Had my surgery!

catlettuceNovember 24, 2009

Hi everyone,

I had my surgery a few days ago. It went well and I am recovering well. Only bad thing was the surgeon said there was a lot of arthritis, more than he expected in the joint so results might not be as good as I hoped for but that it would definately be an improvement. I can't tell much now because I'm still swollen and have some post op pain, but it's easing up and is tolerable with minimal pain meds.

DH has been a help and good about getting me ice packs and running to the grocery and such. Though I can tell he is irritated with how needy I was the first few days. He was gone the day after surgery all day so when he got home I had a list of stuff I needed him to do. This experience has hammered home once again ( and obviously I need that!) that I am not in the place I would want to be in his heart.

Little drama last night, I did not take bait though. SS is going up north hunting and wants to take GS, however there is no school Weds, DH tells me that SS's ex has travel plans (like I care) and told SS that if he could not take GS for entire day Weds then he could not have him for the wkend. Then DH tells me he is working weds and doesn't know if he can take GS. I told him I am not able to care for a 5 yr old after knee sx, sorry and maybe GS just won't be able to go this time. DH got very defensive and said "Well, I understand why SS wants to take him I used to take my boys to stuff like that too and they loved it!" Okaayyyy.. He was obviously upset I wasn't going to offer to babysit, but I just said well I'm sorry, we can't always do everything we want to do. He then decided he will take GS to job with him & he will keep him for SS all day weds to thurs am. Okay.

So basically I just let it roll off my back, DH went to sleep pissed at me, and there you go. Keep in mind I have not seen GS since we moved, it's been months. there is no relationship between GS and me or SS and me any longer, and that is OK with me, but not DH.

So yea, it just hammered it home to me. I don't think I mishandled anything. I said no, didn't cave. Dh will do it, which is ok I can get around myself alright now. We have a WII setup here GS can play in the evening. So, I don't get why was DH upset? Did he actually think babysitting was a good idea less than a week after surgery?

Or is it just his need to rescue SS from any bit of uncomfortable or working a problem out himself?

OK, go ahead, lambaste me if you will. though first let me say, that it just made me think to myself "What are you doing here? This will never stop, it will always be drama and DH will always be angry when you refuse to play along."

I see it, I really do. I don't want to play this game anymore.


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Hmm, no GS over here and DH is on the job alone. I didn't realize it was Weds already! Works for me. I'm not sure what happened but DH did not mention it to me again and is back to normal and behaving quite pleasantly towards me. I am not foolish enough to think anything has changed, I was just isssued a reprieve for this instance.
No matter, I will finish up my Xmas shopping online today and go play around with my new graphics tablet.

I'm back on the hunt for a position in a warmer climate and should be ready to go Jan 1st if all heals up as planned-Yea!

I'm ready, I do not feel so torn anymore. I want to go be near my family very badly. I just hope I can find a position within a hours drive of my son. Hope everyone here has a nice holiday.


    Bookmark   November 25, 2009 at 2:03PM
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Good luck Cat and happy healing. I'm rooting for whatever solutions pulls your son out from under the bus.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2009 at 2:55PM
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Thanks Jessy :0)

My son is doing very well, but I appreciate your kind thoughts!


    Bookmark   November 25, 2009 at 5:13PM
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All the best Cat. May the new year bring some happiness and peace of mind.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2009 at 5:55PM
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Glad you're finally considering yourself for a change, Cat! I cannot believe anyone would expect a person who had just had surgery (especially one which would affect mobility) to babysit a five year old. Where the he:: is D (and I don't mean "Dear") H's brains at? My first thought was, why doesn't SS look after his own kid if it's so important to him?
Good luck with the move, I really hope you find a happier place. Lord knows you deserve it.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2009 at 11:03PM
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You did so well! Good for you for setting boundaries in an acceptable way. I've been wondering how you're doing, popping back in every now and again. I can see it's been awhile. :) Happy healing!


    Bookmark   December 15, 2009 at 9:01AM
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yay!!! Good job Cat!

    Bookmark   December 15, 2009 at 1:06PM
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Hi All,
Yes I have been working on that boundary thing and it is hard for me!! I really had to get back on track. I'm halfway through PT and it's going very well.

Back here in LaLa land not so well. I have stepped up my job search to include permanent jobs near my family, not just travel. I need to get out of here badly before I self implode.

