how different

shwetagargNovember 29, 2007

how different are u from ur spouse. and wht has it costed ur marriage.

we both seem to be the extreme side of the world and instead of getting attracted to each other, it is taking away all the joy and fun out of our lives.

i dont know where to start but to cut it short nothing seems to be going rightbetween us. we have been married for three yrs and i am a stay at home wife without any kids.my husband is a gud person but a bit too saintly for me i guess. i am bit more practical in life and wants to live life to its fullest unlike my husband.he dosnt like to socialise and i want ppl all around me. he wants to stay at home 24/7but i want to go out and enjoy and have friends to enjoy with us (maybe not always) but he never wants anyone around. he likes to THINK and joke whereas i want to joke with him the way i want to but he gets offened very quickly.i cant think and talk to him everytime. not even a single decision in our lives hav been taken by both of us. it is mostly done wht he thinks is the right.

yes i am frustrated and so is he.his expectations sre well tooo high. the only expectation i hav from him is to be active and healthy which he is not.he is over wieght and looks much older than his age (he is only 33 and i am 27)i have tried talking to him and told him simply he needs to do something....yet no change.

feels like life is slipping by and only i am the one to try and live up to his expectations.i am scared to think abt kids with him.he just seems to be living just coz he has to and thats how i am living but thats not wht i want from my life i am not sure wht he wants from his.

i dont know wht to do . a lot of the things i try to neglect like his gross habits coz i dont want to hurt his ego but then those r some basic stuff tht a person does for himself. y cant he?

he seems hav changed me in a lot of things but i am not happy abt the changes. but still to make the marriage work i follow wht he wants me to. but i seem to hav the least amt of influence on him and it hurts me a lot. in fact the menu plan is also done according to him (i just want him to be )

tell me how many husbands dont know where stuff are kept in the house.how many asks their wives to get up a nd get them stuff.

sorry for the long post. but i think i need to vent out.it is hard for mr to see the positive side of life it feels like i am living only to make him happy and still there is always some thing bad that i hav done to offend him. he works day and night not coz he has to just coz he likes to . even at home laptop is the only thing that is near to him. he get attracted to other women and fantasies abt them aqnd i try to keep a positve out look but it hurts .i look decent according to me . his relatives always say i am the best looking female in whole family. i have a gud figure and i think i do know how to carry my self.

tell me except talking to him wht shud i do. i hav tired talking but i am not the one he wants to listen

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amyfiddler

It was kind of hard to read your post for all the abbreviations, but here we go -

What attracted you to him in the first place?

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 5:23PM
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colleenoz

I'm with Amy. With such different outlooks I'm not sure how you even came to date, let alone came to the conclusion that marriage would be a good idea.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 7:49PM
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carla35

Well,

I think the fact that you are not working and have no kids may be boring you a bit. I take it your 'job' is being a housewife and it sounds like you don't like the duties... being the only one who knows where the household stuff, having to get it, and having to cook his foods all the time, etc. Well, if that's your job, it could be worse. I guess everyone needs to contribute in some way.

Anyway, how about doing something to keep you busy... going back to school, getting a part time job or doing a lot of volunteer work/ Maybe you're already doing some stuff but it sounds like you have time to add some more. I think if you both have interesting and somewhat fulfilling lives you might find you have more interesting things to talk about, he may respect you more, and you both might apprecitate your time together.

Aside from the general neck injury almost all men suffer from when cheerleader types walk by ... how do you know he is attracted to other women and is fantasizing about them? I mean really, all men do fantasize... I wouldn't worry about that; but the fact that he's feeling the need to share this info or make you feel insecure about it is what bothers me. Guys should learn to keep that fantasy info to themselves like us girls have been able to do. Sounds like he may have a little insecurity problem himself.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 8:52PM
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popi_gw

Hi there

I find it tricky to read your post, with all the abbreviations. Seems like a a text message.

If you are a SAHW, with no children, you might need to think about being more involved in something outside of the house. Your thinking maybe centred on your homelife. If you had some thing else to do in your life, you might find that your distress about your marriage subsides, somewhat, because you will have something else to think about.

The fact that you are at home, probably predisposes you to being the "manager of home affairs". This may sound grand but in reality its you that does all the housework, cooking, cleaning etc. This is probably how your DH sees it. He probably thinks he does not have to help, because he is out bringing home the bacon.

Be very careful with setting that precedent, because you may find yourself saddled with all the household duties, your whole life !

Just a few ideas for you to ponder.

P

    Bookmark   November 30, 2007 at 1:21AM
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marge727

I don't know how to say this more tactfully,
If you aren't happily married, don't want kids, don't seem to like being a housewife, I am amazed that at 27 you don't have a job. The majority of women with no kids at your age are either in the workforce or going to school, at least in most places where I have lived. In the course of my work I also have contact with low income families and very few of those wives are not working. Being a SAHW is a luxury lots of people cannot afford and it seems like a waste of time & money if you don't like being at home.
With the time you have during the day its important to get an education or some kind of job training especially if you are not happily married because you will be supporting yourself.
Even if you are happily married--husbands die--they get sick or injured, they get laid off, and it may be necessary for you to work. The older you are when you hit the job market, the more important it is to have skills. Its really hard, tiring work to be a waitress or work retail.
So what I am suggesting is that--its your life and your time. You need to plan both of them.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2007 at 4:25PM
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plasticgarden

I mostly agree with carla35...in the aspect that you sound bored.And maybe that is why you feel the need to have people around you all the time,because during the day you get lonely.But your husband works,and he is tired so he would rather chill at home alone.
I think that may be hard for you to understand because you dont work.If you were working,and your job was tiring,by the time you got home from work I'd doubt you'd want to party with a bunch of people either.So try to see it from his point of view.
Maybe if you had a job where you could interact with people more,you wouldnt the need to have them at home so much and you could concentrate on your husband.

I'm not going to focus solely on the job issue though,because to me it just sounds as though you generally arent in love with your husband anymore.

Unless you can find somthing that bonds you guys together,you dont have much to go on.You need to find some common ground.A hobby,that maybe you both like doing? Maybe even just a show you can watch together that you both like.
Compromising is always a good thing too.For instance,if you want a party one night,make a deal with him that if he allows you to and he honestly tries to have fun,that you will do something he wants to do with him and you will honestly try to enjoy it too.
About his looks...happens to everyone sooner or later.Maybe he is depressed about it and already knows.Telling him could only make him feel worse.Instead,encourage him to take a walk or something and eat healthier with him.

But if you are really unhappy,then maybe you should just end it.You are both young enough and without kids that you could find happiness elsewhere.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2007 at 4:01AM
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lynne_melb

Hi Shweta,

I agree that your husband is probably tired at the end of the day, and that you are bored. Also, that you need to work on some interests that you can share.

I'm taking a couple of wild guesses - that perhaps the marriage was arranged, and that you have either language or transportation problems with getting a job. All this makes things more difficult.

Do you have any sisters or friends that could offer some suggestions?

I like plasticgardens suggestion that you could start walking together.

Take care,
Lynne

    Bookmark   December 4, 2007 at 5:57PM
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scarlett2001

Listen to Marge- she hit it - your life is your responsibility, nobody else is going to make it right for you. Find a path.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2007 at 10:07PM
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