Ever Quest Online - Marriage Problems

Not4EverNovember 25, 2005

My husband almost left me yesterday because I complained about him playing Ever Quest Online. He has been playing this game for about 3 months now and at this point it is ALL he likes to do after work. I stopped him from leaving by telling him that Ill not complain anymore about his game but IÂm not sure if this is a good arrangement.

He is a good financial provider, and since I have dedicated most of my time being a mom my income is pretty limited.

Do you have any advice/opinion?

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I have the same problem but its with several different games, not just one. I got so mad at him once that I took the dreamcast system and smashed it to the floor leaving it unplayable. That didn't seem to work. These video game systems are a real problem. We have 4 systems, an Xbox, a PS2, a new dreamcast and a gamecube. GOD HELP ME!!!


    Bookmark   November 26, 2005 at 9:42PM
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My husband gets bored with a game after a couple of months and stops playing anything for a few months--it's cyclical. He has never taken up "EverCrack", thank goodness.

Does your husband have friends who could distract him with some other activities? Although that might not help you directly, at least it might break the connection with the game for him long enough to realize that he has a valuable, important home life outside of fantasy-land.

    Bookmark   November 26, 2005 at 10:29PM
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I turned to you because somehow I was not able to understand that my best friend that I have shared 8 ½ year with will turn away from his dogs, child and family over a game!

It is sad but true that a game can drain someones life and take up so much time. As we were talking last night and seeing how serious he was about just finding a place (a cave he called it) where he could play uninterrupted after work; I realized that he is depressed.

Therefore, I told him that he can not go anywhere until he talks with his doctor & tells him how he is ready to give up all we shared for the last 8 ½ years & how he does not enjoy anything else; not even the movies & family outings that he used to love. Furthermore, I told him that alone he will just sink deeper into depression and his life may be at stake if he develops carpal tunnel or for whatever reason he may become unable to play. He is a Network Analyst/Data Base Programmer and with the game his time on the computer has been 14-16 hours/day for about 3 months now. Unfortunately, this time I spoke too soon! He is now in bed and his left wrist hurts badly. I just got some topical creams for joint pain & he said that we might have to go to the emergency room if the pain does not come down.

BTW, I did not try to stop him playing because Im bored & need entertaining --- I dont know the meaning of the word bored ---- but I dont think it is healthy to sit in one place & play so much & I could see him detaching from our family.

Thanks again for all your support!

    Bookmark   November 26, 2005 at 11:03PM
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Whoa, been there & got the t shirt. However, my DH ended up in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism, which kills you right off the bat about 30% of the time. He is incredibly lucky to be alive and unharmed. We think the PE was caused by dehydration and stasis, in other words, too much time on the stupid online game! After he recovered and I stopped vibrating with fear, he has resumed playing, for shorter periods, three or four hours at a stretch at a standing up monitor. PE can be a risk so advise your DH to stay hydrated and get up for breaks. Stasis can cause the clots which can then travel to your lung or brain-- lovely.

You never know the inside of someone else's marriage, but I don't think backing off is the right road. You have the right to his help and companionship as do your children. I agree he may be depressed. For my DH who is very wrapped up with his family and work it is an opportunity to spend time with friends-- online friends, but still friends. We had issues with his playing-- almost like drinking, isn't it?-- and then he got sick, which straightened out his priorities in a hurry and it's not so much a problem now. Good luck, I hope things straighten out for you both soon.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2005 at 12:15AM
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I cant belive he would give you up over a game. Is there anything else going on mabey that you dont want to reconize??? When I read your firts posting you seemed very scared of loosing him, not saying you shouldnt but sometimes I wonder if there is deeper problems maby going to a councler would be good for your marriage.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2005 at 1:06AM
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Therefore, I told him that he can not go anywhere until he talks with his doctor & tells him how he is ready to give up all we shared for the last 8 ½ years & how he does not enjoy anything else; not even the movies & family outings that he used to love.

DEPRESSED.....get him to a doctor ASAP!! My wife was diagnosed with depression several years ago, unfortunately it was too late for our marriage after 20yrs.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2005 at 11:26PM
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What are you ladies doing to help distract your men from the games????
Give them something better to keep their attention.
You know what I mean. (Nudge nudge, wink wink)

    Bookmark   December 9, 2005 at 10:26AM
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He's addicted and I agree he's probably depressed. Make him a doctor's appointment and drive him there - get help from family if you need to.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2005 at 12:18PM
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Gina W is correct, at least about the addiction. Yes addiction. He is willing to give up his family over his drug of choice (a computer). He needs help, and so does your family. Sorry to be blunt, but this is the way it is. And like other addictions, unless he realizes there is a problem and wants help, there is nothing you can do to help him, he has to help himself.


