I'm new and need help big time

heavensdoorNovember 21, 2006

I just joined up here to see if there was help that someone could give to me. sigh..It's a long story but I guess lets say I've been married to a wonderful man for 23 years now. Together 25. I love this man dearly with all my heart and sole but..there's another man I've known all my life and for 28 years had lost track of him until 4 months ago when he came back into my life. We have become very close ( He lives 2000 miles away NO SEX ) I've fallen in love with him too again. This man through no fault of mine (at least I don't think so) my husband has invited to stay with us for a week. My heart races with the thought that I get to see this man once again. Please what do I do? I guess deep in my heart I know but just seeking outside advice. Anything would be so welcome. PLEASE! HELP!

BTW..The other man has told me he never stopped loving me.

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asolo

I understand there a number of magazines that pay for this kind of thing -- some even by-the-paragraph plus bonus for the original idea. Suggest you try there rather than here.

    Bookmark   November 21, 2006 at 10:38PM
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Vickey__MN

You have to decide...do you want to destroy love for lust. And only you can make that decision. And how can someone say they never stopped loving you when they truely no longer know you (The person you are today is NOT the person you were 28 years ago).

Vickey-MN

    Bookmark   November 21, 2006 at 10:51PM
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sweeby

Everyone has a "what if" fantasy scenario.
But it sounds like you also have a really good "what is" --
For heaven's sake, don't mess up your good "what is" for your imaginary "what if"!
Have your friend stay at a hotel, and don't see him without your husband at all.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 10:48AM
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azzalea

Only you can decide which of these men means more to you.

Take your time, get some counselling if that will help. Understand that the advice above--that neither of you are the same people you were 20+ years ago is right on the mark.

Weigh your options carefully before you make a decision. But DEFINITELY make a decision and be honest and upfront with all involved BEFORE you do anything.

Try to sneak around behind your husband's back to have an affair, and you're likely to lose both these men--and more importantly, your self-respect.

First of all, though, you need to sit down with your husband and let him know that it is not convenient for this man to come and spend the week in your home. If you have a good marriage, you should be able to be honest. If that's not possible, at least tell your husband you cannot spend a week in the same house with this man. Find a good hotel in your area and book him a room for the week--even if you have to pay for it, it will be cheaper than ruining a good marriage.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 11:06AM
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carla35

Stay away from him.

Being unfaithful isn't just about the deed itself; it's putting yourself in a position to want to cheat.

Almost everyone will desire other people at times, but you need to be mature enough not to put yourself in a position to want to and be able to cheat. A business man just shouldn't go out drinking after work everyday with his very attractive secretary who has a crush on him and is recently divorced. There's just situations you know not to put yourself in.
Stay away from him; you are married, and you will only regret it. Univite him and tell your husband the truth if necessary. Well, maybe not the "love" part, but that you have some unresolved feelings for him and think it best that he not stay with you.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 12:05PM
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heavensdoor

Thank you all for your advise. Your right and I knew this. The other man and I had such a connection so long ago and we were just kids then. Nothing ever happened with this man NOTHING then or now and NOTHING will happen this time. I have made arrangments for him to stay at another place. We have been catching up about our lives over the past few months and just something about us that has ALWAYS been there. Nothing we can put our fingers on just a special connection that has been there since childhood. Best friends so to speak but we have always said we loved each other. Even my Husband knew how I felt about this man 20 years ago and he felt comfortable enough to invite him into our home. SO..will I betray him or that trust, NO..Will I always love this other man YES...But you have helped even without knowing it and I thank you all although asolo...a little crewl don't ya think? LOL Maybe I should find the magazine and make some money..better yet write the "Oringinal Idea" for a book. ;0)

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 3:01PM
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kayjones

You might want to also consider a couple of proper grammer and word-meaning classes plus - typing your messages into Microsoft Word and using spell check. My intention is not to be mean or snotty, but .......

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 5:23PM
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heavensdoor

I'll take that into consideration..thanks for the advice! ;0)

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 6:59PM
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popi_gw

I am glad you know the best way to handle this situation. I can remember people that meant a lot to me 25 years ago, and remember them fondly, but I think maybe you could be in love with the idea, that youth, that young love, that whole life ahead of you dreamlike state of mind.

