Ex wants back in my life

techigirl78November 29, 2011

I was with my ex for 11 years. The past few years he started drinking bad and our relationship fell apart. We did not get married, but were engaged and together a long time. We both were depressed the last few years and became distant.

In July, he started working out of town and went from a mean functional alcholic to a full blown raging alcoholic - drinking all the time except when not at work and even going into work drunk. At the end of August he met a bartender and hooked up with her. Then, in September he came home one weekend and left me. He ended up moving in with her and lived with her for about a month and a half.

A few weeks after leaving me, he became sick and could no longer drink. Though he did keep trying a few times. He tried to get the gf to quit drinking and she would not. He realized how horrible it is to live with a alcoholic and what he put me through since he was going through the same things.

Now he has left her and says he is sorry for everything. The catch is that he is very sick. He has lost 30 lbs in a month, bleeding rectally, vomitting constantly, can't eat, shakes from being cold, horrible diarreha, etc. He has more testing in the next week, but it appears to be crones or colon cancer based on all the initial bloodwork and symptoms.

I know I need to be there for him as his friend and I want to be there for him. Without the alcohol, he is acting like the man I fell in love with years ago. The thought of losing him or him going through his illness without me kills me. For a large part of his life, I was the only person he was close to.

If he really moves on from the drinking, is this something we can get past? He has told multiple people that I'm the love of his life and he will try to get me back, but won't push it on me. He hasn't said those things to me - only that he loves me and would like for us to get back together at some point. He is ok with me doing anything to make myself happy, including dating other men and he said he will let me make whatever decisions I need to make to make myself happy.

I know his drinking destroyed us, me and him. If in my heart I know he is done with it, I believe I can forgive him for the few bad years and leaving me for a few months. It is just the unknown on if he will ever pick the bottle back up again scares me. He hurt me bad and hurt me for years. Once he left to work out of town in July and even more so after he left me, I started doing a lot of good things for myself and in my life like working out and losing 60 lbs.

Am I a idiot for feeling the way I do? Him being sick has complicated this to a level I never expected. Maybe this is something where only time will reveal the answers. I don't know. I just needed to vent and hear whatever anyone else wants to say about it who may have been in a similar situation.

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popi_gw

I think it is good that you can forgive, because that is certainly the way to maintain your own personal happiness.

If you think about this in practical terms one would have to say that it is no wonder he wants to get back with you as you have proved yourself as being a person that could look after him in this very grim time of his life. I would wonder if he becomes well again, and you have put in the hard yards of caring for him...would he turn around and fall into old habits and hurt your feelings ?

I think in this situation you must look after yourself. You have to think about how much heartache you can bear ?

If you go into the relationship fully accepting that he may fail again but you will deal with that if it happens...then that is using your common sense, and not your emotions.

I know he has done some terrible things, and many people may say that you should turn your back on him, but he is a person who has a drinking problem, not necessarily a bad person.

This is your life and I hope that my thoughts have helped you in some way. I have no experience of the things you speak of.

All the best.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2011 at 10:04PM
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scarlett2001

Please do some research into "codependent" and see if that fits you.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2011 at 11:53PM
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marge727

Only you know what you want out of your life. Maybe its the drama of never knowing whether he will come home drunk, sick, or run off with somebody new--maybe a nurse this time. I sure hope he has some good qualities so far you haven't mentioned any. The question is --do you want a nice normal guy who comes home every night from work and is happy to see you, loving and kind who wouldn't dream of running off with some other woman. I don't think there are diseases that really prevent drinking, so I think you can expect a return of his old self. Drinking may not be advised but it wouldn't stop him.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2011 at 12:44AM
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jmc01

If he's not in therapy and AA, I wouldn't touch him with a 10 ft pole. At this point, he's nothing more than a dry drunk.

I second the suggestion to learn about co-depency - get Melody Beattie's books, get yourself into al-anon. You were living an alcoholic life, too, weren't you.

Why settle for a man who treated you like garbage?

