I think I like a guy that is engaged!

SadBeautyPhoenix1December 15, 2011

I work in a store and theres is this guy that is a manager there that flirts with me a lot and he tells me all those nice things. the only thing is that he is engaged to this girl who is also a manager there and they have a daughter. but he tells me things like he wished he'd met me sooner and stuff like that. we flirt and all that stuff but i am really starting to like him which i didn't want to do and now i don't know what to do. I've told my friends but i need an unbiased opinion and advice

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colleenoz

Do not flirt with him. Seriously. As your manager he should not be flirting with you, this is a form of sexual harrassment. As an engaged man, he should not be flirting with you, this is a form of infidelity. If he's willing to cheat on his partner who is also the mother of his child, he's be willing to do the same to you further down the line.
I can see this ending in tears with you out of a job.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 4:45AM
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asolo

Inappropriately flirtatious boss with a fiance plus out-of-wedlock child. What a prize!

I don't know why you want this guy but if you want this job, watch out!

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 8:27AM
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mkroopy

What a d*ck...I feel sorry for his fiancee, and his child.....if he is acting like that now, that marriage has zero chance of working out.

Plus, what the others said...why would you be attracted to someone with such crappy character traits?

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 9:43AM
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SadBeautyPhoenix1

Well he isn't my manager. he is just a manager there but its not sexual harassment because we are both consenting. he isn't engaged they just both where promise rings. she has said herself that they aren't engaged. he hasn't cheated. the only thing he has said thats a little iffy is that if we were both single he'd kiss me. i mean he doesn't have a crappy character its just our chemistry. we ar really attracted to each other thats not really something you can control sometimes but thats why I'm am on here. i need advice on how to end it not a lecture on why I'm doing it.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 12:52PM
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suzieque

I understand.

I also agree with the others that this guy is not a fine, upstanding, man. You said they both wear promise rings. What is it about "promise" that he may not understand? Or exactly what is he "promising"?

As far as my advice on how to end it? Stand up straight, put your big girl panties on, be mature, look him in the eye, and say "I know you think you're flattering me, but actually, it's pretty insulting to me that you think I'm the type of person who would appreciate someone acting this way when he has made promises to someone else. Why would you think that I'd find that attractive and sexy?"

Then "The fact is that you're not single so it doesn't matter what you'd do if you were. So, let's just both stop the games we're playing, ok?".

You don't have to be snotty about it, just say it as though you have some self-respect and are offended that he'd think you the type of young woman to 1) do that to another woman and 2) flirt with someone who clearly isn't available.

Assuming, that is, that you really do want to end it.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 2:20PM
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SadBeautyPhoenix1

Thanks Suzieque. thats what I was looking for. i am gonna try to say that to him i just know its hard for me cuz i like him but i know its gotta be done so i will. thank you.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 2:42PM
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mkroopy

A promise ring so cute if you are in high school still...or living in the 50s or something. But he has a kid with this girl....what exactly is a promise ring for at this point in the game?

One way or another he will be in this girl's life on a constant basis, for oh how about the next 18+ years or more. Whether it's as husband, involved father to their child or just a loser dad who is on the hook for child support. Promise ring or not...the law will keep him from leaving this situation.

I'd handle it just like suzieque suggested....put this dope in his place now and maybe it will sink in to him that it's time to grow up.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 3:36PM
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tracystoke

How old are you ,im guessing 17,18?how old is he?.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 4:42PM
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colleenoz

Sweetheart, technically it IS sexual harrassment whether he is your manager or not and whether you consent or not. As someone in your work organisation in a position of power he should not be hitting on the staff. Your free consent cannot be assumed because it may be that subconsciously you are so flattered by having a superior (and probably older man) flirt with you that you are more likely to consent than if it was, say, Larry the mail boy.
While he may not be officially engaged, having given his "promise" to another means he is off the relationship table and by flirting with you he is what could be called "cheating in his heart". You don't have to physically cheat- he is alienating his affections from the person he gave his promise to, and the mother of his child. Now, if they both took off the promise rings, then you could assume the relationship was over and he was single again. But he's not.
I've been married for nearly 30 years. In that time I've seen dozens of people I found attractive. I like a fit bod as much as the next girl. BUT, that's as far as it goes. If you are faithful to your partner you just don't say to anyone else, "If I was single I would kiss you,"- when you are not open to other relationships there is no "chemistry". Clearly there is for you because you are single yourself. If it is there for him it is because he thinks of himself as single but knows that you know he isn't.
I'm glad you are planning to follow suzieque's suggestions, they are good ones.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 8:00PM
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popi_gw

It is sexual harassment, even if you welcome it.

He has a position of authority and he is abusing that.

He would be able to cause you no end of trouble and presumably dispense with your job.

It is best to "demand" the absolute best person to be your love interest. A person that has good values.

I am glad you have decided to deal with the problem, good for you. But be careful.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 10:07PM
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suzieque

Sadbeauty, I applaud you for actually coming back and responding. Many people don't. They either post a question and don't bother to come back and read the answers, or they read the answers and don't like them or aren't polite enough to acknowledge them.

I'm thinking that you're a smart young woman who is naturally flattered and actually may find this man attractive. And I'm also thinking that you'll handle it well and find someone who is available, not a cheat, and knows you're above how this other man is treating you.

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2011 at 10:32PM
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SadBeautyPhoenix1

Thanks suzieque and everyone else that responded. and to answer a few questions i am 20 and he is 28 so its a few years. also a little update. i haven't seen him cuz i haven't had work for 3 days but I'm going tomorrow and he'll be there I'm sure. i will keep everyone posted on what i do and if i need a little help or motivation ill be sure to look here. thank you for everyone for your advice.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2011 at 3:09AM
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popi_gw

Thanks Sadbeauty, you do sound like a lovely young lady.

I wish you well in dealing with your problem.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2011 at 12:28AM
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bulldinkie

If he has a girl,and child and flirting with you?????What dont you get? youll be next one he'll cheat on..

    Bookmark   January 31, 2012 at 4:39PM
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tracystoke

when your that young ,i think its all about life experiences,it makes you the person you are ,looking back, i did all that, flirting with spoken for men,you just dont GET IT untill your older and have lived,i would not have took anyones advice ,people can voice their oppinions ,but i would of not listened and just carryed on.you definatly learn by your own mistakes.

    Bookmark   February 1, 2012 at 2:27AM
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