Would YOU take him back? - {EverQuest Part 2}

Not4EverDecember 29, 2005

My husband of 9 years has been playing a game (EverQuest, I wrote to this forum for help about 1 month ago) on line for about 6 months now. On December 14 he moved out to pursue one of the women he has been playing with in the game. On Dec. 17 he bough her a $200 necklace & he got himself a new cell phone to be able to talk with her without me noticing the extra hours on our Verizon family plan.

On December 22nd he went to Kentucky where she lives; arranged hotel room for 2 nights & met his virtual girlfriend. As it turned out, she is about 5'4" and over 250 pounds. As he explained it to me; he did not find her attractive but did not want to hurt her feelings so he had (unprotected) sex with her anyway.

How do I know all of that? From the credit card statement & his confession.

Now, 2 weeks after moving out he is asking for reconciliation but I just can't do that --- not now anyway. I filed for a divorce and today I signed the papers & if everything goes as planned it should be final by April.

Why do I write here? Well; some of my friends say they would forgive their husbands and I just dont think I can. Could you?

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No. Can you spell S-U-C-K-E-R? Let the 'other woman' be the sucker. Sounds like you are the only one thinking clearly in this case.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 2:06AM
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We tell people all the time not to rush into marriage. Might I suggest you not rush into divorce? Sure you're hurt, and no doubt feel a bit like a sucker right now, BUT if he really wants to work it out, and is willing to change his ways, some visits with a marriage counselor MIGHT put you back on track. You do have your precious children to consider as well. While I'm not sure I could forgive that infidelity either, I have seen others manage. Did he offer a confession, or get caught? That might make a difference too. Testing for STDs is in order, also!

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 9:37AM
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Depends on whether you love him or not.
Depends on whether you really want the marriage to work or not.
There are a lot of cyber romances going on out there.
LOTS of men and women who find the thrill of it so strongly
they just can't resist.
Some folks learn their lessons the hard way and CAN become
better husbands and wives because of it.
They realize that their marriage and spouse means more than
anything else to them and work hard to restore the trust
that is lost when they've strayed.

Some never get it. The replacement (in your husbands case)
didn't live up to his expectations so he wants to come
running home where he feels safe again. Men especially
can't stand to be alone. He has betrayed your love and your
trust. Can YOU move past it? Only you can answer that.
You know him best.

The fact that you've asked the question, (would you take
him back), indicates that you hesitate to really let go.
Be sure what you really want before you take a final leap.

People make mistakes. Your husband make a HUGE one.
Apparently he found something lacking in the marriage or
is he just one of those people who play at relationships
when the mood suits him and moves on to another one when he
tires of the game. Has he had a past history of other
women, marriages, cyber game playing?

It would be difficult to get past a betrayal such as what
you have decribed.

What would I do? I would have pulled the plug on that
computer long before he had a chance to get hooked by a
cyber romance.

I am sorry that this has happened to you. You sound like a
woman who can pick up the pieces and move on. He did have
the choice to walk away in the motel, no one held a gun to
his head to make him engage in a sexual encounter. I wish
for you to have the strength and wisdom to make the right
decision for you and your future.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 9:38AM
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He met up with another woman.
He had sex out of your marriage.
He is a cheat and a lier.
Kick to the curb!

However, back to my first comment on this. Did you ever do anything to try and distract him from his game?

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 10:33AM
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Thank you again for helping me sort out my feelings. I feel lucky to find such of a great forum & nice people that are willing to give up their time and help.

Well, the worst part of it all is that he lied. Planned & lied until the online credit card statement revealed some facts.

The fact that he lies so well frightens me. This is the 1st time in 9 years that he LEFT me for a fantasy woman that did not turn out to be as in the virtual realm. However, after all that happened & seeing how great of a liar he is; I can not tell or be sure that he did not have any affairs during our 9 years of what appeared to be a good marriage.

Furthermore; someone that will have sex with people that they do not even find attractive tells me that he does not have boundaries --- anything goes! When I asked him how a man can perform sexually if he does not like a woman, he said --- "I just closed my eyes!" --- .

Wow! What kind of a creature is my man? Or is that how all/most man are?

And if I keep him for the sake of our child; my marriage & family status --- WHO am I really growing old with? If you play any games online --- you know by now of the perfect graphics and world that its portrayed out there --- well; this worlds reality will never measure up with the virtual fantasy & thats why I fell short in keeping my man from doing stupid stuff.

