Is this an unhealthy marriage?
have been lurking here, reading, and trying to decide if I should seek help here. This is the best forum I have come across so far, except there do not seem to be daily readers, so I hope someone sees this and can help give me some insight.
A little background on my marriage: I am married to a sports personality that is in the public eye, although he has never played professional sports. To give an example of how well known he is, he has just over 900,000 twitter followers. That's all I feel comfortable in divulging without giving away his identity. If he had any idea I'm posting this he would be LIVID. We have been married for 9 months and known each other over 2 1/2 years. I met him at a sporting event. He is 14 years older than me. I am over 25 and under 35.
I hope this is not TMI because I think its crucial in what is tormenting me. I was raised as a Christian and constantly drilled to keep my virginity for marriage. When I met my husband, before we really had a relationship, and would just hang out sometimes (we lived in different cities about 90 miles apart) I told him that's exactly what I intended to do. I never dreamed our relationship would go anywhere because he was a womanizer and had his selection of women. As we continued to see each other when time permitted, I began to fall in love with him which was painful in itself because I knew how he felt about marriage and he knew there would never be sex between us before marriage. To make a long story short, you can never imagine how SHOCKED I was when we were at his family's 4th of July bbq and he proposed to me in front of them. I was crying, smiling, jumping up and down and just flat-out elated. And yes, I did keep my virginity til the wedding. One thing I forgot to add is that because of this vow, I never had a relationship with another man. Had a few dates but as soon as they knew what was up, it was quickly over. And for some reason, men in church just were not interested in me.
So here are the things in the marriage that are troubling to me. He has a very large personality and it intimidates me at times, although I try to hide it. But I think he knows and because of that he bosses me around terribly. The other thing is, the city that we live in is just his base city, but he travels all the time. I am struggling so terribly with this because I miss him so much when he is gone that I almost feel sick. Nights in bed without him I sometimes cry myself to sleep. And it does not help that he rarely even calls me when he is gone, so I don’t call him either. If I want to communicate with him I just text and he does respond. He also never tells me when he is going out of town until the night before or sometimes even the day of. He says its because he can’t stand to see how depressed I get when I know he’s leaving. He never, ever take me with him. He also does not take me to sporting events in town because he says he’s working so it’s too distracting to have to worry about me. Even though he knows I’m an avid sports fan. He also says that he doesn’t want me into the “seedy” environment that he is in. He doesn’t even want people to know I’m married to him because he is afraid they will attack me as people tend to attack wives of famous people in social media. So he told me to shut down my twitter and facebook accounts when we got married and I did.
So you can see the extent to which he bosses me around. We get to spend so little time together that whenever he is home, he, and only he, determines what we do. He wants me with him all the time that he is home, and since I never know when that will be, I can’t plan to do anything with my friends or family because if he is home, it’s not happening. If I protest at all he will just yell “you better just be ready when it’s time to go.” And I submit to it because I just love him so much I am so afraid of being a nag, being high maintenance, arguing a lot that he will walk away from the marriage. I could not bear the thought that I would have saved myself for this man and then it would be over.
There are some good things about our marriage. Because he is away so much, I tend to be very clingy when he is home, always touching him, hugging him, rubbing his back or something. But it doesn’t seem to bother him and he will usually always just usually caress me back like he knows I just need it. LOL! He is very sweet to me, very loving, very affectionate. He tells me he loves me all the time. Sometimes I just wish he wasn’t so sweet to me, and then maybe I wouldn’t love him so much, and miss him so much. He takes care of me even though I work full time, (I’m surprised he hasn’t TOLD me to quit) but he gives me an allowance so that I rarely spend any of my own money. Because I never had a relationship before him I have to admit that I had low self esteem because men did not want to be with me unless sex was involved, and Christian men were just not interested. But he tells me how beautiful I am, how sweet I am, and how much it means to him that I had never been with another man. I know there are two things I have going for me is my figure, because I love sports and working out, and my personality because people usually always like me. But I feel that where beauty is concerned on scale of 1 to 10 I am maybe a 5. It is troubling to me that he is ALWAYS around beautiful and famous women, some of whom are not married. So I am insecure in the marriage as well. I don’t THINK he has ever cheated on me but for all I know he could be doing that during his frequent time away from home. But our love life is so off the charts that I don’t know how he could be cheating and we have a sex life like what we have. I tried to express this to him and he asked me if I was asking if he is cheating on me. But I would not answer because I was afraid he would look at that as nagging. So he just ended up just caressing me and hugging me and telling me he would never cheat on me, that if he wanted to do that he would never have gotten married. He also tells me he thought he would never get married because he would never want to have just one woman, but I changed all that.
So how does this sound to you all? I feel like a clingy, intimidated, wife who just lets my husband boss me around, call all the shots in the marriage, never asks my advice on anything, but then because of how also treats me so sweet in other ways, that this marriage is almost torture. Any ideas on what I could do relieve some of this stress? It is no way I’m leaving him, but if that’s what you think, please tell me. Thanks.