I need help, am I being the whiny wife or...

Aura01December 19, 2012

I would like to say i love my husband very much, we have only been married for 3 years and i's really worried this might all be in my head.

From the moment I met my husband I knew he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I do admit i was a very weak person back then and would do anything anyone asked of me because I did not want to upset, disappoint or hurt them. I don't do "No" very well even today, and most people use to walk all over me because of it. So when we met yes there was cheating, going out to see other woman (mainly his x) but I forgave him for all of that and as much as I would like to say i have forgotten it, I cannot, the pain is still to much for me to handle some times, but I do my best not bring it up again. Saying that he always begged me to give him another chance, being a Christian I have.
Our first New years as a married couple, I said I would give him the day to be with his friends, but could we please see the new year in together as it meant a lot to me. So by 5pm I arrived back at our camp and asked if we could start supper and spend some time together, I was literally told to F off and said he wanted to spend it with his mates. I gave in even though it hurt me I said he could spend the party time with his mates, but please, please could he come to our tent so we could see the new year in. I couldn�t find him so one of our other friends went to find him and brought him to me. We literally counted 3,2,1 gave me a quick kiss and he was off. By now I smelt a rat. So by 2 am when he still hadn�t come back to find me, I went and looked for him. I couldn�t find him anywhere. I panicked and was running around the water edge looking for him, worried he had fallen in with his drunkenness. I couldn�t find him. I went back to our tent and 2 hours later he came back as drunk as a skunk but I was so relieved I could have died. I still had that bad feeling, but had left it because anytime I have asked him in the past about it all I ever got from him was "Your being stupid" "Don�t be so pathetic, I love you and would never want to hurt you" "You are being so silly, really stop it now" The following morning we woke up and he had lost his shoes, he said I didn�t have to follow him to find them, but I wanted to help so I followed. When he found his shoes he tried to pull me away from the spot they were found. I saw something white there and when I picked them up they were a pair of Ladies sandals, the belonged to one of the ladies we were camping with. I remembered them from the day before and thought it was funny to wear such a pretty pair of shoes camping in the mud. Two weeks after new years it came out he kissed her, he said nothing more happened, but I have my doubts knowing the girl, and knowing my husband�s history. So once again I forgave him because he begged and pleaded, yet when I asked him why, all he could say was "You were being so clingy and needy. I needed space to be with my friends" when I said I gave him the whole day to be with his friends all he could say was "I�m being stupid, stop thinking into this. It meant nothing"
Since then there hasn�t been any cheating from what I can tell, I still get this feeling every now and then, yet I choose to ignore it as I keep thinking it really is me that is being stupid and thinking too much into it. He flirts with woman often, yet he does introduce me as his wife, and when I tell him how belittling it is to me. He says� yes you guessed it "Stop being so stupid, there is nothing going on. We are just friends" "Your being paranoid, stop being so silly. Don�t think into it"
The last two years I do admit we have been in a bit of that comfort zone you get into. He sits on his PC from the moment he gets home till way after I go to bed. Every now and then he will come sit with me while I read my book or watch TV. I asked him once to take me dancing at a club here were we stay. He refuses every time saying he hates it. Now I know this is me being a whiny wife, but a marriage is supposed to be give and take 100% from both. I gave up dancing because I had an ectopic pregnancy, and I knew how much he hated going to my shows and exams, so to lessen the strain on our marriage I quite all together, so when I ask him to take me once in a blue moon, would be nice if he would.
Lately I have been feeling like there is a huge gulf between us. We are not as close as we use to be. I have tried everything to bring us closer, I am to scared to talk to him about how I feel, because the last 3 times I did we ended up fighting. Me being told how silly I�m being, stupid, irrational. He doesn�t feel that way, he is happy. I must stop being so stupid. It always end that I fall asleep crying on the couch while he sleeps like a baby in the bed. The following day he acts like the fight never happened, and I really do start to wonder if I�m going crazy. If I am being silly or stupid and over thinking everything. I am also a firm believer in trying anything at least once to see if you like it. When I approached my husband about starting a self defense training, for fun and to get fit. He said I was being silly I would never see something like that through. So I never went, have never tried it, because instead of my husband letting me try it and who knows if I like it or not he just stomped the idea out of my head without another thought. It hurts when your husband doesn�t support a thing you would like to do, or say. When we are out in public it has become a thing to belittle each other because he would say something personal that happens between us and it hurts me so I throw something back. I know it wrong of me, but it humiliating and hurts me.
Please I need help, I don�t know if he is being emotionally abusive or if im just holding onto everything and being the whiny wife?

