Husband wants out.......can't stand being here.

clubmNovember 26, 2007

That is what my husband said to me tonight. But he can't

afford two households so he'll stay here and come and go as

he pleases. He has been in AA for 2 years now but follows

what he wants in the program. I myself have been in alanon. I want to try to work things out but he doesn't. We have two grown sons and a 2 year old grandson. My

children are on there own. I don't know what to do. He

said some awful mean and hurtful things to me tonight. I

still care for him and want to try to work things out but he

doesn't. I asked if there was someone else and said no.

But they never admit to that anyway. What should I do?


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"He said some awful mean and hurtful things to me tonight."

Marilyn, I can hear that you are upset and understandably so.

Do you want to be with someone who says horrible things to you ?

A person who says he can't stand being in the same house as you ?

A person who is an alcoholic but does not show that he has a full commitment to getting over the problem ?

I would imagine that you have had a rocky road to get where you are now, and have suffered both physically and mentally.

Ask yourself if you deserve some happiness and contentment in your life, if the answer is "yes", then do you think you will find it with this person ?

If his heart is not in the marriage, and yours is broken, then mend your heart with some positive action.

I wish you well, Marilyn.


    Bookmark   November 27, 2007 at 2:24AM
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Any clues as to WHY he doesnt want to be with you? There must be some reason.I mean,if he says it isnt someone else,then what is his reason for not wanting to be with you?

    Bookmark   November 27, 2007 at 3:47AM
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He's an alcoholic who won't commit to a program, & he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship, but he doesn't have anywhere else to go so he wants to stay there & treat you badly???

An alcoholic, like any other addict, has room in his life for only one relationship, & that's with his addiction.

He never functions well, & it's never his fault.

so guess what?

It's somebody else's fault.


You can't carry both sides of any relationship on your shoulders alone;
even babies get too heavy, but they learn to walk.

An adult who won't participate in his own life will never learn to walk, but he'll blame you for not carrying him where he wants to go, or not carrying him fast enough, or the ride will be too bumpy...
& the blame will get more abusive.

Change the locks, set his stuff on the lawn, file for divorce, & tell him adios.

If you want a partner, find one who wants to be a partner not a parasite.

I wish you the very best.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2007 at 10:07AM
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Silviatexas......"Change the locks, set his stuff on the lawn...."

A bit simplistic given the info at-hand. Inasmuch as they have grown children, I suspect the house is as much his as hers, although she didn't say. I certainly wouldn't accept being locked out of MY house. Would you?


Nothing "parasitic" in OP's description. Seems to me you've taken the tiny bit the OP posted and created a whole story out of it.

Clubm....if you can afford to get out, do so. If you can't, I guess you're stuck. If your husband is as set in his thinking as you described, there's really nothing to be done but acknowledge, accept, and move on. Any help to be had from your children?

    Bookmark   November 27, 2007 at 12:08PM
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Could it have been just a really bad night? Maybe he's just really depressed and felt the need to tell you off?

I'm first going to focus on the AA because you did in your post. You say he follows what he wants in AA... that doesn't lead me to necessarily believe he's off the wagon... just MAYBE doing what he thinks works for him??? Are you pressuring him to do otherwise and that may be causing his resentment towards you? Regardless of rule following, is he still behaving as an alcoholic or not?

If this wasn't just a blow up fight, and he really wants away from you for whatever reason (although I suspect another woman)... I would have a serious talk with him. Obviously, if he can't stand "being there" what will make it any different if he can come and go as he wants? Not to be so blunt, but either he can't stand the look of your face or he can. Which is it? If he wants away from you, one of you has to move out; you both can't live like that for the rest of your lives. What is heck is he smoking - (or maybe that should be drinking)?

I'd have another talk with him making sure it wasn't just a really bad day for him. Maybe even see if counseling would be an option. If he still wants out, I'd make it very clear to him that you will NOT be living together... He can and will have to stretch his money out. He can't have the best of both worlds. And, while it may not bother him, it will probably only tear you apart having to live like that. It's just not a real option.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2007 at 12:39PM
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There is no use trying to work things out with someone who is not even interested in doing the same. He's over you, for whatever reason, and now he's just using you for a place to stay.

