need sound, mature advice

river_water68November 15, 2009

I am married to a sleazy lazy nasty manipulative jerk, I am aware of what I have at hand here and the damage it has caused to my self esteem and my daughters way of looking at him. Okay so after dealing with a man with the mind set of my husband for 8 years... I have gone through the deep pain and suffering for the first 6 years and now I am in survival mode until I can get out.

He smokes pot and gets drunk every night, he looks at porn, he masturbates everyday, he flirts with other woman and a gay friend he has, he watches violent things on tv like murder investigations, cops, he watches sports and hunting which I don't have any uncomfortable feelings about but he is constantly laying on the couch with the tv on and day after day after day after day it just gets to me,,,, he sleeps and watches when he is not working. He is intrigued by violence. He constantly wants me to send him dirty pics via text message all the time, I told him that is not my style and to please stop asking me to do it. He says I should be happy he is home and not out doing other things Like titty bars or with other women... he is cocky and judgmental of others imperfections, he is perverted and has no problem with that, he cannot have an intelligent conversation with me, if I bring something important up he degrades it and or just does not say anything at all. He tells me that I am the one who sees things wrong and that all guys are the same, just like him. This is what he thinks and he insists that I am in denial of the ways of the world.

The thing I am afraid of is that I am in survival mode which means 99.9 % of the time I say nothing about his choices of the way he lives anymore and I try to just do my own thing but it is getting to me where I am at the point of almost accepting that he is fine the way he is and that I have no right to make or voice my opinions, I am not familiar with these feelings I have. I am not sure if I am becoming cold and bitter or numb or what. I do not support his ways.. not at all but I am feeling defeated I suppose on the inside and it is really scaring me.

I am unemployed - was laid off in February. I am getting my CNA next year starting classes in February, this is a choice I thought about for a long time before finally making the decision to do it. I will take a very very large pay cut by doing this but it is the only realistic thing I can do and I want to get started in the health care field anyway. The pay is just above minimum wage for the first couple of years... this is a problem for me in supporting myself and my daughter but I cannot do a 2 or 4 year degree because of the finances.

Please know that my daughter is a healthy 11 year old girl, she is protected by me in very loving ways - she is only her every other week - she is with her dad the other weeks. She is subject to my husbands ways, that is not healthly I know that.. but she is aware and very much allowed to speak her mind about it to me. IT is a messed up situation I KNOW THIS>>>>>>>>>> but I love her with everything I am and she knows and feels it. She does not like him, she is allowed to tell me this and I say to her... we will not be here forever. That is all I can do.

I have already beat myself to a pulp for allowing this crap in my life, I am not a low class woman, I have high morals and high standards... I got sucked into this relationship many years ago by trying to help him,,, then thinking that I could change him. I know ----MY BAD, I know that now. I just need a support system to help me through this because I feel like I am sinking into some unknown place by sweeping these issues under the rug day in and day out with him just to avoid the anger bursts from him and to try to keep the tension to a low level until I can get out. I am not sure if I am becoming numb to it... but I dont want to become numb.. I do not want to lose myself completely. I am a very outgoing, happy person with a loving compassionate heart... I dont want to become hard and unfeeling.

I would greatly appreciate some mature support please. I don't turn to people too often because I am humiliated about this situation and the few times that I have turned to friends they were so blown away that they had to step out of it for their own good.

Thank you

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I would call a women's shelter they will help you make the kind of decisions you need to make for the safety of your self and your children. I would like to see someone like that on the receiving end of violence he loves so much.

I read a novel about a war veteran who was homeless and very angry. He was walking past a home where someone was screaming. He looked in the window and saw a man beating up his wife, he went in and gave the man some of his own medicine. That is what he ended up doing, saving women and children from men like that.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2009 at 9:38AM
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Maime... thank you for your message. Yes, these anger filled people are, well...... it is hard to describe in words you have to had lived with one to understand. Just toxic all the way around.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2009 at 12:19PM
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Do you feel yourself becoming stronger and more ready to leave? And do you feel you can adequately protect your daughter from her stepfather's undesirable influences? If so, then continuing in 'survival mode' until you can leave is probably the best decision.

Or do you feel yourself becomming weaker and more beat down the longer you stay? And is your daughter learning that 'you can't leave until...' and that it's necessary to 'put up with...' things she should never have to accept? If that's the case, then it would be better to leave NOW rather than later, even though financially it would be a disaster. (There are worse disasters than being dead broke.) You may feel powerless now, but it sounds to me like your marriage is making you MORE powerless, not less.