Anyway --- I do welcome your opinion since this time will never come to pass again --- If there is a light, hope, things that I should know of; please feel free to address. Dont worry about how you write it since I dont get my feelings hurt easily ---

At this point I think that taking him back would be a mistake; but Im more than glad to hear from you and see what you would do with this messy situation. Thanks again & Happy New Year!

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 11:08AM
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I agree with you that taking him back would be a mistake, but only you can make that decision. It doesn't sound like he will change in the near future, so why set yourself up for more hurt. (Plus if he engages in unprotected sex, he's endangering your life!)

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 11:54AM
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Did you ask him (yourself, actually, as he would tell you what you want to hear at this point) what would've become of his relationship with this woman had she been 100 pounds instead of 250? What would the outcome have been if she had looked like what he thought she should? Would he still be crawling back home?

I think what I'm getting at (or trying to) is that many of us (I know I'm really bad about this) build a picture of what online people look like. I think he's fallen for this imaginary woman that lives only in his mind, and I think he'll look for her again online in the future, and again, and again, only to break your heart again, and again, and again. I could very well be wrong, but this was my experience, anyway. It's at least something to keep in mind. I really want to say more, but it's been my experience that with online forums, it is so easy to be taken the wrong way, and something that shouldn't be a fight or an issue ends up that way. Come to think of it, it's a little like living in the small town I come from....lol

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 2:25PM
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(When I asked him how a man can perform sexually if he does not like a woman, he said --- "I just closed my eyes!" --- . )

N4E, men are wired different than women when it comes to sex.
Women usually have to have an emotional attachment before sex. To most men, sex is like having a steak dinner. Enjoy it for the moment and then move on. It all comes down to TESTERONE. It drives men to engage in sex with any willing participant. Has nothing to do with looks, emotions, love or anything else.

A mature, centered, focused, well adjusted man can walk away from temptations.

You say you've filed for divorce. Then you hold the winning cards in a divorce settlement. He holds the losing hand.
HE left the home, wife, child or children. I hope you filed for full custody of the kids. He will at least be made to support his children.

It's a shame that a man is willing to put everything on the line for a woman he's never even met in person. It is kind of pathetic. I wish you well in whatever you decide.
Again, i'm sorry that your family has been shattered.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 4:31PM
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Well; Arizona is a NO FAULT divorce state but I'll keep full custody of our child since I'm not sure who he is anymore.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 4:42PM
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You say that the worst part of it is that he lied.

For me the worst part of it would be that he jeopordized his children. I feel that as long as we have minor children entrusted to our care, thier well-being has to be our number one priority.

By having sex with someone outside of the marraige he jeopordized both of your lives. Who is going to take care of those children if one of you becomes terminally ill? If he did it once he will do it again. We could all become terminally ill at anytime but there is no reason to take an unecessary risk.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 7:02PM
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I don't think anyone else can answer your question. This is something you have to reach deep into your heart to try to figure out.

This past year I watched my sister take her husband back not once, but twice, during an affair. They are working hard at trying to rebuild, but the pain is definitely still there. The road ahead of you will be hard, no matter what you decide. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. (((Hugs))) to you.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2005 at 3:17AM
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FWIW, I think you are making the right decision.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2005 at 4:08PM
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When I first read the first post on another thread about this, I wondered as soon as you said the problem. It was obvious to me he was having an online affair. I suspect it was obvious to you as well, and it doesn't sound like the first time either.

"This is the 1st time in 9 years that he LEFT me for a fantasy woman that did not turn out to be as in the virtual realm."

That statement tells me that he's gotten hung up in fantasy land before now over the past 9 years, and that you've sort of tolerated it. Why? I think sometimes it is easier to be stagnant and do nothing, rather than move forward and address the issue. I think this has been coming to a head for a long time.

He says its the first time. I'm betting it is not. And if there weren't other face-to-face meetings, did they really HAVE to be face-to-face to still be an affair? Even if just in the virtual world, you have to ask yourself why you let it go on for so long. I'm not placing a blame here, please don't think that. But it's been going on a long long time. I would definitely go to a marriage counselor, whether he goes or not, and even if you don't intend on taking him back ever. It will help you move through some of your issues, and discover some of the reasons that this has been building.

