'Back door sex'

cindylouwho45November 13, 2008

Ok...so it seems a nicer way of referring to "anal" sex. I've been reading the posts about "sexless marriage" and some days I'd trade places! Here's my issue.....I've never been that great at sex to begin with. (It's always painful for me upon entry into the vaginal cavity.) I thought this would get better with time/age, but hasn't. I'm thinking because all of my children were born C-section and I never had that vaginal delivery to 'stretch' me? Anyway...a little over a year ago, I had to have a full hysterectomy. (I didn't mind, and at my age there were going to be no more children!) I thought perhaps my attitude about sex would change now that there were going to be no more monthly periods and the discomfort that always accompanied them. I'm also not suffering from the "dryness" that everyone warns you about after the procedure. The problem really is that to me, sex just feels like someone trying to fit a very large cucumber into the neck of a very small bottle! I tried talking to my dr. about this once....I was only told that I might want to try different positions. Not much help.

My husband has ALWAYS been really turned on by having anal sex.....not my cup of tea, but somehow along the way I decided I could handle that better than I could him trying to go in the other way. Especially since the hysterectomy. (It's also not that my husband is too big...he is of normal/typical size.)

Now the problem is that I think this is the only way my husband gets turned on anymore! If we are making love, he is always trying to go in the back door, and it's to the point now that I just have trouble even getting in the mood for sex.

Any suggestions for making sex easier? Have any others had any similar type problem and how did you deal with it?

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Well, seems like maybe your DH has gotten a bit used to things this way and maybe a bit preoccupied with anal sex.

I can relate in that my DH is what I would term obsessed with my breasts to the point that since that is what he zeros in on all the time, I am getting pretty turned off in general with having my breasts toyed with. I feel like "Hello, there are other parts here on my body!"

My suggestion would be to tell your husband as nicely as possible that you are just getting really turned off by the anal thing and would like to have vaginal sex more often. Then really lube up, sorry if this is to graphic folks, because even if you aren't experiencing dryness it will still help ease any vaginal discomfort and ask DH to be slow & gentle.

I think to after you get into the habit of having sex a certain way all the time it gets to be routine and its easier to just do it the way you always do rather than experience a little emotional discomfort at mixing things up a bit. Seems like having anal all the time would be less intimate and kind of like DH dominating you in a way also. Not judging at all here that may just be my perception of it.

If the vaginal discomfort continues I'd go see a gyno Doc perhaps a woman that is more sympathetic and can offer more advice and or solutions than a pat on the hand.


    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 11:31PM
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I'm not trying to be rude,but having anal sex isnt good for you.I know people are alot more open to it now days and stuff,largely because porn makes it seem like everyone is doing it,but from a medical aspect it is very damaging to your body.
Anal sex can can cause tiny tears in the rectum and lead to hemmorhroids as well.
A good way to get your husband to stop is to educate him on this.

Also,Cat makes some very good points.And if your doctor isnt helpful about your vaginal pain,go to a different doctor.You should not have to live with this pain.There are desensitizing creams that make sex less painful for you.For all you know it could be something serious like endometrious or cysts causing your pain.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2008 at 9:56AM
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cindylou, I have some of the same problems you do -- great deal of soreness and pain upon entry. There are two things that have helped me: first, I had surgery to "open things up", so to speak. They cut away the remnants of my hymen and surrounding tissue, and just widened the path. :)

Secondly, I've had to learn to just slow down and relax whenever we have sex. Upon entry, just have him go veeeery slowly. Once he's in, just sit there for a minute, and adjust. It does actually start to feel comfortable after a minute or two, and then we can continue. I wouldn't say I love sex now, but I'm able to enjoy it, and be involved in a way that I wasn't before.

