self confidence is gone feels like husband deserves better

anja0507December 1, 2008

I have taken job in a country where we had own house as our relationship was getting worst together. 2 years back I gave up my job and shifted with my husband to my homeland. He was busy setting up a company and our only conversation was about his company. In 15 years of marriage there was not a single day when he does not criticize me. Without noticing he admires his female colleagues on same points and want to share his all office problems with me.

I wanted to feel productive and useful whatever I can as my husband told me that I was a looser recently. I have told him that my work gives me happiness and I want to work where I can get work easily and take care of our daughter better and can have better future for her. He agreed but in his heart he thought that I have left him for my happiness. Before shifting we had even 3 weeks vacation together. Everything was normal.

After he dropped us for my work he started behaving strangely. He became member of social sites and made friendly to females of his age. He became member of sex sites. During chat conversations we had sometimes arguments as I do not accept his incorrect opinions about me. Once he even said that he want to get separated.

He even gave his mobile number to a stranger (later added to Social site as a friend) who was suppose to visit our home country as a backpacker. He gave her an invitation for a drink and even told her that he misses his daughter in an email as that stranger girl was puzzled how we are experiencing long distance marriage.

By moving to another country I thought I was giving him time he needed for his work as much as he wanted to and making myself bit happy. But now I do not know what to think of it. I tell him everything we do or plan for tomorrow and he does not want to do the same.

I feel like I am a looser and he deserves a beautiful, intelligent, fluent English speaking wife he can proud of. Because of the stress I am giving to my husband he has blood pressure and diabetes at lease he is thinking like that. But I still love him and I can not think about second marriage.

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You feel like a loser because he has told you that you are one and now you are believing him.
To me it sounds as though you are doing what you think is best for THE FAMILY,and he is doing what he thinks is best FOR HIMSELF.

On the other hand,long distance relationships are extremely difficult.Seems like he is lonely.Perhaps if you were together he would not be on these social sites making friendships with strangers.(although it's not an excuse)
How much longer do you need to be apart?

    Bookmark   December 1, 2008 at 1:55PM
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Thanks for your response. I am very unhappy now a days and very insecure. I have trusted my husband for my life and never doubted in 15 years of marriage. Now I am restless every other day. Not able to concentrate at work as I am always wondering what he might be doing right now. He does not want to share his daily life with me even when we have normal conversation.

He has setup a company and he does not want to leave that position next year saying now. He was suppose to join us in Europe in a year.

I needed to research and find out his profile (2 year old) on a sex site that "He want to be turned up by having sex with another woman". When I ask him if he really means it and how far he goes on these sex sites he refused to answer my questions. He was then furious. He says all men download those video's on mobile etc. It's man stuff. He told me that I am 12 years old and do not follow this. It is very normal. He has stopped accessing those social sites where he kept his complete profile with lots of pics and lots of information about him.

He has lots of good qualities and is very intelligent but he does not understand me and does not care about my wishes or happiness.

To end this confrontation I have analyzed the problem that if I do not ask questions, have no expectation, give no suggestion and have no complaints then we might not have any arguments. On the other hand I realize that I would not be a person with blood and flesh as I need to be made of stone. Living that life will be very difficult. He expects me to be happy when his business is good and he is happy because of that. I need to then hide my true feelings and show happiness.

I am trying hard since last two weeks but it's killing me.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2008 at 4:16PM
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You are clearly not a happy person.

Your happiness should be important to your husband, do you think it is ?

If you suppress who you are, for the sake of not having arguments - well - you deserve better.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2008 at 2:13AM
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How can moving to another country with your child, leaving your husband behind, ever be considered doing what's best for "the family"?-

It would appear that you did what was best for you...You mentioned that he said once that he wanted to get separated. It appears that by moving to another country, it was you who has separated from him.

How did he feel about you taking his child and leaving the country?

Even though you plan to remain married, and at this point do not imagine another relationship...apparently the empty house he goes home to at night is leading him down some desperate paths in search of "anyone" to relieve his loneliness.

If you want to heal your marriage, it would appear that you need to rejoin your husband, and perhaps find a job within his company to work, so you can share career interests. Do they offer marriage counseling where you live? I would recommend it, to find the good in each other again, and become a team, so that your beautiful child has an intact family, instead of being shuffled back and forth between countries for visitation with her dad should your marriage not survive. It is worth investing in. Sometimes, marriages can spiral downward and a lot of things can be said that no one really means. They sting, but I don't imagine they are true. Do not allow them to penetrate your spirit. Words said in the heat of anger, frustration, hurt, misunderstanding etc., are often said in the heat of the argument. Nothing more. And often in long term marriages, couples can get really off track for awhile. They stop seeing each others good points, and focus on the bad points.

