Ex wants back in my life
I was with my ex for 11 years. The past few years he started drinking bad and our relationship fell apart. We did not get married, but were engaged and together a long time. We both were depressed the last few years and became distant.
In July, he started working out of town and went from a mean functional alcholic to a full blown raging alcoholic - drinking all the time except when not at work and even going into work drunk. At the end of August he met a bartender and hooked up with her. Then, in September he came home one weekend and left me. He ended up moving in with her and lived with her for about a month and a half.
A few weeks after leaving me, he became sick and could no longer drink. Though he did keep trying a few times. He tried to get the gf to quit drinking and she would not. He realized how horrible it is to live with a alcoholic and what he put me through since he was going through the same things.
Now he has left her and says he is sorry for everything. The catch is that he is very sick. He has lost 30 lbs in a month, bleeding rectally, vomitting constantly, can't eat, shakes from being cold, horrible diarreha, etc. He has more testing in the next week, but it appears to be crones or colon cancer based on all the initial bloodwork and symptoms.
I know I need to be there for him as his friend and I want to be there for him. Without the alcohol, he is acting like the man I fell in love with years ago. The thought of losing him or him going through his illness without me kills me. For a large part of his life, I was the only person he was close to.
If he really moves on from the drinking, is this something we can get past? He has told multiple people that I'm the love of his life and he will try to get me back, but won't push it on me. He hasn't said those things to me - only that he loves me and would like for us to get back together at some point. He is ok with me doing anything to make myself happy, including dating other men and he said he will let me make whatever decisions I need to make to make myself happy.
I know his drinking destroyed us, me and him. If in my heart I know he is done with it, I believe I can forgive him for the few bad years and leaving me for a few months. It is just the unknown on if he will ever pick the bottle back up again scares me. He hurt me bad and hurt me for years. Once he left to work out of town in July and even more so after he left me, I started doing a lot of good things for myself and in my life like working out and losing 60 lbs.
Am I a idiot for feeling the way I do? Him being sick has complicated this to a level I never expected. Maybe this is something where only time will reveal the answers. I don't know. I just needed to vent and hear whatever anyone else wants to say about it who may have been in a similar situation.