I've lost 65 pounds! I'm sexy...
..and btw I am no longer in love with you!
My wife and I have been married 11 years and we have two young boys ages 8 and 10. Recently, she told me she wasn't happy in our relationship, in fact, she has felt this way for a couple of years. I do attribute this revelation to several factors: the deaths of her mother and grandmother in the last 2 years, her success at losing 65 pounds, the strain of growing a successful business.
I on the other hand have replaced my career with raising our kids, affording her the confidence to go out and partake in her own goals. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself; I lost my ambition, drive, goals, motivation. I am a great father, even my wife will vouch for that, she even admits to love me but that she is "not in love" with me, to her I became more of the father to our kids which is great, but less of the kind of man she can look up to intimately. I am rebuilding my career, and becoming more independent, it is a bit difficult to understand why my wife, with whom I am very much in love, has a desire to be rid of the relationship. She has mentioned that she would like to date (basically have sex with) other people and encourages me to do the same. This notion drives me crazy since her work requires her to travel a lot, and who knows whats happening at those hotels. I am also so very attracted to her sexually.
I think the difficult part for me is I feel this burning sense of entitlement; I accepted her when she was over weight and not terribly happy with herself at times. Nonetheless, I loved her and supported her with all my heart. I was there through thick or thin as she grew her business by insuring a well rounded home life for our boys. The late nights the times when she travelled for days even weeks at a time, while I took care of the kids even as I attempted to deal with my own clients and having limited time losing a few along the way. Now she's hotter than ever and she does not want to share that part of who she is with me. Let alone be a part of my own successes; I feel like I was there for her during a remarkable transition in her life and she is not willing to do the same! I am experiencing this shameful feeling that "she owes me". It simply hurts.
I think what angers me most is the amount of will she is placing on the demise of the relationship! Sure, IÂve seen her motivated about a great many things, but the sheer will and devotion to make it clear she "doesnÂt love me" and her ability to be distant even while IÂm in her presence is not only shocking itÂs infuriating. The very same energy placed in being so decidedly distant can be changed into something that brings our relationship to a more positive level, I believe.
Recently we've begun the process of marriage counseling with an emphasis on individual work. My wife admits, she cannot exactly pin-point her detachment from our marriage, only that itÂs "real" for her and what she is "feeling right now". All I can do is focus on myself and evolve into a better me. My old tools no longer work, my counselor and I are going to forge better ones so that I can grow and become the best I can. I donÂt do this to save the marriage entirely, but to save myself. I have given her more space, although she wants me to move out (and eventually move on). The notion of getting an apartment, to me, makes no sense and frankly feels as if I am putting one foot in the grave of this relationship.
We have planned nights out together and alone with friends in order to have time away.
I wonÂt give up so easily. I want to continue being married to my beautiful wife, and I will make every effort to do so but I have to make some changes within myself.