Venting

newguy_gardenerNovember 28, 2006

I just wanted to vent some on here about my situation. I have been married for 2 and a half years with my wife. Back in May of this year she tells me that she is board with me and our lives and that she has been unhappy for a year now. I was pretty suprised because I thought everything was going great. We had just come back from vacation and she comes at me with this? Maybe I'm a little too sensitive but I was hurt by this because I have changed my whole freakin life for this person. I work hard and we have a great home and I thought everything was good. Well I started to get kind of mean after she said this to me so within the next month she's talking divorce. Im like what the hell? We just got married this sucks, she says that there are allot of things about me that make her think that we dont have a future together. This has been going on since this summer and now the divorce papers are on the way this week. We tried counceling for 5 weeks, I moved out for a month and she asked me to come back and then a week later she's back to her same song. I'm living at home right now because we decided to try to live together through this whole thing, good thing we have two bedrooms. There are times when she comes up to me and gives me a hug or she touches me and I'm like "why are you doing this to me?" I loved this person with everything I had inside of me, my freinds all said that I have changed so much. I thought I did everything right and now its all over? I have another friend and his new "bride" did the same thing. Whats up, do women think that this is going to be some fairytale and then when all of the excitement of the wedding is over and everyday life comes, they dont like it?

I am really upset and I really think that these individuals suck as people.

Thanks for letting me vent.

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asolo

People change. People have hidden agendas. People don't know themselves. People lie and deceive. Happens all the time. It's nothing you can control.

Get on with it and consider yourself lucky. It will be an easy split. She saved you a BUNDLE of grief by doing it early.

I encourage you to get over being P.O.'d and just do what needs to be done. They aren't all like that. Better awaits you.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2006 at 6:31PM
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kimberlyrkb

Just want to say I'm sorry you're going through this. I know what it feels like to be jerked around and it's not anything I would wish on another person. Good luck sorting things out and moving on, whichever direction you go.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2006 at 8:57PM
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popi_gw

I am sorry for your situation as well.

You know, I think you might be onto something. 'THE WEDDING' is so commercialised, these days, that I think it really detracts from the sanctity of the event, and some people just don't realize what they are getting into. Maybe they just haven't thought about what a marriage is.

Sounds to me you have done all the right things, worked hard, provided a home, shown committment. I can understand why you would be upset.

But on the plus side, its good to get this out in the open, early on. Perhaps its time to think about moving on, I am sure there are some wonderful ladies out there who can be what you want in a woman.

Ask yourself a question "Do I want to be with a person that isn't into the marriage, do I want to have a family with a woman who is restless ?"

Keep calm and deal with the situation.

I know you are upset and I know this is hard for you.

All the best my friend.

Popi

    Bookmark   November 28, 2006 at 9:56PM
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carla35

Sorry to hear about your divorce.

I'm sure your trust in her and in marriage itself was shattered. Hopefully, things will get better with time. If she was as selfish as she sounds, it's probably best for you in the long run. Good luck; things will get better.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2006 at 11:58PM
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jeanr

what a bummer. i really feel for you. i agree with the above response that better now than 10 years from now. once you have children, life really gets hard to split.
i wish you the best in getting thru this trama. know that in time you will get past this, i know that may seem impossible to believe right now.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2006 at 7:44AM
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Meghane

Maybe some women and men do think everything will change because of marriage, or the baby, or the new house, or whatever. I don't think that these people have any basis in reality though. And no, I don't understand it either.

I wish you great luck in finding a reality-based, kind, loving, woman who you can really share the rest of your life with. Sounds like you were willing to give your whole heart for this woman. Best wishes in finding one who will appreciate that and reciprocate.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2006 at 4:37PM
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stevied

Newguy,

As others have said, some women are like this. I don't understand either why she should hug you and show some affection towards you after she has filed for divorce. I think it is an emotionally-based, spur of the moment, action by her without thinking through or understanding how her actions are perceived by others. However, the divorce action speaks for itself.

Hang in there as best you can until the divorce is finalized.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2006 at 11:32AM
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sweeby

Sorry for what you're going through Newguy...

To answer some of your questions, yes, some women are like this. Some women are still being raised with the "prince charming" fantasy and the crazy idea that a wedding will make their lives wonderful and quick-start the "happily ever after" part. Then they're hurt and mystified when the "happily ever after" fantsy doesn't materialize. Of course, it must be your fault -- because after all, you were supposed to make her happy... You did for a while -- when preparing to marry you meant her fantasies were coming true. Then the 'fairy dust' dissipated, and the dreary monotony of everyday left was all that was left.

