Almost zero Sex life & confuse in marriage

fantasyNovember 1, 2007

Hello everyone,i am 26 year old married for 3 years now and no children yet. we are both doing well in many things except sex he is not interested in sex maybe just because he have depression, i only knew that when we are married. he did not told me before he have depression because he afraid i might leave him and change my mind not to marry him. i feel betray about that but i forgave him and told him i understand and its not a big deal.

after many months of living together, every day come by i realized how bad our sex life are and i realized and feel i can't leave without it and its make me unhappy i feel not love by him.

i already discuss about this matter to him of what i feel and we even see the marriage councelor and i decided to stop seeing the councelor because is not helping in our situation and he agreed.

Other things bother me is i am afraid that we are not going to have a children because of his illness and he is not interested in the bed. he always told me that he love me and he wants me to stay with him. we only have sex once a month but most of the time is zero.

i gave up and stop asking it for him. he's not really into it.

somtimes im thinking of leaving him but afraid i will regret it he is a nice husband in some way.

i know it may sounds shallow to leave him because of the sex but i realized how sex is important to me.for me i rather want a man who have not so high income but perfect in bed and happy.

He is over weight now and i always try to encourage him to go with me in the gym so that i have a companion also, but unfurtunitely he is not interested about exercising.so, what i can do is i cook for him a healthy food everyday.

now im confuse if i still inlove with him. i feel like my love for him is slowly slowly disappearing. our sex life is getting more and more worst, never will be better.

i don't know what i suppose to do. please enlighten me. thanks

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asolo

You were deceived by him. Now you're deceiving yourself. This won't change. What you're "supposed" to do doesn't matter. If this is how you want to live your life, OK. If it isn't, get out now. And for heaven's sake don't get pregnant while you're deciding.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 11:03AM
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knittingfool1

It's a waste of time to try to help people who won't help themselves. It sounds like you need to have a serious talk with him. He needs to understand that he lied to you, and that is not ok. If you chose to forgive him, that is fine, but now the ball is in his court. If he wants to keep you, he needs to get help. You cannot go to one counselor, then quit because it didn't work as quickly as you wanted it to. If you don't like the counselor, then find a new one. But if you just quit trying, then your marriage is over. It will not fix itself. If he is not willing to try and make the changes that he needs to, then get out.

Also, don't think that it's petty just because it's sex. I know a lot of men who would leave their wives if they were not having sex. Women have needs also, and that's ok.

Is he getting help for his depression? If not, that should be step one.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 12:03PM
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plasticgarden

Well,WHY is he depressed? Is he trying to get help for it,or just wallowing in it? Certain depression medications REALLY can lower your sex drive.
I was on Prozac a few years ago,and I admit sex was the last thing on my mind. I would do it just to please my husband,but I never really wanted it myself.I finally came off of it because I couldnt take it anymore.

If this is the case with your husband,maybe he should talk to his doctor about it.Maybe there is something that can boost his sex drive.Sometimes even lack of certain vitamins can make people depressed.
I understand your frustration,but you need to tell your husband if he loves you,he will try to fix the problem.Not just accept it and hope you do to.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 1:57PM
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fantasy

to knittingfooll,

thanks for the reply. yes he is in getting help in his depression for a long time now.

another question in my mind is; if i am pregnant and have children, does the children will inheret his illness ??(depression) even though i don't have depression.
i have this quetion in my mind for a long time now but i don't know or where i should ask this question since i do not know his doctor.

thanks for listening.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 2:08PM
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popi_gw

One problem at a time.

Solve the depression problem, first, then this may improve the rest of your lives, together.

I would talk to his doctor, about how this depression affects you. Ask the doctor if the depression is hereditary.

Exercise, improved diet, are steps in the right direction.

Get him motivated, get him out walking, together.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 5:19PM
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asolo

"....he is in getting help in his depression for a long time now."

Apprently not very good help.

"...i do not know his doctor."

Find another doctor. And attend his appointments. If you want to. I think he's still being deceptive and I think you're dealing with make-or-break issues unless you, yourself, are exceptionally compassionate. Seems to me like you've been taken for a ride. You've forgiven, but he's not doing his part.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 6:09PM
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fantasy

Hello, im sure he is seeing his doctor for depression, i can see his depression medicine in the cabinet.
he have been seeing different doctor for many times and he stayed this one recently.
i know because the doctor called us in the home phone to remind him of his appointment that he made.

yeah, you maybe right im being taken for a ride by him.
i might be so naive and just completely realized it lately. i don't even know how depression can effect for the people sexual life.i have no really idea.

i strongly feel that the depression he have is inhereted because his brother and sister also have it.

    Bookmark   November 1, 2007 at 10:42PM
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carla35

Like plastic garden mentioned, depression medicine very often can lower the sex drive or cause major sexual problems causing spouses to pull away from having sex. I have even heard some of depression medicines being referred to as 'male birth control'. They really can be that bad. So, if you take his depression and combine it with the medicine... there's a significant chance that he would have little or no sex drive. Hopefully, the medicine will kick in and help his depression and he will feel better and not have to be on the medicine for that long. But, many if not most times, people will have to try different medicines until they find the one that is right for them. It may take a while.

I actually think it is a good sign that he is taking medicine for it and isn't denying a problem. That's usually the hardest part for many men.