You said your daughter spends every other week with her father. Is her father a good parent? Would your daughter be better off staying with him a bit more until you can get on your own two feet?

    Bookmark   November 15, 2009 at 12:19PM
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I see two things....

1) You can either endure it or you can't. After all these years, I think that question answers itself.

2) You and your daughter may be at risk of serious physical abuse. The great unknown in your situation.

IMHO, #2 trumps. Don't wait. Get out now. Do what you have to. Women's shelter or whatever. You can do what you want but don't subject your daughter to this. If not for yourself, at least show your daughter how a strong intelligent woman handles such situations. Assuming husband #1 is a normal human being, perhaps your daughter could be with him full-time until the rest is straightened out.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2009 at 12:20PM
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"I have high morals and high standards... "

Perhaps your pride is stopping you from doing what you know should be done.

Sure it will be very hard to leave, but it is the right decision.

In survival mode, you just "Do", you just know it is right, and you do it. Would you agree with that ?

You are fortunate that you still have the father of your daughter in her life, at least that is a safe refuge for her to go to, until you can sort yourself out. I hope this is the case, anyway.

Don't be afraid to ask for help and advice, there are people out there who will help you.

Do you have family to confide in ? A good friend, to help you ?

Take care.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2009 at 4:48PM
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I hope he doesn't have a gun in the house.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2009 at 8:07PM
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THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart...FOR ALL THE MESSAGES... IT is nice to have some support and words of people who have their heads in the right place.

I will keep you posted.

BTW ___My daughters father is a loving dad but not home very much due to his job, he is not home much at all.... she stays with her step mom ( who is very similar to my husband in nature) and her new baby brother who she loves dearly.
My daughter is a healthy girl, good grades, plays soccer, in choir, has lots of sleep overs and is into all the things a normal 11 year old is into. She knows the difference between right and wrong and she has adjusted to the week to week and the " cold step parents better than I have. I have ring of motherly protection around her and although my choice was very bad in marrying my husband... I give her sound advice and strong back up and love overflowing.

I know I made a mistake, I own it and want to be free from it and I will be.

I will take these bits of advice and stay focused on the near future.

Thank you all.. please contine to write.

    Bookmark   November 15, 2009 at 8:11PM
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So are you saying your daughter's step mum is like your present husband in nature or your former husband ?

Your actions will have more of an impact on your daughter than your words.

What would you advise your daughter if she was in the situation you are presently in ?

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 12:27AM
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Yes... that is very true. Actions do speak louder than words. I always feel like I protect her so well but the fact that she is subjected to a negative step father is going to impact her emotions anyway.

I am not working right now and I don't have any place where I can stay so I will call around to see if there are any other options through the state or church.

Yes her step mother is another anger filled extremely controlling person. Apparatnly she was not like this when he married her but once they moved in together she grew into a monster... taking anything that had to do with me (my daughters mother) out of their house... laid the rules down for everybody even the adults - I did not bow to her but he did and his mother did..... yelling at my daughter, scaring my daughter and the list goes on. I begged and pleaded with her father to get that woman away from my child, I went to attorney after attorney who wanted at leat 5,000.00 to start a custody battle I do not have that kind of money. I called CSP, the poilce, I called my family begging for help or support.. no body wanted to get involved. It has been total hell for the last 4 years.

I just want my daughter to be okay..... she says she is, she seems to be, she acts like a normal 11 year old. I tell her what she has experiences is not not not normal and she says she knows this.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 8:34AM
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I pity this child.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 10:28AM
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I understand where you are coming from, if I was on the other end reading somebody's life story like mine I would feel the same way. It is hard to explain all of the day to day details other than my original post. I have to take care of my personal situation which starts with me. I disparately need non judgmental people who can help me and encourage me not make me feel like a bad parent. I have many things going on here.

There is a lot to my story but I continue to say that I protect her very much. Sometimes in some life situations I believe that a parents love will see children through other crap they are subjected to. She is a strong girl with a bright future... we talk about it and I support her and I advise her.

I am going to cancel this posting. I appreciate that you all have given your heartfelt advice to me.
Thank you.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 12:16PM
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Wow, it sounds like my ex-stepfather got re-married.

You could be my mother. She was tied to a man that was violent, lazy, and not very intelligent. I have no idea why she stayed with him, except that she always felt she needed a man. He was also extremely over-sexed; as I was growing up, I could see this about him as he was constantly talking about women, sex, porn, whatever. Unfortunately, as soon as I hit puberty, that attention turned towards me -- I don't think I need to go into detail about what happened.

