no intimacy in marriage

jewelsbluDecember 16, 2011

I've come to the heartbreaking conclusion that I have to leave my husband. I'm 45 years old my husband is 50. We've been together for 23+ years. I've always had a much higher libido than my husband. In the last 5 years not only has the sex disappeared but intimacy all together is gone. My self esteem is completely gone, getting rejected on almost a daily basis will do that. I'm so lonely, I'm more lonely laying in that bed next to him every night than when I'm actually alone. When the kids were little he'd use the excuse of not wanting to have sex because the kids could walk in, now there's only one left at home and he's 17 and not home all that much. Now he uses the excuse that he's 50 and sex isn't a priority. Yesterday seems to be the last straw for me, he actually suggested that I go to the doctor to see if they could give me something to make it so that I wouldn't want to have sex anymore. He refuses to talk about it, he refuses to even think the problem could be with him. He's not having sex elsewhere is not watching porn. I'm a 45 yo female with no job skills really, I've devoted myself to my family and the idea of starting over scares me to death and the saddest part is is that I actually love this man but not even touching or kissing I can't do this anymore it's exhausting.

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Could he maybe having problems getting an errection and making excuses .I think so .maybe he is concerned about it too much.I think he has problems ,does he know you will leave him if things dont change?make it clear ,you are still young and if he is not willing to help the way he is ,then get out now,you are human and need to be touched,stroked and loved.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2011 at 4:27PM
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I do believe he does have a real medical problem, he doesn't ever want to talk about it, it's gotta be.a guy thing. I've always been so open about sex, I've always been the main initiator that's never bothered me. I haven't threatened to leave because I don't believe in making idle threats, but tonight's the night, I'm going to tell him yet again that we need to see a therapist but this time if he refuses I'm going to tell him I'm leaving.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2011 at 5:10PM
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I think you will certainly get more of a response when you say you are leaving.

I hope saying that is a catalyst for change for both of you, in a positive way. With him accepting that there is a problem and that you are both responsible and both need to find ways to solve the problem.

Sounds like his pride is getting in the way of things.

It is amazing how patient women are, how we put our children and family life before our own happiness.

Is that wise do you think ?

    Bookmark   December 17, 2011 at 12:33AM
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Jewelsblu, please re-consider of leaving your husband. Put all his pro's and con's on the scale and see which one is heavier. Sex is not everything.
I married my husband for 20 years,the first few years into the marriage, we have sex once a week. But about after 10 years, we have sex once a month. He doesn't want to have sex, but he does everything else for me. He is at home right after work, and work around the house all weekend long.I am still very young too, but I get used to it. We loved each other very much, only not sex, that all.

I hope it works out for you.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2011 at 5:58PM
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Mt, I know sex isn't everything, I'm not that shallow however, it's not normal for a healthy man to not want sex. I made an appointment for him to see a doctor next week, , I told him that I'd be right there with him. You'd think that he'd want to find out what the problem is, wouldn't you? A.marriage without intimacy is a very lonely place to be. Leaving would be very difficult I can't imagine my life without him but I can't stand the thought of life without intimacy either. Sex is supposed to be one of the perks to marriage, isn't it?

    Bookmark   December 22, 2011 at 12:07PM
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I could not have spoke truer words than you Jewel, the only difference is I am the husband not the wife. I finally gave up and doing without, I sure do miss it but I don't guess it will kill you.
good luck

    Bookmark   January 2, 2012 at 10:51PM
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"I'm a 45 yo female with no job skills really"

THAT is your real problem. Without employment potential, you will always be one man away from disaster. But it's not too late - look into some short term programs at your local Community College, and see if you can get something going for you, training-wise. Most places have a Career Center or a women's center. Avoid those pricey tech schools that advertise on daytime TV - they are not good. Ask about financial aid for tuition if you need it. There are programs just for women your age who need job skills.

Be your own best friend here. What are you going to do:

1.stay and suffer
2.beat the bushes for another man who will support you
3.clean houses or wait tables for a living?

You can't take control of your life until you take control of your income. The rest follows.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2012 at 3:53AM
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I actually like being a wife snd mother, I like everything about it, it's not as if I'm not busy, I'm always busy. If I wanted to go back to school, I would, my husband is very supportive with stuff like that. The intimacy is the problem that we have but I think that'll get better. We went and.saw our family doctor and have been referred to a urologist. The main thing is that at least we're talking about it now just talking about it has improved things greatly. Guy's are so sensitive when it comes to talking about malfunctioning man part's, it took me threatening to leave but we're at least talking and he's seeing a specialist now. We've loved each other for 25 years, that's worth saving.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2012 at 6:24AM
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By all means, if it's fixable, stick with it. But women should always have a backup plan. Being a wife and mother is wonderful. Protect those institutions by being able to pay your own way if you have to. Life can change in an hour.

    Bookmark   January 4, 2012 at 3:56AM
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Jewelsblu, I am very happy for you.....I hope things will improve in the long run. Please give us posted.

    Bookmark   January 5, 2012 at 7:08PM
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I feel your pain as I have gone through similar issues in my marriage. It has been said, opposites attract, lol. In my case it's the other way around and the excuses are strikingly similar to your husband's. I have a healthy libito but rejection has taken its toll on me also and there are other issues that I'm trying to deal with. I have a best friend that was married 25 years to a woman that should have been a Nun. No drive and no interest and my poor friend suffered all those years. He has since met a woman with a heart beat and a normal libito and he has never been happier. So maybe someday we both will find our true love like my friend. I wish you the best in your search for happiness.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2012 at 2:13AM
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