Don't know why I am so very sad

lindakimyNovember 19, 2011

I just heard from my son that my ex is ill. We were divorced - not amicably - about 10 years ago. There has been a lot of water under that bridge.

But now I hear that my ex has spinal tumors, probably metastatic cancer, and I feel so sad about that. I would not want to live in the same state as this guy but I don't want him to have to go through anything like this. I wouldn't wish him pain or any of the other symptoms he has been having.

I don't want my children to have to see their father suffer either. As much as it makes me cringe when they go visit him, I would prefer that they do that to losing him.

Am I nuts?

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Aww ,no you are not nuts,your just human and a nice person,he is your kids dad and you did love him once.I would be the same and I actually really hate my kids dad.You would be pretty evil if you were happy with his illness.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2011 at 5:33AM
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Well, thank you tracystoke. I feel really weird posting about something like this here but, oddly I guess, I can't seem to talk with my (current) husband about it. Even though he was not around when I was married before he has become very irate about those earlier circumstances. I am sure he would not be pleased to think that there is any sympathy left in me for my ex. There has been so much anger and unpleasantness but now this has just let all the steam out of it for me.

And how odd...I reread what I posted. My divorce from him was actually final 20 years ago. And I left him three years before that. What an odd slip of the typing fingers that "10 years" was.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2011 at 5:59PM
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In some ways, I think it can be harder to lose someone when the relationship was bad than when it was good...

I'm thinking about how Hubby and I felt when his father died (estranged) versus when my mother died (we were very close). With my mother, we had so many happy memories to sustain us... Whenever I thought about her, I could always remember something wonderful and warm. I certainly still miss her, and think of her every day -- but it's with a sweetness and warmth. My FIL -- well, there, there are nothing but regrets and a sense that his life and his relationship with all his children (8 kids by 5 wives) was just a total mess. What a waste...

Does that make any sense?

Do you have any unfinished business with him that might benefit from an attempt to resolve it? Sometimes, that can make things easier for both people...

    Bookmark   November 21, 2011 at 2:04PM
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Thanks for your response, Sweeby. That is a very interesting point about whether the relationship was good or not. Generally, I think you are right about that. Odd, one would think the better relationship would be more sorrowfully mourned. But one also mourns the lost opportunities.

No, there is no unfinished business. I did everything I could have done to try to save that marriage. And I negotiated with him much longer than I had to in order to arrange issues with the children. There is nothing more I could have done. He has gone on with his life and so have I.

As it turns out, he is o.k. There was surgery which showed that there was no malignancy after all. The growths on his spine were removed and with therapy he should recover.

I am glad about that. But I am puzzled by how emotional my sadness felt. My relief doesn't feel that way at all. There are just a lot of practical reasons that it's good he will still be around.

It is very strange not to understand why I feel the way I do. I'm just glad the crisis is over.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2011 at 11:28PM
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No matter if you had a bad past, you still have history with that person. I think your feelings are totally justified, and shows that you are a compassionate, empathetic human being. In fact, if you DID NOT feel this way, I'd be worried.

Best wishes

    Bookmark   January 6, 2012 at 3:47PM
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