Can you find your way back to what you each saw as the good in each other?

I wish you well.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2008 at 10:27AM
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You are right bnicebkind. It was certainly not best for "the family"? What I meant was that that seems to be the best solution at that time. My husband did not objected even once. My daughter's behavior was very bad those days and was towards ADHD ( we found out 2 weeks before we left). Irritation was passed from one to another. I was also guilty. After 8 years work I was sitting at home and child was misbehaving all the time. Husband just wanted to tell his frustration about his job. He was repeating that my daughter was wasting his time.
Truly said Heat of anger. There is a saying in my language your wound can heel but words keep hurting you life long. In this heat of anger if your husband tells you that if you were beside him he would have killed you. How will you feel? You know that he has never done any physical harm to you. And he does not even want to say sorry. No matter what my question was this heat of anger I really can not follow.

Even then I made those rules not asking questions and so forth and still speaking to him. I even consider giving my job and move back to him but what to do with his uncontrolled anger. He says its his stress not anger.

He is not cheating on me yet but what will you say about this. The day after when he was very angry and wanted to hurt me did not say sorry an said let's start fresh. Try hard like a new relationship. Week after he found out having sugar more then normal and high blood pressure. We talked normally and I was blamed for his bad health etc. Within in a week he needed to go for a seminar in a country. After seminar he went on 3 days sight seeing. Did not consult me at all knowing I love to travel as well. Now he expect that I should ask happily how his vacation was? He says I should be happy that he took time off to relax. I find the timing inappropriate as I was not even recovered from our last long distance online fight. Would you please put your view? Am I wrong?

We have been separated recently since last 4 months. His work allows him to visit us every 6 weeks. One week he stays with us and work.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2008 at 10:30PM
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I don't think your moving has caused your husband's health problems. From what you write, his setting up his company and what that entails seems to be a large part of his stress.

You know in your heart what is best for you and your daughter. If you moved away from him, you must have felt that you needed to get away. His criticism of you and name calling is not right. You say it was every day...I'm surprised you lasted this long in your marriage. There are other forms of communicating without the name calling. And it appears that he was visiting these "social sites" even before you moved, so it's not like he became lonely after you left and felt the need for this type of entertainment.

Stay strong, dismiss the thoughts you have about what he might be doing. Enjoy your job. Relax a little and start building yourself up.

Are you back in your homeland?

    Bookmark   December 3, 2008 at 8:17AM
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It sounds as though the stress of his company is helping to create a situation where he is dangerously stressed out. I think you both need to talk. Is it safer for you and your child to stay where you are right now? Does he need the space to get his business up and running and to be able to work long hours to make this happen, without feeling on edge because of responsibilities to a wife and daughter, at home?

Why is he so angry at you right now? Does he want you and your daughter to come back home, (is that why he is so angry?) Or did he want you to leave? How old is your child? Do you have family to help you and your child in the country you moved to?

There are books available about raising a child with ADHD. It may help you understand her behavior and help you figure out ways to best parent an ADHD child. It may bring you some peace of mind about some of what your child is doing, if you can understand how she thinks, and what she is able to control and what she is not able to control. By educating yourself about ADHD, you can also help to educate teachers and other people that are with your beautiful child. You become a strong source of support for her as she grows up.

Instead of fighting with your husband, can you talk and let each other know what you each need? You are living in another country, and yet you need to know what he is doing everyday, because you know your relationship is very vulnerable right now, and I imagine that you long to know where you stand with him. It seems that you believe he needs the space, but you wrote that you do not want to lose your marriage in the process. And this unknowing if all will be OK is so hard.

I wish you peace in your spirit as you walk through these harder days in your marriage, and on this journey through life.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2008 at 9:13AM
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If my husband had citicised me every day there is no way in God's green earth I would stick around for 15 years and then be trying to stick around for more.
How the heck can you have caused his diabetes? Not possible. And as for the stress I'm not surprised someone who sounds like such a negative person has stress. Do not accept responsibility for his ill-health: it's all his own creation.
As for downloading from sex sites and the like being "man stuff"- come on. What a lot of rubbish. Normal men do NOT do this kind of thing to their wives.
In your place I'd dump this loser (yes, HE is the loser) like a hot rock. While breaking up may be hard for your daughter, I can't help but feel that having a father who yells that she is "wasting his time" will be more damaging to her in the long run. Children need to be cherised, not emotionally abused.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2008 at 7:29AM
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First three four years I was dependent on him. In fact because of his effort I could learn many things. Criticism was there but it was then true. With the time you expect to see less and less. Couple of years back daughter was young and not part of this. Since two years when we have other family around time to time it creates a very bad impression of our relationship. My daughter started picking things from us.
I am with him because I love him for his good qualities. All sex sites visits and social sites were not at all known to me. It is not a big issue if I could make out that he is committed to me and would not even flirt just for fun.
I am now in Europe and he is in Asia. We have worked and lived in Europe 10 years happily before we moved to Asia 2 years back as his employer operates in two countries.