As far as what to do, get your finances in order and contact a lawyer. Do NOT move out of the house, even for one night, without contacting a lawyer first. It could be seen as YOU leaving HIM, with serious financial ramifications, depending on the laws of your state.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2007 at 12:47PM
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When you say following the program or not, do you mean that he still drinks? And by drinks, I mean ever or never.

So sad for you. Lots of advice, but until we posters have been in your shoes, I don't feel comfortable with any advice since it seems you want the marriage and he wants what it is that he wants more (alcohol?).

I wish you peace and a very good lawyer should you need one.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2007 at 3:07PM
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If he's drinking and in AA, and you're in Alanon he needs to quit drinking again. What made him join?

If your marriage is over, what I hear you saying is how do I start over? You have been together long enough to grown children and been through tough times together. I'm sure you deserve better than being treated like he's treating you. But do you really want to keep going down the destructive path he's on? Why are you standing by him? If they're good reasons, do it. If not, stay in the house, change your locks, get a court order, whatever you have to do to get him to understand he can't treat you like that.

I really don't get the two household thing. If he has another place, tell him to take his rear over there to A) get his act together, or B) get out of your life.

Come down off the fence when you're ready, but it sounds like you know the answer.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2007 at 4:52PM
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i'm going through some stuff myself, though not quite the same, but i still empathize with you.

the one thing that i can offer is that i have learned that couples who both want to seek help have a much greater chance of working things out. there are a couple of things that experts say that increase the chance that you can 'fix' things, or if you should follow some other advice. some of these 'triggers' are: both attending counseling; accepting advice and willing to change; and both not set already on the idea of divorce.

he seems to be set on one or more of these courses, but you know for sure.

good luck to you, i really wish you well.


    Bookmark   November 28, 2007 at 10:36PM
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no,he is not drinking. Hasn't drank in two years. But
after 2 years in AA he doesn't want to stay in the marriage.
I'm willing to give it one last shot being we are in
programs for the first time in our marriage. He always took
care of the money so i'm sure he must have squirrel money
away for himself. The reason he gives to not leaving is
he can't afford to keep the house up and also be able to
afford an apartment for himself. I will need to ask him where all our finances are and what they are invested in.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 2:44PM
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He'll have answers for those questions.

Get an attorney & find out for sure where the money is.

I have known wives who have changed the locks & set their deceitful husbands' stuff out;
it's the easiest way to get him out of the house.
Going to court to get him out takes time, & while the process is under way, he has the opportunity to cause a lot of mischief as well as make his wife miserable.

& person who declares one fine day that he is terminating the relationship but he'll be staying in the house for as long as he chooses, leaving his wife in limbo, not able to count on him to help her or take care of anything, yet not able to get on with her a parasite.

He's feeding off her.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2007 at 9:52AM
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You still didnt answer my question as to WHY you think he doesnt want to be with you.
Cant really give advice until we know WHY he doesnt want to be with you.Maybe he fell out of love,or cheated,or maybe you did something to really make him mad?

    Bookmark   December 1, 2007 at 4:04AM
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Club M...I have this to offer, but first I want to respond to plastic gardens question. Not necessarily plastic garden. Sometimes people hit "mid life crisis" where they start to feel stifled by their life, including their careers, when they feel that "is this all there is" feeling plaguing them. They feel that there is nothing to get excited about, and are tired of their life, their job, etc. They start looking around them and feeling dissatisfied with everyone and everything around them.

Anyway, look at what you can do, before you end up with another woman in the midst of your marriage, offering excitement, and fresh new experiences.

And they can make some drastic decisions (and mistakes) to change things, only finding that the new relationship can bring problems into his life that he never even dreamed of. New wife that shoves aside his children (adult children too) because she is threatened by them, or they do not fit neatly into her picture of her new family. Or his kids can reject the new wife, and lots of hard feelings and damaged relationships can occur.

plastic garden, you are looking at it as though it is "her".
Perhaps it is "him". A man whose children are grown and are now vibrant young men, with vibrant young wives, just beginning their life. And he may be feeling jealous, (competition of sorts with his now adult men sons). Or just restless, and stale and in need of changes in his life.

I know nothing of clubm marriage, or her life, or of who she is, as a woman, and a wife.

