Viagara - Sorry long

turkeytrottNovember 6, 2007

Here's my issue a few months back my hubby (45) had a physical, everything was fine, but he did speak to the doctor due to sometimes having problems maintaining an erection. This has never caused us any problems just not as firm but still very do-able (lol). Anyways the doctor gave him a perscription for Viagra, we have had sex at least 25-30 times since then and he has only used 1 pill and to me that was just his curiousity. Anyways our marriage of 17 1/2 years have been on the rocks for the last few months to the point of him saying he doesn't know whether we should work on it. For the last month he has made a full turn around saying he is willing to give 110% to this marriage, things have been going pretty good but I was very hurt through all this. Anyways to get to the point today I was out moving stuff in our garage and found an empty pack of Viagara (not from his perscription) so I am assuming the doctor gave him a sample pack. I am livid right now. I don't believe (and maybe I am just being naive) he is or was having an affair because he calls each night when he leaves work and is home right from then. Never goes out at any other time. Now having said that he did just go away for 11 days to his hometown (which I call Trampville) but swears on mine and his childrens' lives that he did not cheat or cross any lines. The blister pack was not in the box so I pray he can show it to me or I think that after all I have went through in these last few months I am going to end our marriage. I can't take anymore hurt. He cheated on me 11 years ago (in Trampville)and I stayed if I find out he cheated again he is gone. He is at work now and I will be confronting him when he gets home.

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Well, I hope you get a satisfactory and believable explanation - keep us posted. But if he denies it, then what? Suspicion is a terrible thing. How will you know if he is telling the truth or not? Maybe he took the pills when he was with you? There is really no way for you to know for sure. If he denies it and you choose to disbelieve him and end the marriage - well, what if you were wrong? There are children here, also, how old are they?
One more thing - if he took the pills in Trampville, why would he bring an empty pack back home and put them in the garage? It seems to point to his using them at home, I think.

    Bookmark   November 6, 2007 at 2:35PM
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"Confrontation"? Too strong. You don't know anything yet. If you're concerned, by all means ask him. No need to make it up in advance.

If you want out, get out. Is the answer to this single question all that your decision hinges on?

    Bookmark   November 6, 2007 at 3:33PM
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turkeytrott -

You might want to take a "wait and see" approach on this one.

You mentioned that DH has been unfaithful once to you in the past. It is understandable that you might have some issues with trust but it has been quite some time since that incident.

Wondering, did you ask to go with him on his visit out of town? Did he say yes or no. If he said "yes" then that is a good sign.

If you want to and can, why not go with him?

Try not to jump to conclusions yet.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 1:25AM
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So here's what happened...I asked him to explain why I would find this empty pack in the garage he said the doctor had given it to him and that they were in his truck all but 1 of them which he claimed he used with me to see if it seemed any different, that is what he said when he wanted one from the ones' I bought. I do not believe that he needed to try one from each pack to see if it made a difference and my biggest issue is that he hadn't told me the doctor gave them to him and instead had me spend over $100.00 on the pack I picked up ,(we do not have much money to waste) He knows that I do not accept secrets or lies and due to all the hurt he has caused me lately I feel that this was wrong for him to keep from me, there is other little lies I have caught him in recently. Anyways he stormed out of our room saying you believe what you want and that I always have to be right I did not raise my voice and he would not even let me finish a sentence. Then he slept on the couch. I said then maybe we should just file for a seperation and he said go ahead. I am so tired of feeling pain. Yes we have 4 kids one is moved out the others are 17,16 and 12. I wish he was willing to talk I don't even know if he read my letter although he says he did I gave it to him this morning at 2 when he was playing on the computer. Where the heck do we go from here ?

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 7:35AM
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So here it is now friday we haven't spoke since tuesday night when he blew up at me and he finally spoke to me for 5 minutes this morning, we were suppose to go out of town to see our oldest daughter and grandson tomorrow and he asked if I was still going I said yes that I had put off going for the last 2 months to try and save our marriage. Our Grandson is 4 months old and it has been a long time since I saw him. He has not come home either night from work but it wasn't too late when he did. So although I did not accuse him of anything and he is the one that got angry it seems we are at a stalemate, I am not willing to kiss his a$$ anymore. So today I picked up our court papers we will probably have to continue living in the same house due to finances,yeah by the way he came back to our bedroom Wednesday night even though we hadn't said a word to each other. I love him dearly and this is really killing me but I am tired of beating a dead horse. I am going to rearrange my house when I return so that he sleeps in the spare room. Can anyone give me advice about trying to live together but apart emotionally.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 2:25PM
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That's probably the worst choice (living together but apart emotionally) you could make. Either leave him or don't. You're still living in limbo.

