ... millions of years of evolution there ... so you can either figure out how to trigger teh right triggers in your guy or ... well ... the negative or anomolous and hard to understand outcomes.

Men often react in this way.

They take statements not at vague statements of momentary feeling but as "permmanet policy statments" and close down areas of communication, dependencies, sharing, etc. in those areas that you thought were fine ... because of a momentary comment or atttiude adopted that you probably thought was trivial and dont even recall as significant.

I have seen women who in a moment of irritation would say something like "I am tired of my breasts being groped and nipples pinched - it makes me feel like a sex doll instead of loved" and the guy thinks .. ok we rule out breasts categorically from out sexuality ...

A year later she she thinking ... our sex life used to be good and he loved my breasts and now he hates to even touch them ... and he has lost interest in sex to a great degree , what should i do ... am i going to lose him? "

Not realizing that she set up the paradigm that sent the event sequence of less acceptance, less sense of belonging, less sense of comfort, less sense of entitelment, less sense of closeness, and eventually less sex ... in motion ...

As men we are totally childish emotionally even when we have Ph.D.s or MD's or other advanced educational achievements ...

Get used to the idea that we are SIMPLE beings emotionally ... and complex beings intelelctually ...

So while facebook is tempting and getting diffuse gratification that one is desirable and "wantable" or "loveable" is an easy time trap and emotional trap to fall into ...

Behind it there is a root cause somewhere that made it so attractive, eh?

Now is the difficult part ... once a guy as a "policy gate" in place based on something that happened between you (might be trivial or forgotten in you view or mindset) ... he is NOT going to bring it up or disuss it.

Think of it from his perspective ... it is like some part of you developed moray eel teeth and he got bit and no way is he interested in shoving his hand back in the hole to see if he is going to get bit again ... he will take the CIA method - deny deny deny deny ... what hole ? what eel? I dont recollect anything ... (CIA method)

Now the hard part about this is that one a "logical policy gate" is up ... it is not coming down easily if ever. He felt he is not getting something he needs in the relatiosnhnip, it has been categorically ruled out as realistic, and so is elsewhere seeking that need gratification.

Just about that simple.

Remember, us guys, no matter how poorly or highly educated, no matter how brilliant or dumb we are ... are "emotionally simple, - intellectually complicated"

and fragile ...

Even when we run multi-billion dollar enterprises or efforts or have social or economic power, or not - dont ever mistake lack of economic or personal achievements as meaning a guy functions different, or mistake his massive economic or professional or academic or business achievements as meaning the he functions differently. We dont ... we may get more self discipline and more elegant eloctuation skills with education but we do not get more sophisticated emotionally or less literal intellectually.

Even with great social sophistication ...

So to pursure root cause analysis you need to divine out what benefits he is getting from his activities that you are NOT providing ...

Yes bringing him into counseling when he is already in "CIA MODE" is a waste of time ... does not workfor the US Senate, will not work for your marriage.

Go to counseling yourself, nto with an eye to finding out wha tyou did wrong or what is wrong with him ... but with an eye to learning more sophisticated analysis and communication and theraputic skills you can apply to view him and your behavior and atttiudes thru.

To know or understand is NOT necessarily to heal or forgive, but it at least does put it in perspetive and give you a realistic view of whether a breach in functionality can be healed or not.

Knowledge is power ... but even knowledge of why the moon orbits the earth does not enable you to change the orbit.

But it at least dispels the fear of it falling ... on you.

Sounds like this case has gone along pretty far down the tube without effective intervention and that he is probably addicted at this point to the additional emotonal strokes and fantasies this process provides for him and that it is probably nto going to be easy, if possible at all, to re-engage with him again ...

Remember we are simple beings us men, once we have it in our heads ... whatever "it" is ... it is not easy to displace ...

Oh ... and a simple litmus for ALL women to reflect on ... as simple being we need simple reassurances ... drop below those needed threasholds of reassurances for long, and your chap simply feels "abandoned in place" like unused or unneeded miltiary hardware after a battle ...

That threashold?

Figure a good conversation 2-3 times a day (1/2 hour or more)

Figure good sex 2-3 times a day (1/2 hour or more)

Figure shared intrests, activities or co-work of some kind at least once a day (you hold the door while he puts in the screws - or he chops the carrots while you feed him chocolate encouragement bits)

Remember if he feels "abandoned in place" he will do the same to you and "abandon in place" in response ...

Now it is possible the guy is just a jerk? yah ok sure, he might have huge character flaws ...

But since men seem to turn into the same kind of jerks in the same ways, for the same causes, at the same ages or durations into relationships, one might reasonably ask if perhaps instead of fixing blame, fixing the operational paradigm that leads to these problematic scenarios might be a better modality.

Yes i am married to the same gal now for 24 plus years ...

Yes I have a sense of humor about the differences ... better get one of those too ... if you hope to survive without anger or bitterness ...

