What to do?

whens_enoughNovember 27, 2006

I have been married for 6 almost 7 years, my wife has felt she was "in charge" and makes most of the decisions with things, lately It has been getting to me she seems to have her favorite Children and does more for them and when I question it she makes up excuses to why.. Well now she is wanting to move and I'm not wanting to, but she went ahead and told the lady we would take the house, it needs lots of work, that we don't have money for.. I let her know that I was unhappy with this decision but she doesn't care....

I'm to the point that I'm thinking of leaving.. What should I do??

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Your examples don't seem all that odd to me.

Just last month my BIL bought a house without really consulting with his wife first. My husband went and bought a car without really discussing with me. Well, it went something like...I'm buying this car..no you're not, yes I am, really, yes, you better not, I am, ok, well, you better not...and he did anyway. I was too tired to even argue about it.

There are also arguments about how to raise children and forms of disipline.

Although, you may very well have some serious concerns (lack of money for the house, etc) and she shouldn't be buying a house without you (Come on, you do have to sign for it too, right?).

We all have to give in and don't get our way from time to time. But, it sounds like you're not happy and she's very controlling. Maybe some counseling is in order. I'm thinking there's more to it than her wanting to move, and your thinking she's not treating all the kids the same.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2006 at 3:44PM
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Attempting to obligate you for a house is waaaaaay over the edge. Drop the hammer right here and don't go any further until you get to the bottom of this.

If she's got her own money and is leaving, that's one thing. If you're a "normal" couple with the usual financial concerns this is really bad news.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2006 at 4:51PM
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I'm with Asolo on this --

Have you been absolutely 100% crystal clear with her that you do not want to move and don't think you can afford the house? Or are you "trying to be nice" so you don't upset her? She needs to understand that you absolutely don't want to move, that you WILL not move, and that if she wants to buy the house for herself, she'll probably have to wait for the proceeds of your divorce settlement to come through?

Also, I don't think a verbal agreement on real estate is legally binding...

FWIW, I did buy a car once without my husband, but we had already decided we were buying one (for me, within a week or so) and on how much we were spending. He was surprised, but not unhappy. Turned out to be a great car, which helps...

    Bookmark   November 27, 2006 at 5:47PM
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I get the feeling that your wife has had her way on pretty much everything for the last 6+ years. Why should she expect anything different now?

I don't think that it is normal or healthy for the finances of a married couple to be dictated by one person. My husband stays on top of the daily bills and keeps me alert to times when money is a little tight. But we agree on spending limits for things like birthdays, holidays, and major purchases. I'd never buy a car without consulting him, and he does the same with me. It's a simple matter of respect. Our finances are completely joint. That means the decisions are also completely joint. We wouldn't have it any other way.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2006 at 9:22PM
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"Our finances are completely joint. That means the decisions are also completely joint. We wouldn't have it any other way."

Good girl, meghane. Smart, too!

Seems to me you're either together or your not. Serious money matters are typically instant indicators. I've known many couples who thought otherwise. They're all divorced.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2006 at 9:59PM
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Problem is... with 'whens enough' description you can't really tell how bad the problem is....I know many couples where one partner wants to move and one doesn't (and one of them thinks they can spend more than the other, etc). More often than not, people disagree at least about some aspects of wanting to buy a house, but I highly doubt his wife can or has actually bought a house without him. Really, I think she's just letting off steam about wanting a bigger house and told a neighbor she's interested in their house. Wouldn't he have to co-sign for a loan anyway?

And, I'm not not understanding the favorite child thing either. What, she bought new jeans for one of the kids and not the others or what? Again, many couples disagree on at least some childrearing things.

It would be nice if they were on the same page about everything in their life...when to buy exactly what house for how much and exactly how to treat and raise the children but marriage is a compromise and sometimes you have to give a little.
I think there are marital problems, but I'm not sure they are the specific ones he listed.

There's just so many ways to take the disputes in question. Just like the car situation I listed with my husband. No, I didn't want him to buy the specific car he bought. But did I tell you his car had died and he needed a new one? Or, that I just had a baby so I couldn't go out looking with him as I had hope? He did bring a test model home for me to see, though. Plus, he had done a lot of car research, and I had done none, nor do I know the first thing about cars. Additionally, the car would only be for his use, so my opinion about aspects of it didn't 'really' matter. Futhermore, he never spends money on himself. So, did I want him to buy the car he did...No, it was too expensive, IMHO (I would have been happy with him taking the bus for a while - LOL) but it made him happy, so it was what I considered a marriage compromise and I dropped it. He got his way about his car, and I get my way about other things. And, we're not bankrupt after all.

Would I love to be married to a guy who agreed with me about every house, every car, and every child issue? Maybe, but probably not.

I just think there's a lot more to the story then we are understanding...and again, I really don't think she BOUGHT a house without him, so I think we are dealing with a couple that are disagreeing on, if, and how much, they can spend on a house and something about her having a favorite child. I'd be interested in hearing her side of the story.

    Bookmark   November 27, 2006 at 11:39PM
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I just think "whens enough", you need to SPEAK UP.

Say what you think. You can say it in a nice way "Darling, I am happy living where we live, I don't want to move.".

"Darling, I am concerned about child no. 2, I feel she needs to get a bit more attention."

You may feel like leaving, but you need to find out better ways to communicate with your beloved, and give that a shot.

You said she wears the pants, well its time for you to put them on.

and Asolo....love your comments, short and too the point, and brimming with wisdom. Keep it up.

    Bookmark   November 28, 2006 at 2:01AM
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