Im being abused

sushinutNovember 17, 2011

My husband is a verbal and emotional abuser. Just last night I was changing in the bathroom and I heard him say to our 3 year old to open the door. I quickly locked because i do not want my little one to see me nude and also because i don't want to hear later that I'm fat and disgusting (even when others seem to find me attractive). He got so angry and called me the C word. Then he brought up that that morning I asked him why he had a spanish newspaper in his car (something I found amusing so I brought it up since he does not speak spanish). He says i'm always askig him what he is doing, which is not true. He is addicted to porn and looks at really gross stuff and he does things behind my back, so he gets defensive because of guilt. He does not cheat on me, I believe, but his actions online are strange. I'm tired, worn out, wasted, sad, unhappy and worst of all, short tempered with my children, especially my 10 year old. He controls the money, I don't drive nor can I learn because he yells at me and he won't give me money for driving school. I live over two hours away from my family. Sometimes I think it would be better if i just died. What can I do? How can I help him change? I'm tired of walking on eggshells all the time and I really think he's got a mental problem.

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Can I ask you, why in the world did you marry someone like that in the first place? Surely you knew what he was like before you married him. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   November 17, 2011 at 4:48PM
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Not necessarily, nancylouise. Abusers rarely show their true colors until the prey is captured. So to speak.

Sushinut, you're not going to be able to "help him change". It's who he is. Repeat after me: It's who he is. Is that Ok with you? Is that what you want your children to see .... him treating you in this way? If so, then they'll grow up to think it's ok.

We are hearing "your side", and that's all I have to go on. Assuming he is abusing you as you indicate (and I have no reason to doubt you), it will not change, your children will be damaged and come to disrespect you for putting up with it. Can you enlist family to help you out, go stay with them temporarily (with you children, of course)? I know you said you live 2 hours from them, but so what? That's not that far.

Does your husband want to change? Does he even think there's a problem? Or does he think that you're the problem?

    Bookmark   November 17, 2011 at 9:24PM
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Honey, my daughter lives on the other side of the country and if I had any hint she was in a situation like yours, I'd be on the next plane over with DH in tow. Talk to your family and get their help in getting you out of there. As suzique says, you don't want your kids to grow up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat _anyone_ let alone a spouse.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2011 at 11:35PM
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You cant help him to change,he will never change.I hate these men they have no respect for women,it wont get better ,just worse.I wont tell you to leave because you really have to want to leave and you will one day.Stop walking on eggshells,dont be a doormat,stand up for yourself ,he is a bully and is aware of what he is doing to you,if he sees its not bothering you ,he will back off.Just concentrate on your kids and let the mental pig do is own thing.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2011 at 4:40AM
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That's what makes me wonder why she married him. As all of you have said he isn't going to change...which I agree with completely. Thinking he was like this before they were married. Even just a hint of how he really was would have made me walk away before getting married.
But the others are right start making plans to leave. He won't change. You need to go and take the children with you. This is no way to live or raise a family. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   November 18, 2011 at 7:19AM
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OK, let me say first that yes this guy sounds like a jerk and a lousy husband, and I see no problem with the advice given that she should leave him....but....

To say "you need to go and take the children with you".....sorry but this guy is the kids' father and has rights too. Sure he might be a lousy husband, but unless he is dangerous/abusive/etc., he still has as much rights to those kids as she does.

Sorry, but a as a dad who's lived thru the fear of my then wife possibly leaving me and taking the kids away from me when I found out she was having an affair (before I started talking to people and found out that thankfully the law prohibited her from doing this), I will always be very sensitive to women who view the kids as "theirs", instead of belonging equally to both parents.

Thankfully this never happened to me and we are peacefully divorced sharing 50/50 custody of the kids.....but before I knew better...I was devastated thinking she might be able to just "take" the kids from me.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2011 at 10:46AM
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Living in a house where you are constantly "walking on eggshells", taking abuse from a husband that doesn't care if the children see how he treats his wife and their mother and you want the kids to stay and see all that. Sorry, I wholeheartedly disagree with you. Take the children and go when you are able. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   November 18, 2011 at 4:42PM
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"What can I do? How can I help him change? "

You can seek counseling or leave.
You cannot and will not change someone who is as bad as you say.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2011 at 5:16PM
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"To say "you need to go and take the children with you".....sorry but this guy is the kids' father "

Maybe not... she says MY 10 year old.

    Bookmark   November 18, 2011 at 5:17PM
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Tons of people, myself included, refer to their children as MY children...I don't see how this means it's not the guy's kids...I mean it could be, but I wouldn't necessarily assume it based on one word.

And a word of caution about the term "abuse"...I think its way overused, it means different things to different people. Just because the marriage is not working and he is a jerk to her in the marriage, doesn't mean he is truly abusive to her, and i didn't see anything about his behavior in front of the kids, so to assume this is a truly toxic household and that gives her the right to take the kids out of there is a bit of an assumption I think.

My ex actually used the term "years of abuse" during one of the arguments we had when our marriage was breaking up after her second affair. I supported her, was always respectful of her, worked my butt off so she could be a stay-at-home mom, was faithful, came home right after work to be with the family and work on the house.....abuse? Sure we were not a good match in terms if interests, etc...and of course I could have paid more attention to her, which is what I realize now is the only thing that matters to her...but to classify how i treated her for 10+ years as abuse is ridiculous, so I am always skeptical of the use of that word unless I see true signs of it. The fact that he called her the "C" word one tim does not count as abuse. Now if it's a constant thing and in front of the kids...that would be a different story.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2011 at 9:47AM
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"..."abuse"...I think its way overused..."

