Unhappily Married

Gabriel166November 4, 2011

Where do I begin? I have been married to my wife for ten years and prior to that I have been with her another ten years so in total I have been with her for twenty years. I have been in this union since 1991 but I was never really in love with her. It started out as a dinner date and we ended up in bed. And I will never forget the words she said to me that night when she said "Please dont leave me" And thats where I made the biggest mistake in my life and that was that I felt sorry for her and I never left. I always knew that it would not last because I found myself seeing other women and still she took me back. My wife is nine years older then I and never had any children with her. However, I did help raise one and now her children's kids call me grandpa and I love them dearly and that is a beautiful feeling. But my Delima remains. I know she has that intuition that I am not happy but I don't want to break her heart on top of that she has no income has not worked in God knows how long because she takes care of her grand daughter. I am her only source of income as well as health coverage. She is now sixty and I am fifty-one. I don't really have sexual relations with her and I'm attracted to a co-worker but never had relations with her because she says it was done to her so she respects my wife. Can someone understand where I'm coming from or maybe I'm just not making any sence.

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mkroopy

Wow. I don't know what to say....a lot of people here will probably tell you to leave, that your happiness is more important than anything....but you've presented some compelling reasons why leaving would NOT make you happy...feelings of guilt in abandoning her, her grandchild, support issues, etc.

Boy, I get you wish you could turn back the clock 20 years on that one....i know how you feel, but it's due to a failed marriage with kids involved.

I really don't know what to tell you...it will be interesting to see where this thread goes....

    Bookmark   November 5, 2011 at 9:21AM
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asolo

"Can someone understand where I'm coming from....."

What's not to understand? You're comfortable in many ways at home -- even though you made a "mistake" -- but you like strange on the side, too. You've always had it and would have it now if the woman would allow it. Got it.

Was there a question in there somewhere?

    Bookmark   November 5, 2011 at 10:57AM
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Gabriel166

Thank you guys for hearing me out. I know it's not easy and I was hoping there was like a dear Abby out there that could offer some good sound advice for my predicament. But I appreciate your thoughts on this matter. Only time will tell what my out come will be. I would give her everything including my pension I would even help in whatever it is she will need in order to be free. I don't care to be in any type of relationship again. I just want to get on my motorcycle and just keep going and not look back.

    Bookmark   November 5, 2011 at 10:29PM
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asolo

"....help in whatever it is she will need in order to be free."

Well I must have misunderstood a few things. I thought you were the one who was wondering about leaving.

"I don't care to be in any type of relationship again."

I must have really, really misunderstood because I thought you said you had sequential relationships elsewhere before and were presently hoping to have another. Didn't seem to me the fire had gone out.

Can you set me straight? I must not be reading right.

Do understand the motorcycle part. Did a LOT of MC traveling in my younger days. (but it sure is hard to keep clean on the road. Lots more traffic now, too.) Remember Belstaff suits and shifters on the right? What kind of scoot ya got?

    Bookmark   November 5, 2011 at 11:57PM
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popi_gw

Perhaps you could suggest a agreement to her whereby you do go off on your motorcycle, have discreet affairs, but still be "friends" who care for each other and provide for each other. You really don't have to break her heart.

You are young at 51, you have years ahead of you and you are certainly entitled to have some happiness in that life.

I would imagine that your situation is not so strange, and wonder how many married people are in this situation. They just stay together because the alternative is worse. They have a nice home, love their family, but are not "in love".

To me, it does not seem as gloomy as you say. You just have to speak up and come to an agreement.

It is rather sad that you married this person when you did not love her and have stayed for so long.

It is time for some fresh air in the whole situation. It sounds very stagnant.

Remember life is good, lots of living to do..

    Bookmark   November 6, 2011 at 1:35AM
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blondiel

A spouse knows when the other is miserable an wants out of the marriage. Give her whatever she needs/wants and be on your way. She probably will be much happier with you gone.
You married her when you didn't love her, cheated throughout the years and wants to cheat now, so leaving would be the last hurt for your wife.

    Bookmark   November 6, 2011 at 9:20AM
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nancylouise_gw

I would have an honest talk with her Gabriel. It will be hard for her I'm sure to hear what you have to say and how unhappy you have been in the marriage. But staying in a loveless marriage for the rest of your life is no way to live. I'm sure you would help her financially and not leave her destitute. I don't consider 51 old at all. You still have a lot of years left. Make them happy ones. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   November 6, 2011 at 1:57PM
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gardenandcats

Yep sure walk out on her now break her heart and make her unable to support herself! Just so you can be happy and have a sex life go for it. Nice guy

    Bookmark   November 6, 2011 at 10:03PM
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nancylouise_gw

Fact is gardenandcats he should have never married her in the first place. That was the first mistake. I don't see any reason to continue with this charade when both husband and wife are miserable in it. Both deserve what happiness they can find with other people because they don't have it with each other. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   November 8, 2011 at 7:11AM
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gardenandcats

20 years and you finally realized you are not happy?And now want out?

    Bookmark   November 10, 2011 at 10:27AM
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gardenandcats

Fact is he did marry her and has stayed married to her for 20 years??? And just cheated around her and there.Now he wants out.So Talk with her and make a agreement to end this farce

    Bookmark   November 11, 2011 at 10:14PM
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Gabriel166

I see now that I am forever traped in this marriage. So I will just look for someone who will accept me as is. I'm just tired already. I feel lonely. I'm also having deep feelings for a co worker who will not even give me the time of day. I'm so misaerable but I can't find the balls enough to hurt her. If I was a real jerk I would just say to hell with you and keep walking. However I'm just not built that way. I know my wife cares for me and I know she thinks she is at an age where it is late in the game for her to start all over again. I'm just tired I don't know what to think anymore. Good night everyone.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2011 at 11:26PM
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sweeby

"and I know she thinks she is at an age where it is late in the game for her to start all over again. "

Sorry - but she's right about that. It would be one thing if she had a career -- though tough even then. But who would hire a 60 year old woman with no meaningful work experience? Certainly not the kind of company that would pay more than minimum wage or offer decent benefits. Essentially, you've allowed your wife to become an economic cripple.

And now you want to leave because you're not 'in love' with her?
Should have thought of that before you took those 20 years she could have invested elsewhere.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2011 at 11:35AM
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