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I have to agree with your husband: IMO you _are_ being stupid.
Stupid to stay with someone who cheats on you; does not support you in the things _you_ would like to do, while expecting you to roll over and let him do as he pleases; calls you names, belittles you in public and is dismissive of your feelings.
Being a Christian does not mean you have to be a doormat.
Why do you stay?

    Bookmark   December 19, 2012 at 5:46AM
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I love him, and i guess my family being Christians as well have told me from day one, "there is no such thing as divorce" I don't see ground to leave, but lately i feel he is being a little abusive with the way he treats me mentally and emotionally.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2012 at 6:15AM
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"...i guess my family being Christians as well have told me from day one, "there is no such thing as divorce"

Uhmm I am imagining you are an adult, right? Who cares what your family (or your archaic religion's rules) say? YOU and you alone have the power to make your life not one of misery and feeling like a second class citizen.

If you stay in this situation, then that is the choice you have made, so then yes in that case, stop whining about things you had the ability to change but didn't.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2012 at 9:01AM
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The Christian religion isn't archaic. Your and your family's interpretation of it is. Until death do us part does NOT mean through abuse, cheating, and the treatment that you are enduring. Your husband has broken the marriage contract and the deal. He has effectively ended the marriage and made it a farce. You have every right to move on.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2012 at 11:31AM
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A _little_ abusive? Honey, he's been abusive since before day 1. Affairs with other women while you were dating and after you married, telling you to F off on your first New Years (and abandoning you to spend it with his friends and one really special lady friend apparently), calling you stupid and pathetic, ignoring you when he's home..........does he actually have to start beating you for you to admit he's abusive?
Don't you think you deserve better?

    Bookmark   December 19, 2012 at 11:45AM
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suzieque ,sorry, I meant that the rules were archaic, not the religion....should have swapped the words around.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2012 at 1:47PM
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You haven't broken your marriage vows; he has. For a marriage to be a marriage in the true sense both parties have to commit. He hasn't.

Since it isn't a marriage, you have no obligation to the union, Christian or not.

I am trying to figure out what benefit you derive from being married to someone who cheats, lies and humiliates you. This is love????

It sounds like you've been so emotionally battered and beaten down you have no sense of yourself left and no ability to sort out what's real from what's not. Otherwise you'd never accept the ridiculous things he says. A strong woman would have stood up to him long ago and said, "You're being an *ss."

Christian doesn't = victim.

Abusive spouses troll for their victims just as child predators do, so it's likely he "chose" you because he recognized your susceptibility and played on your insecurities.

It sounds like you're in OZ. If so, you have a medical system and some sort of affordable counseling and support network for victims of abuse. Search out the resources and find people who can help you.

Don't depend on him to support you because it's not going to happen. Any partner who finds it tiresome to support a woman with an ectopic pregnancy can't be counted on for anything. Frankly, I think your husband is a waste of air.

    Bookmark   December 19, 2012 at 6:39PM
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Do you really want to wake up one morning 5 years from now and look back on all this still covered with shame and apprehension as you are now? Get out now. Start a new life. Oh, and I think it's the Christian thing to do as well.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2013 at 11:09AM
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I hope you are able to hear the excellent counsel you're being given.

Here's a quote from your first post "I really do start to wonder if I�m going crazy. If I am being silly or stupid and over thinking everything".

Are you kidding me? I bet it'd be clear as a bell to you if a friend of yours had that happening to them and asking your advice.

That guy has no clue what being a husband, or even a decent human being is about. If you were my sister I wouldn't think twice of telling you to leave him and I'd come help you pack and move your stuff. And I've also been a Christian - a deeply committed one - for the last 33 years. My wife has been a Christian all her life and she'd give me the boot in a New York second if I treated her the way your roommate (sorry, I can't call him a husband) is treating you.