The reality of the man and what he is like, now, is probably very different.

Its probably best you don't see him at all. We have to be clever and avoid those situations that we could possibly do something we might regret!

Good luck to you, I hope it isn't too awkward having him in the same room. Perhaps you could let us know how it goes.

Take care
Popi

    Bookmark   November 22, 2006 at 8:27PM
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marge727

Guys you don't have to pick up after and don't know well always seem more glamorous, exciting and interesting. If you saw this guy on a daily basis you probably would be bored to tears. Your husband would seem really exciting, and witty to somebody else who hasn't heard his funny stories for 20 years.
Its a real ego boost to have somebody tell you that they still think about you after all these years--but do you want to change and upset your life just for that?

    Bookmark   November 27, 2006 at 12:22AM
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bnicebkind

Imagine the shoe being on the other foot, and you were inviting your old girlfriend to visit "you" for a week. And behind your back, she was whispering to your own dear husband of her love for him, and his heart and ego were swelling at the thought of what it would be like to be with her, and dump you? And you ( being played as the innocent fool) is so excited to have this friend (or who you thought was a friend) come to see you, in your home!!!

Unknown to you, this "friend" has secretly been whispering to your husband of her "love" for him, and her "feelings" for him. Your husbands heart is racing, just thinking of being with her soon.

The years that you have put into this marriage, and the pain that will last a lifetime as you are betrayed by people you thought you could trust.

Do you now get the picture of what you are doing to the man you claim to love?!? To your husband who believes he is with a woman of integrity and honor???? You claim to love him, but would betray him in such a way? Are you kidding me?

Treat this dear husband of yours as you would want to be treated if the shoe were on the other foot. Act as you would want him to act if one of your own friends was saying and doing what his "friend" is doing to him behind his back.
What would you want him to say to a friend of yours who was trying to steal your husband from you, while acting as "your friend"?????

    Bookmark   November 30, 2006 at 3:02PM
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cindyandmocha

"what do I do? I guess deep in my heart I know but just seeking outside advice."

You know what deep in your heart? what you should do? What you feel is right? Just what is that?

I think you know too. I think you know that what your head tells you in fantasy is wonderful is not what your heart tells you is right or reality.

Let us know how the visit went.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2006 at 2:23AM
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jlj48

I'm just a lurker on this particular forum, but I cannot believe the sarcasm and rudeness of some of the posters. The girl came for a little advice and was met with a couple of very tacky people. You know who you are. It must be nice to be perfect - with perfect grammar with never any unclean thoughts. The rest of you are awesome with your understanding of her situation.
Given these responses, I would never post a personal marital problem here.

    Bookmark   December 12, 2006 at 6:15PM
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amyfiddler

Good job. You recognized the potential problem, looked it in the face, admitted the problem here, and have taken steps to avoid catastrophe.

You recognized that these feelings are not based on reality, and are not acting out of immature childish hollywood feelings of "oh no, I have these feelings, it must be fate."

Congrats to you, and also congrats for not reacting to petty comments made towards you here. You are a good example to others - keep it up!

    Bookmark   December 14, 2006 at 6:07PM
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heavensdoor

Thank you all for your wonderful comments Good and Bad. I did expect to be "Told" :0)
Well, the weekend came and went in a wonderful way. No...not what your thinking. hehe My friend arrived late because of a plane delay but it worked out because I asked him to bring his son. We ALL had the best time ever. Laughing, catching up on old times and just plain having fun. I realized that I "DO" love this man very much but could "NEVER" hurt my husband because I love him "MORE" ( sometimes we need to be shown these things for whatever reason )
To tell you the truth, we did have a moment alone and he kissed me. It was beautiful BUT..we ended up laughing and that was that. He will always be a very special man to me. His son is just like him in everyway and my daughter was taken by him. ( Like mother like daughter ) I had as many people around as possible for the weekend which made it so fun and so safe but really I didn't need to I could never have done anything to hurt the one man in my life i realized I loved more than anything in the world. My husband is the world's greatest man he accepted my friend for who and what he is and told them both they were more than welcomed back anytime. My friend and I will always be in love but as very special and close friends.
Thank you all once again. I feel truely blessed.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2006 at 7:30AM
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