But I would advise her to shake things up a bit, and make life a bit more interesting. To take a good, hard look at her marriage, and think about what she can do differently to improve it. To actually "listen" and hear what is bothering him, and look at what she can do to bring some happy surprises back into her marriage.

Start by getting into shape if you are not. A new "look", from hair, makeup, clothes, etc. Look around the house. What can you change that would make the atmosphere fresh, and happy in the way your home looks and feels. Especially changing out the bedroom colors and spread.

After you start making some changes, a trip might help. But look for changes you can make. If you are a type A control freak, let him take control, and you step back and do it his way, with a smile and encouragement. If he is the Type A control freak (and tired of always having to be the responsible one) you take charge, and let him be taken care of, without having to worry about anything. We get into tiresome roles in long marriages, that become tiresome habits. You sometimes hear about a man married to a very competent, accomplished woman, falling for a very needy airhead, because he needs to be needed. Or a man married to a needy airhead, falling for the competent professional woman, because he is tired of having to do everything, and always being the responsible one. He needs someone to take care of him at times.

Sometimes, people just get sick of "the same old"...and long for something different, that makes us "feel" different. We can grow tired of ourselves and everything around us.

Talk to him about his job. Is there something he has always dreamed of doing (and you too) that would be something to "get excited about"? Even if he can't actually quit his job, can he add something that he loves to what he is doing? Can you?

You mentioned that he said some awful and mean things to you the other night. Without being defensive, can you step back and look at it as a therapist might, and consider each thing he said, and search if there is "any" truth in what he said? Can you "push the hurt aside" and simply "hear" what he had to say? Sometimes people say some really painful things because they are hurting, or depressed, but sometimes they say hurtful things because they need to speak the "truth" and sometimes the truth can hurt. But if there was truth in his words, can you actually "hear the truth" and ask yourself if there are areas you need to address and change in?

We grow through some of the painful experiences in our life.

I imagine that he is restless, and bored, and dissatisfied with everything right now.

I have known people with long marriages that found themselves where you are. They shook things up and bought his and her Harley's and joined a group that cycled together. They were the last people in the world I would have thought would do this. Another took up ballroom dancing. Others sold the house and have traveled the world together. Others have bought a historic house and completely renovated it complete with much researched period furnishings, etc. Others get into antique cars and going from place to place as a group and showing the cars. Others have joined a drama group, and act in local plays. Others bought a camper and move with a new group of friends that like to camp and socialize together, and meet at various campgrounds around the state. Another couple started taking gourmet cooking classes together and travel to some of them.

Anyhow, without knowing either of you, I would start by shaking things up a bit, and adding fun to your marriage. And shake up old stale roles and habits, and make your home and marriage something fresh...something to look forward to.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2007 at 8:54AM
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Sorry, The 4th sentence is somewhat disjointed, as I wrote that sentence and stuck it in there "after" I had written the whole thing, and forgot to proof read, before submitting, so it does not fit in with the first 3 sentences, or the 2nd paragraph, and sounds disjointed. Read it without the 4th sentence "Anyway look at what you can do" because it is awkward otherwise.

I hope something is a help in some way, as I read that it is your desire to try and save your marriage.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2007 at 1:29PM
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ClubM...How is it going?

I wrote my post hoping there is still a possibility for you to somehow turn this around and save your marriage. I imagine that several long term marriages go through seasons (especially when kids are almost grown, or have already left home) and these adult kids are in the midst of new love, full of promise, and smiles, etc. that can cause some to look at their own spouse, who is not so enamored with them anymore, that causes some to yearn to turn back the clock, or grow tired and restless of the same old life, and crave something to get excited about. Many overcome this restless stage and they take on a deeper caring for their spouse. Some don't make it, and end up remarried, with new or different problems.

You had wondered if there was someone else. He said no. Have you ever noticed that when a woman gets divorced, she loses weight, and starts dressing differently, looking really great, and she changes? Can you make some of those changes now, before you end up with another woman in the midst of your marriage, and your family?

If there is someone already, he must be calculating how much he will lose in a divorce. From finances, to friends/family, the house, and a life he spent years building, like his social circle, etc.

I wish you the best. Hang in there!

    Bookmark   December 5, 2007 at 6:39AM
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