34 weeks pregnant; so unhappy with husband

jjaymoNovember 23, 2007

This will sound like a case of pregnancy woes..and don't get me wrong, I'm going through the exteme emotions with the horomonal aspect. However, I wonder if my marriage is really the trigger for my emotions. I'm 34 weeks along, this the second pregnancy, I have a 4 yr old daughter. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. Although I'm not myself, and we have not had sex since conception of this baby (well, we tried a couple times during the early stages of the pregnancy, but it was too uncomfortable for me) and the romance is not there...and this is all normal. My husband? He doesn't seem to get it and understand at all. He breaks my heart every day. Doesn't ask me how I'm doing, doesn't seem to want to be near me, doesn't ask to help me with things...I have to ask him and yet he KNOWS how difficult it is for me to ask someone to help. He's been really difficult to be around. This pregancy is not going to be a good memory in the future. I will want to forget the pregnancy, unlike my first..which was wonderful. He was so sweet to me, so loving..and get this. We weren't doing well at all before that pregnancy..we were on the outs actually, I was leaving him. But little did I know I was carrying our first child. So when we learned we were pregnant, we gave it another chance. It was wonderful. We didn't have sex through that pregnancy either, nor was I myself either...but if I got upset, he was right there. He even helped me up the stairs when I hit the 8 month mark.

Well this time, is really aweful. He even yelled at me the first time I broke down and cried because I couldn't move around the house fast enough to pick up before some of our friends came to visit...he said "Snap out of it!" and not in a fun loving way...it was real yelling. I don't like saying this, but he is making it very difficult to love him anymore. I cry over this every night now as I always go to bed alone and exhausted. Does anybody else know what this is like? Are there others our there that are going through the same thing? I even wonder if my husband really wanted us to have another baby...even after we both agreed we wanted one more child. Please, someone out there tell me if they know what this feels like and share with me.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Perhaps your husband is feeling more hurt by your rejection of sex this time around.Not making excuses for him,but all that pent up testosterone makes men nuts sometimes!
I'm curious as to why sex is a no for you just because you are pregnant,unless it is a health issue.It doesnt hurt the baby,and there are ways of doing it so it will be less uncomfortable for you.
But if your really dont want to have sex,maybe you could just "concentrate on him" once in a while.

People are often shocked how much sex really effects their relationships.
Personally,my own husband and I get irratated with each other more easily if it has been too long.Sex re-bonds us like NOTHING ELSE CAN.

I'm just trying to get you see it from his view.
The first time it was new and exciting,which is maybe why he seemed so much nicer.
Now you have a four year old,hubby is going to go 9 months without sex,plus at least an additional 6 weeks without sex after the baby is born(who knows how much longer then that because sex is MORE uncomfortable AFTER having a baby if you ask me)Plus the added finacial burden...
so maybe he is just wondering what he is getting out of this right now.
Once he sees that child,of course his feelings will change.
Right now though,maybe he is feeling like the child who isnt getting any attention so he's grumpy :)

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad.May I suggest the book THE GIRLFRIEND'S GUIDE TO PREGNANCY BY VICKI IOVINE.
If nothing else it may help cheer you up because it is quite funny.
Just know that it wont be like this forever!

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 5:11AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Have you talked to him about this? Maybe if you write your post as a letter to him and add, I can tell you're unhappy, and I'm unhappy too. I'm not enjoying being unhappy, are you? How can we fix this? Do you want to fix this?
But it may be that he has thought his life over, and wants out. How do you feel about that?

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 5:24AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Is something else going on?
job troubles, tension in his side of the family, etc?

Take that into consideration, but do tell him what you've told us:

You're expecting a child, you need some help, & you aren't getting the loving support that you need & that he gave you before.

I wish you the very best.

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 11:47AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"I have to ask him and yet he KNOWS how difficult it is for me to ask someone to help."

This statement sounds like, to me, that you are blaming him for "forcing" you to ask him for help.

You sound like a person who feels sorry for yourself. Perhaps you have got yourself into a cycle of blaming him for your misery. You probably feel tired, worried and apprehensive about what is ahead of you. You already have a child, and probably wonder how you will cope with a baby as well, particularly when your husband does not seem very co-operative. Lets face it, as mothers, we NEED heaps of help during this time in our lives.

I would say to you that you must start thinking of how you can improve your attitude to this situation. Think about how you can change your thinking, as a person who blames, into a person who is content, happy, hopeful and loving. You can do this by flooding your mind with positive thoughts. This takes skill in recognising a negative thought, and changing it into a positive thought or action.