    Bookmark   December 30, 2005 at 5:42PM
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Perhaps I need to clarify that the "LEFT me for a fantasy woman that did not turn out to be as in the virtual realm." has the word LEFT in uppercase just because I was amazed by his drastic actions over someone he has not even known/seen in real life. I was never aware that he has been thinking or fantasizing about anybody else before in our 9 years of marriage.

Also; just because one is married it does not mean that that person will not EVER see or find someone else more attractive that their own spouse. What matters is what actions you take when that happens to prevent any damage to your relationship/marriage.

I was & most of us will be/are/were in the situation where an opposite sex member seems to give you chills and they are very desirable. I looked at it as a temptation, felt embarrassed, thought about my best friend "husband> and how he would feel knowing what I just felt for this stranger that just looked at me and I turned away --- accepted the experience as just an impulse of our very primitive sexual feelings.

So, I could never blame him for just feeling something like that --- but I expect him NOT TO NURTURE or INDULGE in those feelings.

He decided to act on his fantasy --- got some action --- made his bed & he shall lay on it. I can not & I will not police someone 24/7 --- love comes from people freely & I can't demand it. To me love is TRUST - LOYALTY - COMFORT and all of it has to be freely given.

Here in this forum I'm looking for people that had their heart shattered & they were able to rebuild their relationship/marriage. Also, Id like to know if they are happy with their choice or not. I love my husband but I'm not in love with him anymore & I'm not sure if we can ever get back where we were about 6 months ago; before the online gaming.

Thank you all for sharing you experiences & opinions. Happy 2006!

    Bookmark   December 30, 2005 at 6:27PM
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Be strong, Dont go back he is a looser, he will do it again. You sound like a good person you will be sad it will be hard but you will find someone new and you will wonder how you ever put up with his crap for as long as you did Good luck!!

    Bookmark   December 30, 2005 at 7:22PM
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Thats so sweet, thank you Awbrey! I love every word you wrote perhaps because you are saying what I really want to do. Ive heard stories of rebuilding a shattered marriage but none with great success or NO regrets so far!

    Bookmark   December 30, 2005 at 7:47PM
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Im so happy for you, I dont know but if you remeber i told you that there was probley something else going wrong in your marriage in the first post you wrote, I knew he was cheating on you, you are a special person you should be so happy you caught it when you did, he has probley done this before, if he had enough balls to actually go to Kentucky let me tell you he has done it before. Stay Strong dont settle for second best!!!! You want someone who makes you the most important thing in his life. And I promise you will find someone who treats you like you should be treated, everything happens for a reason sometimes you dont understand why it happens but in time you will and you will look at this and laugh.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2006 at 1:30AM
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you don't need to clarify what you said. You said it had been going on for six months as an everquest game yes? and Then you said, it was the first time he'd ever LEFT you for an online fantasy.

That says to me you knew he had had online fantasies before, but didn't take them seriously.

So here I am, telling you......... or rather asking....... why not? he was ignoring you for his computer? did it feed him? sleep with him? give him sustinance?

It was giving him something, that is what i am saying. And i think you knew it was. Me? I think he sucks too. I'm just saying to anyone else out there, if your husband if loving the net and feeding you a lie about "it's just a game"... i -- and YOU his spouse (or hers) -- should suspect an online affair is happening.

Just because it is online, does not mean its not serious.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2006 at 4:25AM
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I disagree with Aubrey. Sorry Aubrey. You say that you are so happy for her! Are you kidding me?!? Why in the world are you happy for her?!?
Not-4-ever has just been dealt a devastating blow. The stupidity and foolishness of her husband will affect the rest of her life, and the lives of her beautiful children for the rest of their lives. The future is complicated at best. If she follows through with the divorce (and she has every right to) life will never be the same. She must then send her beautiful children that whe has lovingly raised, to his house (and his bimbo of the moment). The new woman in the picture may be a horrible/indifferent influence on her childrens lives. Once she goes through with the divorce, she loses all control over what her children are exposed to, and how the women in his life and he, behaves in their presence). He may marry one of the bimbo's - and she may have children. She may treat her children one way, and his another. The children may be really, really devastated to see their own DAD, living in another house, with another family. He may, or may not pay child support.
Not4ever, think this through VERY, VERY carefully. i wish you and your children the best. i am so sorry that this happened to you and your kids.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2006 at 9:29PM
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Dont you guys get it??? She has been so unhappy for a long time. Should she stay with this jerk who will continue what he has been doing and her life be hell. When I said I was happy for her I ment that I was happy she was strong and kicked this guy to the curb, I dont belive divorce should be taken lightly, there are to many people who rush into it for no reason but I do belive if someone cheats or abuses someone then that calls for it. He is not sorry for what he did, the only reason he wants her back is because the other lady is fat, give me a break. Is it fair for the kids to be in a home where the mom is never happy????? Hopefully he loves his kids and he will make good choices when it comes to them. Just because he is an ass to her dosent mean he dosent love his children. Children are not dumb they know whats going on, what kind of example are you if you put up with daddy cheating on her. I wish her the best, she will find someone better and be happier!!

