The Toxic Man
(NOTE: The following are excerpts and notes from Tigress Luv's new book, Toxic Love)
Do you ever feel like you are losing control; imagining things; having severe mental distortions of reality; or are completely, totally out of your mind? Do you often swing from elated feelings of happiness to severe feelings of deep depression? Are you sometimes struggling to smile? Do you think about your partner and your relationship all the time? Do you rehash moments with him and try to figure out what really happened, and if your perceptions of the situation were real or just in your mind? If you answered yes to these questions then you are with a toxic man.
Toxic Men slowly suck our happiness and our loving, nurturing spirit out of us. We become confused, insecure, depressed zombies...yet our Toxic Men walk around as if nothing has happened, and not seeming to notice our depression and unhappiness at all.
A Toxic Man is a combination of a narcissistic man, a commitmentphobic man, a codependent man, a histrionic man, a man with split personality disorder, a control freak, martyr, and an abuser, yet doesn't really precisely belong to any one of these groups exactly. He is the TOXIC MAN!
The Many Faces of Toxic Men (Abusers)
The "Demand" Man
Feels entitled, ask for more than he gives back. Feels like you "owe" him. Exaggerates and overvalues his own contributions. Keeps a "mental list" of everything he's ever done and wants constant payback for them. Thinks he is owed tremendous gratitude for meeting the ordinary responsibilities of every day life (and takes your contribution for granted). When he is generous and giving to you - it's only to prove to himself , and others, that he is a good person. If you need something he accuses you of being self-centered and he tells everybody how selfish and ungrateful you are, and acts hurt because of all he's done for you. He gets furious if anything is demanded of him and switches it back to being about him.
Mr. Right (Arrogant)
Is an expert at everything. Talks in a condescending voice and acts like you are are an imbecile incapable of taking care of yourself. Emits an air of superiority! Any conflict is a clash between right and wrong - intelligence and stupidity - him being right, of course, and you being wrong. He twists anything you say to make it sound wrong. Everybody is stupid to this person, as he is so certain of his own supreme intelligence. If you argue with him he will take it as a sign of your own ignorance and foolishness. His partner will end up questioning their own intelligence. He not only knows all the answers to everything, he tells you that how you run your own life is wrong. He knows ALL your faults. Mr. Right delights in correcting you in front of others (to point out his own intelligence). He punishes you for having your own mind. He imposes his beliefs and opinions, caring little about considering yours. EWW!
The Water Torturer! (Killing Me Softly With His Words!)
This man knows how to get under your skin. By remaining calm and level-headed to make you look crazy. When arguing he will often have a superior or contemptuous grin on his face. Uses a low, calm, stead voice to impose his psychological superiority over you, and often mimics you, laughs at you, or insults you. Quiet calm, controlling acts against you. Talks to you as if you were a mental patient and he the doctor in control. Talks down to you as if you were nuts. Accuses you of being abusive and out of control once he drives you to the brink. Claims you are irrational and acting crazy while he is in complete control and not starting an argument. This man's tactics are difficult to recognize and identify. When a woman can't make a concrete evaluation and has nothing to label their partner with they can become extremely distraught and deeply scared. If someone hits you, you know it and can relate it to your friends, but when someone tries to drive you nuts, and appears to be rationale and innocent when doing it, you can't describe it to your friends and end up feeling like maybe you are 'nuts'. You most likely aren't even aware of it, it being so subtle and appearing so sane. You can't even describe something that's going on when you don't even know it is. If you confront the Water Torturer he acts like he doesn't know what you are talking about. To friends and even your children, it looks like he is so laid-back and calm (low key) and that you blow up over nothing. He is oppressive and stifling. Cynical and cocky. Makes you feel like you are crazy and out of control. You get 'set off' by anything and everything. Makes you look like you are the one with the problem and everybody else believes this, too.
The Prison Guard
Runs every aspect of your life, from criticising everything you do, to telling you where you can and can't go. Dictating who you friends will be, how to cook and clean, listens to your phone calls, reads your emails, ask people (even enlist the children) to spy on you when he is gone, sets curfews, fathers you, and removes your freedom. Overly jealous, accuses you of cheating, questions even who you casually look at. Dislikes women, irrationally possessive and policing. It's about possession, not fidelity, and thus so more than likely the Prison Guard is the one having an affair himself. CAPTIVITY! Watches you like a hawk. Denies you strength and independence. It is difficult to get away from The Prison Guard as he monitors your activities to the max - even quitting his job, etc. He isolates you from friends and family. Removes your finances. Ruins your car. Holds you virtually as a prisoner.
Is overly in touch with his emotions and feels sorry for himself, blaming you for hurting him. He thinks he is a gift because, unlike most men, he is in touch with his feelings. The Player Comes on strong, good in bed, interest starts waning, he stares - ogles - at other women, you hear rumors. You tend to get angry at the 'other woman' rather than The Player himself. He makes you feel like you are the 'special one', and that other women are jealous of you, or angry at him because he turned down their advances, or because he dropped her. He makes all his past or 'other women' sound abusive, deranged, needy, or etc. You can never really be sure of his faithfulness. He tries to make you jealous, then accuses you of being untrusting and insecure. You start to feel that every woman is a threat to you, your best friend, your sister, even your mother! You tend to keep these other women away from you so as not to expose them to him. You are put on a shelf, ignored, forgotten, and put away until he is ready for you again.