Every two months he can come and work in Europe for 2 weeks. I am what I am and can not change myself but I am wondering what do I do terribly wrong which upsets him almost everyday.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2008 at 3:33PM
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Since I don't know the full story ie your husbands side and also only what you wrote here it sounds to me like your husband is abusive. Sounds like my ex. (note we had an amicable divorce and we still talk on occasion like friends). At some point when I'd tried to be whatever it was he said he wanted and nothing changed I moved to the never let his things about looser etc. get me down instead I continued to build my self-confidence and it just got worse. It wasn't me, it was him. He had to put me down to make him feel better about himself. He would have preferred me being completely dependent on him and not the self-sufficent person I am by nature. Which in the beginning I was more dependent on him.

You are not doing anything wrong - keep repeating that to yourself. I see nothing you're doing wrong. You are caring for your daughter, you love your husband, you are working and supporting yourself. I don't see you doing anything wrong. What I think is that your husband has other issues and he is just taking them out on you and making himself feel better in the process.

Social sites and being on sex sites is not normal for a married man, however I doubt that is your fault either. My ex cheated on me so it made my decision really easy.

My 2nd husband and I dated for three years and was married for two years without living together during the week. Long distance can work, both people have to be comitted to it.

Did your moving make things worse? I'm guessing it was pretty bad before you moved and if he said something like I'd kill you then you definetly did the right thing for you and your daughter to move.

Why not try reading up some on verbally abusive spouses and see if this fits what you've been dealing with and go from there. I wouldn't want my daughter (or son) to be around that as then they grow up thinking that is how men treat women, which trust me they don't. My second husband is wonderful and there is nothing like it in our relationship. One thing with an abusive relationship is that us women often become very attached and think we are doing something wrong and think we are very much in love. Once you realize and sort of wake up to what the relationship is it makes it much easier to decide what to do.

As I said I don't know if yours is a verbally abusive relationship or not, but I encourage you to read up on it and see if your husband fits the patterns. I never thought my ex was until I read a true crime book and saw all the signs in it on my ex. and after that is when I got my self-confidence back and started working on myself and let those things roll off my back. I wish I'd decided to leave then too instead of sticking it out (we didn't have children), which was dumb as I thought I still loved him. I care for him, but I don't love him.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2008 at 1:12PM
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Lyfia Thanks for your information. I find it really useful at the same time I feel now very very sad and unfortunate. I will definitely read Patricia Evans.

By the way I moved for my work before my husband said that I would have killed you if you were in front of me. I had straight question about the his profile on a sex site. I wanted to know if it was his real wish of just needed to put something there. I am not sure if it's natural for a man to find these questions about their sex life so insulting.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2008 at 3:12PM
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Hi Anja,

My ex husband also had numerous profiles on sex sites. I had tried to "spice up" our sex life after finding out about them. Didn't work. Went back through credit card statements, he had been on them the whole time we were married. Goodness knows why he was doing it. We ended up divorcing, not because of the sites but because of his lies (about that and other issues). He says he was just too embarrassed to ask for what he wanted. He also lied about what he looked like, his age, etc etc. on those sites. So no, I think it's a lot of fantasy, which is fine if there is no deceit and you are ok with it too. If not, he's lying and making you out to be the bad guy "all guys do it, I'm ok, it's you who has the problem... what's wrong with you?" (typical response, not quoting your husband)

"I am not sure if it's natural for a man to find these questions about their sex life so insulting."

Personally, I think his sex life should be your sex life. That's why you married (or one of the reasons), right? So you could have sex? If he's having a sex life on the side of you, and won't talk about it, and isn't interested in you participating... there are major issues.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 3:56PM
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sounds pretty bizzzare. sounds like awful marriage and why are you staying? it does nto sound like a healthy relationship to me. you caused his diabetes? lol he is an idiot.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 8:27AM
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