Let go of the anger and frustration you feel for your DH.

Talk to him in a non-confrontational way, saying how you FEEL. Make "I" statements.

Your children need parents who are focusing on the job, who are willing to take on the responsibility of being effective parents. Ask you DH to assist you in working as a team. Dispense with the sniping and fighting.

Your homelife will improve, with a little bit of lateral thinking, on your part. You are a woman, you can do anything, remember that, say that to yourself !

I wish you well.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2007 at 4:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

most of these women on here havnt a clue what u are goin through.my partner is the same,also breaks my heart.these women must have good loving husbands they obviously dont understand.they keep on about the sex thing.would they have sex with a unloving, unaffectionate,unhelpful,cold selfish man.i dont think so.pregnancy is so tiring anyway,but your husband is draing you of wha energy you have left,what works for me is ,i pretend his ways arnt bothering me,start acting confident and pretend you really couldnt care less about him anymore,dont do sod all for him,i mean nothing,not untill he shows u some respect,tell him as soon as the baby is born you are gonna get on your feet and leave him or have an affair,because you deserve to be loved,you will never truly be happy with this man,be strong,concentrate on yourself,not him,my baby is also due in six weeks time,so i know how you are feeling.good luck

    Bookmark   March 24, 2008 at 5:11AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

tracystoke, I understand (as I am sure many of the others do too) what you are going through. And yet, as you know it comes down to what you want for your children. You do nothing for your husband, to punish him for his failure to be who you need for him to be. You write of leaving him, or having an affair, which I imagine will end the marriage if you betray your husband (and children), in such a way, and you will lose the respect of others. There will be those who will say that the marriage failed because you cheated on your husband. So, since in your mind, you are planning on leaving him, I would suggest you first spend hours reading the step-parent forum, going back a few years. And really, really think about if this is what you want for your children, and for yourself. Another woman in the midst of it all, parenting "your" children. Because that is the direction you are heading.

There is another choice. And that is to get someone to watch your child(ren) and take your husband to weekend marriage seminars, and counseling, so that your husband will "hear" from others what is expected of a married man, and his role as a "father" in the lives of his children, from others, besides you.

Hearing that from a spouse, sounds like nagging, and is easily dismissed. But hearing it from other people, may bring about the change you desperately need, and help make him into the man you need him to become.

The direction you are heading will bring new problems you have not even contemplated, should your marriage end, and he re-marries someone else, or even has a girlfriend living with him who has the role of a mother to your children.

Try and go back and rebuild your marriage. It can be done. It is work, and know that many others have had to do this, as they have struggled to build a loving relationship with someone they were deeply angry at. The reward is an intact family without the complications of step parents, and step sibblings, and all that entails.

I wish you well on this journey called life.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2008 at 10:45AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My mother once gave me a wonderful piece of advice when I was so angry (rightfully) that I did something drastic and broke my engagement. She asked me if I thought I was placing my pride ahead of my happimess -- and I realized she was right. I had a right to be angry and disapointed -- but it wasn't worth throwing away the man I loved.

From what you've written, it sounds like you're doing the same thing, and that you might be better off swallowing your pride, apologizing to your husband for your part in the standoff, and then giving him what he needs before you ask him to give you what you need.

As Plasticgarden said in the original thread so long ago, some men go absolutely nuts when they aren't getting regular sex -- I call it "testosterone poisoning", and I'm betting it's a real part of the problem.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2008 at 4:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

If your man is worthless, then throw him away.

I threw away a lousy husband once too. (A lousy husband who was handsome and wealthy and did not interfere with my independence at all, but who was verbally abusive.) But the one I married the second time around is a knight in shining armor who treats me like a queen and always considers my needs. We work together as a team, and regularly and willingly apologize to one another when feelings get hurt. And a man like that - even though he has made a few mistakes - is worth taking care of. Because he takes care of me too. Life is team project, and we're on the same team.

A really good man is worth making some sacrifices for, as is a really good woman.
Doesn't sound like your marriage has either.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2008 at 11:14AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Well sure we have our own minds.

It makes sense to work as a team, you both end up getting what you want out of life.

Family is important, stable parents are the best environment for the children.

It takes great wisdom to know when its time to move on, and that team work is not going to work.