    Bookmark   January 1, 2006 at 11:54PM
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No, I would not take him back. I speak from experience. Not from an affair, the issue doesn't matter. What does matter, in my opinion, is that whenever a spouse does something that is so contradictive to love, trust, happiness, marriage....well, it's just over.

I don't agree with the 'you might be able to fix things, and if you don't, you are partially to blame' thought. That view is so popular with the cheaters and certain other people who have zero business giving you advice on how to live your life.

And although it might have been well intended, the message I got from bnicebkind's post folds right into that. Nobody should make a choice to stay in a unacceptable situation based on what might happen if they don't. It's blaming the victim, plain and simple.

Nobody should endure a life of mistrust, a life without love, a life without joy. Especially living that kind of life to compensate for someone who betrayed their spouse and their children.

Not4ever, only you can decide what is right for you. I highly suggest counseling, by yourself, to sort out your feelings and get input from a professional and neutral party. Even just a few sessions can help so much in clarifying things for you, enabling you to make whatever decision is right for you with clear vision.

The one piece of advice I will give you, is to value your life, and not waste any of it. Do what you feel is necessary to work through things in your heart, but don't waste precious years of your life doing something if it is clearly damaging to yourself and, by extension, your sweet children. Don't cave into the pressure of others that don't have to walk in your shoes, or live in your heart.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2006 at 11:59PM
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I want to let not 4 ever to know that I do come from this experince. My dad cheated on my mom and everyone told her that she should stay together for the children, that financialy it would be to hard to raise us, she stayed with him he cheated on her more than once and was verbaly very abusive to her, to me watching that was like child abuse. When ever they would fight it was the worst thing, i was always very scared when you are little and your parents fight you dont understand. I hated my dad, and to this day I dont talk to him to him, what he did to our family I can not forget. I was 10 years old when they got divorced. It was very hard on my mom, she luckly had my grandparents who helped her out alot and we were alot happier when she left him there was no more tension and I didnt have to see my mom cry all the time. When I was a freshman in high school she met my step dad he had no kids of his own and he has been the best thing that ever came into not only my moms life but ours. She is so happy now, they have little arguments now and then but he truly loves her and us. If you would have asked my mom if she would have ever found anyone she would have said no, she didnt even date. He was a blind date, the first date she had been on. He is awesome. I am so happy for my mom and so happy that she was strong and finally left my dad who treated her like crap. Im not saying that everyone is the same you do need to make your own mind, but like weed 30 said dont waste precious years of your life being unhappy.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2006 at 12:44AM
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In no way am I blaming the victim. In fact, I believe that her husband displayed incredible stupidity and foolishness. And sadly, those of you who mentioned that if the other woman had been really hot, her husband would not be back on her doorstep asking for second chances, are probably right. And THAT would hurt. I think that she needs to step back and really look at him honestly (who is he, what kind of man do I know him to be), and her marriage honestly. I do not think that she should let him back into the house (at this time) nor do I think she should rush into the divorce until really examinining what kind of man she is married to, and examine her marriage (and yes, whether she can honestly say whether she contributed to this...and I am not saying she did...she may be able to honestly look at this and know in her heart that she was a good wife, married to someone who will always be sneaky, dishonest, and untrustworthy. And if that is the case, than she knows who he really is, and can make decisions accordingly. And again, I am not blaming his behavior on Not4ever, but suggesting taking a good, hard look as to whether what he did was a byproduct of his own lack of character, or something he got into out of boredom, or a means of escape (what at home made him want to escape into the computer)...And I think you both need to take a good hard look at that. And it may not be the marriage. Perhaps it is the noise and chaos of kids and their expectations. He made incredibly stupid choices. But only you can determine if he is a good man who made such foolish choices, and why. And with councel, can you get to the root of what drove him to do this. It may have had nothing to do with you...simply his own demons. But what is at the root of the behavior? This will take counceling to find out. But once you really look at all of this, I think you will know what to do. It is easy in our rage, and hurt and disappointment, to walk. To slam the door in the face of the person who brought on this pain. It is hard work to be willing to do the work and examine whether she had any part in this, and work through something so painful. But it is important to determine whether her husband made a mistake and with counceling, this family can be saved, or whether he really lacks the character or ability to love her and be loyal to her, , and to be a good husband and father.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2006 at 9:01AM
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Ive not caused this chaos or had any part in bringing it about. I trusted him completely & attributed some of his short comings to his heart condition/high blood pressure/diabetes medication that he takes daily. He is only 43 but has a lot of medical problems.

