Possible New Beginnings

used2bsexyNovember 9, 2007

Well I have posted messages on this site before about the issues in my marriage so I'll keep this brief (try to anyway). Over the last 3 years my marriage has sucked in many ways.......good then bad then good (rollercoaster) ...a lot of bad. Issues from the start of marriage (probs with in laws and husband not wanting to see the negatives in mother or at least not wanting to face them), intimacy issues surfaced after marriage also. The major thing was when he lost his job about 3 years ago because of stupidity. He would have been without a job eventually as the place where he worked did away with all their exisiting management. He was the first to go because of bad choices on his part. He has been such an a**hole. Anyway, all this led to a huge loss of respect for him (by me) and lack of trust,etc. etc. etc. Things just spiraled out of control between us since then. Good jobs weren't happening only crappy ones. The way he went about the job search was maddening at times. I really started to despise him. Our marriage is forever changed...and I mean that. I had always hoped that maybe when he gets that good job-- good would precipitate more good and it would be a visciously good cycle. I wouldn't be so bitter and he would feel better about himself. The marriage will never be what it was, but could we move forward in a new positive direction? Well that time has arrived and now we will see. The good job is finally here. I think I will always have some bitterness at the last 3 years .......I felt, at times, that he ripped out my soul. I am a different person today, stronger, wiser, etc. Any suggestions on how to have a new beginning and let go of past hurts and just move forward in spite of a rocky past? I just want to move forward and not look back anymore. I would appreciate others suggestions or others stories.

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Well DH and I have had our share of *crappy* jobs and times we have been out of work and times where we have said hateful things to each other because of stress, dealing with financial woes and all that, but I don't think we have ever gone to bed angry and bitter at each other, so I am not quite sure if I have anything that will help you, but I do know that it puts sooo much stress on your life depending on your job (or lack of one) Most men (I won't say all, but most) feel so worthless when they become suddenly jobless, they become insecure (and I know the way he went about the job search did not make sense to you, but maybe it honestly did to him, or maybe it was on account of he himself felt worthless? Maybe he felt he wasn't worthy of a good job) It really does make hateful things come out of their mouths. This be the problem, men can usually forgive and forget when the situation gets better, but us women? we may forgive but we have a hard time forgetting the things that have been said, but you sound so positive! I am happy for you:) I think this will be good for you, letting go of past hurts is hard but it really can be done, maybe you guys can go do something nice togather to celebrate? Start a new tradition with the realization for both of you that this is a fresh start.
You can ALWAYS move forward:)

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 2:09AM
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Hi used2bsexy -

It is difficult to start the forgiveness process. The pain is so fresh that you don't know where to begin. You are waiting for the day when you will want to finally do it but it never happens.

From what I read "Forgiveness" is a conscious decision. It is not something that just happens easily. I think some people have an easier go with it, though.

Forgiveness is not done to let the other person off (namely DH). You do it for yourself. "It sets the captive free". The abuser may not know the full extent of the pain he or she has caused you. Therefore, you cannot extract one bit of compensation from them by remaining in pain. Actually, letting go of it renders the abuser powerless. You stop thinking about how angry you are at him. He isn't important anymore. You have just given yourself permission to live again. It helps you also to see them in a different way. Yes, you can even come to feel compassion for the very person who has hurt you.

The rest is up to you. As you begin, maintain the stance of forgiveness. You can further enhance the change by behaving toward the person who hurt you in a forgiving way. Perhaps, in time DH will start to respond in kind to the change. Even if he doesn't, you will be at Peace. There will be times that you might fall back and have to start again, but you will doing it more to please yourself. You are making an active choice not to remain in pain. Remember that just because you decide to forgive and move on, it does not mean the "forgiven" will thank you for it. You owned the pain to begin with even if DH caused it. You can't get inside his head to figure out whether he feels guilty or did it on purpose and you may never know for sure.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." ~Mark Twain

By way of observation of myself, I have grown to the conclusion that the more that I thought about the harm that was done to me the more harm I did to myself. I enforced the hurt but constantly re-enacting it in my mind. In a way, you are re-harming yourself when you do that. You let it go. Why, cause you can not pass that way again no matter how you might want to. It is water under the bridge. That is not to say that you don't remember it. That is how we learn also. It helps us in other areas of life as well. It is a good thing to grow wiser. We can, then, circumvent other potentially hurtful people and situations. And, even if we collide with someone else who hurts us, we can also learn a new way of adjusting to it.

Hoping that others will have many other hopeful insights ito your question.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 2:33AM
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Tenderchichi wrote: "By way of observation of myself, I have grown to the conclusion that the more that I thought about the harm that was done to me, the more harm I did to myself. I ENFORCED THE HURT, BY RE-ENACTING IT IN MY MIND". In a way, you are re-harming yourself when you do that. You let it go.

Wise words indeed.

Make a conscious choice to forgive your husband. And then do not bring up the past. Make it a point to look for the good in him. Men need respect. As his wife, treat him with respect. As you are walking by, tenderly stroke his shoulder or hair. Listen with interest when he speaks. Smile at him. Treat him in loving ways, even though you do not feel like it, and it does not feel sincere. In fact, it might feel downright uncomfortable, and awkward. But those feelings will change, and you will be making the first steps towards healing yourself, and your relationship.