You have an unsure feeling in your gut about this man -- trust that instinct. You may believe that you're protecting her and that she hasn't truly seen what he is, but trust me, kids see a lot more than parents sometimes give them credit for. You don't want her growing up with a skewed idea of what men are like and what a relationship should be. Get out while you can, and before your daughter becomes a victim of this situation, whether it's sexually, or emotionally.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 12:26PM
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Sounds like your daughter is getting used to the way he lives and thinks it's "normal". That should tell you something.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 5:35PM
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Please go to your nearest community college and talk to the financial aid dept about money for school. You may abe able to also get some stipend to live on while you get your CNA.
Also please go to their counseling office and find some free or low cost counseling services because you may be a codependent (You felt sorry for him, wanted to help him and change him. Those are major red flags.)

Good luck. Keep us posted?

    Bookmark   January 19, 2010 at 12:12AM
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I have to echo the words of popi and others. Fast forward 15 or 20 years into the future: would you want your daughter to stay in a situation like the one you describe? You need to think about the fact that she will tolerate the same things you are doing (or worse) because you have shown her that this is a reasonable thing to do.

I'd even go further and say that you are also teaching her that it is okay to use someone that you have no love for and no intention of staying with. You are showing your daughter that if the other person is flawed, mean or "bad", you are not required by your moral code to treat him/her fairly and honestly (by being upfront with him about the fact that you do not intend to stay with him and will leave at your first opportunity). Your behaviour says that your values about how to treat people vary according to how nice they are to you. Since your husband and your daughter's step-mother both seem to be modeling unethical behaviour towards a spouse, shouldn't someone here model how to be a person whose values are solid and don't depend on other people's actions?

I say this because it is always possible to describe something about someone else's actions that will justify our unethical choices. Don't make it easy for your daughter to do that. Help her become an adult whose standards do not vary depending on what other people do. If she should treat people the way she wants to be treated, then she should do it even if they don't deserve it because it is the right thing to do.

I know leaving is easier said than done. I recognize you are in a tough situation but often the right thing is the hard thing, especially when it come to parenting. And I'm not sure I'd have the strength to do it myself, but I hope I would for my kids' sake. If you continue doing what you are doing, at least do it with your eyes open and be fully aware that she will likely become an adult who believes that giving people what they deserve is more important than doing what is right.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   January 19, 2010 at 11:41PM
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wow, this is awful, why do people keep marrying one man after another yet never bother getting education or some kind of profession. now you have nothing to rely on since you never obtained any of that. now time to correct mistakes go to women's shelter and ask for help and advice, and you can get aid and loan for 2-year-degree easily. every community college would do that.

so this poor girl has terrible step-father and terrible step-mother yet neither mom nor dad do anything about it. I have no breaks my heart to see how parents allow their children to grown up in a nightmare.

get yourself and your daughter HELP.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2010 at 7:15PM
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If you don't help yourself, then help your daughter. What better reason is there, than that, to take action ?

    Bookmark   January 24, 2010 at 7:34PM
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Federal and state Financial Aid are the fairy godmothers of women who need to get on their feet. It comes in three types: a GRANT (free money, you do not pay it back), a WORK/STUDY job (the college gives you a job, you get a paycheck. They work around your class hours) and/or a LOW-INTEREST LOAN, which you do not even start re-paying until you leave school. You may get some combo of any of these types of financial aid.

How to qualify: they will look at your income from last year, the number of people in your immediate family and the cost of the college or vocational training you want to attend.

How to start: You can go to a community college financial aid dept. or use this website: Note that this is a FREE application. There are copy cat websites that charge you, don't use them.

Not bragging, but I have personally helped many, many unhappy women get this kind of school money so they can take charge of their lives. If they did it, YOU can do it. "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step."

    Bookmark   January 25, 2010 at 6:26PM
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This is going to be a long, difficult process and you're gong to need support to get through it. The best advice I can offer is for you to attend some al-anon meetings. You'll meet others who've been where you are and have found tools to improve their lives and their children's lives. You're not alone.

    Bookmark   February 9, 2010 at 6:09PM
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Was reading your posting, was intrigued. Wondering how it is going? Please give us an update if you can. I can well understand where you're at. Let us know how you're surviving these days.
Emma in PA

    Bookmark   April 28, 2010 at 8:48AM
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