Ultimately, I thought he was suffering from depression. I have really catered to this man; Ive done all I could to keep this marriage; I never been unfaithful to him. I had plenty of guys coming on to me during our marriage. My response to the temptations was to remind myself about my commitment, turn away and seize any contact with the kind of people that had no morals since they all knew I was married. I am a skin care tech "aesthetician" and because of the way guys seem to be I DO NOT even work on man. I had a few gay men as clients & they are fine; but the few others I worked on in the beginning of my practice seemed to come there for more than the Microdermabrasion or chemical peel treatment. And as you ladies know those procedures ONLY involve touching the face and I ALWAYS wear gloves.

Anyway; I gave my marriage 100% and that is the best I can do! What happens after you pick up a beautiful crystal vase and drop it from as high and as hard as you can? Yes, a lot of little pieces shatter on the floor. With all the glue; or whatever adhesive you might consider; that vase will never be the same or even possible to be put back together. The vase is my trust & love for him. Its all shattered & dead!

Here is a glimpsed of my conversation with the man I thought I knew. Even now he is trying to serve me lies. Marie is a coworker that visited him in the hospital at the end of October; no romance there.

His Email to me:
Subject: I understand this much . . .
I understand that you are scared and hurt and you have every right to be.
That being said there has yet to be an occasion where under direct questioning I haven't caved and told you the truth. Sorry it can't come out w/o that requirement.
You can get tested - and you should just to let go of that fear. I have not been with anyone other than what you know of and when you know of. Heck, for years you've known where I was just about every minute of every day.
I guess your friends may tell you all kinds of stuff. There is one thing I do not understand tho. How can you say that you had no idea? I tried to leave at the end of November. I was walking around like a lump for a quite a while before that. I think there were some clues.
I wish I could make you feel better about all this. Hell, I wish I could make myself feel better about all this. Things are as they are. There is nothing you do not know about. I hope you do not see me as the enemy.
With love,
******** (lier)
My reply to his email:
Subject: I Trusted You
Well; at the end of October, in the hospital, you told me and all the nurses how I was "the best wife in the world & you would take me anywhere with you if you could".
How the Hell is one to know that they are totally falling off that stage within 30 days max. Also, I thought that your slugginess & sadness time was due to the hand full of meds you take daily & to the trauma you just went through with your leg. I asked you on several occasions after you tried to leave me the 1st time if there WAS someone else; I even asked you what happened between you & Marie. You denied that there was someone else until Dec. 18th.
I Trusted You completely at that point in our life --- thinking that Your Death was our own enemy & I thought it was lurking around the corner. That is why; on Dec 15th; the day after you moved out, I spent my entire day searching for help for you since I thought you were suicidal. What signs do you think should have indicated to me that you were IN LOVE with someone else after I was "the best wife" just at the end of October?
******** "Not4Ever>