There is an old story I once heard. A grandfather was explaining to his grandson that there are two wolves that live inside him. One is good and the other is evil. The two wolves are at war within him. The grandson asks his grandfather which wolf will win. The grandfather responded,
"the one I feed". And so make a conscious decision to feed the good side of yourself", and healing will come.

Forgive him. And perhaps you should ask to be forgiven by him for how you responded to the stress of the situation. And you begin the process of healing.

Every time the painful memories, words, come into your mind, make a conscious effort to switch to a good thought. Do not allow your mind to replay the past, and drag you back into the muck. It will tempt you often, to nurse those old wounds, and to tell you your anger was justified, by do not allow yourself to indulge those thoughts. They will destroy your efforts to heal both yourself, and your relationship with your husband. They are the seeds that allow bitterness to grow, and to take up permanent residence within you.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 6:18AM
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Sometime ago I heard a man ask for advice. He no longer loved his wife. When he looked at her, he felt nothing for her. He knew a divorce would devastate his children and wife. But he was miserable, and lonely.

He was advised to go through the motions of someone in love. To touch his wife as he passed her. To look at her with interest when she spoke. To smile at her. Compliment her. To treat her as though he loved her dearly. He was told at first it would feel awkward, and insincere. But to continue doing it anyway for an extended period of time, like 3-6 months, I believe. And then to look at how he felt about his wife and the relationship.

When one person in a relationship changes, or behaves differently, then those around them begin to change too.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 7:05AM
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A new job does *not* make a new man...

...but I wish you luck and happiness used2be. I do think forgiveness is the way to begin.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 3:16PM
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Oh I am well aware that a new job does not make a new man...trust me. I am not thinking this makes the past go away and everything is terrific. As I said before, we had issues prior to the job loss. It is just that things got way out of hand after that happened. I would like to think this is a potential new start ---in ways. There are things that I will still have to contend with like issues with his family,his passive aggressive tendencies, etc. By the way, since everything happened I am a MUCH more assertive person and much more in control of my emotions than I ever have been in my life. Now those 2 particular issues are dealt with way differently by me (much better). I have changed a whole lot over the past 3 years so it can never ever be the same. I just hope that this could potentially be a new start in ways and we could move forward. Just wanted everyone's viewpoints on it and ways to make that happen on my end. I appreciate all the feedback!!

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 9:53PM
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All the best to you, I've read some of your past posts, and plan to look up that book on passive aggressive behavior that you'd recommended to someone else, since I was considering the narcissist label for my dh, but he only fit a few of the signs, whereas I am slowly realizing all the little things dh has done in the past (I thought to piss me off) were punishment for me doing something (?) for making him angry. And speaking privately with a close relative about how his dad treated his mom shows me where he probably learned this strongly established behavior from. The trick for me is to not feel so hurt by his actions, I still need to figure that one out. I take strength (and insight and knowledge) from you and the many others, for sharing your feelings and what you know here, thank-you much.

    Bookmark   November 9, 2007 at 10:56PM
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I have found comfort in exploring different ways of tackling problems, particularly the problems of blame and all that is associated with that negative emotion.

I manage my life now, by being mindful. By finding contentment in the moment. Its tricky at times, but overall that way of thinking, has really helped me, "move on". By choosing to think like that, I find I can move away from all the past problems that have plagued me.

I have also read a lot about meditation, and now partake in that everyday. I feel I am calmer, and able to deal with problems. I recently had a health drama to endure, which I was very frightened about, and got through it all using my newfound coping mechanisms. I was very pleased with how I coped.

I guess what I am saying is that to change ones life, perhaps it is best to look within ourselves. Then, when things go wrong, when people annoy us, or upset us, we know to just let it go, because another moment will come along, and then the past is gone.

I admire you for wanting to move on much contentment to you.


    Bookmark   November 10, 2007 at 3:01AM
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Popi and used2bsexy...There seems to be such maturity in the way you are "choosing" to cope/manage/handle/endure the difficulties, disappointments, and problems you are presented with in "life". It seems that you have both turned that corner, where you are handling things from a perspective of calmness, thoughtfulness, and maturity, and that you are no longer being tossed about emotionally with the problems. You seem steady, and mature.

Used2Bsexy...what is the name of the book on passive/aggressive behavior?

Popi...Can you pass on what you have learned? You have explored different ways of tackling problems, particularly the problems of blame and all that is associated with that negative emotion. How do you go about managing your life by being mindful? By finding contentment in the moment? To be able to emotionally/mentally move away from all of the problems that plagued you. I find in meditation/quiet time, I still am re-playing or re-enacting situations that have been upsetting. I have to make a very determined and conscious effort to switch thoughts to something happier. I am only successful some of the time.

What have you learned that would be helpful?

    Bookmark   November 10, 2007 at 7:25AM
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Whoops, I shouldn't make a vague reference to a book like that.

It is:

Living with the Passive Aggressive Man by Scott Wetzler.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2007 at 10:34AM
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I am happy to pass on what I have learned, send me an email if you want to discuss the subject further.

I am by no means an expert, just a normal old gal, stumbling through life, with all its ups and downs.

Thanks for your positive words.


    Bookmark   November 12, 2007 at 2:31AM
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