    Bookmark   November 30, 2011 at 4:23AM
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nancylouise_gw

As the daughter of an alcoholic father, (and a mean, nasty drunk to boot he was) I would not let him back into my life. Help him get treatment for his drinking sure, but invest emotionally and lovingly h@ll no. You will never know what will set him off to start drinking again if he ever really stops. Then it will be back to the same ole', same ole'. Keep moving forward with your life. Not backwards. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   November 30, 2011 at 7:40AM
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carol_in_california

It seems to me if and when he starts feeling better he will go back to drinking.
Sounds like he may have cirrhosis of the liver....a horrible disease of which there is no cure. Doesn't sound like he is a candidate for liver transplant.
Do what you need to do but realize it will not be a happy trail if you let him back in your life.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2011 at 12:05AM
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asolo

Yeah, well, you've got all this stuff in your head about how things could have been, should have been, maybe could have been and.....blah, blah, blah.

If you want to indulge those sentiments, it's certainly your right to do so.

What's happened is that your sleaze sort-of husband got self-inflicted sick and is looking for someone to care for his worthless self-interested carcass. If that's what you want to do, by all means move ahead. Hang on your cross of "love" if that's what you need.

The problem is that you'll be needing someone to acknowledge what you do. Friends? God? I don't know. But I can tell you none of them will be there.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2011 at 7:52PM
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airforceguy

I'm a RN and like to find the good in people. Always tend to see people at their worst! Any by the sounds of it, he has treated you very poorly! And yet you still care for him, that tells me your a very good caring person. On my unit we see alcoholics all the time! When they 1st come in they are so nice. They are going to change, no more drinking, etc etc! 24-48hrs after their last drink they start going through withdrawal! Its a nightmare for them and family. (and medical staff) After awhile they settle down thanks to drugs! They swear we will never see them again. Guess what, soon most are back and back again and again. I'm very straight forward with my return pts, tell them if they don't stop, they are going to die. But alcohol is hard to beat/control for many. Its a lifelong addiction. They will use/manipulate people to get what they want, and this is to people they truly love and not walk out on! Jsst my 2 cents and not an expert opinion by no means.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 6:44PM
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catlettuce

"I know I need to be there for him as his friend and I want to be there for him.
-NO. You need to be there for YOU.

Without the alcohol, he is acting like the man I fell in love with years ago. The thought of losing him or him going through his illness without me kills me.
-Allowing him back in your life surely will quick enough.

For a large part of his life, I was the only person he was close to."
-Yes, Co-dependance and enabling.

Run thyself to a Alanon meeting and go there everyday 3 x a day if you have too until you can think straight. Then go some more. You are setting yourself up for a life pure disgusting misery and nothing good.

BTW, make sure if you do take him you use universal precautions when dealing with any body fluids, which I can assure you (after working as a detox nurse for years) you will be.

Really really hope you think this through.

~Cat

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 3:43AM
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peytonroad

well If you can reread your post and keep the emotions out of it then you may be surprised at what you read. His actions are to you were not love. A leopard doesn't change their spots either. Can't you just be friends?

    Bookmark   January 1, 2012 at 10:19PM
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nycefarm_gw

Did it myself, round two did not turn out any better than round one (except that I figured it out in half the time). The personality defects that you eventually found intolerable are still there under the layers of his "I'm sorry, you are all I ever wanted... etc".

    Bookmark   January 2, 2012 at 4:36PM
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david.w.rahfeldt

Lets look at this from a bit cold blooded strategic planning perspective ... a business decision ... for indeed what you decide can either enable opportunity or destroy your life position and functionality and opportunities.

Say he was a CAR ... and he had bad inherant design, multiple malfunctions that might temporarily go away with operation under specific conditions for a short unspecified period of time, but was it was obvious from the design that he would break down from time to time rather dramatically and expensively, and you have finally gotten up the courage to pay the cost to dump that lemmon of a car and either get a new car or a bicycle ... something that left you with better health and peace of mind and financial stability.

Would you want the lemmon back?

Why?

It would be a completely irrational act.

Ditto a human being who has inherant brain and behavior defects ...

Answer ... absolutely NOT ... you take back such a person into your life you are a complete and utter fool.

that clear enough?

    Bookmark   January 5, 2012 at 10:26AM
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roamwhereiwant2

You're being used. If that's okay with you, then okay. You don't have to take care of him. He left you. You're not married. It was over until he got sick and needed to be taken care of.

I know that none of these arguments will really get through to you. So, I won't try to reason with you. He's sick and he knows he can use you.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2012 at 3:31PM
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