Gettting tired of waiting

lonelyin2007November 4, 2007

I have been married for 22 years and for 20 1/2 of those years there was intimacy 4 to 5 nights a week. Now there is none, no matter how hard I have tried to turn him on I get met with rejection and after 200 or 300 rejections I'm starting to grow weary. I just don't know what to do, he has talked to the doctor, he has tried all the meds and none of them work. He says he still loves me and is still deeply in love with me, but just is not interested in sex. Help I need it to help me relax and relieve stress. Any ideas or suggestions. I'm on the verge of an affair, even though that is not what I want to do.

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lonelyin2007 -

That seems so very strange. Wondering if DH sustained some kind of shock? It seems like a long time to be a certain way and suddenly change.

It makes no sense to me. Is he physically sick? Did he lose his job? Did one of his parents pass on? If you have kids, are they troubled? Stress with finances? These things can cause stress.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2007 at 12:13AM
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Have you changed, dear lonelyin2007 ?

Something must have changed in both your lives.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2007 at 12:38AM
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I have gained maybe 15 lbs. over the years, but he has gained about 30 or 35. We do have a 19 year old son that has given us alot of grief over the last several months which has caused us some financial problems. However, his problem started before these things even surfaced. He likes his job he recently got a promotion which he says is the one he has been working for for the last 19 years that he has been at this company. He is on blood pressure meds, but the doctor says the meds he is on should not cause this problem. I have really wondered if he is going through some sort of mid life crisis, he is 45. He says no that he still feels young, he camps and hunts and fishes with his friends and me. We have alot of fun together he just does not want anything to do with me sexually. I even have tried to just satisfy him with no strings attached the focus being totally him and nothing in it for me, but I still get rejected every time. I'm really starting to feel self conscience about myself wondering if there is something wrong with me. He won't even snuggle with me we sit on opposite ends of the couch which is where I also sleep.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2007 at 7:10AM
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Something happened. He knows it, too. Have little doubt this can be corrected. Get another doctor. And/or get him to acknowledge whatever may be hidden. Not sure what's the basis, but something's being missed. Suspect he knows more than he's saying.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2007 at 2:43PM
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asolo nailed it! It's not about your gaining 15 pounds or your son's shenanigans. Time to stop being quite so nice! Tell your husband he needs to come clean NOW. You are both in this marriage - how would he deal if you suddenly shunned his affections?

My guess is it's either another person or drugs. Yes, drugs. It happens to nice middle class people, too.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2007 at 4:01PM
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Yes, stop being so nice about it all. Its now fair on you, you need some answers. Things must improve or else......

Are you not sleeping in the same bed at night, you said you are sleeping on the couch ?

    Bookmark   November 5, 2007 at 4:41PM
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Are you sure he isnt having an affair? I know it's not what you want to think about...but if he's getting it from somewhere else then of course he'd say he just "isnt interested".
Although men's testosterone levels do drop as they age...if the doctor says he's fine though....I dont know?

    Bookmark   November 6, 2007 at 2:27AM
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Did you personally get the doctor's report or did your husband tell you that is what the Dr. said? Try another doctor. He may have some real reason for lack of sex, but lack of affection is a red flag, assuming he was an affectionate husband before.

And get back into the marriage bed - nothing can happen with the two of you in different rooms.

    Bookmark   November 6, 2007 at 2:51PM
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Hi -

I am thinking along the same lines as scarlett's post. It seems rather odd for affection to cease after such a long history of it being otherwise. Quite a contrast.

If DH was hooked on drugs it would have gotten rather expensive prior to this point. Have you noticed that the bills are not being paid?

If it was another person, and it was still going on, he would have to be doing it during work hours or lunch time cause you say he doesn't go out.

If he had another person and it is now over, he might be feeling guilt, remorse, sadness over the loss? Possibilities that could interfere with initimacy between you.

Another thought. If DH had an affair and now it is over but caught an STD of some kind. If it is herpes, then he runs the risk of transferring it to you and now avoids intimacy.

I pretty much exist within the context of a sexless marriage (off and on) for a very long time.