If I'm remembering your other post correctly... your relationship is full of drama. It wouldn't surpise me a bit if your husband were having an affair but at the same time, I think you are highly contributing to your rocky marriage. You either need to trust him or not. This counting his pill thing (and other demands about not going to trampville, etc) has got to stop. If he is not cheating on you, I can only imagine that you may be driving him to want to.

It obvious you want to stay together but are getting to the point with your ultimanums that you have nothing left to bargain with. Your husband is probably so sick of your drama that at this point that he may be hoping that you leave him.

Personally I would use what little money you have and get a PI or tail him yourself to see if he is having an affair. If you don't find any REAL evidence, then drop the shenanigans, ultimatuns and accusations once and for all and let him live in peace.

Did if ever occur to you that maybe he is embarassed that he is taking viagra and is maybe going to act like he isn't/doesn't have to take it that much even though he needs it? Maybe that's why he got more medicine than you were aware of. Leave the guy some pride and dignity.

I'm not sure if this was addressed on the other post, but I believe you would benefit from some counseling. I doubt you ever got over his cheating on you years ago and I think it is tearing up your marriage. I think if you could come to terms with it, you may be able to more forward in a more positive direction with your marriage.

Other possibility... your husband is a big pig and has been and will continue to cheat on you forever. In that case, you can either accept him as he is and choose to stay with him (STD's and all), or you can choose to totally leave him. You're not really going to welcome his girlfriends into the house your both living in or subject yourself to wondering where he is on the nights he doesn't come home? Please, that will only drive you crazy.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 2:56PM
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my BF lived with ex in the same house but emotionally separate waiting for kids to grow up and leave the house, they got divorced right away as kids were out of the house.

He is angry and bitter now that he agreed to that, same with her, they feel they wasted the best years of their lives, kids do not appreciate it, she ended up having an affair and he ended up taking up alchohol.

They both wished they never did it and either tried to fix their marriage or got divorced early in life. It did a lot of emotional damage to them and their children. And it also effects their personal lives and relationships with new partners now.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 3:17PM
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Carla's advice sounds very sensible to me --
The WHOLE package - not just the part about the private investigator.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 4:36PM
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I don't know the truth of the matter. Do know that I was once married to an inherently jealous woman. (Yes, there were signs during courtship, too. Didn't heed them.) Her suspicions and confrontations poisoned the union thoughout. Unlike your case there was no basis for them in reality whatsoever. I never lied to her about anything and never did anything or acted in any way that would make any normal person think I would even consider it. It was, perhaps, the major reason I bailed. I might as well have lied and had affairs because the price was the same regardless.

If you can't believe what he says or trust his behavior, get out of there. If you decide you can/will, then take it off the table and never mention it again. Nobody wants to live with a harpie. If you can't put this to bed between you, I don't see much hope.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 5:01PM
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I have to disagree, respectfuly. I don't see this wife as obsessively jealous or a "harpie" - she has had her trust broken before and what is love, if not trust? This festering wound is at the bottom of all their interactions.

My take is that until she deals (THEY deal) with this old baggage she can't trust or be a really loving wife nor he a trustworthy and truly loving husband. There is an elephant in the room! I hope they will go to couseling, or if he refuses, she will go because trust issues can extend to her future relationships, either with the present husband or future men.

As far as legal papers and separate bedrooms, they are just throwing rocks at each other right now, because they are expressing hurt and anger. Don't point a gun unless you mean to fire it, don't get a divorce started unless you mean to go through with it. Right now they need a referee to get the communication going and to sort out fact from suspicions. How else will they ever know if they did the right thing or threw it all away because of unfounded doubt?