Yes, it's true God doesn't believe in divorce. But that's an IDEAL. God doesn't for a minute fold His hands across His chest and say, "I said it's for life and that's final".

He sees what's going on. He's not blind. Jesus also said His people were given divorce "because of the hardness of their hearts". Well guess what? Your roommate has an incredibly hard heart towards you and has betrayed his marriage vows.

Don't hate him. Pity him. Pray for him. And leave him. As a Christian even if he pleads with you, claims it's all your imagination and you're "silly" or whatever, I'd recommend you have someone you trust to help you have some backbone.

At a minimum I'd separate from him. And I would never take him back based on words. I would never trust this man without a demonstration over time - I'd put him on probation - and I'd need to see evidence of a 100% change on his part (that's what repentance means BTW, it's a sorrow for sin and a TURNING AWAY from it).

Even then, you're under no obligation to take him back, I'm just saying the only conditions I'd agree it was possible, if you absolutely had to.

Jesus also said divorce was acceptable in the case of adultery - which if everything is as you've described it, he's done. As far as I'm concerned that even includes porn. You didn't mention that but if he's into that too that makes him an adulterer in my book.

    Bookmark   February 14, 2013 at 10:05PM
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Whoa! Porn is adultery...Heck I though porn was a great tool to help keep actual adultery from happening...Whoa! What an easy way out...having a no porn clause...

But uhh for real, anytime someone makes you question your sanity you should leave, unless you are like," I love you so much I feel crazy." Something like that is crazy, but constantly hearing you are soft minded will make you believe that you are, and that isn't right...

Then again my husband is jealous and constantly accusing me of cheating or not wanting to be with him, and I literally never leave the house...ever. If I do happen to go somewhere--the store, the kids grandparents, anywhere other than home he will call me...frequently. I have gotten 3 or 4 calls in a couple of hours numerous times...He continually checks my phone, facebook, email, everything...It for real has made me not want to be with him anymore, and i tell him things, what your guy says to you. "it's all in your head, stop asking me that, so on and so forth..." Perhaps I am like your guy, and my husband feels like you do.
I haven't ever cheated though...
My husband has acted like this as long as I have known him.
Really I should have never continued seeing him, but I did...
Now I feel like it is too late most of the time...

I do know that my husband being so freaking whiny needy and insecure all the time, has put me in the danger of cheating category...I'm not going to, but I find myself being attracted to other men these days. It didn't used to be an issue not cheating on him, but now I have to think about it...Could it be because he wore me down with all the constant worrying and asking and snooping and everything...I don't know.

But your guy is actively cheating often by your description, so you either have to stay knowing that he is stepping out with other ladies...(because you know he is)... and if you can't he happy with sharing him, then go out and find someone that is happy with just you.
I feel like some people are incapable of being monogamous... and those people belong with other people with the same views...You can't put a person that needs 3 people to make them happy at any given time, and pair them with someone that needs only one person to fill their hearts. Unless you actually only need 1/4 of that one person's heart...Because if you are sharing your partner you are not getting the full time and attention of one person...so true monogamists can not really be with "Social" monogamists. Which basically means you have this one person that you want to spend your life with, but there may be other people from time to time that you want to sleep with just because of some sort of physical thing, but still wish to be with and love that one person that you spend your life with...
Sounds like you got with a social monogamist. He wants to be with you, but also other people from time to time, for nothing serious. You are his serious person...So I guess think about whether that is something you can deal with or be interested in. Then you would remain married per your beliefs, you could set some sort of rules on these extramarital affairs, and perhaps you might enjoy having the same freedoms, which obviously this goes against your beliefs, but it is one of the ways to stay with this husband you have...
Do you want it to work as it is, or do you want him to be a whole new person that he has shown you repeatedly he can not be? That you knew he wasn't before marrying him? If you want a truly monogamous marriage, then go find a husband that truly wants the same...but make sure to give them awhile to show their true colors...A lot of people claim to be monogamous, but they are claiming such because they know it is the right answer, but not how they actually feel...so give adequate time and opportunity for cheating, and if none occurs, then you may have found someone just as interested in being with only one person as you yourself are...if you are? Just mull it over.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2013 at 1:57PM
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