I can recall thinking all the things you do about why the marriage evolved into what it is. However, your marriage always had intimacy prior to this time.

I use to think all sorts of things (as you are) as being the reason. However, it turned out not to be true.

That is why I am warning you that without proof or a direct response from your DH, every and anything that presents itself as a reason is nothing more than supposition. You will go crazy from it.

I'm wondering, if DH and you had a comfortable sex life in the past, and there was mutual appreciation for it, and it were to suddenly and abruptly stop, then Why wouldn't DH address it himself? He should be upset over it and experience it as a loss. After all, an important part of your life just blew out the window. I would also think that couples who experience mutual satisfaction in the intimacy area would be very communicative and confident with each other. The situation you are in mystifies me.

I hope it all turns out ok.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 1:09AM
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I really don't think that my hubby is or has had an affair. We have talked about it many times. He is a total loss as to why this is happening to him. I have spoken to his best friend who assures me that nothing like that is or has taken place. I have also flat out asked hubby straight out if he is having a affair and he did not get upset or defensive he simple told me that he would never dream of it because he loves me to much, and does not want to lose me or his family. It is just like he has a switch that has been turned off. And you know maybe Scarlett2001 is right. I really had not thought of it this way but maybe by me sleeping on the couch, he thinks I'm having an affair, but I'm not. You know though it does feel good to talk about my feelings. unfortunately our insurance is not that great and I sure can't afford to go to counseling. Thanks everyone for listening.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 2:12PM
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"And get back into the marriage bed - nothing can happen with the two of you in different rooms".

Well, except maybe an STD!!!

Anyway, I'm still in the "I think he either is or could have had an affair" court. Do you have any idea how many men will admit to having an affair when asked by their wife? ...None, that's NONE! Why do you think he'd be an exception and tell you? Your conversation with him proved nothing except to let him know you may be on to him.

Is he working more/ later hours with is new position (which could have also introduced him to new people?). Are you always present on these camping and fishing trips?

It may not be an affair. And I know guys may settle down or have problems at times. So, not being able to perform is one thing; but overnight straight out rejection seems to me that it's something mental going on, and not just physical or linked to medicines. I'm sure you've had sex when you weren't excatly in the mood; why can't he?

The easy fall back for men that age, is of course, depression. Maybe that new job isn't all that and he is worried about finances. I wouldn't think his sex problem would appear overnight though. Who knows. Good luck, nonetheless.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 4:55PM
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Just a follow-up. I have been totally cold hearted lately, and I feel bad about it. However, last night He finally made a move, but then when we got started he lost his Mo-Jo. He says that his mind is just racing constantly and he can not concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes. I have called the doctor AGAIN and he is going to change his anti-depressants and up the dose. So, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. I am so tired with my life right now that I would like to run away, but I just can't do that I love my hubby and family too much! Wish us luck.

    Bookmark   November 26, 2007 at 4:58PM
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    Bookmark   November 26, 2007 at 5:57PM
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Anti-depressants are notorious for making people lose their sex drives.If he is on them,I really doubt it is somthing he can control.Talking to the doctor is the best move at this point.Perhaps he can try something different that has a lower occurance of sexual side effects.
Do you know what it is he is taking right now? I bet if you read the insert it would say under side effects that it effects sex drive.

    Bookmark   November 26, 2007 at 6:49PM
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There is a problem, you just don't know what it is. (Maybe your husband doesn't either) Ignoring it isn't good. Doctors proceed to a diagnosis by eliminating possibilities, one by one. You have to do that.

What anti depressants is he taking? Why is he taking them? Usually they should be given along with counseling. Does he have a history of depression? Check all his medication by googling it and reading the side effects. See if he is taking two medications that produce an unusual effect together. Once you have checked that--
Take a look at whether any close friends or relatives of his have died. That can have a major effect on anyone. --If thats not the cause--
Make sure that he has been tested and he doesn't have some medical issue--prostate maybe. If thats not it--
You aren't supposed to be aware if your husband is having an affair unless he is a careless & complete idiot. Thats why they are called "secret affairs". Look at his cell phone bills, check the trunk of his car, and the glove compartment, look at the credit card bills. Pull both of your credit reports and look to see if a new address (like a P.O. box )is listed anywhere on his. Then check to see if there are credit cards you never heard of before. No need to make a big deal of this --just do it. It can take you three hours to do all of this and then you can eliminate the possibility of it being an affair.
If he wants to take out an equity line on the house & buy a new convertible then it should be obvious its not a physical problem.
Or consider the possibility that it is all of the above.

