need sound, mature advice
I am married to a sleazy lazy nasty manipulative jerk, I am aware of what I have at hand here and the damage it has caused to my self esteem and my daughters way of looking at him. Okay so after dealing with a man with the mind set of my husband for 8 years... I have gone through the deep pain and suffering for the first 6 years and now I am in survival mode until I can get out.
He smokes pot and gets drunk every night, he looks at porn, he masturbates everyday, he flirts with other woman and a gay friend he has, he watches violent things on tv like murder investigations, cops, he watches sports and hunting which I don't have any uncomfortable feelings about but he is constantly laying on the couch with the tv on and day after day after day after day it just gets to me,,,, he sleeps and watches when he is not working. He is intrigued by violence. He constantly wants me to send him dirty pics via text message all the time, I told him that is not my style and to please stop asking me to do it. He says I should be happy he is home and not out doing other things Like titty bars or with other women... he is cocky and judgmental of others imperfections, he is perverted and has no problem with that, he cannot have an intelligent conversation with me, if I bring something important up he degrades it and or just does not say anything at all. He tells me that I am the one who sees things wrong and that all guys are the same, just like him. This is what he thinks and he insists that I am in denial of the ways of the world.
The thing I am afraid of is that I am in survival mode which means 99.9 % of the time I say nothing about his choices of the way he lives anymore and I try to just do my own thing but it is getting to me where I am at the point of almost accepting that he is fine the way he is and that I have no right to make or voice my opinions, I am not familiar with these feelings I have. I am not sure if I am becoming cold and bitter or numb or what. I do not support his ways.. not at all but I am feeling defeated I suppose on the inside and it is really scaring me.
I am unemployed - was laid off in February. I am getting my CNA next year starting classes in February, this is a choice I thought about for a long time before finally making the decision to do it. I will take a very very large pay cut by doing this but it is the only realistic thing I can do and I want to get started in the health care field anyway. The pay is just above minimum wage for the first couple of years... this is a problem for me in supporting myself and my daughter but I cannot do a 2 or 4 year degree because of the finances.
Please know that my daughter is a healthy 11 year old girl, she is protected by me in very loving ways - she is only her every other week - she is with her dad the other weeks. She is subject to my husbands ways, that is not healthly I know that.. but she is aware and very much allowed to speak her mind about it to me. IT is a messed up situation I KNOW THIS>>>>>>>>>> but I love her with everything I am and she knows and feels it. She does not like him, she is allowed to tell me this and I say to her... we will not be here forever. That is all I can do.
I have already beat myself to a pulp for allowing this crap in my life, I am not a low class woman, I have high morals and high standards... I got sucked into this relationship many years ago by trying to help him,,, then thinking that I could change him. I know ----MY BAD, I know that now. I just need a support system to help me through this because I feel like I am sinking into some unknown place by sweeping these issues under the rug day in and day out with him just to avoid the anger bursts from him and to try to keep the tension to a low level until I can get out. I am not sure if I am becoming numb to it... but I dont want to become numb.. I do not want to lose myself completely. I am a very outgoing, happy person with a loving compassionate heart... I dont want to become hard and unfeeling.
I would greatly appreciate some mature support please. I don't turn to people too often because I am humiliated about this situation and the few times that I have turned to friends they were so blown away that they had to step out of it for their own good.