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 11:52PM
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It's me again things are the same and yes I do plan on going through with the divorce, no I am not a drama queen and we had 11 absolutely wonderful years since his affair and if you read the post right it says I don't believe (and maybe I am just being naive) he is or was having an affair. I believe he is going through some mid life crisis I feel like I am living with Dr. Jekyl, Mr Hyde I have asked him to go to see someone by his self or with me and he says no doesn't really believe in it and after his affair we did go to counseling. I would say we had a better marriage after his affair then before. It's the hurt and the lies that are causing this to end and you can believe whatever you want about me but I have not once yelled or said anything hurtful to him and also I asked him to explain why this was kept a secret,he got this pack before he told me he wanted out,and obviously this does not affect his dignity or he would have went and filled his own perscription not gave it to me to do. He has been a wonderful man for so many years that all this hurt has seemed to come out of left field. I just can't handle lies and secrets I feel that is too much, I have never kept a secret or told a lie to him. He has put me down so much over the last two months it is crazy and prior to that never has he said cruel things to me I really believe he is having some kind of crisis and won't seek help. I would do anything to have the man back I lived with 3 months ago but he seems to be gone and I can't keep this up all by myself. I am booking an appointment to see somebody by myself not to try to save what we had but to try to let go of him with a little more self respect and dignity of my own.I will always love him, have for 30 years but it is time to let go.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2007 at 6:20AM
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If you've really only had problems for the last 3 months why not stick it out; maybe he's just going through a bout of depression or something similar or maybe you are the one going through the bout and aren't really aware of it.

I'm just not sure what you are so mad about with him all the time. Without knowing he is lying or what he has lied about, why are you divorcing him? I know you may not think you are being a drama queen but if you re-read your last post (and probably the one(s) before it, it seems like you are always leaving him. Why are you divorcing him? 3 months of him being "off" (maybe going through a midlife crisis) is nothing to leave him over especially if you love him and have no real proof of any wrong doing. And suggesting you will still live together... that's just more crazy drama in itself. I think sweeby hit the nail on the head with her last post on the thread below. Have you considered her advice?

Here is a link that might be useful: Other Post

    Bookmark   November 10, 2007 at 11:08AM
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Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemies. Our insecurities, and behavior cause the very situation that we feared the most.

I think that before you do anything, you need to get away alone for a week or two. And you need to really think through, what you are doing. You have not healed from the past. Like someone who had something traumatic happen to them, sometimes the trauma reappears many years later. Perhaps this is what is happening here. I am sure it did not help that he wanted to return to the place where the betrayal occurred, alone, to see his family. It re-ignited all of the trauma, fears, insecurity, emotions, etc. that have been pushed aside, to raise your family. But it lurked in the shadows, like an elephant in the room.

But his motives were probably innocent. He may have wanted to simply go "home", and be with his family, as he was when he was a child growing up. You would have changed the dynamics. Especially if you have "issues" with his family. I can understand wanting to be alone with your childhood family. And simply "be".

Your wanting to go, was not because you wanted to spend time with his family. It was because this is where the trauma occurred. And it brought all of your old wounds to the surface. The fear, the insecurities, the what-ifs.

But it appears that your behavior and response is bringing about that which you fear the most.

Find someone to talk all of this through. Your emotions are what they are, and you need someone to talk to that can help you make sense of it all, and actually heal. It sounds like your DH loves you. You love him. You have children and a family counting on you two to somehow repair the damage that was done to your marriage. Do the work (through counseling) to bring about healing, so that you will both find peace.

Post after post has said that this doesn't make sense. That is a clue that your emotions may be guiding you down the wrong path. This is a time where I believe that you need someone to talk to, before you make one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

Spend some time on the step parent forum. Do you really want to push your DH into the arms of someone else, and go down that path? Do you want that for your children?

Go and clear your head, and think through very carefully the path you are "choosing". Sometimes, our emotions lie to us. And sometimes, they are clues that something is wrong. If your DH cannot be trusted, than sweeby is right. But if he once made a mistake, and has lived an honorable life since, than you are making a huge mistake, and I think you will regret throwing away your marriage, on fear.

Tread very, very slowly here.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2007 at 8:34AM
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You have to be by your hubby's side at such times give him some time talk to him, breaking relationships is easy but making them work is the difficult aspect its up to to you what you choose.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2015 at 2:56AM
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Um, do you realize U are replying to something posted many years ago?

    Bookmark   January 15, 2015 at 3:56AM
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