    Bookmark   January 2, 2006 at 11:59AM
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Today on Kid Kratic in the morning which is a radio station talk show they talked all about Ever Quest and how it is ruining families lives, and breaking up marriages, It is really sad, this is happining everywhere, one lady came on and said she was so addicted that she neglected her children, she would come home from work and get on the computer and never spend time with her children, finally she realized how she was affecting them and quite playing. It came about that some guy went on to there website and wrote in and said that his wife had left him over ever quest and he was wondering if they could find someone with the same intrests who likes to be a home body and play games online. Kid Kratic called him on air and told him that he is the problem that he needs to get help for his addiction. This is such a sad situation.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2006 at 3:18PM
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I admire your gumption for standing up for yourself and showing him you will not be treated like that. I say this from experience of a similar situation many years ago. My husband cheated on me while we were dating and I was so naive, so gullible, so dumb, and so much in love with him that I not only overlooked it, I was delighted when he asked me to marry him (on the same day he told me about the other girl). We're coming up on our 40th anniversary next month and I wish I would have been smart enough to realize then, as I do now, how little he must care for me to treat me like that. And although I don't think he's ever cheated on me in our marriage I'll never truly feel he really loves me. Don't let this man ruin your life. Find someone who will truly love you and treat you the way you deserve!

    Bookmark   January 3, 2006 at 6:04PM
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Thank you for sharing your painful experience. You might have done the right thing forgiving him since you were not married to him at the time. But my soon to be ex said that he would love me to the day that he dies --- and he is still alive. :)

Also, your DH told you about his infidelity because he did not want the other girl to have the opportunity to tell you later and break up your marriage.

My soon to be ex, told me because I was going to call and ask his Kentucky GF about their relationship.

Your situation was bad but at least you were not married to him at the time & he did marry you & not the other girl.

Hope this helps & congratulation on your 4 decades of marriage!

    Bookmark   January 4, 2006 at 11:08PM
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Beenthere, Please do not let something your DH did 40 years ago make you believe that he does not love you. Do not let a mistake 40 years ago, ROB YOU of another moment of joy!!!He was young and foolish, and sometimes when someone is thinking of getting married, they panic and do something so very stupid. And that may have been what it took for him to know it was YOU he LOVED ALL ALONG. Be confident in his love for you and stop punishing and torturing yourself and your DH. Some day, something may happen to him, and you will wish you had not wasted so much time being angry over such old history. You will miss this husband of yours, and wish you had more time, to do it over. Celebrate this marriage that has survived FORTY YEARS! Decide that the rest is going to be something WORTH celebrating!!! Wake up in the morning and smile at him! Look for ways to change the dynamics in your marriage. Surprise him by looking for ways to let him know you think he's a pretty nifty, and that he can still make you laugh! You will get back 100 fold! Goodness, life is too precious, and too short to drag around such old, dusty history, and let it spoil what you have!!!

    Bookmark   January 6, 2006 at 1:19AM
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we would have been divorced before he ever got a chance to ask me for reconciliation. If he would do something like that to you after 9 yrs girl you have to know he really doesnt think mouch of you. I say dump him and allow SOMEONE that is WORTH it come into your life, pursue your dreams, start a business, or website called CHEATERS, but move on. Personally i think its a lie what he told you about her physical description when he met her, i think he went and got what he wanted from in between her legs, the thrill is gone of the unexpected and now he wants to come back to what he knows, girl dont do it, kick his butt to the curb.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 2:24PM
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rosewood...why would he need to go to another state for sex if that is all he wanted? Also, maybe HE was not what the girl in Kentucky expected, and maybe it was SHE who said thanks, but no thanks.

    Bookmark   January 12, 2006 at 4:20PM
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Rosewood42; thank you for the post --- Im with you girl! ---- Christ will forgive and love him but I can not! :)

Anyway, there are things that happen in this life that I can not control or avoid so this is one of those things all I can do is stand up, dust off & move on. :)

I do own a skin care website; I run an eBay store & my own business. However; that CHEATERS website you mentioned sounds interesting. Would you please share what you had in mind?

Thank you Rosewood42 & thank you all for your reply, advice & support!

    Bookmark   January 13, 2006 at 12:25AM
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We hope that there are happier times ahead for you and your family. I imagine that he must feel like an incredibly foolish man about now, and will feel even more of a fool when the reality of what he has lost REALLY begins to sink in, and he knows that he brought this on himself. How are your children holding up through all of this?

    Bookmark   January 13, 2006 at 3:01PM
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Thank you for your support bnicebkind. We have only one child & 2 dogs; so perhaps you may say children :) The 1st day was hard; and the first 2 weeks were really hard on all of us left behind. But time heals, the child sleeps well at night again; the dogs dont wait by the door between 5-6 pm and life goes on.

