Intimacy Issues

feedmanDecember 8, 2013

My wife and I married at the age of 16, we were pregnant but in love. Against all the odds we been together 34 years. Our intimacy and sex drives have been the same for the first 30 years, lots of touching hugging kisses and making love. I'm talking once to twice a day everyday. A lot of togetherness over the years.

In the last 4 years it's gone from daily to every other day, to every 3rd day, etc to once a week to every 2 weeks to every 3 weeks, to monthly and now every other month. She doesn't want any cuddling, kissing etc. We have discussed it. She says she doesn't know what's changed, says she loves me etc, just could care less that we ever had sex again.

I've offered to go to dr with her to discuss. She says dr, says it's normal for a 50yr old woman to go thru this change. She says she doesn't want to be this way. She does take Paxil for anxiety, but has for 20 years. We both are reasonably fit and attractive. It kills me to see my beautiful wife all day everyday and not have that physical relationship anymore.

More background, she is a housewife, our kids have been grown and out of the house since 1998. She is not lacking for any material things and is not having an affair. I'm retired and we spend our days together. We are both 50! I love her more than anything in the world, I've tried everything that I know to try.

I have repeatedly asked her to ask dr to check her hormone levels checked. She says no that she already has asked for that. What do I do, divorce is not in our cards, and I don't want to live without her the rest of my life. Now when I bring it up she just withdraws and refuses to discuss.

What do I do?

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emma

I know you won't like this but if you love her and want to stay with her, don't lay this kind of guilt on her. What do you want her to do, participate and hate it or fake it. Have you asked her if it hurts? There is a disease a woman can get that makes it very painful and impossible to participate. If it is that you may as well forget it as there is no cure. I speak from experience, my husband was faithful to me and he never mentioned it again when it became painful for me.

You have to decide which is more important to you sex or your wife.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2013 at 5:39PM
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feedman

My wife is more important and yes we've had that discussion. I hope I was clear we've been together since 16, neither have had any other lovers. Obviously we love each other, I'm not going anywhere. But 50 is to young to give up on intimacy.

I think she loves me, she just may not be in love with me... Something has changed. When we do make love, it's passionate, it's satisfying both achieve great orgasms. So it just begs the question, what is happening?

Emmer, what age did this change occur?

    Bookmark   December 8, 2013 at 5:52PM
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lee676

Paxil is a serious libido killer even compared to other SSRIs. Ask her doc to switch her to something else or go off these meds if she can.

    Bookmark   December 12, 2013 at 3:35AM
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emma

Probably around 60 something, but my gyn said she had a 5 year old patient with the same disease. Poor thing, not much chance she will ever find a happiness with a man. Men can have it also but it is not a disease that can be passed from one person to another. It is not curable, not even with surgery. You can only treat the symptoms for comfort.

    Bookmark   December 12, 2013 at 8:50AM
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mkroopy

"the first 30 years....... I'm talking once to twice a day everyday..."

OMG how did you have time to do anything else like laundry or mow the lawn? Maybe you she just "used up" the libido she was born with and there's none left?

Sorry to joke around about it...I'm a guy about your age with a healthy sex drive, but 30 years of everyday? Can't imagine that...but if it worked for you guys, more power to you. Not sure what is going on now, but I do agree that 50 is too young to be doomed to a sexless life. I also agree that you should not lay guilt on her for this, as it's most likely completely out of her control. Not sure what your options are...I certainly would not divorce what is apparently the love of your life (if you married at 16 and were happy and faithful for all those years, she is probably the right one for you), but like I said, I think you are way too young for a sexless life.

I'd probably get attacked by the ladies if I went thru the various options in detail here....but there are options, and they range anywhere from simply relying on porn, to having someone outside the marriage for NSA fun....its up to you two which if any of those options would allow both of you to be happy in the marriage and not doom you to a sexless life.

Good luck, I can only imagine how much this must suck....

    Bookmark   December 12, 2013 at 9:40AM
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emma

mkroopy, I am with you on the everyday thing. I would say she is burned out, especially if she is or has gone through the change or had a hysterectomy.

Sorry, my sympathies are with the wife. Sex can be wonderful when you are enjoying it..........but it can be a very unpleasant experience if you are not interested in it and then possibly end up with a cheating husband to boot.

The choice is......are you going to be unhappy or is she. I don't see a good future for the two of you.

    Bookmark   December 12, 2013 at 7:02PM
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scarlett2001

Jeeze, folks, are we still in 1956? There are many ways for this husband to satisfy his normal sex drive and keep his marriage. MKroopy touched on a few of them. Get creative!

(But I would look again at that Paxil thing.)

    Bookmark   December 16, 2013 at 7:07PM
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Drattit

Why would a person want to stay married just to be married? Why stay married if it's no longer a marriage? Why stay married if one partner no longer has the interest that makes marriage work?

If there is no question of custody, the problem is division of property.

I left my wife after 40+ years of marriage because, libido or whatever (who wants to fiddle with speculation and guessing about the cause?), she was plain not interested in me. Never asked questions, was plainly bored, never laughed, never passionate, got angry easily, nagged, was sarcastic, etc. On top of that, she flirted in front of me. I was humiliated. This went on for years.

I'm glad I left; I divorced her and feel much better. Don't be a slave to her lack of caring. Get out.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2014 at 12:18PM
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suzieque

Gee, Dratit, ifshe wasn't interested in you but flirted with other men, did you ever give it some thought that it was simply you that wasn't attractive to her anymore? It doesn't sound to me like she had an intimacy issue, just that you had somehow become not attractive to her.

Maybe it would've helped to give some thought to that.

    Bookmark   January 29, 2014 at 2:53PM
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Drattit

Gee, Suzieque, OBVIOUSLY she wasn't attracted to me anymore. It sounds like you didn't like my post and resented it somehow.

That she found me "unattractive" --- did I ever give it some thought? I most certainly did. I gave it very careful thought. And when I had finished giving it some very careful thought, I divorced her. And of course then we had to divide our property.

Perhaps my wife should have been more communicative with me. Perhaps been more loving and considerate. Perhaps much less manipulative and more sharing of her self and of her thoughts. I think that today she does feel that she should have been closer to me and more sharing. But, then-- alas-- it's too late.

You see, Suzieque, however attractive she found me, whether a lot or not at all, I found her behavior to me very unattractive.

I'm happy without her and am not at all solitary or lonely. On the contrary, I am very well loved now. The contrast to my ex-wife's treatment of me is unbelievable. And my new beloved tells me, as my wife never never did, that I am "gorgeous."

And now I'm extremely happy to think that my Ex-wife can find someone wholly attractive to her, someone who gives her the ol' fashioned thrill she found so lacking. Good luck to her....

    Bookmark   January 30, 2014 at 12:35PM
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suzieque

Sounds like a perfect outcome for everyone.

    Bookmark   January 30, 2014 at 2:14PM
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tubekraken

I'm glad to hear everything worked out!

    Bookmark   January 26, 2015 at 7:59AM
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