Husband Neglecting Himself

MichelleSwitzerlandNovember 13, 2003

This has been on my mind for a few months now. DH and I are happy together. He's is a good man, and cares for me very much.

My concern is that he neglects himself, and his needs. He works hard, and makes good money but I don't know the last time he went to the dentist (which repulses me, by the way). He isn't cheap - our joint purchases are always on things of good quality, and he never complains as to how much I spend.

This is hurting our relationship. I am very self-sufficient, but I do trust in my DH and our love. He is not responsible for my happiness. I would like DH to put himself first more, and to care more for himself - inside and outside. I've spoken to him about this, but he doesn't have the feeling he is neglectful of himself.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can help DH in this matter?

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nookie

Hhhmmmm this is a toughy but one I can understand. (I think almost all european males suffer from one degree to another of this lol) Have you tried just making appointments for him yourself and then just telling him offhandedly "oh by the way you have a dentist appt on..." ? I'm sure he'll grumble a bit but in the end I'm sure he'll feel obligated to go anyway. ;o)
As for the outside I really don't have any good advice. If I had the same problem(if that is a problem) I would tell him no nookie ;o) unless he's smelling like roses. Eventually he would get the hint. My MIL tells me that when she got married it was war to get my FIL to shower everyday. It took her a few years. First it was once a week then two and so on until he worked up to everyday. Now he can't skip a day without showering or he feels filthy. She said it was hard but she just had to be stonger willed than he was lol.
Good luck and I hope that you win ;o)
nookie
who for the life in her can't figure out why men believe that their stinky underarms turn us on! sheesh!! P U!

    Bookmark   November 14, 2003 at 8:56AM
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trilobite

Does he come from a traditional background where Mom looked after everyone's needs and Dad just went out and made money? He may not realize there's another way of doing things.

I'd go ahead and make the appointment for him, and maybe baby him a bit. Possibly insist that he get haircut at a nice place or go out with you for a nice dinner? I'm sure you'd have better ideas than I would as to what would constitute a pampering activity for him.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2003 at 12:16PM
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MichelleSwitzerland

Thanks for the advice, you guys.

lol Nookie, it's SO true. I don't know about French men, but Swiss men (my DH is Italian but born and raised in Switz) are somehow so ... so ... fantastic, I guess. What I mean is that they are (if one can ever truly generalize) very intellectual, sensitive (I NEVER had to remind him of an important date and I ALWAYS get flowers), loving, gentle and kind ... but really sometimes I miss a bit more gruffness or macho temperment.

I think if I made an appointment for him, he wouldn't go - but I guess I could try anyway.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2003 at 12:30PM
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keli_or

I had a thought:

Is it possible that he's afraid to go to the dentist?
Perhaps he had a bad experience, or it's been such a long time that he's afraid he'll have lots of work that needs to be done.

My DH hates to go to the doctor. He'd rather complain about how rotten he feels about something until I suggest he go to the doctor and then suddenly I don't hear about the problem anymore. I think that he's afraid to get bad news if he goes to the doctor.

Just my $.02.

Keli

    Bookmark   November 14, 2003 at 10:28PM
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sewcrazynurse

my husband used to go for months without hair cuts. Then I took matters in to my own hands and bought a set of eelectric clippers so I can cut his hair. Granted it is a buzz cut but it's cut! and dirt cheap too and he loves having me cut his hair. (He likes to see my cleavage)

    Bookmark   November 17, 2003 at 9:56PM
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rotny

Er....Uh....FD, this is a family show dude. I don't think that was quite the response Michelle was looking for. We welcome your input but I'm sure we'd all thank you kindly to tone it down a bit.

Rotny

    Bookmark   November 18, 2003 at 1:05PM
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aikidokap

On the off chance that people are still reading this, if it is related to pain or bad experience, your husband needs to do more research.

I had two separate very, very, very bad experiences with the dentist. Both of which would make you cringe to hear about....

Recently, had some tooth pain and was forced back. Of course, needed a root canal. But, there are MANY more options...pain blockers are much better. I now do something called "sleep dentistry" which does NOT involve IV drugs...I am given a pill and simply drift off while they do the work. Amazing.

Also, virtually all the tools in dentistry have improved. Drills are much higher speed and work faster and more precisely. The local anesthetic is miles ahead of even Novocaine...being comprised of a much smaller molecule so even the densest bone gets penetrated. Knowledge of anatomy of the nervous system in the skull has been advanced as well.

All these changes have been made in the past 5-10 years.

Short answer...you need not have ANY pain or even anxiety of the dentist anymore!

aiki

    Bookmark   November 21, 2003 at 4:39PM
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sewcrazynurse

Actually I rather liked Fat Daddy's response. It truley shows all men think a like. My DH used to just love geting his hair cut and his teeth cleaned by females. For obvious reasons. Just one of the reasons I cut his hair now.

    Bookmark   November 23, 2003 at 6:32PM
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rotny

Hey, I like getting my hair cut by women just as much as the next guy. Dentists, massage techs, nail techs...there's just something magical about a woman's touch. I don't disagree with Fat Daddy's post, I just thought it was a bit edgy. No harm intended.

Rotny

    Bookmark   November 24, 2003 at 4:27PM
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Gina_W

Michelle, my DH doesn't look after himself either, I found out long ago that I would have to take a role in that part of his life. He takes care of some things for me, and I take care of some different things for him. I make doctor and dental appointments for him and keep his calendar so that he remembers to go. I make sure he has a decent haircut and has nice clothes. I make all the vacation arrangements and social calendar.

I believe we are all responsible for our own happiness, but if that means we take care of our partners needs, that's okay. To me it's part of being a couple. You are each other's helpmate. You are still an individual, but you are also part of a unit. Some people find it hard to "get involved" in that manner - I see it more often in younger couples. I was like that in my first (young) marriage. I think looking back that DH and I were too independent and not "interdependent" enough to grow together.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2003 at 6:59PM
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