Be well and do good unto all

    Bookmark   January 5, 2012 at 11:21AM
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Wondering how this all worked out, did your husband stop or still doing the same ? I have a commonlaw husband that is always flirting and emotionally cheating on me online and I catch him all the time and all he has to say about it is, "IM NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG" until I catch him and then says he doesnt know why he does this, he has a problem.Is so annoying how gullible many of women out there are in believing all the bogus BS some guys tell them, and yes especially when they see they are in a relationship. All I can say is come on you nieve women, get a life with a real honest man not a game player online that is only looking for an ego boost.
To the poster above... HUH? alot of fancy wording for a simple post posted by the OP.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2012 at 9:04AM
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i'm sorry this has happened to you. I was unable to read your whole post due to time, but know this:

they are NOT just friends
this is internet infidelity. he is spending precious emotional time with other women when he should be with you. there is absolutely no excuse for this behavior. DO NOT PUT UP WITH IT FOR A SINGLE MINUTE.

start going to counseling and working on yourself getting yourself secure, vibrant and happy WITHOUT HIS HELP, don't complain to your girlfriends or family members (they will turn on him and then when u win him back, they will turn on you), just go to counseling.

start working out and getting yourself HOT. do this with a smile on your face and absolutely no whining or complaining, do NOT tell him WHAT you are doing or WHY.

buy yourself hot lingerie and sexy clothing. start "making friends" with hot guys on facebook. do this WITHOUT COMPLAINING OR WHINING TO HIM ANOTHER SECOND, JUST DO IT! IF HE SAYS SOMETHING OR COMPLAINS, DO EXACTLY LIKE HIM, SMILE, TELL HIM THEY'RE "JUST FRIENDS" only stop when he stops.

spend time DOING YOUR OWN THING MAKING YOURSELF HAPPY. Do this with a smile on your face WITHOUT COMPLAINING OR WHINING ONE SECOND. I know this is painful and extremely hurtful but you have to BUCK UP, wipe yourself off and get yourself together.


prepare you for anything that happens to you - say he tries to leave you with one of these wh*res. MAKE NO MISTAKE HE IS ATTEMPTING TO REPLACE YOU WHILE HE'S IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU HE IS DOING IT THIS WAY TO SOFTEN HIS OWN BLOW, BELIEVE ME, I SPENT TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE THINKING THIS WASN'T HAPPENING AND PULLING THE WOOL OVER MY EYES. I did EVERYTHING I listed above (started working out 2 hours a day 3 times a week got my mind STRONG) everything else and my husband whipped back into shape so fast it would make your head spin. Unfortunately the internet is full of wh*res and they are ready in a second to steal your man out from under you. the answer is to work ON YOURSELF VERY VERY VERY FAST DON'T WAIT ANOTHER MINUTE. this working on yourself is NOT for him, it's for Y.O.U.!!!! So you can feel your vibrant lovely self again totally secure without a man. this will whip any man into shape. start wearing bright nice flirty clothes, makeup and work out like crazy. make lots of "male friends" on facebook yourself. be happy and fun about the whole thing, never again say another PEEP about what he's doing, just do the same but better. trust me this works. as I stated above I'm truly sorry to the bottom of my heart that this is happening to you, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy believe me. the pain is excruciating - that's why you need counseling to handle it. go on youtube and watch videos of men telling you the truth about how to tell if your man is cheating or about to cheat. good luck to you and god bless you and i'm truly truly sorry.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2012 at 11:23PM
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p.s. someone I know ended having this happen for 2 years and at the end of those 2 years, this man BROUGHT A WOMAN HOME FROM A BAR TO SLEEP WITH!!! (which didn't happen because she's psychic and was pulled home to catch him at the door with her) this person did all of the above and left him for 3 months and did the "no contact" method the boys told her about on youtube. he became ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE figuring out he loved her more than anyone on the planet. he returned, got rid of all the extraneous internet sl*ts and is a devoted dedicated husband. this all happened after 10 years of marriage and near his 40th birthday. it's called a midlife crisis and it will come on like gangbusters and knock you on your butt if you don't buck up and get yourself together. believe u me. good luck

    Bookmark   December 2, 2012 at 11:33PM
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Did you happen to notice the original post was four years ago?

    Bookmark   December 3, 2012 at 3:34AM
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true it's 4 yr old post...but I gotta say this...wintergaarden you are an a$$.

Great advice...confront a bad situation not by being honest and communicating, but by playing games. Real mature, I think you need to keep your past issues out of any advice you give. And not only playing games with the husband to "turn the tables" or "whip him into shape", but also involving other people ("start making male friends to flirt with on facebook"). Real mature advice.

You know, I was cheated on ex wife was a piece of work, let me tell you...incapable of telling the truth, I found out after 10 yrs of marriage and two kids. Did I handle it like an immature teenager, like you suggested? No. I tried to communicate, I tried to work on the marriage...and after several years, when she did it again, I said "we're done". Little drama, little acting out, no hurting or involving other people in any way. I HANDLED IT LIKE A F*CKING ADULT.

Oh, and you'r statement:


...pretty much shows me how scorned and jilted you must be. I have many women friends that are married (I'm in a 5 yr committed relationship...almost the same thing), that I consider true friends. Some are mothers of my kids friends, some are social friends, some are people with a shared interest (tennis, etc). There is no flirting, no sexual tension, no ulterior motives in my relationships with these women...they are actually my friends.

