unusual dilemma

fuzmodanNovember 12, 2006

hi there,

My husband and I have been married for 4 months. We have been together for 12 years now. The reason for the delay in getting hitched was due to us having different beliefs as far as religion was concerned, but we have sorted out these issues.

We eloped. I felt that my parents would not be able to accept my decision regarding religion, and thought it would be easier to get married overseas. Now 4 months later, I have still not told them neither has my husband told his parents.

I spoke to an aunt, and she said that my dad would be very dissapointed, since he always hopes that I will leave my partner and go back to the faith I was born into.

My husband also does not want me to tell my family. He is a very private person and is not very close to his family. People never ask him about his personal life, not even his close friends.

He says he does not want people knowing about us being married, but I feel that I want to tell my family. I am almost 30 and feel it is silly to be living like this.

I have told some friends of mine and my husband is fine with that.

But I seriously want to tell my dad. We are really close and I feel like I am hiding something big from him.

Whenever I talk to my husband about this, he says, our business is nobody's business and he does not see what the big deal is. We have a very good relationship and I don't want to upset him either.

What should I do?

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My husband's sister got married once and didn't tell anyone.
We only found out about it when she had to borrow money to get divorced the following year.

I'm bringing that up because I suspect the issue is probably the same -- Commitment.
How committed are you to this marriage? Or is it just a temporary thing? How about your husband? If it's just a temporary marriage, then the secrecy part sort of makes sense. I mean, why ruffle your families' feathers if it'll all be over in a few years?
But then, it's the marriage that doesn't make any sense...

If you both are committed to this relationship and this marriage, then stand up and tell your parents. You waited 12 years because you knew they didn't approve, and you made the decision to get married because you felt it was the right one. Give them the chance to make a choice now. Invite them to accept your choice of husband, to support your marriage, and to be a part of the lives of any future grandchildren.
If you aren't truly comitted, then have this farce annulled and move on with your lives in your separate directions.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2006 at 12:39PM
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"What should I do"....

Highly consider an annulment and "Grow Up"

(sorry to sound harsh, but at almost 30 you should know better)

    Bookmark   November 12, 2006 at 3:41PM
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You're adults. Stop acting like children, and tell your parents.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2006 at 6:18PM
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Is he currently married to someone else?

    Bookmark   November 12, 2006 at 8:37PM
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I think you are trying to please too many people.

Work out your priorities and stick to them.

I think your hubbie should take his marriage more seriously and start understanding your need to tell your father. I would worry about his indifferent attitude to the union.

If your Dad is disappointed, well he will get used to it. Always best to know the truth and not live a lie. Its not a bad truth....you are an adult you should live your life the way you want to live it, not the way other people want you to live it. As long as you know you are doing the right thing, then it is the right thing for you.

What will happen when the children come along, regarding religion ?


    Bookmark   November 13, 2006 at 1:03AM
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I must have a totally different idea of what a good relationship is.

When I think of a good relationship, I think of truth, not lies. I think of being proud to be married or or in a committed relationship, not secrecy. I think of being involved with all aspects of each other's lives, not having one person isolate the other from her family. I think of being supportive, not driving a wedge between a daughter and her father. I think of agreeing on life's major choices and decisions, not one person live as if married and the other living as if not.

Abusers usually try to isolate their intended victim from family and friends. Just something to consider.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2006 at 3:59PM
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The longer you wait to tell your family, the harder it will be. I can't imagine saying "Oh, by the way, I've been married 6 months and didn't want to tell you". My family would be devistated. (and they would probably never let me live it down either). You need to talk to your husband and decide how you want to handle it. It would eat up my insides having to "hide" something that big in my life to anyone.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2006 at 5:09PM
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A strong marriage is based on honesty, truth and commitment.

I would never be able to be married to a man who was, and expected me to be so dishonest.

I suppose you have your reasons for letting this man do these things to you (take away your religion, your family, your self-respect while not offering you the support of standing beside you as his husband), but I'm truly flabberghasted that any young woman today would sit by and allow herself to be taken advantage of that way.

Sorry--I'm with the rest. You don't have a marriage. And you don't have a man--not a real one--in your life. Although, I suspect that it's very possible he has another woman or 2 in his life.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2006 at 8:28PM
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We have a rule at our house...If it matters to one, it MUST matter to the other it's called respect. If it matters to you that you tell, it MUST matter to him, if it doesn't he doesn't respect your wishes. You cannot turn this around...his NOT wanting you to tell your family is being respectful to your wishes. If he doesn't want to tell anyone, that is his wish, but that shouldn' stop you from telling ANYONE. If you REALLY have a good relationship, why are you worried about upsetting him. I think you are lieing to yourself.


    Bookmark   November 14, 2006 at 7:07AM
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I forgot to add, this isn't so unusual, isolation is common...among abusuers as stated before. HMMMMMM it doesn't start as abuse usually, starts small, controlling small things, then gets bigger. So see, he isolates you here from your family, then it will grow because he has no respect for your feelings, which in turns says he has no respect for you which in turn says....you get the picture. TELL PEOPLE, take the control back.


    Bookmark   November 14, 2006 at 7:10AM
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Are you receiving money from your parents to cover living expenses, and you both are afraid that if they find out the truth, that they will cut you off finacially? Just wondering, because I cannot imagine keeping such a secret from family, unless they REALLY hated the guy/gal. And I cannot imagine the guy wanting his marriage to be a secret, unless he has something to lose...or he is hiding something. Think about all of the people you know. Do you know ANYONE who does not celebrate their marriage, but keeps it a secret? I agree with the others...if you plan on staying in this marriage, then you need to tell the truth. It is much harder to tell the truth the longer the lie has gone on. And it is harder to forgive the lie if it has gone on for a long period of time. Your dad will remember all of those phone conversations with you, where you had so many opportunities to tell him, and instead, he will realize that you were able to act totally normal on the phone, while hiding something REALLY big. And it will hurt.

I have heard of someone who was unable to tell the parents about the elopement, and they had an actual wedding, never telling the parents that they actually married 3 months earlier. They just pretended that they were just then getting married.

What a mess of things we make,when we are trying to deceive.

I also would really wonder why this guy you married wanted this kept secret so badly. Why does he want to hide your marriage so badly? What does he have to lose if people know that you are his wife?

    Bookmark   November 16, 2006 at 10:05AM
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My parents got married overseas in the 1954. He was a good jewish boy, she a good catholic girl (convent school and all). My dad's father basically refused to meet my mom when they were dating. Once they came back from Japan as Mr and Mrs. the scenario changed and my mother was warmly welcomed to the family. Was it the marriage my gp's wanted? No, but they changed with the situation because they loved their children.
Tell you dad and let him act like a dad.

    Bookmark   November 21, 2006 at 8:28AM
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