I know I'm doing the right thing but this feels awful

altoraMANovember 11, 2007

My husband and I just separated (my request). Me and my two

children just felt the stress go away. We've been married for 16 years. He can be mean, cruel, intimidating, he screams and yells, everything has to be 'perfect'. We have 2 children, one is bipolar and one has special needs. He has never been to any of their appointments and doesn't even know what meds they are on. If there is a problem, it is my fault. He has little understanding of others feelings, or just doesn't care. He sees his children as competition because I spend too much time with them. He hardly spends any time with them, after work he eats and goes upstairs for the night. Unless he needs to come down and yell at them. I can't even remember the last time I went to him with any of my problems because they always get thrown in my face. If we have an argument, he repeats whatever I say. ("i feel that way about you too") he can't even think for himself.

It feels like he doesn't think of us as people. for example

when he goes out, he just leaves, never says bye to any of

us. or if we are in the living room playing a game he will

just walk in and stand there like a statue. i don't know if

he's waiting for us to say something too him..just wierd.

He yells and swears at the kids. The screaming has stopped

after a few visit from the police. But my 10 year old son

still gets so scared, if he even sees us having a conversation he becomes extremely alarmed. He has been a bit

clingy with me so DH started calling him 'mama's boy'. He

throws a fit over things that aren't important. It is very

u[setting to him if the house is not perfectly clean.

He is disrespectful to me and the kids. Perfect husband everyone thinks. A superstar at work. He cannot have a

sincere conversation with my 10 year old. Can't just answer

a simple question without making silly noises or doing other irritating things. My daughter is 15 and pretty much calls

him on everything. A few weeks ago she was sexually assaulted by a boy she goes to school with. She is very upset and after one particularly hard day with her in tears

for most of it, he sees fit to scream at her for using his

hairbrush. I said, why don't you just go and he wants to

discuss 'logistics'-I'm like TOMORROW ok just leave now.

As he's leaving, my daughter is still sitting on the floor

crying, he says to her, "you know, sometimes my feelings

get hurt too". WTF? How self-centered can one person be.

It's been a week, we are on friendly terms and my son is

happy to be downstairs on his own with me upstairs, before

he had to be in the same room i was in. I love my husband-

maybe- I don't know, but I can't let him hurt the kids anymore. I feel guilty that I didn't do this sooner. But he always turned things around and made it all my fault. I've

wanted to do this but why now am I so upset? Does everyone

go thru this, I wish my kids weren't around so much so I

could cry...How am I supposed to be feeling? How can I help

my kids? (who seem perfectly happy and calm)?

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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. For what it's worth, I was in a long marriage to an emotionally abusive man, and I also (now, not then) have a child with special needs. I can't imagine how you could possibly have dealt with all that you've been dealing with for as long as you have been. It has to have been intolerable.

Don't worry about how you're "supposed to be feeling" -- Just go with what you do feel, and allow yourself to feel it. Give yourself permission to let go for a few days. If you're sure it's the right decision, then tell the kids that you're sad that you and their father could not be happy together (not sad you're splitting), and that it's important to allow yourself to feel sad for a few days -- But that you know it is the right decision and that you'll be happier next week. It might actually help to put a date on it -- I'm going to allow myself to be sad until Friday (so they don't worry too much). Then CRY. Just hug your kids and cry, and let them cry too. Then pull yourself together after you've washed out some tears and start moving forward.

You may be surprised actually behow relieved you feel. More than anything else, I felt relieved, and like I finally had a chance at reaching something good. You may be scared right now, but IME, it's much easier to have NO help than to have almost no help and lots of criticism.

Clearly, you've got incredible resources, and you're going to be OK -- probably better than that.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2007 at 1:04AM
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Your doing the right thing and it will be hard in the beginning. But, as a wise friend of mine once told me,

"if you look at a calendar and count up all the days in the previous month that were good and you see that the bad days outweighed the good then there is no reason to stay"

in a relationship I had this fit the situation. I could have counted up the good days in the previous years on one hand....so it was obvious it was time to leave.

"Me and my two
children just felt the stress go away." by this statement you made it shows that the choice you made is best for you and your children.

Good for you! Keep us posted, and take Sweeby's advice..you do need to let some of that emotion out-it is healthy!

    Bookmark   November 11, 2007 at 11:09PM
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Are you aure he wasnt bi-polar too? Certainly sounds like he had some mood swings!
I think you are the most wonderful mom for not making your children continue to be treated this way.
This guy sounds completely self absorbed...narcissitic.
Like he is incapable of thinking of anyone's feelings but his own.
It's hard to pull away from any marriage,even a bad one.But what you are doing is for your kids.Just keep telling yourself that.They will fair much better off without that constant emotional and mental torment from their own father.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2007 at 3:44AM
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I'm in the process of divorcing my husband too and I am experiencing the same things you described. We've been married for almost 10 years and he can be really mean and verbally abusive when he's angry (which happens quite a lot). I, too, know this is the best decision for me, yet my heart still aches and I feel like I'm operating on auto-pilot most of the time. I don't enjoy the things I used to love doing anymore since I can't seem to summon an iota of interest at all. To top it off, I don't even feel like talking about this to any of my family members since I can't stand being in a pity party, especially my own. I just blasted my poor brother this morning for asking about how I'm holding up. He's concerned, I know.. but I just don't feel like answering any questions right now.

I told myself this will pass, that I'm going through some sort of grieving period, and this will pass (it better be!!). Luckily I have my job to keep me preoccupied most of the time.

Sorry can't help you much here.. but I just wanted to say that you're not alone.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2007 at 3:50PM
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Popsicle toe

I think you may find that you will feel better, when you have had a "pity party". Isn't it worth that ordeal, so you can move on into a better place ?

All the best to you.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2007 at 4:44PM
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I just wanted to say how sorry i am that you are going through this. it sounds awful and i'm sory you do not have a supportive husband. raising disabled children must be a difficult task in and of itself.

only you can know for sure whether you've made the right decision. but, if you felt a sign of relief leaving, i'd say that's a good indicator that you did the right thing. sometimes our mind complicates things and situations we intuitively know we have to get out of...we stay because we rationalize too much. i'm guilty of doing that all the time. i'm in a difficult marraige myself because i do. had i listened to that little voice coming from my soul (and not rationalized the decision) i would not have married the man i am with now in the first place. i will always regret this. but anyways...good luck to you and may god protect you and your children.

    Bookmark   December 2, 2007 at 12:44PM
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