How do you 'create' intimacy?

rob333November 29, 2007

What works for you? Let's hear your best ones. My favorite is just a long hug... as long as he wants, let him be the one to choose the separation. Works like a charm for both of us ;)

So many of our posts are about lack of intimacy and our frustration with it, but let's hear some positives. Blizzard, this one's for you (me too!) from your post where you are right about touching more often in simple ways that get people who are "stuck" gets them "unstuck"!

-Robin (female incidentally)

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blizzard19

rob,

you know what, all this time i thought you were male! lol, no problem, hee hee.

ironically, our (new) therapist had us each define intimacy as homework on one of our first visits. we were to write it out and not let each other see it and bring it back. it does really mean different things to different people, because if you say you were 'intimate' with someone, they automatically assume that you had sex.

my 'definition', taken directly from my laptop (sorry that wasn't your question) was:

To me it means a level of closeness. That could mean simply touching with a brush of the hand, or by standing close with the intent to just let you know that I am there. It could mean the warmth of my breath on your neck or in your ear as I whisper; or just the look I give you when I am happy to see you. It could even be the thought of you that keeps me going when I am hundreds of miles away. It is when I hug you on cold winters night, or a passionate kiss. It is feeling of contentment that i get inside when I hear you laugh with the kids. Intimacy is when we hold hands when things are not at its' best. I love you.

also, i started to define this for the therapist but ended up writing it TO my wife, so sorry for the grammar.

i guess to answer your question, and you know where i am at this point so far, is we well give each other a little nudge (literally, like i'll bump gently into her as i walk by) somehow, someway. it usually clues the other that one of us needs at least a little something (NOT SEX).

blizzard.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 10:09AM
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amyfiddler

Well, we all know you can have all sorts of sex and never be intimate.

I say intimacy is the ability in a relationship to completely be yourself. When both parties are able to do this, there is the best kind of intimacy. This requires openness, whether my thoughts are good or bad, attractive or unattractive, nice or naughty.

Total transparency leads to intimacy which in turn leads to more sex, at least in my experience.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 11:33AM
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finedreams

laughing together:
me and SO have these inside jokes and phrases that only we know and understand and share, so when we exchange them we laugh and feel close and intimate, works every time.

there are other things too, like warm hugs

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 11:43AM
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rob333

Blizzard, good idea! It worked great! I did it earlier and it made hubby smile quite happily ;)

All these thoughts are right on! Sex is not intimacy, although it can lead to intimacy and being yourself, loved for being yourself is key to feeling good about the relationship. I so love our inside jokes and phrases we only know.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 11:50AM
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shiver

I tend to get a caught up in all the details and chores that need to get done around the house after work, and I sometimes foget to make time for intimacy (bad girl, I know). Two things my hubby does that helps get me back on track:

1. He says something like, "Do you want to cuddle/listen to music/take a break?" Usually I'm frazzled and start listing off the many things I need to get finished before the day is over. He then helps me finish the chores and says, "There! Let's relax!"

2. Sometimes he'll just grab me by the hands and lead me to the bedroom---but in a nice way (not in a demanding/demeaning way). Once again this is usually for a cuddle and some quality conversation, but sex can follow. He reminds me that being a workhorse is not my only value in life.

Honestly I think what helps the most is the fact that we both agree sex is not a god given right, but something that we are priviledged to share. I would feel "put off" if I had to stop in the middle of my chores and give him sex right then and there. Because I know this is not his expectation, it makes it easier to get in the mood.

I also can't stress to men the importance of ...ahem....foreplay (both mental AND physical). Don't expect your women to be turned on by saying, "do you want to do it?"----you need to *help* your lady get in the mood! Sometimes that takes more work than men would really like to put in, but it will make her look FORWARD to intimacy with you (instead of it just being another chore on her list).

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 7:16PM
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carla35

I think intimacy is the ability to share yourself (especially private and personal things). I think some people lack the ability to be able to do this, either they don't know how or they are too ashamed to. Making people feel more secure about themselves can often help many insecure people open up, but I do feel there is a group of people that just really don't know how to be initimate regardless of how easy the other person can make it.

I would say offering "Unconditional Love" in all aspects of your life would be the best way to create intimacy in your relationship. Well, that, and a good backrub never hurt!

    Bookmark   November 29, 2007 at 7:35PM
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plasticgarden

For me it is something very simple like looking DH in the eyes.It's connecting in a very simple way,but it's so much deeper then that.I often find that eye contact can say alot more then words sometimes.
I also think laughter is a wonderful way to connect.DH and I sometimes lay in bed doing nothing else but talking and laughing.It really brings us closer in a non-sexual,but still very intimate way.

Honestly though,the most intense intimacy has come from hard times.Whether it's him or me who is upset,when we comfort each other and hold each other it brings us that much closer...

    Bookmark   November 30, 2007 at 5:57PM
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