Finally, I think it's really important that you find a doctor that is interested in helping you with your pain issues. You also may want to investigate something called vulvar vestibulitis -- there are help groups on Yahoo groups devoted to it; it's a common pain problem related to pain around the "vestibule" (i.e. opening of the vaginal cavity). And finally (really finally), you need to talk to your husband and let him know that the back door sex isn't doing it for you, and you want to explore other things to do -- try looking into "outer-course" and other fun stuff. There's a world of opportunity besides plain old intercourse and anal sex.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2008 at 12:04PM
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Oh, thank you so much for taking my post seriously! I just knew someone would come along and be a smarta$$ about my problem. (Eek!)

You guys are RIGHT ON! I forgot to mention in my post that I am prone to hemorroids already and never, ever let him near me (back there) when I am having a flare up....just too much pain to even think about it! Also, a few months ago, I developed a spot back there that I just thought was a cyst. (I had been under treatment for other cysts by a derm. at the time and just thought this was another one. The derm agreed and I thought nothing more about it.) However, after several weeks, this spot was still with me and not changing. Not painful...just 'there'. When I couldn't stand it any longer I went to a colon specialist and was told I had a "fistula" and that the only way to repair these is by outpatient surgery. I told my doctor, then, about the occasional anal sex between DH and I and she cautioned me then, that as a female, it is just not healthy and could really cause me problems down the road. She did not believe anal sex to be the "cause" for the fistula, but said that they can develope from surgeries that occurred even years before! (I had to have a hemorroidectomy in college 100 years ago!) She scheduled me for the surgery, but then the night before she called to cancel as a more urgent surgery required her attention. Long story short...I've yet to have the surgery because DH and I have had to relocate for a new job so I am currently seeking a new specialist in my town to finish the job.

In the meantime...I have let DH and I get into this rut,and I am just afraid to even approach sex, because I know he likes it anal...(In fact, the last several times, no matter what I've tried....he's only been able to ejaculate when it's been back there!!! -and believe me...I've worked hard at it!)

I know I need to sit and have a heart to heart about this, and I think he speculates that our 'back door' sex is coming to an end. Guess I'm also having a little of that ..."What good am I gonna be to him now?" syndrome.

At any rate...thank you all for your input. I really need to explore the vaginal issue. I've never heard about desensitizing creams, or the surgery to snip away parts of hymen......these sound like things I should be learning about. If vaginal sex gets more tolerable, then I wouldn't feel so badly about ending the anal, I guess.

Again...thanks for taking me seriously! You guys are great!

    Bookmark   November 14, 2008 at 5:45PM
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Well after getting a little more history I don't think you should continue with the anal sex at all anymore, it's just to dangerous for your health, period.

Isn't your DH concerned about your health issues and your satisfaction?

(Hug) Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable or hurts you sexually, ever.


    Bookmark   November 14, 2008 at 7:54PM
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Sorry if this is a naive question, but is this a very common practice? And do women climax this way? Doesn't sound like a fun thing to me. Maybe for the man.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2008 at 11:12PM
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What they said. Talk to a new doctor about other alternatives. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, and if he really loves you he'll understand. If it's not good for you that way either then you're not really accomplishing anything except to give him something that he likes and you don't. Not a win-win.
Big hugs,

    Bookmark   November 15, 2008 at 1:45AM
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for me the back door thing is like drugs, "just say no".

    Bookmark   November 15, 2008 at 9:33PM
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I like the idea of it and my husband really loves it, but I just find the experience way too painful. In the end we found that it is more the idea of it that my husband likes rather than the actual sensation. The compromise we found was just to talk about it while we are having normal sex ("dirty talk"!) which means that he can imagine it. It worked surprisingly well.

I actually find sex the usual way painful quite a lot of the time. I've asked different doctors before and been told that it's "normal". Very frustrating. It sounds like a terribly cliche but I find that sex is not painful if I try to get as relaxed and feeling as "sexy" as possible before sex - have a bath, a glass of wine or even paracetamol and a cup of tea, read erotic short stories, make sure there is lots and lots of foreplay and oral sex. I'm not necessarily recommending this, but I did smoke dope in college (I don't any more) and that helped before sex too. If I'm feeling quite stressed there is no point in even trying to have sex as it will be too painful for me.