These girls truly don't understand that core happiness comes from within, and that they themselves are responsible for engineering the life they want. Sad to say, there are still lots of them out there; and even worse, still plenty of loving parents playing this particular mind-muck on their young daughters. There are still parents our there teaching their daughters that all they have to do is be "pretty and sweet" and that good things will then magically happen to them. A little more emphasis on "responsible and competent" would do the world a lot of good...

Her hugging you is probably just her way of trying to make you feel better - sort of an appology for hurting your feelings. Imagine a 3 year old patting you on the shoulder and saying "Don't cry Daddy" -- that's about the level of emotional maturity she's operating on.

All you can do now is damage control. Distance yourself emotionally and if possible, physically, and get this farce over with as quickly as possible. Know that there are "real women" out there with substance and character, and move those two qualities up a few rungs on your search criterea...

    Bookmark   December 4, 2006 at 12:12PM
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newguy_gardener

Hello everyone thanks for all of your comments I really appreciate them. My situation is very bizarre to me anyway, so here it goes. I did get served with my divorce papers and the same day I did she is mad at me for finding a message on my phone to an old female friend. Now, I figure you file for divorce and we are sleeping in separate rooms whatÂs the big deal. She freaks out, slaps me around alittle and takes my house keys away. So I have to call into work, tell them IÂm going to be in this afternoon and pack all my clothes so I can get out of there. The following day I have a POD dropped off and I move all of my furniture and belongings out. She doesnÂt say a thing all day of the move except that she hopes this doesnÂt take long.
I go to see my lawyer on Monday to get things rolling and now she is calling me telling me how sorry she is and that she is willing to do anything to get me back. Is this normal? Has anyone been through this kind of thing? I am trying to move on but now she is saying she is willing to do anything to save our marriage. She has been talking divorce for like 6 months. Whats that deal?

    Bookmark   December 21, 2006 at 5:27PM
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sweeby

Unstable

Irrational

Immature

It won't get substantially better NewGuy, and it could actually get worse. The best you can do is keep on walking. Gather up the shreds of your dignity and self-esteem and just keep on walking.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2006 at 7:39PM
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popi_gw

She is immature.

Popi

    Bookmark   December 22, 2006 at 2:16AM
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asolo

Assuming your descriptions are accurate, you've married a vicious little nutcase. Her apologies are meaningless theatre. Get out as quickly and cleanly as possible and consider yourself lucky. Send her a thank-you note for revealing herself early.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2006 at 3:50PM
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bnicebkind

My guess would be that the reality and finality of divorce is sinking in and she is afraid of being alone. I also think that she is immature and had ideas of marriage that have little to do with the reality of life and marriage.

    Bookmark   December 23, 2006 at 2:38PM
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labmomma

Close the book. Give her the divorce she wants.

As far as women "Whats up, do women think that this is going to be some fairytale and then when all of the excitement of the wedding is over and everyday life comes, they dont like it?" There are plenty of men that do this as well.

I agree that the "wedding" is much to commercial these days. SIL got the big expensive wedding, left her husband after 4 months. When I asked her why did you even marry him. Response, well the plans were being made, yada yada.

She is asking you to not go through with what she wanted now. Not, take it from a woman. Even if she gets you to forget her actions, they will happen again. This relationship sounds doomed.

Find yourself a place to live, start your life over and I am sure you will meet a person worthy of your love and devotion. She will then be really trying to get you back. Do not give in, most people really want things they can't have and once they get them, they don't want them any more.

Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   December 26, 2006 at 7:09PM
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coolmama

I have a feeling there must be more to the story. See,men and women are very different...men tell their feelings as they exprience them.And when the arguing is over they think everything is ok.Women arent like that.We hold onto things,we let the feelings fester and build our defenses.Then when we are sure we want to end it~to YOU,the man,it seems like we just sprang it on you,but really we have been thinking about it all along.
(and I did not create this theory by the way,Dr. Phil has also said this about men and women)
So,maybe you thought things were fine,but they really werent,obviously.
I agree with whomever made the post about how over-rated the marrage thing is these days.All women want the wedding,but not nessacarily the marriage and the hard work it takes.Sad,but true.Look at Celebrities for crying out loud.
You are probably better off though learning it now instead of years from now and wasting years being unhappy.
I really do feel bad for you,try not to get jaded though.Not ALL women are like this.I have been married for 10 years,and the key is honesty,and communication.
I used to be like your wife...hold back and not tell my husband my unhappiness until it was too late and it blew up. Now,no matter how painful,I'm always honest and talk about my feelings instead of holding it inside.
Good luck to you...you will find someone else,life is too short to dwell on something that didnt last.

    Bookmark   December 28, 2006 at 12:48AM
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