Soon to be my ex husband has fallen from the infatuation; "instant love" cloud & the reality is creeping into his life as well. He had the nerve to ask me to join him to some party that took place at his work & I politely declined; yesterday he came over to visit with our son & when he heft he actually tried to hug me but I extended my arm & stopped his arm before it touched me; also I noticed that he is calling me "sweetie" and I just ignore it why sweat the little things. :)

My trust in him went from 100% to zero. I can not trust him on the Internet, I can not trust him at work (beside the team leader that he was flirting with at work, the woman from KY has all his work contact info -- phone, Yahoo Instant Messenger Contact Info, address), I can NOT trust him anywhere; so we are over!

    Bookmark   January 13, 2006 at 11:19PM
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Good for you!!


    Bookmark   January 14, 2006 at 3:56PM
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Not4ever...How are things going?

    Bookmark   March 13, 2006 at 2:27PM
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I agree with you. Trust is all. Broken trust breaks everything else, too. Unrecoverable.

    Bookmark   March 13, 2006 at 6:26PM
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I think what sort of man he was before the infidelity would make a big difference to me, and whether he was just severely tempted during a time of weakness, then felt bad and confessed right away, or he just chose to go looking for "fun." In the case of your ex, who spent 6 months letting the temptation grow and grow and then acted on it--never mind what it could do to his wife and child--the words "weak, dishonest, untrustworthy, immoral," and a few choice others come to mind.

A person in your situation has the option (but no obligation) to forgive and take the other person back, or else she/he can decide to end the marriage, and you had a perfect right to decide the way you did and not feel bad about it. You don't owe your ex anything. It is sad, but he himself put himself in this position where he was at your mercy. Hopefully he will learn from the experience and be a better person in the future.

As for you, I wish you every happiness and hope you will enjoy your new life. You sound like someone who can do it!

    Bookmark   May 12, 2006 at 7:57PM
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After reading your post, my answer to your question is: No, I would not take him back.

Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2006 at 4:27PM
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How are you doing Not4ever?

    Bookmark   July 12, 2006 at 7:54PM
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I think you can forgive, for your own well beeing, not because you want him back.

If you dont forgive, further down the track, you might become bitter and resentful and that is no good for you.

Not sure how you actually do forgive, I guess it is a gradual process. I am sure there is lots of info about it.

All the best to you, you sound like you will do well.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2006 at 3:56AM
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This is the reason I think you should not take him back:

As it turned out, she is about 5'4" and over 250 pounds. As he explained it to me; he did not find her attractive but did not want to hurt her feelings so he had (unprotected) sex with her anyway.

If he would have found her attractive, would he have come back? I took my husband back so many times... I was blind for 10 1/2 years...I stayed because we had three kids, I only had a high school diploma, but then one day I said enough... I left him. after so many years of raising my babies to adults...my 2 daughters are in college my son a junior in High school and I have been working since I left him.

Don't wait too long like I did. It hurts yes I know, but after being divorced for so long and always finding reason to blame myself... I met someone who taught me I was worth it and it was not all my fault. I am now happily married to him. It took me a long time to trust but I am now finally happy.

I wish sometimes I would have woke up sooner... But if you take him back be sure you are doing it because it's your decision, not because of he wants you too or family pressure...or because of the kids because if your not happy neither will they be......let it be your decision please....

    Bookmark   July 17, 2006 at 12:52PM
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I have been involved with this woman now for 5 years. After 4 years I broke up with her because her ex husband was stalking me and impersonated a sales man to talk to my children to get information, among other things. Also he poisoned his kids to not accept me which made things very difficult for us. She was very depressed, so I decided to break up the relationship because this was the right thing to do at that time. Giving her time to build her relationship back with her children and family. I know I hurt her immensely, but at that time I thought it was the good thing to do. She called me back after a week and tried to win my heart back and told me she loved me and only wanted me. I told her that we should be friends for now. However, after a couple of weeks of seeing each other every day, I started to feel that our relationship was worth fighting for; I told her I love her too. We were doing everything together, dinners, movies, dancing and we were intimate. But later I found out that she was chatting online with someone from a dating site for 10 weeks. During that time she was trying to win my heart back which she did About 7 weeks before this. She kept me a secrete from all her friends, but she was telling all her friends about the guy she was chatting with and wanted to go see him. Her friends told her to wait because it may be dangerous. So she continued her affair and became emotionally attached. After spending a long weekend with me she decided to tell the other guy that she is getting back with me. Then she told me about it. But, when she told her friends that she was back with me they all told her to dump me. So she started to treat me very badly and did not get rid of the contact of the other guy on MSN. She was waiting for him to reply back to her because he said he wanted to be friends. The problem is she lied about the whole thing. She told me that she chatted with him only 5 times. But I found out the truth. That she was using me as a crutch to move on. She lied, denied and manipulated her way into my home with her kids. Now I feel betrayed. What should I do? I feel she picked me second. She told me 2 months after she got rid of the contact that if she gave the other guy a chance it would of worked out. That hurt. She new me for 4 years and she never even met this person. Now she tells me she loves me very much.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2007 at 4:33PM
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"What should I do?"