    Bookmark   December 13, 2005 at 5:40PM
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Computer time is often a way to escape...without literally leaving. By tuning into the computer, you can physically be "home" but in a detached way. Take a good, hard look at your family home life. Is the chaos and noise of children and home life something he thrives in, or does it make him irritable? (Not everyone enjoys the noise, kids fussing or bickering, etc of family life). Or the relationships within the family overwhelming to him? How do you come across to him? Do you smile and laugh easily and are you kind and encouraging, or are you cross/critical towards him? (I am not saying that you do not have the right to be, because anyone who spends that much time playing on line games would annoy anyone, because they are not sharing in the responsibility of family life). I will often go on-line because my DH continually switches channels on the remote for the TV, and it is so irritating to watch TV with him. He watches several shows at the same time, bits and pieces of each as he scrolls through the channels. So I just go on the computer instead. I think that it is one of his ways of relaxing after a stressful day. Also, is there something around the house or the house itself, that he is tuning out? Chores undone etc., or worries about something in his life/job/family? Anyway, just tossing something into the ring to consider, and if it doesn't fit, just disregard it. If it is a possibility, and this is all part of the problem, pick up a book entitled "The proper care and feeding of husbands" by Dr. laura Schlessinger. Whether you love her or hate her, the book is worth reading as it really has valuable advice about concrete ways to change the dynamics in a marriage, unlike any other book that I have read. Even if you know that HE should be the one reading a book about the proper care and feeding of wives, it will be an eye opener and worth the time to read it. The others have suggested that he see a doctor about depression. Also, consider whether a hobby like excercise or something else may catch his attention, and add a new interest to his life. When people are addicted to the computer, I imagine that they are irritable when they are away from it, and always thinking about getting back on. Perhaps if that is the case, a doctor may give you both ways to break this addiction. Perhaps he can see that when he is on the computer, he is irritable when anyone comes in and trys to talk to him. Ask him after he has been on for awhile, how he feels. Does he feel relaxed, or tence and irritable? Can he tell you why he wants to go on it? Is it the enjoyment of the game, or the escape from real life?
By asking (without fighting/arguing/blaming) the way you would if you were researching something and trying to simply understand what drives someone (as though you were writing an article) perhaps your questions may help him to consider what he is doing and why. Keep in mind that this is all easier for me to sit here and post, than it is to pull off when you need his help, the kids need him, and he is avoiding all of you, and his responsibilities as part of a family. (Helping with homework, or putting kids to bed, or cleaning the kitchen, etc). We understand and "get" your side of this. So I am just tossing out possibilities as to "why" he could be tuning out... just to consider if any of them apply, and if they do, how you can turn this around for your marriage and your children... so that he is able to be the husband and father you need him to be. I wish you the best. I imagine that the computer is getting in the way of many marriages today.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2005 at 7:07PM
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I was tossing some thoughts out there for thought, but I had no idea how addicting some of the things on the computer are for some people, nor how they allow them to take over their life. Do some research on the best people out there that can help your husband, even if he needs to go somewhere for treatment of some sort. He may not think of it as a problem, but if he is ready to walk out on his marriage and children for these games, then it is a serious problem, with a life time of regrets.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2005 at 5:51PM
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Thank you all for your kind advice. As it turns out that game and perhaps any online game, is a flirting play ground. While you and I were trying to figure out how to help the poor lost soul; he was running the green fields, climbing the digital mountains & enjoying the perfect digital world scenery with some woman from Kentucky. Please see my latest post "Would YOU take him back? - (EverQuest Part2)". Thanks again & Happy New Year!

    Bookmark   December 29, 2005 at 2:08AM
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If he is putting a game before you there are some serious issues going on in your marriage. I say start looking into taking some classes at the community college to get a ceritficate or license in something so you are able to stand on your feet financially without him. Once you do this then go back to him and jump on him again about playing that stupid game more than playing with you and if he threatens to leave just say SEE YA!

    Bookmark   January 21, 2006 at 5:49AM
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rosewood...they are already in the process of divorce. If you look on 1-2 other threads, he had an on-line affair going on and went to kentucky over the holidays to meet up with his new love. Turns out she was like 5'2" and weighed 250 lbs. and so he is back...begging fogiveness...but not-4-ever is not taking him back. She is proceeding with divorce. What a fool he was to destroy his marriage and family for an on-line fantasy.
If you read the step family forum..it seems that there may be some sad times ahead for her child. It seems that when these men re-marry...they wimp out and let the new wife call the shots...there own children paying a huge price. How sad.

    Bookmark   January 21, 2006 at 1:59PM
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