Ask yourself how YOU can improve the situation.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2008 at 6:18PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

We surely have a mind of our own, and self respect, but we are old enough to understand the long term ramifications to divorce or an affair "when children are involved". Again, spend a few hours on the step parent forum, and you may begin to grasp that the direction you are headed is not going to be free of its own problems. If you choose to leave your man, you will discover just how exhausting it is to care for a baby, and go get a job to be able to live, and yet be up all night with a baby, with no one to help. Not an easy thing to do on your own. You will begin to appreciate the value of "an extra set of hands" that loves that baby as much as you do. And if he is really as awful as you imply, I imagine it will be very difficult to drop off your beloved baby at "his place" for the weekend, for his visitation. Unless he has no desire to be a part of his babies life if you divorce, then you (assuming you are married) will be required by law to send your child to his place for visitation. Does the law require visitation for babies?

Unless you have family that will help you out with your beautiful child, it will be harder than you probably imagine to try and go it alone.

It would be so much easier for you and your child if you have family to help, and so much better if you could somehow get your man on your team to help you out. Is there anyone who he respects that could talk to him and help him to understand what you need, and his role here?

I understand your desire to leave, but you are going to need help.

I am surprised at your responses, by the way. I imagine it is not what you want to hear, but I would be lying to you if I told you that you were right, and you don't need him, and I would really be lying if I agreed with you that an affair was a good idea, because it is not. It will only make a bad situation worse.

I understand that you are angry at him, and believe that you don't need him. And if you have family, maybe you don't. But if you are without the help of family, you are going to need help from someone. Daycare is expensive, and if you are going to have to work, with little sleep from caring for a baby, you are going to need help. Give yourself a date in your mind, like 6 months or a year, or two, and re-look at your situation then. Most people change after having a baby. It is a life changing experience. I wish you good things. Hang in there

    Bookmark   March 25, 2008 at 7:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I don't think anyone on this forum believes that if you are truly miserable with your partner, that you should not change it. You are right, life is short. But you sound like a troll on this board. Downright nasty, never responding to any of the legitimate points made, and simply attacking anyone who responds, with your rude, nasty comments as any common troll would. I am not a catholic, and I have no idea what a summit is. Since you have an exceptionally good family that lives a few doors away, than what is stopping you? Hopefully he is a decent father, because if he is the father of your children, than you will be required by law to hand them over for visitation, if he desires it. And hopefully, whatever woman he ends up with is a decent woman with a positive influence in the lives of the wonderful, purely fantastic children you have. If they are not his kids, or he has little interest in being a father, than you and your family will probably do just dandy raising them. If he is, hopefully he chooses his women well, since they will be step mom to your children.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2008 at 6:46AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I feel badly reading your email. It's not a good feeling when you so need help and the person you love doesn't recognize it and react. There are probably parts of you that resent your husband right now that he's not reacting to the situation, that he's not stepping up to the plate, especially since you know he is capable of doing so. I am sure that's frustrating and hurtful - and hard to get past. I am a person that has trouble asking for help and when I do, I expect the person to react. The resentment I feel just having to ask, I can't quite explain. Admittedly for me, I expect my husband to be a mind reader. But the reality is, I know another person can't be that "gifted" but in my mind, I know I have felt this way. Some times guys just don't get it. And they literally need it spelt out for them, which sometimes in my mind X's out the good that they do b/c I had to ASK for it.

I agree whole heartedly with that advice on communication. As hard as it is to admit when you need some help ... and as hard as it is to say the you are hurting - you need to do it. BUT how you do it is key. In a screaming argument, isn't the best of times for someone to really listen to you (I know from experience). But I think with your situation, some actions might need to take place before a real conversation can happen where there is a positive connection for both of you.

Now, having said all of the above, I hope you realize that I do understand where you are coming from. However, I'm in a different boat (feeling more and more like I'm on my own island as I can't find ANYONE out there feeling the same feelings I do) ... my situation is opposite. My husband is very helpful and doing all the right things on a daily basis with helping around the house. This is our first. We haven't been intimate since I told him we were pregnant. As much as I love him ... it hurts a lot not having that connection. It just doesn't "feel right" ... it really makes me sad. I'm sure there are a bazillion reasons why we don't -- tired, working too much, etc. But I feel myself making comments, not nice ones, and part of it I can't explain. I do get mad at myself and try to figure out where this "mean streak" comes from b/c I'm really not a mean person by nature. It's like this underlying frustration I feel ... I hate it. I hate the lack of connection ... and I hate how I react to that. Even when my husband does something nice for me, at some point I'm making a comment about something, critizing him. He's left feeling hurt, I'm sure and frustrated and definitely not wanting to be intimate with someone like that. And I'm left feeling frustrated and feeling terrible about myself for reacting that way.