Agree. Spousal jerk-wadiness doesn't automatically equal "abuse". Does sound like an utterly unpleasant union, however.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2011 at 10:45AM
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If he 'doesn't let' her drive, encourages the kids to disobey or disrespect her (ex. the bathroom door incident), 'controls' the money to control her, and calls her names -- I'd say that amply qualifies as abusive.

The other posters are right -- He won't change. He doesn't want to.

As to your not being able to learn to drive -- That's not technically correct. Sure 'driving school' is the easiest answer, but it's not the only way to learn. You have Internet access, so look up your state's department of motor vehicles (or whatever they call it) and find out the requirements for adults learning how to drive. There are other options -- Do you have any friends who could teach you? Maybe in return for you babysitting their kids?

While I have to concede that the kids' father does still have rights to see his children, you have the right not to live on eggshells. Call your area's agencies that help women in abusive situations. Sure - some women deal with worse abuse. But the abuse you suffer is damaging to you and your children, and the folks there will help you plot a way out.

The first step is the hardest...

    Bookmark   November 19, 2011 at 1:56PM
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I have been married almost 42 years, and although we do argue at times, we respect each other. I don't see that in what you describe as a marriage. He has control over you and you feel like nothing. I doubt a situation like that will change unless he is willing to change. Don't beat yourself up, but know that you are giving him the permission to lord over you. He's getting away with everything he can. It would have been better to challenge his behavior since the beginning but you'll have to at some point. Never believe that you should die over this. Don't give him that much power over you. If you think you are in any danger from this man get others involved. He apparently wants you to know your place and be quiet. I'm sorry you are so unhappy but please do something to change things, it's up to you now.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2011 at 6:30PM
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i would call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They will give you some local numbers to call and discuss your individual situation with an advocate. They will help you determine if it is indeed an abusive or dangerous situation. Be careful what you type online, as he could trace what sites you've visited. Also, call from a friend's house or other phone so he cannot see who you've called. Best of luck to you and the children.

    Bookmark   January 1, 2012 at 1:59PM
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Now it clearly sounds like this chap is not as civilized as he might be and has some issues ... however ... there is a bit of a flavor here of "man bashing" in many of these posts ... and while often men are indeed at fault in such situations, lets be clear that real world situations often "cum a croppers" because BOTH parties were unrealistic in their expectatons and lacked the knowledge and experience and skills to handle the situations and stresses in a mature and reasoned and sensible way.

rather than allocating blame ... or fixing the blame, we need to keep an eye to helping people and fixing the problems and challenges they have.

again, while there are geniunely evil people in the world, most of the time disasters and suffering occurs just because folks allowed a situation to be created that they lacked the capacity to manage in a constructive and rational manner. No evil was there, just a confluence of unrealisitic expectations, lack of experience, lack of skills, and stressors ... and then bad things unfold.

Whether a sports stadium that collapses during construction, a performance roof that collapes during a wind storm or a marriage that is in trouble, once the disaster unfolds, everyone can see what was wrong ... in perfect hindsight ...

None of us knew better before we knew better ...

Sadly experience is often a painful teacher ...

I think this gal is doing remarkably well ..

What you need to remember is that this will pass, you will get thru this and look back and laugh at this times of depression and sadness ...

We all chuckle at our foolishnesses from the past, once they are sufficiently in the past ...

Keep a positive outlook, evaluate your options ... and then move on

Be well and do good unto all

    Bookmark   January 5, 2012 at 4:50AM
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Men never change. Leave him at once. Take your kids to your family and divorce him. Take him for everything he has. You're worth it and life is too short to be verbally and emotionally abused. Best wishes.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2012 at 2:09AM
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"Men never change."

Ahh yes...only the men at badly in marriages...tell that to my two-time cheating ex wife.

    Bookmark   January 16, 2012 at 10:17AM
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People do change.

I am sure my DH and myself have become better people over the years. I have found that time and experience does make you a better person.

We are better because we have learnt from the problems we have encountered on the way.

But, really, you can only change for the better if you admit that you have a problem and are willing to fix it.

Mkroopy - let it go, forgive your wife and move on.

    Bookmark   January 18, 2012 at 1:19AM
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How about we meet half-way on that one? I have moved on, am happy in my new relationship of 4 yrs, and deal with my ex cordially on a day-to-day basis so we can be the best parents to our kids possible...but my opinion of her will never change.

All things considered I think I handled it very well....even my friends (male and female) think so. But sometimes when I hear some of the "man bashing" that goes on, be it in these forums or elsewhere.....I can't help but chime in, just to present the other side of the story that is probably less talked about....

    Bookmark   January 18, 2012 at 4:02PM
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I am "sushinut" and I did not write this. I don't know who did and I'm sorry you guys invested time answering but it's either fake or someone used my profile to post their problem. My husband's a pain in the butt sometimes but he's nothing like that.

    Bookmark   February 25, 2012 at 11:21AM
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"..."abuse"...I think its way overused..."

I agree; I also feel the word "judgmental" is way overused.

    Bookmark   March 1, 2012 at 7:33AM
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