From what I understand, and I am by no means an expert, depression can be both genetic and situational... sometimes a little combination of both. Remember to, that MANY people go through bouts of depression; some studies suggest as many as 50% of people may experience it sometime throughout their life. You may even experience it later on in life. I personally wouldn't be afraid of passing on the trait. There are so many things nowadays that can be passed on, that it's just not worth worrying about, IMHO. Although, if you suspect a major personality disorder is also associated with his depression, you may have some more thinking to do.

Good luck. Personally I'd try to stick it out a while longer to see if he can get on the right medicine to help him.

    Bookmark   November 2, 2007 at 12:07AM
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tenderchichi

fantasy -

I tend to agree with plasticgarden and carla 35.

On the light side, I'll mention a fellow who posted on the subject. He became "depressed" over his DW's lack of romantic interest in him.

He took antidepressants to help lift his mood, which it did. He then reported that his own intimacy issues had vastly diminished.

Maybe us, (rejected) others should all start taking this medicine. We'd all, then, be in sync with our partners!

Sad but true.....

Just Joking!

    Bookmark   November 2, 2007 at 12:55AM
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fantasy

The kind of depression he have is not temporary. without anti depressant medicine he cannot fuction very well in every day lives. he have it when he was in his 30's.

btw thanks everyone for the input.

    Bookmark   November 2, 2007 at 2:43PM
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asolo

How old is he now?

    Bookmark   November 2, 2007 at 2:45PM
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carla35

What type of depression does he have? If he has Dysthymic (the long term but milder chronic type) then he generally should be able to function on a daily basis. And, major depression should usually be at least somewhat 'curable' within 4-6 months on a correct medicine. Is he is by chance BiPolar?

    Bookmark   November 2, 2007 at 5:39PM
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searching4peace

Fantasy,
Isn't it almost ironic that what he tries to stay away from (intimacy & romance) is the very thing that could boost his spirits and with a healthy sex life with his partner his life could be sooooo much better that he would not have the need for any medicines. If only these self-centered idiot men would consider their partners instead of themselves for one minute they might see the benefits that both of you could have from a thriving sex life and generally just getting along. What is so difficult!!!!!

    Bookmark   November 7, 2007 at 1:31PM
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plasticgarden

He needs to express to his doctor,that the medication he is on now is having side effects that are effecting his sex drive.
The doctor may then put him on something else.There are several anti-depressants that claim not to lower your sex drive. Sometimes it takes several tries with different medications before finding the right one.
If that is not an option though,can he take Viagra?

    Bookmark   November 8, 2007 at 1:43AM
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tmpcc

My apologies for adding to this thread long after the discussion has finished, but I just came across this website as I was perusing the Internet.

I felt motivated to add to this thread because I am experiencing very much the same situation as fantasy.however I am the one with the low sexual desire and I thought that it might be constructive for fantasy to hear the opposing point of view.

IÂll start by saying that depression is unlike any feeling most people have experienced. In fact, the word "depression" has become synonymous with "sad" in this country, when in fact there is a huge distinction between the two. Most people have been "sad" at one time or another, while far fewer have experienced what can be termed as a clinical depression. Depression steals oneÂs willingness for not only sex, but also for life itself. It is true that things like human interaction, in whatever form, and exercise are an important component to recovery, but to a depressed person NOTHING seems worthwhile. This is what is so insidious about depression  you feel that you want to avoid the very things that may help you.

IÂm sorry if it sounds like I am lecturing, but IÂve come to realize just how misunderstood depression still is by many. Many still believe that depression is a character weakness or that it is something you can just "will away". Both could not be farther from the truth. It takes great strength to keep going each day in the face of such darkness and hopelessness, and recovering from depression is probably one of the hardest things anyone could do in their life. While I donÂt advocate keeping oneÂs depression from a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, I can certainly understand the motivation of someone who does. IÂve lost more than a few intimate relationships and friends after divulging my past problems with depression, namely because they had their own misconceptions of what depression is or how it affects people. After these sorts of experiences, you become very cautious about revealing any problems you might have had with depression.

I was astounded by the anger and hostility voiced by some of the responses to fantasyÂs posting. True, I see things from a somewhat biased point of view, but I also believe that compassion and understanding are key elements to a strong and loving marriage. I give fantasy a lot of credit for standing by her husband during this difficult time. I DO believe that her husband MUST take the initiative to get himself some help, however even after seeking help it may take some time for a complete recovery.

I have sympathy for you, fantasy, as my wife is experiencing many of the same feelings. Thank God I was blessed to have met such a wonderful woman. While I am not expecting infinite patience from my wife (each person has their limits), I am glad that my wife has stuck by me while IÂve sought a solution to the problems my medication has caused. IÂd like to leave fantasy with this final thoughtÂ..only you can decide what is best for you. However, I hope that you will take the time to understand both sides to your dilemma for making any decisions. It sounds like you are striving to understand more about your husbandÂs difficulties and, in the end, this will help you to make the most informed decision. I wish you all the best!

P.S. Fantasy, as I am sure you know, there is a cultural component to depression as well. In the Asian cultures, depression is still largely taboo and so treatment is often seen as a last option. I am glad that your husband has sought treatment. :)

    Bookmark   November 24, 2007 at 7:19PM
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