Sex truly is a big piece of a relationship. Sometimes it's used in horrible ways, keeping it from someone as leverage ... I don't believe that's the case with me. But it does feel like I'm being punished, though I know he doesn't mean it. I've talked to him about it -- I remind him how long it's been. I'll even mention that I'm in the mood ... or call him at work and try to say something flirty. We come home from work and nothing ... sometimes I think it's because I'm not the best wife, i.e. my picky comments and I admit I'm not the best housewife. I could be better organized ... I'm definitely not one of those girls that does the cooking every night (he mainly does but sometimes we share) and I don't go ironing his shirts for work. That's not how our relationship has been. I work two jobs so I'm gone more hours during the week than he is.

I guess I'm trying to get you to see the perspective on the other side. I guarantee if your husband knew how much he was hurting you, he'd hate it. I know I do. I may not say that to my husband, but I do hate when I'm mean.

though I like the idea of going away for a weekend with marriage counseling, that might be tough depending on your guy. If he's up for that, you have a HUGE bonus as not many are open to that. If he'd be willing to do that then absolutely go for that. If that would be too much, I think you should clear an afternoon and evening. If someone could take your 4 year old for an overnight that would be perfect. Plan something that you used to do before any children - whether it's a restaurant you used to go to or whatever ... something that brings that connection back to when you first got together. The key here is to communicate what you are planning, meaning say to your husband, "I am planning something special for next week"
For the dinner or activity, just enjoy each other. Avoid talking about work, bills, household stuff ... put yourself in a good frame of mind, i.e. focus on fun things - focus on things you used to do -- things you used to find fun together -- then, this one might be hard but focus on 3 things that you love about your husband (again keeping out the negative, they do have a way of creeping in). Bring up these good times, reminisce about them together. Then slip in, "oh I love how you did this or that" .... thinking if you're anything like me, that's going to be hard but force yourself to do it at least 3 times. BUT catch is, you CAN NOT follow it up with, but you don't do that anymore, or why don't you do that anymore (again, something I've learned/still do and it's counterproductive).

Be the first to reach your hand out to his. I know, it might be hard especially since how you have been feeling. BUT this is a reminiscing night, you're focusing on the ONLY POSITIVE things in the past that brought you together, and the things you love about him. I'm pretty confident you can focus on 3 things to get yourself to reach your hand out and grab his.

I'm not sure your reasons for not being able to have sex. If it's a health thing that you can't then of course, that is off limits. BUT if it's uncomfortable, possibly there is something else you could try, i.e. another position or "other"things to try. I think the key here for you to communicate that it feels uncomfortable BUT that you think having a physical connection is important and you are willing to be "creative" if he is willing to be patient ... let him know that you can't guarantee anything but that you'd like to try.

I'm hopeful that after an evening of connecting with your husband at a basic level that you will get some "feel good" feelings and genuinely want that physical connection yourself.

Again, hard part -- keep your mind focused on positive, no matter what.

Reality is, you don't want a divorce ... you don't want to lose your husband when you have two children with him. You want the husband you had earlier. I believe you can get there ... but it'll take effort on your part. Relationship are all about the give and take ... right now, it might feel like you are giving a lot by doing something like this. But put that aside, because if it works, the feelings you'll receive in return will far outweigh the effort you put in.

best of luck to you ....

    Bookmark   May 3, 2009 at 9:37AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

This situation is an absolute bummer. I empathize for all women in this position. Give it time, and start asking for what you want and need! You do deserve it! Do daily affirmations ... look up vids by Louise Hay... Go on YouTube and go through some assertiveness videos... or take a class! I hope it worked out for you!

This may be a little off topic, but it's worth considering. I went through this and I dumped mine, although in addition to the lack of concern & interest in me, I found out he was having an affair. I left while I was pregnant, I was so devastated emotionally. I tried to find another hubby, but that proved to be difficult for various reasons. Yes, you won't find a good guy as long as you stay with a bad one, but, leaving the bad one does not guarantee that you'll find a good one, not that it's impossible. But, really, the most important thing is the welfare of your two children. Not a new relationship!