Interesting question after that description of events. Can hardly believe you need to ask it. It must be very difficult finding eligible women where you live if you're willing to continue with this one.

    Bookmark   July 25, 2007 at 9:29PM
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You are probably right. However, its never black and white. I did hurt her and abandoned her when everyone was against her. So, I have to take some of the blame. She was trying to get me back and I was pushing her away because I was afraid of all the issues around her. I have to think of my kids too. But at the end she did tell the other guy that she was getting back with me. So I can understand how she could have been vulnerable at the time. The real thing that bothers me is that after she got back with me, why would she treat me so badly and continue to hold on to this guy. I believe her friends at work got to her and made her feel like she made the wrong decision and thought maybe the other guy will contact her again since he told her he wanted to continue a friendship. She told me that our relationship was 99%. This tells me that she was not certain of me, but she continued to sleep over and accept a promise ring and enjoy all the things I was doing for her. That to me seems a little dirty. To be day dreaming of another guy and continue a love relationship with me just incase. She was playing it safe. Now she is doing some fancy foot work to peddle backwards. Im totally confused.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2007 at 12:58PM
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How are you doing, Not4ever?

Soulmate: I'd say forget about taking some of the blame. That is not the real issue, which is the woman's character. No wonder you are confused.

I know it's hard when you are in love, but try looking at it a different way: What qualities do you want in your mate? Honesty? Reliability? Thoughtfulness of the feelings of others, especially yours? Make a list, and then ask yourself if this woman fills the bill.

Sure, she accepted your ring and enjoys all you do for her! But what, if anything, is she doing for you, apart from sleeping over? Continuing with you just in case, but hoping to get some other guy is more than "a little dirty," IMHO. It's understandable that she may be feeling insecure, but all the lying and the way she is easily swayed by friends at work do not bode well for your future.

You might get some good insights from a book by a guy named Greg Behrendt and his wife, entitled, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2007 at 11:01PM
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Thank you for your response and suggestion for the book.

If I make a list like that she would come up on top. All my family and friends love her. She has been living with me now for 10 months and she does everything for me, my son and her kids. I believe she is very sorry or she is one good player. Its just confusing because for 4 years all she wanted was to get married. Then after we get back from our break up, she tells me that she does not want to move in or get married. At this time she was holding on to the other guys contact. After one and half month she deletes the contact because he did not contact her so she believed he did not care for her and changed her mind and wanted to move in. I believe now that at that moment she decided to move in with me because she had no support and needed financial help. Now she wants to get married and possibly have a child. No wonder Im confused. But I do believe she is very sorry and really loves me now. I know Im a fool for love.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2007 at 4:47PM
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On the basis of what you wrote on July 25, it is hard for me to see how she can be at the top of the list in honesty, reliability, and thoughtfulness. However, to be charitable, let's say that maybe she has really changed, is really sorry, and will be faithful from now on. Good! However, I still think I'd be spending some thought on what her response would be if that other guy someday decided he wanted her after all.

    Bookmark   August 18, 2007 at 7:15PM
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Excellent question! That is what I have been thinking. I believe if that guy contacted her at that time, she would have gone to meet him. Yes, even after she accepted my promise ring. But now she would not go to meet him. That's because she's back in love with me and also she now knows that this guy was chatting and dating other girls on the Internet. She knows now that the guy was a player and would have been used. Anyway I feel she did not pick me 100%, and I have to say it does not feel good. One month she is distant and tells me she can only give me 99% of her heart then after 6 weeks she tells me that she is in love with me and wants to move in.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2007 at 3:53PM
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I may have missed it, but...

why does OP think the "interlude" person weighed 250 pounds?

because husband said so?

    Bookmark   August 23, 2007 at 3:11PM
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