I go back & forth between telling DH or just leave when he is away and leave a letter. I know that sounds cowardly but I am afraid!! And I don't know why. He's never been physically abusive. I just don't think I can deal with any more argueing/drama from him-period. I would like to be in a place where I can be completely open and say I'm leaving, this is why (though he knows what the issues are), BYE. But I am terrified in my gut to do it like that. I figure just get out, no matter how I do it.

Last night he told me he could use a little help moneywise and my response was "you are the one choosing to support another family & home." In other words-No. I pay for my fair share and I'm not & can't pay for anymore. Then that was dropped.

That's a mini update. I just wish there was a non-messy way to just pack my crap & leave. Which is my plan, but I would like to be able to do it without drama & rages, just quietly slink away.


    Bookmark   December 19, 2009 at 10:11AM
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Hey Cat-

A friend told me that "there are some messes you just have to walk away from", in other words there's really no way to tie this all up neatly and cleanly so you can feel good about it......it doesn't really matter if you leave in the middle of the night or tell DH in broad daylight, if he hasn't figured it out by now, a final confrontation isn't going to suddenly make him understand. You've spent years trying to "fix him", a last attempt won't have any real effect. You have given him many, many opportunities to step up to the plate and be a marital partner, he has refused, there's really nothing left to say.

And in the long run it really won't make any difference to you....your task is to put yourself in a good place physically and financially, and to start recovering emotionally......so stop worrying about him and his reaction, and start thinking about YOU, your future and your concerns.

And don't "slink" away, as if you are doing something horrible, you should be proud you are finally standing up for yourself.

And congrats on turning down his request for money, I guess he and his kids are both good at expecting a handout.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2009 at 12:18PM
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Honestly Cat, I was shocked that he asked for money.And proud of you that you turned him down.

Question: Do you think the drama of you leaving will be more uncomfortable than the pain of you staying?

Rip the band-aid off. We'll be here to give kisses to your boo-boo. :)

    Bookmark   December 21, 2009 at 1:30PM
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Thanks so much both of you & I may be taking you up on the booboo's- I am very afraid for some reason.Still love him but need to get a life where I matter.

I finished all my shopping for my family with the exception of DS whom wished for but told me not to get a particular item. DH & I were out shopping for GS yesterday, finishing up & I found the item used but in good condition, went to pay for it & DH whipped out the CC, I told him no I wanted to get it but he was insistent he was paying for it- the guy ringing us up took his card & that was that. Now I know it was him trying to be nice and make a gesture twards my son. He said "I want to help,I love you!". I cannot tell you how uncomfortable and guilty I felt. I thanked him, and we went about the rest of the running around. It was very nice, but am taking it for a nice thing to do and letting it go. I was borderline on getting tacky in the store but didn't want to make a scene. While we were shopping DH mentioned that SS's new GF(yes,live in again) will be coming to our place for xmas and we needed to get her a gift too.

It is all very bizarre & the more I move away emotionally the more he seems to hold on.maybe holidays are making him melancholy, I don't know but I can't go there again.

Lord just let me maintain my composure and get through next Sat. I so badly want to be with DS & my folks instead of with people that don't give 2 ***ts about me.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2009 at 2:35PM
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Hey Cat-

I think courage is defined as doing the right thing even when you are scared....and while I've said folks here can deliver a good buttkicking, they can also be very supportive when you take action to improve your life.

Based on DH's latest antics (asking you for money but then loading up his credit card) it's pretty clear that he's JPN (Just Plain Nuts). If being everybody elses piggy bank makes him feel good, well, that's his personality problem, not yours, and you should not feel guilty about it or try to protect him from himself (god knows you've tried often enough). If you had co-mingled finances you would have to find a way to make him stop it, but it sounds like your finances are separate, so his financial insanity does not ruin your credit or bank account (good for you!).

And yes, he's probably noticing (albeit unconciously) that you are starting to pull away so he's getting clingy, but don't fool yourself that "things are getting better"....if you went back to the old situation he'd just relax and start ignoring you again.

And yeah, being with folks who actually care about you is a whole different world. I was pretty sick a while ago, I told one of my friends, who in turn called another of my friends and they both checked up on me until I was better...it actually brought tears to my eyes, all my ex would have done is carp and moan about having to walk the dog because I was flat in bed....what a witch...

You go, girl.....and I mean go, out of there and into a new life.

    Bookmark   December 22, 2009 at 6:55AM
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good luck with everything whatever you planned. don't be afraid.

    Bookmark   December 23, 2009 at 12:33PM
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