After I left, my X spent the first 5 years of our 2nd child's life, attacking me legally in court. This does not make a single mother with 2 kids attractive to very many good men, although, not impossible. As a mother of a new born with another child, being told by the father that, "I have money and you don't so I don't care if we have to go to the judge." in order to get his way about everything, was pretty much like being punched in the face... and I assure you, I was not interfering with visitation, I was not demanding ridiculous amounts of money (he was making 20,000 per month and I agreed to 1200 a month... so I don't feel this was too high a number for him) I was actually encouraging daily visits, was allowing for every other weekend after 6 months and all kinds of other stuff... but he would not agree to anything I wanted, just to spite me, as far as I can tell ... it was all about his ownership of the children ... he treated me like I had no say in my own childrens life ... and everything was about his rights ... and everything I wanted was not in the childrens best interest, he would tell me ... it was just impossible and so frustrating and frightening.

There are many ways to beat a woman down and every country has their legal ways, some countries it's fine to beat the mother of your children and in other countries you can just constantly threaten her with court action ... definitely preferrable to physical beating, but it's just simply painful and terrifying. I just came across a website about how a man can win custody and they are encouraging men to "stress" women out with the financial strain and stress that goes along with legal action to get it. I just think this is a sick tactic for fathers to use on mothers of newborns especially.

The bottom line is that if a man is very insensitive to you within the relationship, he may very well turn out to be WAY insensitive after the split up. This is just a suggestion to be careful.

A few of my friends were considering leaving their husbands and I suggested they do an in house divorce until their children are older to avoid the nightmare situation of custody and divorce battles ... plus, once you've unplugged from someone, it is somehow easier to do what is right ... logic prevails over emotion. And the instability of the kids going back and forth all the time. It's hard to stay in the home with someone you are divorced with mentally, but it's often a lot harder on everyone and the children when you are living apart! Obviously, if a man is overly controlling or dangerous and threatening, get out of there.

Women who have serious, hardworking career husbands who seem happy to have Mom do the work, are probably less likely to put the mother through the terrifying custody fight and children are less likely to suffer, in my opinion.

Life is all risk. There are no guarantees, but when you have small children, sometimes you just don't get to have the happy family situation and you simply must be strong and just accept it.

If you leave and if he becomes an absent Dad or does not pay support... thank your lucky stars, because you do not want to go through the nightmare I went through! I wish that had been my experience. And I don't think my children would have suffered. I think they suffered more, because of their father.

I sincerely hope the best for all you mothers out there who are going through something like this.

    Bookmark   July 12, 2011 at 2:27PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

wonder what has happen since poster first wrote in 2007...her child is around 3 1/2...

    Bookmark   July 15, 2011 at 9:34PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I hope u fixed your problems, I h the same problem and I'm still 8 week, I truly wonder what will happen when I'm 34w & need more support

    Bookmark   February 24, 2012 at 3:06AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Why do these OLD posts keep showing up? The last comment was made three years ago, so without new activity, why did it suddenly appear at the top of the forum list??

    Bookmark   March 2, 2015 at 1:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Because spammers drag them up, and I report the spam, which gets deleted but leaves the old post up.

2 Likes    Bookmark   March 2, 2015 at 2:10PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


    Bookmark   March 2, 2015 at 2:16PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks for answering that, I was wondering the same thing :)

    Bookmark   March 3, 2015 at 9:01AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
"Friend" Marriage
I have been looking up posts for months that relate...
Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated
Hi, I am really grateful for finding this forum. I...
how my husband requests sex
whenever my husband asks for sex, he first requests...
My Parents Hate my fiance...HELP!!!!
I need advice BAD!!! My parents hate my fiance, they...
Help and advice needed - to divorce or not to divorce?
I could really use some outside advice and perhaps...
Sponsored Products
Peg Perego Choo Choo Express Train Battery Powered Riding Toy - IGED1116
$249.99 | Hayneedle
Peg Perego Polaris Outlaw ATV Battery Powered Riding Toy - Red - IGOR0044
$264.09 | Hayneedle
Peg Perego John Deere Front Load Pedal Riding Toy - IGCD0553
$198.99 | Hayneedle
Peg Perego John Deere Gator XUV Battery Powered Riding Toy - IGOD0063
$499.98 | Hayneedle
Paragon 1911 8 oz. Black/Chrome Popcorn Machine - 1108820
$683.00 | Hayneedle
Peg Perego Polaris Outlaw ATV Battery Powered Riding Toy - Pink - IGOR0045
$265.06 | Hayneedle
Peg Perego John Deere Farm Tractor & Trailer Pedal Riding Toy - IGCD0522
$179.99 | Hayneedle
Peg Perego 24 Volt Rechargeable Battery - IAKB0522
$137.68 | Hayneedle
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™