    Bookmark   November 26, 2007 at 6:52PM
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None of the things that you mentioned marge727 are happening. I have already checked it all out and there is absolutely nothing like that to suggest an affair. Lexapro, I have been doing some research on it and we think it may be a source of his problem. I have read many stories and almost every one of them are reporting the same symptoms. ED, racing thoughts, loss of concentration, tiredness, achy muscles, major weight gain, the whole works. We had asked the doctor about it and he said that those things were rare, and he didn't think that was hubby's problem, but that is what has been happening to him. So, he is weaning off of them and we are going to try some herbal remedies for stress. we are going to do it together. Wish us luck, we both just want back our marriage the way it was before all this started a year ago which is about the time he started taking Lexapro.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2007 at 10:50AM
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lonelyin2007, it sounds like there are a number of things working against your hubby with meds, stress. I can tell you that my husband had a great career advancement a few years ago and our sex life has never been the same since. He's still very affectionate with hugs and kisses, but the frequncy of sex really dropped. He loves his job, but he's definitely more stressed, works much more at home than he used to and sometimes just can't sleep due to thinking over work issues. And doctors can be just plain wrong. If timing of meds coincides with other issues then you're right to listen to your gut. I say just be supportive. I can tell you I've never been turned on by a man that was angry if we didn't have sex, it just drove me further away. But it sounds like you are already really doing a great job of being supportive and trying to help him figure this out. Good luck to you both.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2007 at 1:58PM
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His doctor was wrong to dismiss the drug as being the problem like that.While all drugs effect people differently,it is not AT ALL considered RARE in anyway for anti-depressants to cause lack of sexual desire/interest/problems. I'm glad you have been doing some research of your own on it.Anti-depressants are powerful drugs and some docs hand them out like candy these days.
I think him weaning off is a good choice.At least after a few months if nothing has changed you will be able to rule it out as a possible thing causing his problems.

I was on Prozac and it gave me NO SEX DRIVE WHATSOEVER.
There is even a SEX AND THE CITY episode where Charlotte is dating this guy on Prozac and he "cant get it up" because he says it takes the air out of his tires.

The first month maybe hard on him while weaning off (I've heard people on PAXIL have the most problems and even go through withdrawl symptoms)
Things to help naturally while going through this are also:

Doing some light exersice.Anything to get him moving will help increase his feel good hormones.
Getting enough sleep.
Refraining from stressful events and having more quiet time like reading a book.
Eating foods high in Omega fatty acids (which naturally reduce depression)like SALMON.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing,wish you both the best.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 1:45AM
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Lexapro!!! I am convinced that it has been our culprit. We had asked the doctor and said that the symptoms my hubby had been experiencing was not from the lexapro. Well, I did extensive research and behold I found a website with a forum about it and many, many people who had taken lexapro had experienced the same type of things. It also said that you should wean off of them and be careful because it could cause withdraw. Well, I called the doctor because he had taken his last one that same morning and the doctor assured me that there was no need for weaning off them that hubby would be fine to just stopped taking them. That was last Tuesday. On Wednesday evening hubby was not feeling to well, and by Saturday he was in full blown withdraw.(he had been on them for almost a year) He had the shakes, sweating, flu like symptoms, and told me he wished he was dead that we all would be better off without his worthless a#@! I was scared but he refused to go to the ER so I laid in bed with him and just held him and listened to him babble on and on. I laid there with him for hours until he finally fell asleep. (I then went and hid his gun) On Sunday he felt awful and was on the couch all day. He still felt bad on Monday and had to leave work early and come home. It was not until Yesterday that he finally started feeling better. His bloaty look has started to subside a little and he has been very loving. And he has very supportive of me with some things that I am going thru with my work. He has been telling me that he loves me. I have gotten back into our bed and we both have slept very well the last few nights. There still has not been any sex but there is cuddling and a great deal of appreciation shown this past week. So, there is no pressure I (we) will just take it a day at a time. Thanks for listening and especially to those that suggested that it could be his meds, because I had thought that but we had just taken the doctors word. Never again will it just be the doctors word if I feel there is a problem you can bet I will be on the internet doing research!!!!

