after 25 years, it still gets to me.....
how do people deal with this and keep a fresh outlook on life?
I am a constant complainer and my husband just ignores me. I guess that's the answer. I don't think women are as good at ignoring complaints though. I am in quite a lot of pain and short on sleep much of the time from fibromyalgia and other problems. I feel so guilty about not having the strength and energy of others that I complain to remind other people and myself in particular that I am not just "lazy". Also, my husband is always saying how incredibly lucky we are and I think that ignores the chronic pain I am in. See, that's how I whine!!
Two options: You could try being grateful he's still around complaining and think of how much you're going to miss him when he's gone, and be thankful he puts up with YOUR faults. OR Think about how good it'll feel once he's gone and you don't have to listen to it anymore!
One or the other ought to make it easier to cope!
LOL Rosieo....that would put it in perspective! Still, i am such an upbeat positive thinking person and its hard to not let someone bring you down when you are constantly subjected to negative comments and negative ways of thinking.
Deb, I think some things you just have to let it go. My husband is very negative also whereas I am a regular Mary Sunshine. I just ignore it. Sometimes I think hey, at least he's TALKING to me! A lot of women complain their husbands don't! (Now, THEY should be grateful!)
On the other hand, I have ADD and am very disorganized. When I'm cooking and he comes home, he automatically starts shutting all the cupboard doors. It bugs him because he's methodical and organized but he really loves me so he puts up with it. When he's really happy he says it's "cute."
When I start getting worked up over his flaws I just think about all of mine that HE puts up with! I don't know why, but it sure seems to be true that opposites attract!
my dad is...
my mother'd earned the nickname 'babi yaga' by the time I was old enough to have friends. and she gave everyone the creeps...and I mean everyone.
I've had guys not date me because of a girl's tendency to grow up to be her mother.
I've lost a job or two because my mom would not only call me at work to kvetch- she'd kvetch to the boss if they picked up the phone.
other than occasionally throwing a dessert plate at her, dad seems fairly immune- if you ignore his low self-esteem, his heart problems, his obesity, and his obvious lonliness.
my husband and I both have histories of depression (I'm the only girl in 4 generations to escape The Bin entirely) so there's pretty strict rules about whining, nagging, stupid paranoid thoughts, and other nonsense in the house, and between us, we've created a world that's supportive to both of us, and leaves us little TO complain about.
then again, both of us are interested in improving things, so we're willing to FIX the things that we used to complain about- and understand WHY the things that drive us nuts drive us nuts.
Cat woulnd't help me fix the basement- it gave him the willies, and the more I nagged, the more frightened of it he became...I finally understood that I was dealing with a primal fear of his- so I cleared out the worst of it myself, and painted the walls (some of which hadn't been touched since the house was coal-burning!)
end of problem- is no longer an icky basement, and he's more than happy to help, now.
there's a solution to everything. it's just a matter of being dedicated to looking for it.
How do you stay upbeat when your partner is negative and has depression? Everytime I want to do something postive for me, I just let dh moods take over and dwell on them instead. This has been going on for many years and I want to be able to just ignore his moods but I have never figured out how to. Any advice?
Marie, I guess I learned after 26 years of marriage that I dont let him get me down anymore. he was always pessimistic, negative and cynical and it would get to me so bad because i was so upbeat all the time. he would go in and out of depressions and seemed to complain all the time. some times were worse than others but the good mood times never lasted very long. i learned to not get caught in his moods. when i sense he is slipping into this mode, i started withdrawing and focusing on things i wanted to do or that made me feel good, anything but stay in the same room with mr doom and gloom. after many years of marriage, he has learned that when he is like that, i retreat and do my own thing without him. i had to take control of my own moods and not let him get to me. i cant say that he still doesnt sometimes, you cant live with someone without their moods affecting you at times, but i have learned to deal with him much better.
Deb, that is excellent advice. There are projects I haven't started because I let his moods wear me down. From now on, when he is moody and depressed, that will be my cue to do my projects. A win/win situation for me. Sometimes we just need someone outside of the situation to put something in perspective. Thanks.
marie, you will find that if you focus your energies elsewhere, not only does your own good mood stay with you longer, their bad mood seems to get better. sometimes i think they need a sounding board to complain to. i dont mind most of the time, but when i feel it gettig to me, i go into retreat mode and start doing things around the house i wanted to do, or go where i wanted to do. i am still pleasant if he asks me something, but i have let him know that his unpleasant moods bring me down and make me feel helpless to help him get past things. i am there if he needs me, i just dont tend to let him pull me into his circle anymore. i am a very positive upbeat person and always see the glass as half full. i had to get back to that and not let him pull me down. i notice that when i start ignoring him, or going about my business as usual, he seems to cross the line to be nicer to me or be a nicer person to be around now that he doesnt have me sitting there being depressed with him. it is a win/win, you are right. and when you pull away, you are able to view things as the big picture and see it is them, not you.
My brother is.
When he complains or Whenever he has one of his spur of the moment b------- fits,(he tries to make you feel bad or guilty for no good reason or some dumb reason that doesn't even need to be as dramatic or bad as it sounds. I find myself getting angry inside and b---- right back at him in my mind. Then I breathe and ignore him for a little bit. so as not to keep the mood, continue as if nothing happened. I too, usually am an easy going person and try my best to keep a good outlook on life. He is better than he use to be. Been married nearly 27 yrs. Quite a few rough spots, but had children. I think the most traumatic for me was when I finally allowed myself to be a person in my own right. I fought for that, He didn't like it, but these days he has accepted that we are two separate enitities. He does'nt make it easy though when he acts like this. Almost makes me have fleeting ideas of contempt. Then I feel bad for that and make them go away cuz I don't want to continue that mode.
I do find something to do that does give me a renewed, rewarding and rejuvenated, uplifted peace of mind and helps to face him (or life in general). Every once in while I try to do something for him only that I think he would apreciate. (But sometimes his negativity is still there). But I know I've tried.
When he complains give in to those thoughts of feeling angry,...then let go...I think it helps, at least for me it does...
Find something you enjoy, a hobby or project that gives you a time to reflect, refresh, rejuvenate and gives you that peace & serenity that helps to face him and life in general.
i am with a chronic complainer. He starts his complaining in the morning from the time he wakes till the day end.im learning to ignore him but he is abusive verbally n physical
..."but he is abusive verbally n physical"
And you are staying with him because............???
Sorry I've never understood the concept of staying with someone that physically and verbally abused you. Maybe not having grown up with it (mom and dad never did it to each other, or the kids) I can't understand it or something...please help me understand this......I don't get it.