I hope some of this might be helpful to you.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2008 at 6:56AM
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I've never understood why so many women like back door sex. Admittingly, I've tried it and I'm no prude but there so many other situations to try. My guess is it's actually a female fantasy more than a male concept.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2008 at 6:19PM
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Sorry,johnny52,but I completely disagree.While there may be a few women out there who actually like this,for most women, backdoor sex is NOT THEIR IDEA OF FUN.
To my knowledge, men are constantly asking their girlfriends and wives for it when they dont want to do it.

I have known couples to break up because the girlfriend refused to do it.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2008 at 6:45PM
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I stand corrected... You may be exactly right. My perception must have off base because I have no interest in it myself.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2008 at 9:32PM
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It is an 'exit only.'
and that's all I am going to say about that...

    Bookmark   December 16, 2008 at 11:07PM
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I think annast was right about most people interested in it just like the IDEA of it (but not actually doing it) because it is still pretty much considered a
Think about it,it is not something you'd run out the door shouting,"I love backdoor sex!".LOL...

I have known many women (who confided in me) that they felt pressured to try it by their significant others and didnt like it at all.
There is the rare exception.But you know the saying,Exception is not the rule.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2008 at 2:16AM
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I think you're exactly right on this topic. Whatever is considered Taboo is always more interesting in theory than anything else....

    Bookmark   December 18, 2008 at 6:25PM
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That's not an easy problem, and the back door solution that you came up with is not entirely a conclusive solution at all. However, there are products available that could increase your sex drive. I'll share you a link that could be useful. It worked for me, I hope it would work for you too.

Female libido supplements

    Bookmark   January 12, 2009 at 1:43AM
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Sex was painful for my wife for years. We tried everything, including the 'alternative'. It's not like I was monstrous--maybe 40% longer than average, and somewhat bigger around, but again, not monstrous.

Anyway, we suffered with her discomfort for years. She really loved me and wanted sex to be a part of that, and I really loved her, and didn't ever want to hurt her or cause her discomfort.

Well, about 3 years ago, I read somewhere that some women have a hormonal shortage 'down there', even though everything else is in balance. This hormonal shortage apparently causes the membranes to become thin and sensitive.

I told her about the article, and she asked her ob/gyn about it at her next appointment. The doctor prescribed these little plastic tubes of hormonal cream that my wife inserts twice a week. It's not 'lubricant', and she doesn't necessarily even use it on the 'special nights', but boy, have things changed. At the doctor's advice, we abstained for about a month after my wife started the treatment.

That first night, we were both so tense. I was trying so hard to be gentle and patient, and expecting the same flinching and discomfort, but I need not have worried. It was like we were 30 again. We were so happy! Everything worked like it used to.

3 years later, we are still enjoying it, and are so grateful that we didn't give up, and finally found out what the problem was.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2009 at 7:13PM
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Anal sex will eventually stretch out the bands of elastic tissue that enable you to control your bowels.

& then you're in diapers.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2009 at 6:12PM
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That certainly sounds sexy...

    Bookmark   April 8, 2009 at 6:15PM
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Cindy Lou, I read through all the posts and I think that only one poster mentioned foreplay. You didn't mention it at all, so I want to ask, is he even trying to get you "in the mood" for love or does he just want to go for it? That would certainly go a long way toward getting things ready down there. And I don't mean for anal sex (although, if you still choose to do that, it would help in that area too). If adequate foreplay isn't a part of your lovemaking, you should insist that it become a necessary part of it. If it already is, maybe you are not communicating to him what makes you feel good. As big as men's egos are, they aren't mind readers and the same things don't "do it" for all women.