    Bookmark   December 7, 2007 at 2:24PM
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Glad to hear things in your relationship are better lonely!

Sounds like you need a new doctor! I have come to learn from my own exprience not to trust ALL doctors.There are good ones and bad ones just like in any profession.

Certainly any doctor who doesnt listen to you or take you seriously is not good.

Sounds like you and your Dh are already getting closer.I'm really happy for you both.Please keep us updated :)

    Bookmark   December 7, 2007 at 4:54PM
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" need a new doctor"

Ditto plasticgarden. This doctor isn't listening -- isn't responding rationally, from what you've reported. Doctors -- like most folks -- can be dense. Find one that isn't!

    Bookmark   December 7, 2007 at 6:47PM
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Well, not all is well on this home front. Hubby wants to move out but is going to wait until the first of the year. Says he has a major drinking problem and it is all my fault and that he has not been happy for the last 10 years. Says it's my fault that our son has all the problems that he has and I should just tell him to stay away form us. Even though he is not here much. It's either get rid of my son or he is gone now. Well, sorry folks but my soul and heart are crushed and after this last year of hell, I told him not to let the door hit him where god split him. I have had enough too. Says he is worrying himself and drinking himself to death and it is my fault. I don't remember ever holding him down and pouring that alcohol down his throat. My fault, My fault, My fault. because I won't change. Says I have made our kids hate him, well let's see he is the one that has been tired, (drunk) for the 15 years. But that is my fault!!! I make him drink I drive him to drink. I'm soooooo done. I'm tired of waiting for him to pull out of it. I must move on and do better for myself and my kids. I'm just so tired of waiting. I'm just so tired.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2007 at 11:34PM
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I'm thinking his mood may have something to do with coming off the Lexapro... If he was on that long and didn't wean off, he may have some problems (both physical and mental - at least I would guess) for a while. Can you ask a new doc? His drinking sounds again like a depression thing. Obviously, not your fault. Have they tried a new anti-depressant on him...maybe that is even causing the problem??? Some can make problems/depression worse.

I guess I'm just not understanding for sure what is going on. Just a month ago, he was deeply in love with you and just not in the mood for sex... I took it he thought the marriage was fine as is, and that your post was about your feelings about not having sex, not his negativity about the marriage.... what has changed his mood so drastically to make him so totally unhappy with the marriage... Uncontrolled depression, side effects from medication, or maybe (still not ruling it out) an affair. Something's going on.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2007 at 12:03AM
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I know Carla35, I just can't ever seem to get anything right no matter what I do it is not good enough. I will not abandon my son and he seems to think that I can just tell him to go away and forget about him. Well, he is the one that is going away. I have put up with his crap for too long. His mood swings have been for years. We are having some financial problems that I brought on and I have already taken full responsibility for that. If I am at fault of something I will be the first to stand up and say "I'm wrong, I made a mistake, I'm sorry." I have did that for many things but I will not do that for his drinking !!!!! His kids hate him because he made them feel that way all by his self. He has never been a very good dad because he has always been a very self centered selfish individual. I am on the other hand, exactly the opposite. I will help someone that is in trouble, I will share my food with someone if they are hungry, I will give someone my last dime if they need it. That is just the way I am. He will literally hide our leftovers if someone shows up at our house at dinner
time. He gets mad if I give our son a ride somewhere. He calls his brother a pussy because he has quit drinking and is now a family man. He just doesn't understand why he would do that. DUH. I only wish I would have seen him for who he is years ago then I would not be so heart broken now. Like I said in the previous post I'm tired of his jeckle and hide personality and I deserve better than that. I am a good person and I did NOT (make) him drink. He was a drinker back in his teens. If only I would have know then what I know now. I'm tired and I'm done with it all. It is pretty bad that I feel a rush of relief that I did not have to make the decision. He made it instead now I don't have to be the bad guy in the eyes of his family. His dad even told me here while back that I was the one that made him start drinking. He is an A~~~~hole too. My hubby is just like his dad so I guess the old saying that the apple doesn't fall far from the fence is quite true. I have my faults but I'm not a bad person. I do not drink or do drugs, I work hard, and I am proud of my kids. I also used to be proud of my hubby, but here lately I only feel embarrassed because of his heartless actions toward other people including our kids and our families. I DESERVE BETTER !!!!! Thanks to all for letting me vent, I just feel numb and feel sick to my stomach 22 years I have lost and can never get it back.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2007 at 7:35AM
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Lonely,no wonder he never wanted sex if he was drinking and taking anti-depressants! You really arent supposed to mix those two things at all.
I had two drinks on Prozac once and was practically comatose.

