The Worst You Went Through

waddlesNovember 1, 2002

What was the worst period that you have gone through with your DH?

Ours is right now. We are building a house and doing most of it ourselves. In the interim we are living with my FIL. The stress of building a new house with 2 young children and living with FIL is really getting to us. I know that this is only temporary and we will get over it but some days it doesn't seem like it will be soon enough.

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Waddles, I think they say it's one of the top stress-inducing situations - building a house.

Just take it one day at a time. Most of all in a stressful situation, don't engage in the 3 R's - resent, rebel, revenge. Just take a breath and walk away. Good luck!

    Bookmark   November 1, 2002 at 4:38PM
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Breathe, and take personal charge of your own day to day sanity.

You can breathe. You can learn whatever combination of mental gymnastics you need to avoid lashing out or venting at people. That is the main tip because people almost always respond to others, especially children. You can take the lead in creating a calmer atmosphere by breathing first, and responding (when called for) reasonably... or in ignoring baiting so as not to respond (when your response isn't really called for anyway).

If people ask you why you are not responding, explain that you need to breathe and to think-- no more or less than that.

You can give your body the experience of _doing_ something by taking a walk, or jog, or drawing or writing, or any other kind of physical activity. That can do a lot for general stress reduction, as well as helping to defuse some reactivity when it feels like all your buttons are being pushed.

if there are calm moments, use them as opportunities to tell people they are at least ok ('good' at something, or any kind of compliment you can give them that will give them something they can think about which can give them good feelings generally)

P.S. In most general form, the tip is to go around consciously aware that you can do things to help keep yourself feeling like you are _doing_ something, _and_ like you are also a calming/sane influence on the general household atmosphere. (The rest will be up to 'them' but you can opt to take the lead.)

    Bookmark   November 2, 2002 at 11:38AM
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the first 3 years we were married were the worst
he forgot who he was and lost control, his drinking went from bad to DWI fines and losing his job
but he's been over it for 2 years now ...Thank You G**!!! :o)

    Bookmark   November 4, 2002 at 3:12PM
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I've just been through it. DH went into a depression about 2 - 3 years ago & came out of it. Then DH went into a massive depression last spring & decided to treat it with alcohol. He nearly lost his job & spent a month in rehab. He's doing the AA thing now & has been sober for a month.

    Bookmark   November 8, 2002 at 12:25AM
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We've had 2 worsts. The first was when my mother died of cancer. The second time was when DH was laid off and despite his excellent experience, creditionals and references - could not get a job for 8 1/2 months. We pulled together and got stronger as a couple. But the anxiety never let up and we went through he!!. I never had trouble sleeping before, but I started waking up 3 or 4 times a night and I'm still not sleeping very well.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2002 at 1:08PM
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Well, we've been through THREE rough spots. The first was building a house, second was losing our 19 year old daughter, and the third was a ex _friend trying to squeeze between us. We've made it through all three, and our marriage is very solid, secure, intimate and loving. Whew!! Good thing we really loved/love each other!!

    Bookmark   November 11, 2002 at 2:44AM
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I think the worst time we saw was before we got married - we were dating long distance, twice. The first time I was in college, then moved back home, and he was 400 miles away in PA. We saw each other for maybe a week every couple months. It was like having your heart ripped out everytime one of us left to go back home.

The second time, I had moved to PA to live closer to him, but then he took a job in upstate New York. That was rather unexpected - what was supposed to be a two week training program turned into a full time job, and he made the decision without asking me what I thought. I guess he had to act on the spur of the moment, which was understandable. So that meant that we had to re-examine our relationship, and he had to ask me to marry him. Which he did. Planning a wedding while in two separate states, and the wedding being in a third state, was not fun. But we made it through. However, aside from some fun memories, I would never want to be in that position again. it's hard hearing people say to you, "Oh, and how do you know he's not cheating on you?" when you tell them you're in a long distance relationship. I got so sick of that.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2002 at 3:48PM
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I guess I should explain something as I did to a few people who knew my email and wrote to me personally about what I posted last.
Truly, the only heartwrenching "rough" experience that DH and I have gone through is the loss of our daughter. That is the bottom line worse. As far as building the house, very often it is a joke among married couples that if you can get through building a house, you can get through anything. I listed that as a worse time, not because it was hard for us or caused trouble, but because people expect it to be hard and we survived it well.
As far as the ex trying really hard to squeeze between us, the ex did not succeed. We have been married for 30 years and have very deep love for one another and besides that, the loss of our daughter is tops as far as what we let trouble our hearts. Nothing else can come close. NOTHING or NO ONE. I'm sure it will always be like that. Our family is most important.
Lulie Cosby

    Bookmark   November 12, 2002 at 12:18AM
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We've had nothing that strained our relationship, but the worst thing we have gone through was losing Kang, our Rottweiler, last July. He was mostly Dave's dog, and it was very hard on him. There was nothing I could do to make it better for him. Just one of those things where we had to "be there" for each other and let the grief take its course.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2002 at 10:53AM
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Ours was our now 5 yr old being born critically ill.He was diagnosed with heart problems at 11 days old and flown to dallas.3 surgeries later at 9 mths old he went into heart failure,and cardiac arrest twice and suffered a stroke all in the same night.He has spent the last 6 yrs recovering from the stroke and will always have difficulties.It has been a trying time for the entire family and when my DD was 13 she went into a severe depression and had to be hospitalized eventually twice and still is under a doctors care(She is 17 and will graduate this yr and plans on going to college and study child psychology).The strain of all this has mostly been financial (I haven't been able to go back to work because DS is ill alot year round) and emotional(it's just very stressful on everyone) and it hasn't done much for the romance but we have survived and I think we can get thru anything now.(I THINK).

    Bookmark   November 13, 2002 at 6:04PM
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Well I guess this post has shown me a couple of things. First is that even though I think that this is the worst there is still more to come.

Second, is if this is the worst that we go through just building a house we are also lucky that this is the worst. Some of you have really gone through some heart wrenching times and when I put this in perspective I have nothing to complain about. Fighting over carpet just doesn't compare. I have to say that I admire alot of everyones will power and strength.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2002 at 9:36AM
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I'm in the "thick" of it at this very time. We too are completely rehabbing a home. My husband works ALL the time and even when he's home he's working or thinking about it. When we go out just the two of us, his mind is still on work. We have 4 young children. He has left all the new house decisions up to me. I've tried all kinds of ways to deal with this and I'm struggling. I know he wouldn't be complete if I demand he works less (he's a funeral director/owner) so even he cannot control his schedule. It's Friday and he just called to let me know he's working Saturday & Sunday -- big surprise!! I feel that work is his passion and he's having an "affair" with his job. We have been married 12 years. I keep trying to talk myself out of "feeling sorry for myself" and remind myself that there are plenty of other "addictions" that could be worse but I'm having a tough time. I've always thought our communication was pretty good, but he truly doesn't see this one. Am I just a whiner????

    Bookmark   June 25, 2004 at 2:23PM
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