And as some others said, you should experiment with positions. Sorry if this is TMI, but one of my favorites is me on my stomach and him behind. It is still vaginal, but maybe this position would mimic anal sex for your husband. I also like this position because I can control the depth of entry.

If he really loves you, he will want to please you. Communication is the key. You may be right. He may think that the end to his fun is apparent. Assure him that you love him and want to please him, but that you want to enjoy it too. If my DH sees that I'm not "into it" or if he causes me pain, it's all over for that session. He wants me to enjoy it too, because that only adds to his enjoyment.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   April 25, 2009 at 3:04AM
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Well i think you had lost your sex drive.What i will suggest you to try oral or Anal Sex first.It will help you in preparing your mental status first for sex, also there are some medicines also which can increase sex drive in women.
Link Pink kamagra or Lovegra, these pills are specially for female, which can help in increasing Libido in females.

Here is a link that might be useful: Lovegra

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 7:14AM
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Hey Cindy there is no need of that much worry sex is all about an art, just calm yourself and talk to your husband, am sure everything will be fine for both of you.

Here is a link that might be useful: Kamagra

    Bookmark   June 12, 2009 at 7:37AM
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This has nothing to do with sex drive;
it's coercion.

Repeated anal sex will stretch the bands of muscle in the anal region & the person who's on the "receiving end" of it will become incontinent.

What kind of man would pressure someone to subject herself to that?

Tell him no, you don't like it, you know the consequences, & you are not going to put yourself into Depends so he can get whatever sexual jollies he expects to get from this.

If that doesn't end the discussion, toss him out.

You don't need a mate or partner who shows this flagrant disregard for not only your preferences but your health & well-being.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2009 at 2:23PM
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anal sex does not lead to incontinence! yes there is a small chance it could, but as the above poster mentioned "it does" which seems to lead one to think it is a common thing which it isnt!(giving birth has a better chance) One could do a google search and you will find many reputable sites that back that up. But that isnt the point, if one doesn't feel comfortable doing it, their desires should be respected

    Bookmark   June 21, 2009 at 8:56AM
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Giving birth leads to incontinence more than anal sex does?

    Bookmark   June 29, 2009 at 11:01AM
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On a purely biological basis, anal sex seems unnatural to me. The anus is designed to expel waste, not receive anything. Its 'environment' is extremely toxic. To each his/her own, of course.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2009 at 5:03PM
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Due respect, but to many people any position other than "missionary" seems "unnatural" as well. Far be it from me to proclaim what hands, fingers, mouths, or anything else may be "designed" to do in pursuit of sexual gratification. Variations have been described frequently for as long as humans have known writing -- anal being one of the more common, actually.

IMHO, anal isn't the issue. Suggestion/temptation is OK. Coercion is not OK.

    Bookmark   July 2, 2009 at 6:50PM
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asolo, to be clear, I have no problem with other positions than the missionary position. In fact there are a quite a few others which I prefer.

This is not about position; it's about location.

As someone else said, the anus is an exit. Not an entrance. And a very toxic enviroment. From a purely biological standpoint.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2009 at 10:29AM
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Personally, I'm not a fan. Just saying this rather common practice -- regardless of one's personal opinion of it -- isn't the issue. Consideration and mutuality is. Coercion is always bad, IMHO.

    Bookmark   July 6, 2009 at 12:14PM
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I'm not sure how common a practice it is among heterosexual couples. I do think it gets more press than practice in real life.

The physical consequences and risks of anal sex are also an issue, and it seems to me they are often downplayed and minimized among proponents.

Totally agree with you about coercion, as well as consideration and mutuality.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2009 at 5:48PM
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No need for have these kinds of complaints today, they make a KY jelly, I believe it is? for women that actually heightens their pleasure, and I'm sure many other products of this nature for sex the normal way, you really need to try something, as it sounds your man is clueless, to your needs and or problems, or smart enough to try to fix it.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2009 at 5:16PM
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