That is neither here or there though with the recent events.
Seems like he was just using the anti-depressants as an excuse.
He sounds like an alcoholic...and as alcoholics and drug addicts are famous for,they always try to place the blame on everything except the real problem which is ~THE DRINKING.
Why does he have such a problem with your son? I'm sure the other kids will know who is responsible for their bad relationship with their dad,and it certainly is not you.

Maybe he is doing you a favor.Doesnt sound like he is giving you what you need either.He puts the blame on you to take away from himself.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2007 at 5:21PM
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He may be doing me a favor, but I'm scared. I started going with him when I was 14. all through high school, Graduated in June of 85, turned 18 in July, and was married to him in Sept 85. I have never been alone have never lived in my own place and have never had to be totally on my own before. I am now 40. I can't wait to get away from the hassle of dealing with him, but I am really scared of the thought.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2007 at 11:31PM
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I cant blame you for being scared...You stayed because it was familiar.
You should surround yourself with your friends and family.Get some counseling.
Figure out who you are without him.They say thirty is the new twenty,so fourty is still young!

My mom was the same as you.She was never alone before.Now she loves it so much,she isnt sure she wants to get married again! And she's in her fifties.Her husband left her this summer (and he was also a big drinker)
You'd be surprised how once all those insults are no longer being thrown at you all the time how much better you feel.
Do you have any family who can help you through this? A sister or maybe your mom?

    Bookmark   December 12, 2007 at 12:45AM
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Yes Plasticgarden I do have a very close knit family and they all are very supportive it just still doesn't make it easy for me. I know they will all be there every step of the way. I am just so heartbroken and scared I don't even know how to express it. He is or was the love of my life and still would be if he would just quit drinking. I just can't handle the drinking anymore and it just breaks my heart so bad. I just need a good cry but can't even find the time to be alone to do so.

    Bookmark   December 12, 2007 at 11:20AM
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Don't be scared. Just do what needs doing. IMHO women just begin becoming really worthwhile at 40. You're in your prime and don't even know it. Sure it's new/different...and you'll probably love it. The rest of your life awaits. No sense spending it with the fellow you've described. You may be surprised to learn how many among your friends/family wonder why you waited so long.

    Bookmark   December 12, 2007 at 11:39AM
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I am sorry to hear that your marriage is not working, but believe me it is not scary out there. There are a lot of single women out there and 40 is nothing. I am 41 and feel pretty young. When i turned 40 my aunt told me: 40 is when life trully starts, no worries about fitting in or other stupid stuff.

And as about being single there is a lot to enjoy being single.

As about drinking, my BF drinks too much by my standards(ask me why I do not leave) and I know how you feel. Did you try Al-Aanon? They might help you to get through this. You'll be just fine. Life just starts.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2007 at 10:46PM
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You're my age OP! At 40 you can still have a lot of fun and you still have many years to set up your retirement. I think sooner is better than later to divorce if things haven't changed for so long. Take care of yourself and your kids. You're still young, good luck!

    Bookmark   December 14, 2007 at 4:19PM
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