Get some counseling man, you have issues....

    Bookmark   December 3, 2012 at 10:22AM
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One of the most ridiculous comments ever written here.....

    Bookmark   December 3, 2012 at 4:40PM
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OK ladies...I need some help here.

I am not married, but have been in a relationship for 14 months and we live together. I have had a problem in the past of sending suggestive messages to women online. Recently I sent a message to a girl I knew from a bar that I used to go to alot. Haven't seen this girl in probably 2 years or more maybe and were just friends and not very good friends at that.

One day while she was away with her daughter at a gymnastics meet, I sent a suggestive message...which was never answered...My GF has looked through my phone on several occasions looking at who I talk to (when we first started seeing each other I was chatting with an old friend I hadnt seen for 20 years...I was very wrong in what I did there and it stopped well before she ever found it on my phone)

I have messaged friends and said things that she thought suggestive and I should have worded my responses better. for instance, a friend was at a bar drinking and instead of saying as she says, I am with mhy GF I can't, I said wish I cold join you, but maybe another time. I honestly didnt mean anything by that as we had only been friends and that was it. another instance was I am in fantasy football and one of my leagues there is a girl, a friend for over 2 years and she has been seeing a friend of mine. she was new to the sport last few years and often texted me for advice. Once week while I was going to play versus her team, I reponded 'I'm gonna eat you up" - I am a former semi pro footbal player and that's just how trash talk goes...meant nothing suggestive at hindsight, I now see that maybe my responses could have been much different.

the message the day of the gymnastics meet was back in October...I haven't done anything since then but she still constantly monitors my facebook messaging. I honestly have not been chatting with anyone at all. I rarely even get on there at all. she see my messnger getting logged into and will send me messages to see if I will respond. sometimes I never get them because I am not even on there, or I will get them much later and respond to her. I just thought that my chat being logged in on FB was the reason. come to find out it is the Messenger App that has always been logged into on my conmputer and on my phone....I NEVER use it..but because of the thing last Oct...she doesnt believe anything I say and is even questioning a long lunch I had with my boss where we we drinking...which is what I told her I was doing.

Please, please what can I do...she is going to leave me and she is newly pregnant with my child and I love her so much..I need help to try and get her to let me back in and re-gain her trust..

I am just lost and so sorry for all I have done wrong to her. but I really do love her and want to Marry her. I have been true to her 100% except the messages I spoke of and maybe a few others that I unintentionally said the wrong thing....


    Bookmark   January 25, 2013 at 1:11PM
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>>Recently I sent a message to a girl I knew from a bar that I used to go to alot. Haven't seen this girl in probably 2 years or more maybe and were just friends and not very good friends at that. So why the hell bother to send her ANY message at all?
While I think your GF is somewhat obsessive in monitoring all your communications and questioning you, by your own admission you have given her good reason to distrust you. A pity you didn't get this issue sorted BEFORE you got pregnant together.
I'd suggest couples counselling combined with you staying off FaceBook, fantasy footbal and thinking carefully before you message friends. The example you gave was also hurtful because it implied you would rather be with this "friend" than your GF but couldn't work out how to do it without making your GF mad- and also implying that you would meet this "friend" when GF wasn't around. Why wasn't your first thought- "I'm with GF, we could all get together"?

    Bookmark   January 26, 2013 at 1:16AM
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There is no difficulty in seeing right or wrong here. He's wrong, and he's abusing the marriage.

Night after night he's committing emotional adultery if nothing else. My wife and I understand a marriage is a bond between a man and a woman where each pledges to be faithful to the other. What kind of man would justify time with other women every night? One who didn't respect neither his marriage vows or his wife.

Out of respect for my wife I'd never flirt and play around with other women the way he's doing. He's getting a thrill and trust me - he knows he's hurting you at the same time. The man doesn't care. You can BET he'd understand exactly what the problem is if the shoe was on the other foot. (But don't you do it. Don't stoop to that level) If it were my wife doing that to me I'd let her know - it's facebook or me. Period.

    Bookmark   January 27, 2013 at 1:08PM
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"The man doesn't care..."

I have to agree. I have a couple of friends who caught their husbands - it began as "harmless" flirting and turned into some big nasties quick. One guy even MET up with the woman and turned out she was NOT who she claimed to be.

Any time attention wanes - to me, it is a signal. For me, my husband's lover was his work. Never saw him. Thought it was another woman, but no. All work work work.

Even this can end a marriage. I am just not important to him. His attentions and needs are met elsewhere. I gave it a shot, tho. To no avail. Ok.

Divorce should be final in March after 27 years. It happens. We tried counseling. He had to be at work so it was moot ;).

I even gave excuses for him. Accepted the behavior and treatment for many years. Then it turned uglier. We stopped talking all together.

**Just my two cents! (Another woman would have hurt me to the core. For I would have felt that I somehow wasn't enough).

Good luck to all those finding their relationships are being tested. And my hope is that Happiness and Equality rules. I was beating a dead horse. I was in denial.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2013 at 12:30PM
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